We have been married almost 12 years. Just discovered my H's A 2 months ago. I have suspected it for more than a year but found no evidence. He denied it when I confront him several times. <p>We spent 2 month together talking about us and the A and going to therapy. He refused to stay off contact with OW for a few months while we work on us. He claims he is in depression and going through mid-life crisis and needs 2 months to be by himself alone to figure out what kind of life he wants in the future. He was out of job in Jan.02. He claims to be very lost and confused not knowing what his future will be like. I asked for a divorce since he still wanted to contact the OW. He did not want to make any major decision now while going through this midlife crisis and he still have feelings for me(he claims). <p>He is on depression medication, it seems to help some. I saw no progress in our marriage counselling as long as they kept in touch and I stopped going last week. <p>I have agreed to give him 2 months alone away from the country to think on things himself.(away from me and her). I have made it clear that I refuse to stay in the marriage as long as she is still in the picture. <p>I am 35 and I want to start having children. I am running out of time to conceive that is why I want a divorce if he still can't decide if he wants our marraige or not after 2 months. I still love him. For the past 2 years he took me for granted, ignored me emotionally, sexually.... I do not want this kind of treatments anymore and I want out if this continues but the emtoional side of me wants to save our marriage.<p>We will take a trip together to see family for 2 weeks then we would split up for 6 weeks. How shall I treat him in the 2 weeks together? What shall my plan be? Since the dicovery of the A, I have been treating him as a friend not as a H. There is no affection or intimacy from him.<p>In the 6 weeks that we are apart I plan to enjoy myself travelling and work on myself. <p>Help! Please give me some advise.

Milo
I'm not the best person to talk to right now because I'm fairly new here and learning all I can about the restoration of a broken marriage for lack of better terms.<p>I am the wayward spouse in my marriage. I hurt my husband deeply by having an emotional affair with another man. I came clean, ended contact and changed jobs and have been working hard on my marriage.<p>It's apparent that he is still in what they call here on the site "the fog" or on a fence where he is not sure what he wants to do. I know this is hurtful and fustrating but can I offer you this?? You have to make a choice as to do you want this marriage to work or do you want it to end. It sounds tough to place that on you but you have to choose. if you want it to work, it will require work and it won't be easy especially since he is uncertain. Its good that you were in counseling. I think you should continue to go despite his uncertainty. If he was going with you, that is a good thing, can you both resume that?<p>This site has a tremendous amount of help from all aspects. People here are like you and I, they are hurting and trying to fix something in their relationship.<p>If you are always threatening to divorce him, that is not a good thing. If that is what you really want, then do that but if you want your marriage to work, please try and come up with a plan that is reasonable and stick to it. <p>I think he is asking for time because he is so confused and in a storm that has him spinning. He knows he made a mistake, he's having problems cutting ties with the other woman but yet he wants to save his marriage. That is a bad place to be and by threatening him and making demands it only makes the situation worse for both of you.<p>I understand your anger is a result of the pain you feel. Like I said, I am no expert and doing my best to recover the trust and things in our marriage. I'm very lucky to have a good man that has given me a second chance at this. <p>You said you are treating him like a friend and nothing more? Is that what you want to treat him like? Do you feel better doing so? I'm not sure that is good because then whatever need that was not being met, that led him to go away, or whatever was lacking in him that caused this may manifest even more. <p>Of course I'm not saying it is your job to win back your husband because after all he cheated but if you want your marriage to work, please read things on this site, ask others here and come back often so they can stay in touch with you and help you. <p>I'm in recovery with my husband and have been for some time now. I am dealing with a great deal of guilt/shame and remorse and have a depression as a result which I'm fighting daily. <p>I happen to check another forum and stumbled on your post, saw no response, maybe because it is late but wanted to offer you something and let you know someone cares.<p>That is good that during your 6 week seperation you will work on yourself and enjoy yourself. Maybe get some books from this site to help you. I see many people referring to them as very helpful things to read. I think there is one called "Surviving an Affair" that may help you. <p>Please come back and let us know how you are doing. <p>Your are in the thoughts of many who care.

