Hi SS,

Well, the being nice things seems to work. Time will tell.

Yesterday was our 5th anniversary. This one was the first one where we went out to dinner and he had a dozen roses waiting for me when I got home. He has not given me roses in 10 years. I decided not to analyze why after 10 years he finally gives me roses. I was a nice gesture and I loved getting them, so I don't want the thought or memory ruined with negative questioning of why he is being attentive. When I tell my friends he got me roses, their immediate response was he feeling guilty. Maybe, but I am not going to embrase that idea, because I want to keep this memory as special.

Sue,
I am glad something nice happened to you. It helps, doesn't it.

I hope you can keep up your plan A. I wish we knew what was going on, but take the good and enjoy it, as you have already said. It's sad that we all have a bad side, I would like to see his good side a little more.

I can't find my story so I will just condense it. I came to MB in Late Jan. or early Feb of this year. No A at our house, just looking to improve things. I knew they should be better, but didn't know how to make it so. MB provided the tools to a great improvment. That and lots of prayer. I had trouble with LB's, W distant. Things not bad, but not good. Drifting apart? Not really, but not really close.
Now she smiles when I come home from work. She is glad to see me. We are close. Still working things out ( probably all our lives) but close. I was helped mostly by reading others stories, but then one day I ran across a post that I thought I could answer, and have been posting since, trying to help. Not an exciting story, but here I am.
My oldest son is 24 now ( I am 47, married 25 years.) Youngest are twin girls 9.

Have a nice Christmas. Enjoy your good times, and your children while you have them, they grow up so fast.

SS

Hi SS,

How do I say this, but Way Cool.

When I first met my H, he seemed like the very sensitive, caring type of man I was looking for. And most of the time he was.

You don't have to have a Soap Opera story to have an interesting life. Your wife is so lucky to have married a man like you. Your recognized that it could be better, decided to find out what you could do, and you did it. I'll bet it must be feel great to come home and have your wife greet you with a smile.

Here is an example of how my H was. We were not dating very long when I had my 31st birthday. Him and his brother rented an apartment together. He didn't have much money in those days, and he wanted to give me a nice birthday, he could not afford to take me to a fancy restuarant, nor buy me a gift. The best gift he gave me was he made me a nice meal. He had me come over about the time is should have been done. He did all the clean up and everything. I didn't know he was doing this. I thought I was coming over to watch movies. I walk in the door and he greets me with a Happy birthday and a card. I don't know why, but I started crying. For some reason, I was upset over turning 31. Now, 30 did not bother me at all. He hugged me and was concerned that I was upset. His brother comes home from work a couple of hours later, and says happy birthday to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my H, trying to stop him, by waving his hands back and forth, in that manner that says no, don't do it. I thought that was so sweet. He did lots of stuff like this. I worked two jobs back in those days. He would help me out on time and do my laundry when he was doing his. At some point we lived together (first mistake). I got pregnant with S#1, H was still very sweet and attentive. He proposed after I was pregnant. He assured me it was not because I was pregnant. We decided that we would marry after he graduated. (he was in school for his current occupation). He got cold feet, he was afraid he offered to marry me because I was pregnant. I was okay with that. I figured, he has to be sure, and so do I. 6 months after S#1 was born, I am pregnant with S#2. Sometime before S#2 was born and about 5 months after he was born, I noticed he was changing. Very slowly, but changing. He drastically changed after he met HER. Two months later he moves out. (Oh, somewhere after s#2 was born and before he met HER, we decided to get married when H's brother was home on leave. H's brother had joined the army shortly after we met. We also planned to do S#2 christianing when H's brother was home, since he is godfather). We get word about H's brothers leave, I start planning christianing, and I ask about wedding. H starts to back out. I figured cold feet again. H's brother comes home, we have christianing and are nto married. H's brother goes back, about a month later H moves out. I am now on my own with 2 small babies. I think I told you the part after that.

