I recently had my first visit to a counsellor (by myself). My H had previously been to see him so I wanted to see him as well before we go there together. <p>The advice from the counsellor was that I should kick my H out. He said I need to make him "****-scared" of losing everything in order to snap him out of the fog. Does anyone think this would actually work?<p>We did separate for a couple of weeks to give him time to work out what he wanted and he decided that he wants to be with me and our children. Emotionally he's not quite there yet but physically he's here with us. I know he still has feelings for OW but we're only 9 weeks past d-day. I don't think kicking him out would help. How can you work anything out if you're not together? We have so little time together as it is so I can't see that taking that away as well would really help anything. <p>At least now we have the physical side of our relationship and I'm hoping in time the emotional side will come back too. I just don't know what to do. It's absolute hell to be waiting and wondering all the time and I would do anything if I thought I could speed that up but I know it's just going to take time.<p>HRO

Somewhere out there is the world's worst counselor. Thanks for locating him for the rest of us.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by heartrippedout:
<strong>I don't think kicking him out would help. How can you work anything out if you're not together? We have so little time together as it is so I can't see that taking that away as well would really help anything.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Did you ask your counselor this? This is exactly the correct logic, IMHO.<p>But, it may not be a smart move to dump this counselor if your H has agreed to see him. In other words, will he lose interest if you suddenly declare this guy is a quack?<p>Granted, someone else may reply to this post and agree with your counselor. (I could even predict some names.) AND, it's possible that kicking him out might work. BUT, go back to your very astute question above and don't forget it.<p>My bottom line suggestion is to continue with this counselor unless you know your H would willingly go to another one. In that case, try to screen for one who supports the MB principles or at least has better sense than your current one - ask your question up front during your initial, free phone consultation.<p>In either case, please consider a session by yourself with Steve or Jennifer - the MB counselors. Even if you don't continue with them, they can help you get on track for interfacing with your local counselor.<p>WAT

Heartrippedout,<p>Ditto to WAT post. Listen to that excellent advice from from Worthatry. Need to run, will check back later.<p>sobroken

What terrible advice! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Speaking strictly for myself, I think if my wife had kicked me out right after she found out, I would've immediately moved in with the OW. For a while I'm sure I would've been glad to get away from that "shrew" - until reality set in. My W kicking me out would just re-inforce my negative perception of her as a cold and unforgiving b****. <Fog think, of course><p>The situation created by you kicking him out won't be a good one because it's not a way to deposit love units - it withdraws them. <p>We never had to go there, but I believe the only time when you should ask him to leave would be when you've exhausted all the love you have for him and further contact with him would begin damaging you beyond repair. I think this is called 'Plan B' and is normally preceded by a 'Plan A'.<p>Are you at the point where you really want him to leave? You don't sound like it. So don't make him leave. It's as simple as that.<p>Oh, and BTW, get a new counselor<p>LowOrbit

When I first found out about my H's A my first reaction was to kick him out, but after some thought I told him he could stay if he did somethings for me. He had to change his cell phone number, his pager number, have no contact with the ow and answer any questions I had. I felt that if I kicked him out I would be doing just what he wanted. He would then be able to say 'look at me don't you feel sorry for me my wife kicked me out' It would turn me into the bad guy when I hadn't done anything wrong. I told him he was free to leave but it was his choice, that I wanted to re-build our marriage. I was not about to make it easy on him after what he had done. After that every time he told me he was going to leave I told him fine do what ever you want. It took five months for him to make up his mind to stay and work on the marriage and to give up all contact with ow. He told me after we were in recovery that he had wanted me to kick him out, that it would have made it easyer for him if I had. I know that if I had kicked him out he would have gone right to the ow and if he had moved in with her I would never have let him back. At the time I told him if he left our marriage was over and I meant it. The months that it took him to make up his mind were very hard on me but I have to say that if I had to redo it I would do it the same. It has seemed to work for us, he has been working very hard to make up for all the pain he caused. Good luck to you, go with your heart and your head. One thing that really helped me was the MB and all the people who let me know I was not alone. Just remember that God never gives you more then you can handle and if it doesn't kill us it makes us stonger. I know I am stronger then I was a year ago, and wiser too.