6 weeks ago my wife told me she did not love me anymore. Over the past six weeks we have been to counciling and our communication has gotten much better. She says she wants to work on our marriage and that she does not want to be alone.At this time she has cut off all intimacy with me. I have a history of verbally abusing her and not being there for her emotionally. I have changed these patterns and she has noticed and enjoyed the changes. I recently found an unfamilar phone number on her cell phone. I confronted her with it and she says it is someone from work. I asked her if she was involved with this man and she said no. I reviewed our phone bills from the last three months and realized that she talks to this man everyday. She talks to him on the weekends and sometimes at night. I confronted her again and she said that they were friends and that he was confiding in her about his doubts about his upcoming wedding. After much proding I finally got her to admit that she has been telling him about our problems. She tells me that he makes her feel needed and respected, something that I was not doing. She swears that she is not having a PA. She has recently been buying new underwear and tanning frequently she says she is doing this because it makes her feel better. I can account for most of the time when she is away from me. What makes me mis-trust everything she is saying is that I had to drag this information out of her. Should I trust that this man is only a friend? What should I do?

K,
I am sorry for your pain!! I can relate. Unfortunately your story is very similar to mine. Let me retell it and it may help you in your situation.
I , like you, was very angry and made my wife and kids suffer from AO as well as angry withdrawal. I was just generally not a nice person. I was very controlling. Sound familiar?
My W was miserabe. She often told me this. Unfortunately it was usually in the heat of the moment so I took it as nagging/complaining. About 6 months ago the complaining lessened. My radar should have gone off but as SH says on the site I was the typical H who assumed things were getting better.
W had turned to a M who she used to work with before we were M'd. It started innocently enough. A few phone calls "How are you?" turned into more calls. They started talking about our M and all of the issues. The cell phone calls become more frequent. At one point they were either talking or v-mailing each other every other day. This turned into a few lunches to talk. OM started talking to W about his M. Can you see where this is headed. Unfortunately, it went to the point where each shared their feelings about the other. This cut me like a knife in the heart!
I have always been jealous of this OM bc of the way the W would talk about him; very idealized. They also had alot of similiar interests.
I had this "feeling" when she rekindled this R after 15yrs. Although it seemed innocent enough and I didn't want to appear to be the Big Green Jealous Monster, I started to ask the occassional question. How often do you talk to OM? Response was a lie and she added were just "special friends don't be paranoid." Have you talked about our M with him? "No" Cell records told the whole story. He'd call on her Bday, Valentine's day etc. After it all came out it was EA that had started to wind down.
What does my long and boring story tell you?
1) Opposite sex confidants are extremely dangerous regardless of how innocent they start off. Hopefully your W hasn't gotten to the point where she has shared her feelings w/ OM
2) Get to counselling immediately! your W will need the confidant less if you are involved in counselling. Cing may also give you the oppurtunity to discuss OM w/ W and C. Most Cs understand that this behaviour is dangerous.
3) Start working on your self immediately. SH calls it Plan A. If your W is to the point where she won't go to Cing go by yourself and start working on your anger issues.
4) Like my W,your W more than likely will not view her R w/ the OM as an Affair. This will take some time.
5) I told my W about the MB site and I started printing things to discuss w/ her like the Emotional Needs questionaire. Start w/ the R improvement items. DO NOT START BY PRINTING INFIDELITY INFO.
6) It will take a while for your W to believe that your Plan A is real and won't disappear as quickly as it appeared. My C gave a good analogy. He said that my W heart has been calcified by my anger and it will take awhile for the hardness to melt away.
7) Once your Plan A has been effect for awhile ( in my case 2 months) you can approach your W about the OM and start discussing thayt this situation is an A not just friendship.
8) Be patient. I wanted to jump in immediately and tell my W no contact w/ OM
9) Read and explore the MB site!!!!
I hope this helps a bit

Thanks for the reply. I discussed this issue with W last night. She has assured me that there is no romantic attraction towards this man, and for some reason I believe her. She said that she will no longer discuss personal issues with OM. She was also supposed to play in a company golf outing in 2 weeks in the same foursome as the OM. Last night she told me that she dropped out of the outing because she did not want me to be uncomfortable with the situation. I did not even ask her to do that. I feel good about the whole situation, am I being a fool?

K,
Based upon my situation,my guess is that your wife is not telling the whole truth "because she regrets having the EA and doesn't want to hurt you with the complete truth." You may want to talk to her about SH's policy of Radical Honesty. The reality is that the recovery process really can't begin until all the facts are out. My W did the same thing. A fact would come out because of my snooping and she'd admit to it but wouldn't take the next step and copletely clear things up. So a week would go by and recovery would continue but then another new fact would come out and the recovery would take a few steps backwards.
I don't quite have enough facts but just because W says there is no "romantic" attraction that may be true but the full truth may be that she has an emotional attraction based upon info. in your first post, " he makes her feel needed and respected, something that I was not doing."
When the time is right I think that you should tell your W that continued contact of any kind makes you feel uncomfortable.Continue on with implementing your Plan A.Once Plan A has been in effect for at least a month with no relapses you may be in a position to ask her for a No Contact promise and letter. See the MB site for details about the NC letter. ( I'm hoping that my W writes hers this week)
The bottom line is that your W may be telling you the truth however if she is involved she may be covering up. For now you need to work on yourself and your anger.
By the way, my W started running again about the same time the EA started because it," made her feel good about herself." As MB suggests I would start spending more time with your W, 15 hours is the recommended minimum. If you no longer have recreational activities in common then fill out the Recreational Activities Questionaire to find some.
Although your W has promised to cancel the golf tournie, what is her attitude about other contact with the OM? Continue to spot check the cell calls including the voice mails if possible. Once my W and OM suspected I was checking the v mail most of the communication occurred via the v mail
Good luck!!