I don't know what happened, but he changed so much. I thought the old H was back about 6 months after he left. For two years we dated, he seemed like he was the same old H I met and fell in love with. He asked me to marry him, so I did. Now, I wonder, what happened. Was SHE ever out of the picture, was he seeing both of us. Did it end for them at some point and start up again after we married? So many questions, and no answers. Will I ever have answers, probably not. Can I live without the answers, yes, as long as he is straight with me in the future.

Time will tell. Maybe the old H is back? From past experiences, he will eventually fess up. He did before. The mistake I made was I did not pursue it to resolve it. I won't make that mistake this time. Who knows, maybe he is trying to soften me up for the big news.

I would love to have a man who loved me so much and saw that we did not have the best of M, and wanted to improve it. What more could a girl ask for.

Maybe mine is in his own way. I have this quirk when I know a R is dying on my side. I won't bore you with it. But H knows what it is. Sometimes, he would ask me if it is happening, and know, it never happens with him. I guess his asking was his way of wanting to know that I still loved him.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hi Sue,
You have an interresting story yourself.
It's hard to know what to say on Christmas Eve. I really want things to be good for you.

Try really hard to think of the good side of things for a couple of weeks, you know, pretend things are good and see if it helps you be happier at least for the holidays.

I wish for your luck to run to the good for a while, but I find that we can really affect what kind of luck we have by how hard we work, and by our preperation and attitude. So having said that - Good luck this week.

SS

Hi SS,

The Christmas weekend was good. My H really surprised me by helping to get the housework caught up before my family came over.

On Christmas Eve, I was slightly upset with him because he was gone for abotu 4 hours finishing up his x-mas shopping. I know I had some last minutes stuff to do that morning, which took me two hours. I'm trying to finish up the cleaning, we have to be at his aunts house in an hour, the kids are finishing up their baths and I still need to get in the shower. He calls, and could tell by the sound of my voice when I answered the phone I was not a "happy camper". I told him why. I said I was frustrated that all the cleaning was not done. I had hoped to have had all the cleaning done before Christmas Eve so all I had to do was relax and bake some cookies that day. I also told him, I knew he did alot to help, that the kids were refusing to listen and were messing up all the work I was trying to do. So, when he got home, he said, leave this, go take your shower, relax. We will come home early and I will get the kids to help me finish up. He and the kids finished the cleaning, the kids promptly messed it up, which he made the clean again. He also complimented my looks, which was the "wash and go" look. (He usually does not like it when I don't do anythign with myself.) When we left the house to go to his aunts, my hair was still wet from my shower. I didn't have time to dry it. They promptly start dinner on time. So, if you are late, "too bad, too sad".

Lately, eversince his Vegas trip, he has been very attentive and complimentary. I hate to sound distrustful, but I have to ask why?.

I will enjoy what I have while I have it. I still suspect that they talk.

On Christmas day, he said he was going to go get his brother, who he could have called and asked if he was coming over. His brother has his own truck and has had a drivers lisence for the past 15 years. My H was gone for about 4 - 5 hours. So, I wonder where he went. Was he really at his brothers? Since they came in together, probably, but for how long? When I called him, he was getting gas. It took him another hour to get home. His brother lives 10 min. away and there is about 5 gas stations in between. OW lives about 20 min. away. Oh well, not going to let this could my holiday season. Just an observation.

I will bide my time until I finish school, I have decided once I finish, pass boards, then I will confront. He will have the option of ending it and we get MC counseling or he can leave. I will do all I can to save my M. Once the A is brought out in the open, I will not allow it to continue in front of me.

well, the light of day or morning brings out some truths. Last night, H tells me he is getting gas. This morning he tells me he didn't get gas because the gas station was closed. Granted, the one he said was closed is the cheapest one in the area, however, there is a gas station 3 blocks from the house. He could have gotten enough to get him through the day and filled up on his way home this evening.

So, where was he when I talked to him??? Some answers I will not get

Today was a rough day. Started out okay, except for some reason I woke up around 3:30 AM and could not go back to sleep until around 6:30am. H calls, I had to leave to bring him a tool he forgot to take with him. Thats okay, I needed to get up.

