If anybody has read Arik's last post you will know that he has decided to leave after Christmas. He says he can't go on, is not willing to end the affair even though the affair is just the thoughts in his mind right now. He isn't willing to watch me being hurt by him but is also unwilling to stop doing the things that hurt me. He says he loves me but is not in love anymore and doesn't feel a conection most of the time. He says that he isn't sure if that feeling of disconection is due to his clouded mind and heart right now but won't go on seeing me being sad, hurt, and upset to find out. He said the week he spent with his friend was a relief because he didn't have to deal with seeing me or doing things that made me upset or hurt. This is what he wants. He does not want to deal with any of this, not his pain, not mine, and not the kids, he won't be around to deal with any of it. I am so sad right now. I can't stop the tears. I wish I didn't feel anything, then he wouldn't leave because I wouldn't be hurting all the time. I know that I haven't done everything right in all this but I have tried so hard to be supportive and loving and meet more of his needs in the last 2 months and that still wasn't enough. It just hurts so bad. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole -- I feel so sad for you right now. Please know that all this is <B>not</B> something you've done or haven't done. If there's a silver lining here, it's that Arik hasn't closed the door on the two of you yet. It's going to be very hard, but you need to give him the love you feel and be there if he needs someone. He knows that he can depend on you. He's just very confused right now. Fight the good fight and be there for him and the rest of your family.<P>You don't know right now if what you did wasn't enough. As someone pointed out to me the other night when I was feeling as low as you are now, "It's not over 'till it's over"(thanx Yogi Berra).<P>e-hugs and warmest thoughts are headed to you from me. Also positive thoughts to Arik as he tries to sort out his mind and priorities. <BR>He really does know where his love and support are. Be there for him and be sure to work on yourself to gain strength and independence. There are others here who will be much more eloquent in their support, but all of us love you and Arik and are pulling for you right now.

Nicole,<BR> I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I had some wise words to give you but I don't. <BR> <BR>Sure he felt better when he was gone, I am sure my H would too if he left for awhile. This is because they don't have to see the pain in our eyes which they know they put there. <P> When my H and I were seperated God told me one night that I had made my H a God in my life for too long. WHich I totally had. I had to put God first and My relationship with the Lord before everything else in my life. ANd everything else would fall into place in his perfect timing. I am still working on this every day, but God never fails us.<BR> <BR> I say let him go, you say you have not done everything right. Take a look in a mirror. You are an increadible woman. It takes allot more courage to stay then to leave.!!! And he will see all these things in time. <BR> <BR> Last week when I was convinced I would die in my pain a minister told me to GIVE IT TO GOD!! It says all over the bible to cast your burdens upon him. I have and I don't worry near as much. ( oK close.LOL) Because I know he can do a much better job at healing my marriage than I can. <P> My prayers are with you.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Try to stay strong. You are hurting, but do your best to show him that you love him and want your marriage to work (which I'm sure you will). At least that way, when he goes the things he'll remember will be good. I will keep you in my prayers.

Oh, Nicole, I am so sorry. I do know how hard it is.<P>Take care of yourself and try to enjoy the holidays. No matter how hard it is, keep up w/ Plan A. You never know what's gonna happen.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

I agree with Lori, you just don't know what's gonna happen.<P>He's so deeply in this thing, and it has virtually <B>nothing</B> to do with you at this point. You have done nothing wrong.<P>Big Hugs, Sheryl

ok, i know it feels virtually impossible, but you have got to Plan A him with all your might. gather your strength, suck it up, and act like the the most loving, happy person you can. yes, i know it is difficult, but i almost lost my H for the same reasons, and i know that things would not have gotten so bad if i would have done that.<BR>you have a guaranteed 2 weeks to knock both of your socks off, so do everything you can.<BR>maybe you guys can agree not to read each others posts again? you will need a place to vent.<BR>again, i know how hard that is...i used to just start crying and leave the room when H was home (and that was pre-disclosure,and pre-MB)---no wonder he got so guilty he had to leave!!!<BR>hang in there, nicole, we are all on your side, and know that arik will come around eventually (read "freedom"s posts...his wife watied 5 years for him to come home, and he did )<BR>good luck,<BR>julie<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

Nicole,<BR>I have been followig your story and I feel your pain. I have been there and the memories flod my mind daily. As the good Dr.H said, there is nothing more painful than suffering through infedility. This is true! Prayers are with you!<BR>God bless<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I am not sure how to handle things from here on out. My pain is so strong right now that I am almost numb. I have tried to keep the tears back this evening when in front of the kids for the most part but it was difficult and did cry a bit. He reached out to the OW after he posted but then told her he probably shouldn't be talking to her about it and apologized to her for contacting her. When I saw that he had reached out to her at all I was so hurt and angry. It was like being betrayed all over again even though he said he was leaving. It brings me so much pain. She is back on his yahoo messenger list and that hurts too. Why am I letting all this get to me so much? The ache in my heart won't go away. He says he is so sorry for hurting me but that doesn't take it away because he still does things that hurt me.<BR>How can I show him that I won't always feel the pain. I've tried to explain that the pain is there because his current actions are keeping it there but he can't change his actions. He is just unable and unwilling to change them, why? I feel like if he goes he will never come back. I will lose him forever. I feel like I have lost him forever already. I feel like I will never be enough because no matter what I do he still clings to her and what they had. I am sorry for going on and having this pity party but I am just so sad tonight that I can't help it. Sorry. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole,<P>I read Arik's post. I responded. There are a lot of people here encouraging him to stay home and do the right thing. My heart goes out to both of you and I hope he makes the decsicion to stay.<P>Khyra

I'm so, so sorry for your pain Nicole. I read it in your words. <P>But let me stress this...your pain is not of your own doing. You were put in this position, you didn't create it. And that's not to say that I'm trying to come down on your husband, but I feel for what you're going through. So many of us are praying for you tonight. It's just so unfair, and to not have control over someone that is not in their right mind right now, it's very frustrating. You've really gone through so much, I'm sending prayers your way..