Her attitude about not talking with OM about personal issues seems good. She says that since it make me feel uncomfortable she will stop talking with him on a personal level. The only problem with this is that she works with OM and they have to interact on a professional level, I do think she can avoid total non contact. Last night we had a slight argument, and she said I cannot tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. I am sinking, and I feel like I am close to giving up. I feel if I give up now I can avoid serious pain later.

K-
Sounds like you are rushing things a bit. Take the next 2-3 weeks and work on your Plan A. See MB site for Plan A descriptions. After that time she may believe that you can truely change and may be more willing to go NC w/ OM. By the way don't feel alone I rushed things, too. Wanted my W to NC OM almost as soon as I had found out. Had to show her Plan A was here to stay.
How did counseling go? Is intimacy still cut off? By intimacy I assume, since your male that means sex but how is non-sexual intimancy? Signs of affection from you to her or her to you?
It sounds as though your fight may have been caused by you telling her what to do with OM. If I were you I'd back off a bit, but then when time is right again I'd let her know that her R with him really hurts you. You are being Radically Honest and you are not making any Demands so no Love Busting (LBing)
Only you can decide if your M is worth fighting for. It's going to be painful for awhile but that's life. Your Taker will want to take over but don't let it.
To me it sounds like your W is showing at least some posative signs. Keep working on creating a safe environment in your home with NO LB's

My H was in a very intense EA/PA last year with a single coworker. I confronted him twice before he confessed it finally but even after that it continued on for several more months despite his saying he was ending it. These types of affairs are very dangerous and most likely to rebound and lead to divorce. Read Harleys book Surviving an Affair and the book Adultery- Facing the Reality- its by a private investigator and will tell you specific things to watch for to note if she is back in contact.Rebuilding your marriage wont be possible until OM is COMPLETELY out of the picture once and for all. Take care- lifeismessy

Not to scare you, but EAs can very quickly turn physical. And lying about that aspect goes with the territory. The fact that she was talking to him at all without you knowing, shows she wasn't being honest to begin with.<p>My H also SWORE that his A with my former best friend was EA only. He looked me in the eyes and told me he had NEVER been with another woman, etc. etc. She also assured me it was just 'talking.' Well, 6 years later in counseling I found out it was indeed physical, including IN MY BED which makes me sick.<p>People involved in affairs get VERY good at lying to protect themselves and their little fantasies. This man obviously met some need of hers, try figuring out what it is.<p>I strongly feel that ALL affairs start with just talking. But then you cross the line by telling the other person things only your spouse should know. That's what happened to me and though we're still together, our marriage will never be the same.<p>If she works with him, this is going to be very hard. That's a lot of temptation.<p>I truly hope she is being honest and will break it off with him, and that you can trust her

Thank you everyone for your insight. I am having a very difficult time believing and trusting my wife. Small things she has lied about keep coming up. I do not know if I will ever get the whole truth from her. Is it worth getting a private investigator to watch her for a while? She knows I am watching her now so I don't know if a PI would be a good idea. Do you think she could have been having an affair and ended it because I know she has been talking w/OM. Does anyone believe that she was only using this man as a confidant? I am considering moving out for two reasons. First I cannot trust her and maybe the truth would come out if I was gone. Secondly I have this illusion that maybe "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Please help me with my decision, thanks.

My wife came clean last night. She said that she has been out to dinner with OM 6 times. She said she had to work late but was with him. She also said she was going to a bachelor party and staying the night at the party. She told me she did not go to the party but spent the night with OM. She said he was living in the motel temoparily and she really needed someone to talk to. She swears there has been no physical intimacy between them. She now has a sudden change of heart she wants me to stay with her and try to make our marriage work. Is it possible or likely that she has not had a physical relationship with this man? What should I do, I do not trust her and I am terribly hurt. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I know how much it hurts to find out what your spouse has REALLY been up to. By the time I found out how 'involved' my H's relationship with a single coworker REALLY was it was nearly too late to save my marriage!!! It took months of my reading and figuring out how to turn things around before H began to finally end the A once and for all. You are in definite dangerous water here when your W is choosing to confide in OM and respects him more than you. I urge you to read the books Surviving an Affair by Harley and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. These books are excellent for helping you understand the progression of how affairs develop and what influence your actions will have on it. Take care- lifeismessy