AFter that, for some reason I had that "impending doom" feeling all day in the pit of my stomach. I hated it.

One of my classmates called to chat. I am so looking forward to school starting again, and then again, I am afraid for it to end.

Graduating means, taking boards, all that is great. It also means confrontation time. I will be so scared for that day. The time will fly by and before I know it, it will be here.

I'm not sure how do I do it. Do I ask him? Do I tell him what I know, do I provide the proof I have. Do I tell him to leave? Do I tell him to end it and we go to MC, if he refuses he can leave? Okay, I know which it will be, I will give him the MC option. I've alread decided that one. I have to know before I call it quits that I did all I can to save my M.

Do I take him out to a quite place so we can be alone? Do I have him meet me? Do I catch him with her and confront at that time? (I think this is probably the worst choice, but would make for a good drama scene) I have not really given this much though until today. Why today, I don't know.

I know I was talking to my BIL and sister yesterday. They know the OW. From what my BIL says, OW lost all her friends because of her behavior with my H the first time around.

Oh well, I still have 5 months before I have to make any decisions.

Bad day. I was so hoping that this would not happen to me during this break from school.

I'm getting that horrible feeling that something is wrong. I'm starting to feel anxious and I am not trusting my H. Okay, so the last part has not changed in a while. When my focus is on getting through school, I put that on a back burner so to speak and it does not bother me as much. I need to focus on all the plans I had for this christmas break. I was going to spend quality time with my children during the day.

Right now, I want to confront my H and get it over with. I am torn between wanting to make it work and telling him to leave so I can get on with my life and get off the rollercoaster ride. Did I mention, I scream very loudly on those things and my language is such from fear that I could make a sailor blush. I have teenagers laughing at me during those rides. Okay, now that I made a side trip to the real rollercoaster ride, I feel almost the same way about the emotional ones too. I want to scream loudly, I want to get it all out. I want to hit someone (I will not really act on this one). Right now, everything is one big jumble up mess inside of me that I don't know where to begin.

I'm sure this is resulting from my pushing these issues on a back burner so I can get through school and now that I have a break, they are rushing foward, sort of racing each other to see who can get to the forefront first.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hi Sue,
I know it is hard. You've been following your plang long enough to feel exhausted. But I admire you for having a goal, a deadline, and ability to contain yourself now in order to be in better position no matter what the outcome of the confrontation will be when you finish school. You must have had good reasons to design your plan. I know you also are determined enought to stick to it. Vent here your frustration and anger, bleep some words if it helps, just be sure your actions won't be driven by frustration alone.
Now please tell ME all of the above. And I still can't establish a firm deadline...
Tomorow is another day. Hopefully easier.
FBOW

Hi FBOW,

My deadline is around June i think. I graduate May 14, then I have to study for boards. I've already started studying, but from the time of graduation until the time I take boards I will need to study just as hard or harder so I can pass them the first time. I don't know exactly when boards are. I think in June. In the spring I will start interviewing for jobs. A lot of the hospitals hire you contigent upon graduation and passing boards. Once I have my new employment lined up, I can start to work on arranging alternate daycare for the kids, (just in case). Then will be the confrontation.

At work last night, I was constantly on the verge of crying, but could not cry. When I got home, someone opened the flood gates. I was fine at first, then when I went to bed it started. Got up, fine, back to bed, crying. I think H knew, but he avoids tears. I was trying to not cry in his presence.

I hate knowing what I know and at the same time, I am glad I know. I hate knowing that he went to Vegas with her. I hate wondering if he is with her when he is not home, such as on Christmas, did he go to her house. I hate wondering if he only married me because of the child support. When we got married, I assumed we would live together right away. I came close to divorcing him based upon this. He would not leave his apartment until his lease was up. There was 3 months left on it. I told him we could pay those 3 months, or the kids and I could move in. We will bring the bare necessities, since it was a one Bedroom. Was she living there? I hate knowing that he was mad at me when his "best friend" called me at work wanting to know if I knew how to find him. By this time, I am pregnant with D and we had just finiished moving into our house. So, I told him, of course I know where he is. I should, we are married and bought a house. H wanted to keep it a secret. Who keeps their marriage a secret????? When he got mad at me, I told him if anyone should be mad it is me. Not him. I have the right to be mad because he is ashamed to tell him friends he married me. I asked him at that time, why did you marry me. Was it the child support? Were you going to keep it a secret from you friends? I told him that I will not stand for it. I also told him I called G. our ins. agent so he could change my name on the papers(G. used to play ball with H and all the other guys)