Dear Milo,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have come to a place where those here actually understand what you are going through. Your feelings right now are pretty in line with the various stages of grieving that a BS goes through. <p>For now I recommend that you acquaint yourself with the concepts section at the top of this page. There you will find an overview of some of the Harley's terms and tools used here at MB. You will find the emotional needs questionnaire and learn about plan A vs plan B. Also you will learn that part of recovery includes learning about yourself and how to identify your weak areas and learn to improve yourself. Then you will learn how to watch for the right signs from your H and learn the difference between remorse vs babble. Also how to protect yourself from a WS' uncontrollable fits of rage (common but not in every case). Depending on the presence of the OW (how much influence the OW has), will help determine how long and rough the roller coaster ride will be. Remember that you can not control your H but you can show him that you and your family are the more desireable option. <p>If he is confused, that for now is a good sign. Obviously the OW is not that great of a catch or he would not be confused. <p>So for now read the above. If you can find the books, surviving an affair, his needs/her needs both by Dr W. Harley and the book surrended wife and love must be tough, it may help you get a better perspective. The suggestions given are very different than those who have never experienced the A. <p>Let us know what you think. <p>Take Care,
L.

I thankyou for the replies. I was so glad to find this site 2 days ago. I have been reading MB's other articles but never looked into the discussion forum till now. I have read a lot of the books mentioned here and I learned a lot from them. I feel so relieved being able to talk to people that have gone through the same thing. Good support system here. <p>My H said he sees a lot of red flags with OW that is why he is questioning himself if the A was just an illusion but even with the doubts, he is still emotionally attached to her. That is why he is wanting 2 months of separation to think all by himself. At first he asked for 6 months and I refused. She is married with a 7 yrs old son. He calims she teaches him about a lot of things, made him feel relaxed, he enjoyed the conversations with her...He claims he could not communicate with me, I could not carry on a conversation with him, he felt tense with me. <p>I wanted to save my marriage in the beginning. But after 2 months of it with plan A, he has been withdrawing from the love bank till it is negative that I want to go to plan B. I don't know if I am not patient enough or I have seen enough of the selfish thoughts and behavior. Or is he really in depression, or he is in the "fog" stage. I did find that sometimes he is just not himself, talking nonsense, exactly like he was abducted by alien and his brain was switched. Then some days he talks normal. I didn't know what to think about that behavior till I read it from the discussions here. <p>It hurts a lot knowing they still talk to each other. I know if I want to save our marriage I need to be patient and not demand a divorce but it is very hard on me too living separately. <p>I will give plan A a good try next 2 weeks that we will be together.<p>I felt he does not treat me as a wife as there was no affection from him so I decided to treat him as a friend so he won't feel so tense with me and we can talk like friends. When I say I love him, no reply from him so I stop saying it.<p>Besides being calm, meeting his EN's, how shall I behave around him? Any other suggestions?

Treat yourself with respect and require he do the same. If he is going to carry on with the OW do not reward his behavior. Let him become aware of that you and your family will move on with or without him. You can do this while in plan A. If he treats you like a 'doormat', then plan A is no longer effective. <p>Again plan A is to allow yourself time to better yourself. Once you know how to do that or have done it, then you need to put the onis of him participating in rebuilding your M. Otherwise, you are the only one to benefit from bettering yourself. <p>L.

I have been working on bettering myself while on plan A for 1 month. I was in shock in the 1st month of discovery that I was struggling between to stay or leave.<p>Thankyou Orchid for making me realise that I am in the right track as I plan to move on with or without him after plan A and B. The logical side of me tells me to head on out after plan A and B but the emotional side keeps pulling me back. I have been struggling between this two sides for 2 months and I have finally come to my senses to pick the logical side.

Good Milo,<p>Now it is time to move to the next site. If you would like, you can take your future questions to the GQII site. There is more traffic there. You can reference this thread so you don't have rewrite you story. <p>If you need help, let me know. <p>You sound like you have a plan. This is good. Don't be surprised if bad days spring up and make you feel out of control. For me anxiety attacks were quite frequent at the beginning (actually lasted for 9+ months but the daily attacks ended in about 3months). <p>This stuff and junk to fix takes time. U have that. Use that time to strengthen your personal support group. Help comes in many shapes and forms. It could even be from a stranger, your kids, the dog, a neighbor, little kid at the store, TV, newpaper, counselor, doctor, nurse, school, etc. Many avenues of support are around you. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid, how do I take my questions to the next site and link it? Please help me. <p>I have been on plan A for a month now. While we do our trial separation for 2 months starting mid June, I will work on myself. I have a question on my plan B. If H still refuse work on us in therapy and cut contact with OW after our 2 months of separation for him to think things over, I want to go to plan B. Is that too soon? Any other suggestion? <p>After not seeing H or talk to him for 5 days, I realised that I felt relieved and happier with my friends and doing things for myself. I am a little worried that I would not want to have anything to do with him after 2 months of separation since I feel good and happy away from him. Is that normal?

Milo, <p>Start with a new thread on GQII. Copy the info in the address bar above and put the following: <p>'' your thread's address info ''<p>Keep the brackets and remove the quote signs. <p>L.