On 2 separate occasions over 10 years ago I had 2 sexual encounters. One with a prostitute I met in London and with whom I had (safe) intercourse. The other was in Florida when I had oral sex with a girl (not a hooker) that a married business associate had brought back to my hotel room to have sexual intercourse with and my room was convenient. In both cases I did not feel particularly proud and also suffered a big hangover due to the amount of alcohol I had consumed.<p>My wife whom I dearly love found out about these 2 encounters after I took a polygraph test today. The reason I took the test was that my wife had become suspicious of my possible infidelity during several trips I had taken THIS year and apart from some excessive drinking and late nights I had not been unfaithful. I wrongly assumed that the questions would be about current infidelity and so I was stymied when the question of the past came up.<p>She now wants a divorce and all the upheaval that will create. She has very high standards of ethics and cannot see how I could possibly love her because of these 2 encounters. I do love her and our sexual relationship had taken on a real spark the past few weeks and we were communicating very well - I thought. It now transpires that she had turned up the flame because she was worried about my possible infidelity and couldn't believe I could down 10 rum and cokes in the space of 2 hours all by myself - which I did.<p>How do I get her to see that the sexual encounters were not because I did not love her but simply satisfaction of alcohol-induced lust? <p>PS I have agreed to seek counsel on my drinking bouts. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

RD- I have a situation identical to yours. I also had casual sex with other women during the past 12 years or so. My wife is extremely pained by this disclosures. She feels I do not love her enough. If I did how could I have sex with someone else within five years of our marriage and then about Nine years later.
Frankly speaking, these acts were not due to any shortcomings in our marital relationship, but I guess more due to longing for something which is not there and my lack of commitment.
But strongly feel these were acts of lust and love. I do love my wife very dearly and am feeling very sorry for hurting her by my past acts.

Guys, guys, guys
You are both forgetting one major issue. Women are wired differently than Men. Most Women can't have sex until they love the Man. Most Men can't love the Women until they have sex. It may have been casual sex to the both of you but to your wives it was devastating. They don't want to hear you say things like,"It's ok because I don't love her ; it was only sex."
You can try sitting down with your spouses and confessing and ask for their forgiveness. A simple act of confession can go a long way to help rebuild.

Hi,
Yes, women are wired differently than men. The pain you feel when betrayed is gut wrenching. It makes a sane person feel like they are crazy. <p>You said alcohol played a role in these situations, my H has a friend, who, even though he is not M, has ruined many of relationships due to alcohol and sex. Now that he has quit drinking, he has been faithful to his current love. <p>She may calm down and decide that she does not want to end your M. My inital reaction was to file for D, when I confirmed my suspicions. Now, I want to make my M work. (my H does not know I suspect)<p>If she gives you the chance, you will need to prove to her that it will not happen again. You will need to let her know that you will do whatever it will takes for her to know it has not and will not happen again. Whatever you agree to do and follow through on will help to rebuild trust. She willl probably ask you to give up all aspects of privacy, to regain her trust you will need to do it. Ask her to go to counseling with you. <p>Tell her about this website. Maybe she could get some helpful advice herself from others here.<p>There are some very good books available on the website. I'm reading one right now, and have two others to read.<p>From other entries on the website, I hear the phone counseling with the Harleys has helped many.