For 5 years I have been doubting why he married me. For 5 years I have always thougth my marriage was a farce. Ever since I found out that he did not want his friends to know he married me. What is he ashamed of me.

When we moved into our house, I was about 3-4 months pregnant with our last child. When she was about 6 months old, my H was sent to work out of state. We went with him for the weekend, and he came home or we went out there a least once a month to see him. My former neighbor told me that her H or kids would come home and tell her that they would see my H using the pay phone at the grocery store two blocks from our house. (We had a phone and H did not have a cell phone then. I did, H didn't). The grocery store closed shortly before he had to go outstate to work. Did she visit him out there? Has this been going on my whole marriage?
Has my marriage been one BIG HUGE F****** joke?

I want a cigerette. I officially stopped smoking when I was pregnant, and did not go back. The last 9 months or so, I keep wanting to smoke. I have bummed some on occassion. I want to go buy a pack. What good will it do me, I dont' allow smoking in my house or around the kids. I can buy them and stare at them I suppose.

Right now I want to divorce him. It is all coming back. All the pain he has caused me. All the distrust, everything.

He makes sure I don't do anything with him that includes his friends. What kind of marriage is that? A fake marriage, that is what I have one big FAKE MARRIAGE.

I am at work. I am supposed to be working. How can I. I am too upset to work. At least I have two hours to try to calm down in.

The ring, it is all to appease me. It has to be, or is it guilt. It does not matter, becaue it was given for all the wrong reasons. It feels horrible on my hand. I'll bet if I took it off, he would not even notice. After all, it does not mean anything to him.

I also found out that a couple of years ago when he replaced his original band that I gave him, she was with him. He was dumb enough to tell me.

Sometimes I really wonder if he wants me to confront him. It is the little things, or is he just getting careless?

What is the matter with me that I cannot pick a decent man. The last two men I dated were total losers, and I am including my H in that grouping. The guy before that, he was decent, just very boring. I should have stayed with him. He at least cuddled me, he neglected to tell me he loved me. He talked with me, we very seldom agreed on anything, but he at least heard me. I never should have ended it with him. After him, it has been one loser after another.

I need to vent. I lit a fire under my own butt and I want to go home and tell him exactly what I think of him. And I don't care how much I LB. I want to take my life back.

I don't want to wear that ring until he decides that he is married to me and he acts like a married man with one life and not two. He has to start being part of my friends and his friends have to be part of our life.
He has this stupid mentality that his friends are his as if he bought and paid for them. How dare I so much as say high to them. None of them even call the house, they call his cell phone to reach him.

Right now I HATE HIM WITH ALL I HAVE INSIDE OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life.

Sue,
I hope by the time you read this, you are doing better.
I read what you say about he just got the ring to appease you. Really, we don't know. He may be really wanting to break it off with her, he may have tried. Remember that he is in an addiction. It may be that he has many faults, and we know he is doing something wrong. But he may be trying.

If he was all bad, you would not have been interrested in him at all. He must have some good or you would not love him. Did you make a mistake? How can you ever know what might have been? All you can do is try and figure out what is best from now on, and do that. Don't ever make big desisions when you feel like you did last night. ( I believe you have told others that, but it's hard, isn't it?)

Please let me know how you are, I worry about you.

SS

Hi SS,

Thanks - I'm better today. We took OS to see Lord of the Rings. I didn't know he thought the first one was scary, otherwise I would have insisted on a different movie or insisted OS goes to Grandmas. OS kept leaving to go to the bathroom, I always went with him and stood outside the bathroom. So, after about the 3rd trip, I asked him, that is when I found out it was too scary for him. I asked the manager if we could go into a different movie so my H could finish watching the LOF. We saw the end of 2 week notice. Some of the stuff was above son's head, but otherwise an okay movie for a 9year old.

