Almost 4 weeks ago I called my husband on his cell phone to tell him that I loved him and a Detective Hill answered his phone to tell me that he had been arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer. I have been devasted. We just had our third child 3 months ago. I am a devoted mother and wife. He says it was the first time. I don't understand. What was my role? I want to believe his sincere apologies and new changes that he has made(i.e., going to AA, going to church.), but I am so hurt.

Well that would be a shock. <p>For U, I would like to welcome U to MB. I am sorry you are in this situation and with a new baby at that. <p>Understanding anything right now is difficult. Is it possible for both you and your H to get with a good marriage counselor? Even the Harley's do phone counseling. It is a bit expensive but it is good. <p>There is also a book by Dr Willard Harley called His needs/her needs. Might be a good one to review and above in the concepts section, there is an emotional needs questionnaire which may be an eye opener. <p>You have a lot going on right now with the new baby, body hormones and all. I recommend you take it slowly and let the MC help both of you. <p>Let us know how you are doing. <p>Take Care,
L.

sheshe,
Hello and welcome to the club no one should be a member of. I am a WS and I hope hearing from me might give you some hope. My wife and I are having a good recovery from my A. Right now you’re shocked, lost and hopeless. You are about to go through the hardest time of your life. I tell you this to help prepare you for the roller coaster ride to come.<p>I imagine you want to work out your marriage (because you came here to post). It’s going to take a lot of work but it will be well worth it in the end. You are going to have to trust me on that one. Your husband needs to learn what he has done is wrong and that there is no excuse for what he has done. He must learn this himself. NO matter how much you tell him it won’t help. <p>Your going to learn about something called LB$ (love busters) and how they are counter productive in saving your marriage. A love buster is anything that disrespects your spouse and causes him to pull away even more. You need to deal with this in a logical manor if your marriage is to be saved. Think before you talk, stay calm when talking about what has happened, and be truthful with him and yourself. I bring this up because I am sure you’re extremely upset right now and are ready to let him have it. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve it; it will just get you nowhere.<p>Right now he knows he is in huge trouble and is wishing it never happened or he was never caught. He is trying to justify what he did in his head. Let me tell you there are NO EXCUSES for what he did. Don’t get me wrong, there are reasons it happened and you need to address them. Something is wrong in your marriage or maybe he has an addiction to sex, you need to figure it out together.<p>I am going to list a few suggestions that will help you get through this. Please fell free to ask me anything you want, I will do my best to help….<p>Read everything you can on the MB site.
Read the books by Dr. Harley. Start with “Surviving an Affair”
Consider both marriage counseling and individual counseling for you both.
Come here to vent. It will help prevent you from LB$ your husband.
Learn everything you can about meeting each other’s emotional needs.
If and when you start going through depression consider anti depressants.<p>I wish this never happened to any of us, but it did and we must be strong.

sheshe - good advice above.<p>Believe it or not, there is good news here: because he was caught right off the bat, he obviously didn't have an emotional attachment to this particular person, he didn't feel "in love", and thus there won't be any withdrawal. But this raises the added dimension that this may not have been the first time. Sorry to have to say that.<p>For reasons I cannot explain, guys' affairs and one night stands frequently occur shortly after the birth of a child. As you get into counseling, perhaps you will gain some insight on this aspect.<p>What I really wanted to say was that there's a HUGE difference between one night stands and emotional love affairs as it relates to recovery of a marriage based on what I have read on this forum. Unless your H has a sexual addiction or some other "pathology", you have a better chance of recovery compared with affairs that include the emotional component.

Hi, <p>How are you doing today?<p>L.

dear sheshe- you have the best of the best allready responding to you. i hope you are doing ok-i still vividly remember d-day. i cant imagine all you are going through with that and a newborn. my thoughts and prayers are with you-post any and all questions-we will try to help you understand.