Dear RD & Ash,<p>Oh my God. I am your wives or partners, except pathetic because I believe too strongly in working out problems.<p>My WP are like you, and some. He has had an alcohol problem for the pass 9 yrs (with perhaps a small break in the middle for 2 yrs). I did not realise this till now as I thought I was giving him be independence by letting himgo out on his own. He is a highly social person, whereas I am more quite (though, heaps of fun to be around and not bad looking either).
You can read my story in the General section (High School Sweet Hearts (SH), Cheating, then Prostitution).
I know my partner is much worse than both of you put together, but he came forth and told me each time (though this current one he kept for 3-4 yrs).<p>Women are different from men, and RD, I know your wife (figuratively speaking as I am of that nature). My counsellor said I have such high stds and morals that I border on being too righteous (?).
I have decided to give my WP one last chance, however it is not going so well because I can not understand how he could do such a thing.
I imagine him with some dirty thing, naked and in an act that is sacred when bonding (becoming one) with someone you care about. This haunts me day and night.
It meant nothing to you, but it sure meant something to the person you "love". What you did not only shows disrespect, but it makes her feel degraded to the OP.
Also, alcohol uninhibits you, but do you not think that it is wrong when you are in that situation?
And, does your love one's feelings matter?<p>What I'm having trouble with, at the moment, is my WP's anger.
It was only 4 mths ago that he told me about the most recent incidents, and barely 2 mths ago that he told me about the past 3-4 yrs (there was a 5 mth gap when he decided to stop, but then we had problems again. Most like because of the secret 2nd life he had).
He says life has been worse than H*** in the past 4 mths, I keep insulting him by not recognising how he's changed, and all I talk about is what he's done. And he's over talking about what he's done.<p>Have you guys been like this with your wives?
Do you "Hate" her for dwelling about it even though all she's been to you in the past is loyal, faithful, supportive, committed and willing to put all her efforts towards working on being together?<p>Every case is different despite the similarities, and different people may need different things, MB is a great place to just hear how you are not the only one.
Having said so, all I want from my WP is patience, love, show of love, understanding of how devastating this whole thing is, NO angry outburst within 5 mins of talking about it, and genuine efforts of wanting to recover from this, working towards completed committment. Oh, and radical honesty (my #1 EN).<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: eli ]</p>

Eli! Yes! <p>My H is the same! <p>He is not a drinker (at least never has been around me), but he totally had a double life. (If you want details, check out my overly-long first post from yesterday "is there any hope"?)<p>And he's constantly angry, irritable, crabby at ME and I'm so kind all the time. He says that he doesn't want to end it, but that he's such a horrible person that IIII should be the person to end it.<p>What's up with that? I want to save things. Ugh.

I just needed to correct myself quick. <p>I'm not a saint, like it sounds like I'm trying to make myself out in my last post! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am probably patient and kind to a fault. I need to get angry more often and communicate what I need better. <p>However, that's why it's hurtful when someone else (H) is angry with me for no reason that anyone can discern.<p>He says that he hates himself, and I'm the person closest to him that gets the brunt of it.<p>LASTLY, it sounded like an earlier posting was trying to describe the emotions of the BS when they find out...<p>How's this?<p>It feels like.......<p>My mind is continually trying to vomit out the poison, but nothing comes out but dry heaves.<p>It feels like........<p>My heart is being wrung out like a wet washcloth by someone with very large and very muscular hands. 24 hours a day.<p>It feels like........<p>My lungs keep stopping remembering how to breathe.<p>It feels like........<p>My limbs no longer serve any purpose except to flail about in my wailing and waiting.<p>It feels like........<p>I will never NOT be lonely again -- with or without a partner in my life.<p>This loneliness will be with me forever. The scar will never go away. <p>I am forever ruined for future relationships.<p>I wish that people considering being WS's could feel for just one moment what the true BS's and WS's feel afterwards.<p>I've never seen such horrible pain in my life.<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: christ's child ]</p>

Hello Everyone,<p>originally posted by christ's child:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He says that he doesn't want to end it, but that he's such a horrible person that IIII should be the person to end it <hr></blockquote><p>This typical fogese, WS talk. He may actually mean it, that he believes he is a horrible person. Or he may be trying to shift the responsibility for the breakup from him to you. In either case, don't buy into it. Stay here and continue to learn and keeping posting.<p>Guys, if you want to save your Ms, please do not discount the depth of your wives pain. Read what Dr. Harley has to say and come to them with your plan, your offering so to speak, for how your intend to prove to them that you are a changed man. If you do that, I bet that they will be receptive. Actions, not words, gentlemen.<p>Best wishes to all,
Estes