H and I spent the rest of the evening playing computer games.

I did calm down by the time I got home. Sort of, H was asleep, adn I cried myself to sleep.

What you said makes sense. I hope you are right.

He was very different when we met. He was very caring and attentive the first couple of years. During my pregnancy with OS, he worried about every little thing. I called the dr. so many times over every little thing, mostly to make him happy. I knew these things were normal. But he didn't, and I didn't want him to worry.

He worried about our OS, over every thing. I put it down to first time dad.

As I look back, some of how he behaved was apparant, except it was so minimal, I didn't notice it. Usually, I told him I didn't like it, and it didn't repeat itself. He got worse during my 2nd pregnancy. He had no interest in it. He didn't go to any of my appt, wheres he went to almost everyone with OS. With pregnancy with D, he was better, he could not make most of the appt with D, but he made the ones where there were events such as heartbeat. He did miss the ultrasound appt. He would ask questions about my appt.

As I look back, I wonder if he was always faithful. I remember on night, back when I was pregnant with OS, he came home with his shirt ripped. He says he was jumped, but did not want to call the police. I wonder if his psycho ex girlfriend was with him. (i'm not kidding that she was psycho). Once, he was supposed to pick up our son from my aunts, she was watching him for us. She called me, he had not yet come home. So, I went to go get OS. On my way home, I saw my H headed towards my aunts, the only thing he was on a street that a scuzzy bar was located on. A bar H used to work at, where he met psycho girlfriend. When he got home, he said that school was cancelled and he went to the casino with a couple of classmates and on the way home, the car broke down. Says it was spark plugs. I was not sure if I should believe it or not. He had my car, and well, his hands were not dirty for changing spark plugs.

I didn't say anything about the route he took to my aunts, since there could have been many reasons why he was on that road.

I am doing better today. I guess I needed a good cry. But as I look back, I'm wondering if he has a self esteem issue and needs the admoration of women, so much that he has to have one lined up incase the one he is in fails.

I am doing better today. I guess I needed a good cry.
You are not the only one, and you know it.
Glad you are better, but I reserve the right to check up on you.

But as I look back, I'm wondering if he has a self esteem issue and needs the admoration of women, so much that he has to have one lined up incase the one he is in fails.
You've seen that before here on MB, but the funny thing is that what he is doing is keeping anyone from getting really close. By trying to hedge his bets and insure success, he guarantees failure. I hope for all your sakes, he figures it out.

Do you already know that these bad times will get worse between now and the end of school? Do you have a plan to deal with them? I suppose I am just saying that as your bank gets lower and lower you will have a hard time finding enough good to keep you in your plan. What kind of help system do you have other than MB?

Sue, you are a winner, keep working - OK?

SS

Hi SS,

Thanks for your words of encouragement, and I'm glad you keep checking in.

Yesterday, was an okay day. H slept most of the day, he is not feeling well. He has been getting sick alot lately. Probably the stress of having an A.

The only down side to yesterday was, H went to his car to get his coffee thermos and his lunch box. It took him 10-20 min. I didn't time him. I just knew that it does not take that long to get items from your car.

As far as support goes, right now, my main support is MB. My sisters don't want to hear about it, my BIL who is married to one of my sisters, is supportive in my decision to try to make my M work. He also knows the OW. He says that she has a reputation for going after men who are not available. One story they told me about is, she went after her best friends H. The couple split up, after that she was no longer interested in him. The couple got back together, she tried to get back into the picture. He was smarter then my H and he told her to get lost. From what I've been told, non of her friends from a few years back will have anything to do with her. They are tired of how she has no regard for R.

Last semester I didn't have time to go to IC. Ths semester I have only one class and clinicals, so I am going to try to find a counselor who will work with my decision to try to make my M work.

My friends, well, I know they have my best interest at heart, they want me to dump him.