Oh Nicole,<P>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Nicole</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Nicole</B>}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Nicole</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>I feel so bad for you...<BR>Post a little more often...<BR>Cry... and vent... a little more...<P>Let us take your pain...<BR>We'll throw it away for you.<P>Yes... keep up with Plan A...<BR>Yes... it will keep him confused...<BR>Yes... you are good... <P>Wishes for a release of your pain...<P>God will carry you...<P>Jim

Thanks all of you for your love and support.<BR>Today was O.K. Arik and I had a very long talk and he tried to explain his reasons for wanting to go. It may not be permanent, and although I don't agree with it I know there is nothing I can do or say that will change it at this point. I love him so much and want so much for our marriage to work and be good but I can't force him to. Letting him go is a dificult thing but I will do my best to make the next two weeks as pleasant as I can for everybody. Please pray for me to have the strength to keep "up" even when I am feeling down. Most of today went fairly well until one thing or another brought "the subject" up a couple of times. It is at times like these I need the most strength. For the most part I can keep it in the back of my mind and heart until something he says or I see something that reminds me of what has transpired and is about to. It is then that it rushes right to the front and the hurt becomes all to real again. Anywat...enough rambling for now..send me your prayers if you can. I will need them.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Prayers for you, Nicole.<P>You are right to let him go. Not that I think he should, I think he's making a huge mistake. But you are right in that you can not control him right now.<P>Be strong!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks FHL, for your words of support and encouragement. I know "letting him go" is the right thing but it sure is hard. Thanks for your prayers as well I am going to need them. My emotions are all over the place right now.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. I agree with most of the others, keep on with Plan A. I'm here to tell you, separation does not mean the end. Although, I wouldn't recommend you strive for my hideous 6 separations...<P>Books that helped me during my separations:<BR>HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED by Chapman<BR>YOUR HUSBANDS MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway<BR>HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris<P>And, kind of crazy, but a still a way of behaving during separation:<BR>THE RULES (sorry I don't have the authors)<BR>THE RULES II<P>If he moves out, Plan A, but put yourself and your kids first. You will gain in strength no matter how you feel about it. You will learn about yourself. You'll cry for awhile, but eventually, you stop crying all the time. Use the time--workout & exercise for stress, find things that YOU truly enjoy. You'll have some time and space yourself to think about the relationship and what you want out of it and what you need from him.<P>You'll find that the stress level in your household will drop for you, even with kids and single parenting. You don't have to walk on eggshells. Figure out how that feels different and see if you can't work that relaxation into your relationship with Arik.<P>If you are thinking I think separation is a good thing, I don't, but if you have no choice, and I didn't and unfortunately you may not, there is still your life to be lived.<P>God Bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Oh, I forgot to mention, before our last separation, we went to Disney World with my H planning on moving out when we got home Sept 25. He didn't feel like moving out right away when we got home, but went off his anti-deps and then couldn't handle the me or the kids. Those posts about that are from mid August to Oct 8--when he did move out. I spent those weeks in Plan A and our vacation was one of the best times of our lives.

LOR,<P> Thank-you for sharing your experience with separation with me. I do know that it will not be the end of the world or even our marriage for that matter. I am going to keep on with the book study even if he does leave(he will probably need the prayers more then anyway). Thanks again for sharing.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole<BR>I feel your pain and I am soo sorry you are feeling this way.<BR>My husband moved out for six weeks almost a year ago. During that seperation, I did work on myself (working out at he gym, reading, shopping for ME ). Yes, it was to *win* him back, but I also knew that it was good for me. It is so painful, soooo VERY painful. I wish so much there was something I could say to ease your pain, but I am sure there is nothing. TRY TRY TRY to do something good for you! Get a nice outfit, go out to lunch, get an ice cream, a manicure, a facial, flowers for YOU, something....anything. It does help, even a tiny bit. Right now, a tiny bit is good. I forget, are you on antidepressants? If no, maybe look into them, if you are try not to drink alcohol. My doc told me that with some people (lucky me..hahaha), the alcohol completly wipes out the medication. So watch out, you could be peeing them right out of your system <P>Nicole, we are all here for you. It is so painful. I can tell you one thing that helped my cause. After my husbandmoved out, I did not let him see me cry and look pitiful all the time. I REALLY did my best to look happy. I never ONCE gave him the impression tha I was happy he was gone, but just more of an attitude shift. Kinda like "I am going to be happy no matter what". And I know right now that is the FURTHEST thing fromyour mind, but if you act happy, you just might begin feel happy.<P>(((((NICOLE)))))<BR>sending all the warmest to you!<BR>XO<<BR>Sally<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Nicole,<P>You have been gien great advice. Hard to belieeve, but as new_beginning pointed out, this is more about Arik's unhappiness with himself than with you. He has to sort and get over those feelings for Chrissie and he s obviously having a really tough time. <P>You need tospend your effortson getting yourself together - you still have those kids who need you so much. Right now you are enduring one of the MOST painful things a person can bear. As much as you can, try to focus on all the blessings in your life. Not that long ago, you posted what they all were. Try to keep the thoughts there instead of on your toubles and problems.<P>EVERYONE of us here is pulling for both you and Arik. It has taken a lot of courgae for you both to come and post your thoughts here.<P>Please re-read Heartpain's post: Arik has not closed the dooron you and it ain't over until it's over! Try to keep the faith! <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>