Okay, I haven't been here for a few days. Here's a VERY shortened version of my story. OW is H's step-cousin, whom I considered my best friend. A lasted 3 yrs., H told me about it on April 19. I've been plan A-ing. H and I spoke with OW together 1 wk. after d-day. She told me when she and I were alone that she'd break contact with H even if he didn't want to. That it was over. Seemed very sorry, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.<p>Since then, I know that they've spoken on phone 3 times, cuz H told me. He's trying very hard, but finding that he misses her, which is hard for me, but I want him to be honest. She doesn't know that I know that they've spoken.<p>So she sent me this email 2 days ago, just a friendly note like I might have expected from her before d-day. Told me she's praying for us, thinking of us, loves us, etc.<p>How do I respond? Do I respond?<p>I kinda want to tell her that if she wants to know how everything is going, she can ask my H the next time she talks to him. Just so that she'll know I know. Good idea, or just ignore her?

If you both agreed to no contact. Then do exactly that. No response is my feeling.

Hi Dani,
I am new to MB, I have to agree with Listener48. No Contact. She may be trying to contact him thru the backdoor by using you.

Here's what I think you should do. I think you should respond to the email. However, be blunt. The idea that she is praying for the two of your is a farse.<p>Why not let her know exactly what she has contributed to creating. Tell her about all the thoughts that burden you daily since you found out about the affair. Tell her about the thoughts of uncertainty with the marriage. I don't know if you have kids, but tell her about what uncertainty they will have if your marriage fails and they loose their father. Does she know that statistics prove that children of separated parents are more likely to expereience problems in the future, use drugs, abuse alcohol, or go through failed marriages as well because they do not have the insentive to work at their marriage. Why should they devorce is an easy way out. Tell her about the emotional roller coaster that is your life right now.<p>Don't put her down personally just show her what your going through and reitterate that no contact means no contact.<p>Do not be threatened by the fact that she is "family". When you got married you stood before everyone, including God depending on your faith, and pronounced your love to your husband. He and your kids are your number one priority everything else is second in command. I can't tell you how many times I have heard problems people are having with people just because they are family. They are just people too and yes, family members too, can be a-holes.<p>I have been through it. My mother past away in 1997 due to illness. My father remarried in the summer of 2001, August long weekend to be exact (Canada). My brother and I were to be his best men at the wedding. Originally my father wanted a small wedding, just immediate family, maybe 30 people at max, no kids. Well as the list was made more and more people were added. My wife and I respected the fact that the two of them had wanted no kids at the wedding. We had my wife's parents set up to babysit that day.<p>The day came closer and our city was hit with a heat wave, temperatures close to 40 degrees celcius, or 100 farenheit. My wife's parents are seniors and my wife's father, who is 83, was having a hard time coping, he became ill. It was obvious that they could not babysit. With it being a long weekend and only a day or so before the wedding my wife and I were strapped to find another sitter for our kids. Everyone we had contacted had plans for the weekend. My wife and I thought that we would just have to bring the kids to the wedding. It shouldn't be a problem since our kids were my father's grandchildren anyways.<p>Wrong! He made a huge stink over them coming and told us if they come he would have to invite everyone elses kids too. We argued and argued over this for a day or so. Man it was a stressful time. Not to mention the fact that my wife and I were trying to rebuild our marriage from her PA earlier in the year.<p>My father flat out said to my wife and I that he really only cared that I show up at his wedding, since I am his son. If we couldn't find a sitter then my wife is uninvited and she could watch the boys.<p>I was faced with a real tough decision. Do I side with my wife or with my father. It was one of those fork in the road decisions and which path to take.<p>However, it was clear that my wife and our kids were my number one priority in regardless, father or no father, I needed to support her. The next day I called my dad, on the day of his wedding and told him that I would not be attending, if my wife's invitation was revoked, so was mine.<p>My father and I never spoke to each other for six or seven months. We have begun to speak again and things are getting better between the two of us. His actions are different. I stood up to him for the first time in my life and I also stood up for my wife for the first time too. It devasted him to have no contact with me for those months and to not see his grandchildren.<p>The point I am trying to make is regardless of family your priority is to your immediate family and you need to set this woman straight to where you stand in things with your husband, and where she has contributed into what your life intails right now.<p>[ May 23, 2002: Message edited by: bluerodeoboy ]</p>

I think no contact would be in order. I would not validate her in any way shape or form. It's wonderful that she is thinking of you, praying for you and loves you but has absolutely no respect for the sacrament of marriage between you and your husband. Never mind the fact that she is family.<p>It is great that your H has told you about the times he has been in contact with her. Has he written her a no contact letter?

I think a no contact letter is in order......from your H but also read by you b4 you send it.<p>This letter makes it absolutely clear that there is to be NO contact with you guys for any reason.......<p>Okay in family situations this can be difficult. you may have to attend some family functions where she is present...but in that case, make it clear in your letter that at such times as you HAVE to be together in the one place, that there will be no conversation between you all. And if she DOES approach you or H, walk away. Do not allow this person to manipulate herself back into your lives.<p>Oh, btw......they spoke three times on the phone.......who called who?<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

I'm with Nina,too on this. Your husband needs to state in writing to this woman that she is to contact neither of you. Then he needs to mail it - registered mail so that she must sign for it.<p>Then he needs to keep his end of that agreement.

I thought the "no contact" rule was for the two people involved in the affair... Did I miss something?

Thanks, everyone. I have been trying to ignore OW since I posted this (BTW, I was not ignoring the advice, I just haven't had access to a computer). OW has called my house a couple of times in the past 2 wks. and I answered the phone before I looked at the caller ID (won't do that again). I answered her questions (which were really lame excuses for calling) and I was civil and short and to the point. After I answered whatever she wanted to know, she acted like she wanted to visit. I just said goodbye and hung up. She emailed me once more, as well...I didn't respond. <p>H has a cellphone for work. I don't know if she's called him anymore (he has said that usually she calls him), but I'm sure she probably has. I'll know when the cellphone bill gets here.<p>I'm backing off the no contact request for right now, plan A-ing, and I will bring it up again when I don't think that H will perceive it as a LB.

OUCH! I can relate. My H had an affair with my sister! I thought she was my best friend -- obviously I was wrong. I have had NO contact with her since I found out (neither has my H), but I can guarantee that if that b*tch ever calls my house, I would NEVER speak to her! Stick with the No Contact rule -- who knows what her agenda could be! Keep her out of your life... as I am trying to do. (not easy with family, huh?)<p>Hang in there!
MC Needs Your Help

mc needs your help,<p>How do you deal with family gatherings? We have chosen not to tell anyone else about A, so just me, H, and OW know. I don't see a need to hurt anyone else with the info. But I don't know how to do the whole get-together thing now, cuz we got together a whole lot before d-day.