As of late, things have been really confusing. H has been more attentive towards me, nicer towards me, understanding of my frustrations, such as Christmas Eve, I was upset because things were not going as I had wanted. I was frustrated, he asked what was wrong, I told him, and I was not blaming him. I told him I had expectations of being able to relax and bake cookies all day and all I've done was clean, and we have to leave for his aunts and I have not even showered. In the past he would have gotten all made at me. Instead he, said leave it alone, I will help when we get back. Go take a shower so we can leave. In the car on the way to his aunts he complimented my "wash and go" look. My hair was still wet when we left. He never complimented me before.

So, he seems more attentive and loving. He cuddles me more now, where before he didn't. He is more involved with the kids. On one hand he is behaving like the man I fell in love with. Then he does the calling the OW thing, or what appears to be calling her.

He is also doing more around the house such as finally painting the bathroom. He has plans for other aspects of the house.

So, is he trying to get everything done, so he can leave without leaving anything undone, or is he starting to put family first.

As of late, he seems obsessed with topics around infidelity. Is he trying to tell me something? Is his conscience (sp) getting to him? I tried asking him, in a non confrontal way, you know, the askign without asking or accusing. I asked if he had something bothering him that he wanted to talk about. (I know lame, but I'm sort of stuck on how to ask at this point).

I sure once school starts up again, I will be able to divert my focus back on school so he will not be able to LB me so my bank is depleted.

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

I posted this to someone else,

I wonder, why can't H have enough respect for me to give me the same consideration?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I have a male friend, from way back when. We ran into each other a few years ago. He wanted to do lunch. I told my H. I also told my H if he had a problem with it, i would cancel. I told my H that he mattered more to me than maintaining this friendship. (Then again, I'm not in a fog) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Sue,

I read your last post on my thread and I got worried. I hope things are better now then they were a couple of days ago. I've been so busy with packing that I haven't had much time to ask you how you were doing. Sorry. By reading your thread you seem to be going through some tuff times right now. Damn that roller coaster. If you didn't get that, you'll have to excuse me, I haven't been much of a comedian lately.

Well you have a couple more weeks before school starts so you better go out and have some fun. You deserve it. I'm driving back to CA tonight and when I catch up on my sleep I am going out. I just want to forget what I'm going through for a couple of hours. I hope you can fit some fun time for you with out kids and H as well.

I was wondering though, Why doesn't your sister want to hear about what's going on? Is she against your decision on trying to make it work? If so her opinion doesn't matter because she's not the one going through it you are. It's always a different story when it is happening to you.

Anyways Sue hope that things get better:) You try and have a Happy New Year as well-k.

Bye for now
Depressed

Hi Depressed,

Thanks. I got the Roller coaster. I have never been much for those ride. Especially the one I'm on right now. Up and down, Up and down. I'm making myself dizzy. Speaking of roller coaster rides, last summer my H talked me into the worst one that we have at our local amusement park. He had to get the picture of me. H is laughing and I have the white knuckle job going on with the handrail. My face took on some expressions I never knew were possible to occur all at one time. Talk about fear. I also yelled some words on that ride I didn't know I knew. My H reminded me that there were young teens on that ride. My comment was, if they can handle the ride they can handle some old women yelling these words. The teens infront of us, I think were more amused by me than the ride.LOL

Seriously, today is a much better day. I'm having a few rough moments, but not like over the weekend. The worst part is, not being able to do anything to correct my situation for a few months. I know, I'm doing a Plan A, which should help (I hope).

Like I said, H surprised me with Roses for our anniversary. He has not done that in a very long time. I was shocked. I'm sad that they are now withering. He took me out to a nice dinner, and he has been nicer to me. I wish he would quit calling her. I'm sure he is calling her.

The card said he loved me. Once in a while he will tell me he loves me.

I was going to listen today to Dr. Harley on his wifes program and lost track of time. There is always Thursday. Kids go back to school soon, so I am planning on enjoying the little bit of time we have left of their Christmas break.

You have a safe drive back to CA. My H was stationed in CA for the Navy. He loved it there.