I'm getting so tired of not feeling like I'm good enough. That was what I initially got out of finding out about H's affair and I seem to be getting the same thing every day. He doesn't actually say that but I know he's comparing me to OW and because she's "perfect" I don't stand a chance. I don't seem to be able to do anything that's good enough anymore. Would it kill him to occasionally acknowledge that I have some good points? I don't seem to have though. All I seem to hear is where I'm lacking. I just don't know how much more I can take. Why can't he see her shortcomings? I don't even really know her but I can name a hundred.<p>He says he loves me and that I matter to him but that's not how I feel. Mind you he says he still loves OW too but I'm supposed to be okay with that because he's here with me. I feel like such an idiot.I want him to feel how I feel and see if he likes it and whether it's okay then to treat me like this. It's a shame it's not possible to swap places for a day.<p>HRO

HRO<p>I've been here a while (D-Day #1 was 3/20/01, D-Day #2 was 7/20/01) and I usually just lurk, read, and add people to my prayer list. But I wanted you to know that your feelings are all too familiar to many of us. In the midst of our pain, the overwhelming shock of betrayal, and the sheer courage and strength it often takes to simply get through the next 10 minutes - we take on the burden of feeling totally inadequate. How insane is this?<p>Why would we even be tempted to cower in comparison to someone who was willing to have an affair? Someone who has spent days/months/years/decades lying to everyone around them - who compromised their morals, their values, their faith, their character, their families, their jobs - who willingly caused agonizing pain to the very people that truly love them? <p>In my case, it was my "best friend" who frequently had her children at my house after school(including her son who was also my son's best friend) while she was romping with my husband in the woods. She was a "strong Christian" who prayed with me about my concerns about my marriage. (I often wonder what God thought about her invoking His name to ease my pain when she was one of the people causing it.)<p>At first besides feeling so stupid and betrayed, my self-esteem when directly into the toilet. Everything became a comparison - she was prettier, thinner, had better hair, was more this and more that, blah, blah, blah. <p>Unfortunately, for me the triggers and thoughts and mental movies remain vivid and still nearly constant since I have so many "aha" moments to choose from and I sincerely empathize with you about enduring those nasty mental demons. But no matter what happens in our marriages, we can draw courage and strength from the knowledge that we are able to live with ourselves and our actions. <p>We don't have to try to hide from the crushing guilt that hovers over even the most fog-bound WSs. We can be proud of not compromising our character. We don't have to see the effects of the pain we caused to our children and our families. And even though we all recognize things we could have or would have done differently "if we'd only known," we also need to be gentle with ourselves, acknowledging that we didn't have all of the information necessary to be the type of partner our spouses needed.<p>Be good to yourself - surround yourself with the things and people that bring you comfort and security - reach out to someone else in need - <p>and if that fails, find some engergizing music (oldies rock 'n roll - a crashing symphony - anything but a sappy love song) get in the car, crank up the volume, roll down the windows, and sing at the top of your lungs! <p>It won't necessarily change things - but it will get your blood pumping again and maybe give you a few minutes of carefree relaxation in the midst of the nightmare.<p>mamaduck<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: mamaduck ]</p>

HRO - print out mamaduck's reply and carry it in your purse. You feel this way because you are rational and normal. You're willing to consider that you're not good enough - a very normal reaction when faced with adversity. WSs have lost this capability. How else can they continue their course? They've painted over all the mirrors in their lives.<p>For example:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by heartrippedout:
<strong>Would it kill him to occasionally acknowledge that I have some good points?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>In a way, yes.<p>For him to acknowledge your worth would require him to contradict his behavior; to question his new feelings. This would "kill" his fantasy. He feels as excited as you feel devastated - and there's nothing you can do to change his feelings. He's intoxicated on the love drug.<p>Your task now is to get hot on Plan A and acknowledge that there is nothing you can do to separate the affairees. The affair will very likely end. To hasten its end, do not interfere with it.

Thank you so much mamaduck for the advice. I try so hard to remain positive and some days I can but others it's just too hard. I just keep asking myself why it's fair that I should have to feel this way. All I've ever done is unconditionally love my H and trust him. Look where that got me. I don't understand why that was not enough for him. That's all I've ever wanted. Now I feel as though I don't even have a chance at that. This is all so painful. I would never wish this on anyone. No-one deserves to feel like this.<p>HRO

No one deserve this but yet BS stays and try to work it out. Hope WS will be awaken soon before it is too late. Stay strong and keep your vent in here. -RH-

HRO<p>You're right - some days it feels impossible to be positive, to find any sign of hope, to find shelter from the waves of destructive thoughts - <p>This is so unfair!
What did I do to deserve this?
How could he be so blind?
Why does God allow things like this to happen?
I'll never be good enough!
I've never been good enough!<p>the cycle is infinite and replays in our minds until we know we have crossed the border of sanity.<p>What makes it worse is that we're right - it ISN't fair, we DON'T deserve it, he IS blind. But we're also wrong - we ARE good enough and we always have been. Granted, there are things we all need to work on, but ultimately it was our WHs who made the choices and bear the responsibility for the consequences. <p>Unfortunately, in the twisted reality of life, it's the BSs that are forced to pick up the pieces and make decisions based upon where they now find themselves due to the selfish and cruel acts of their WSs. We can't force them to do anything, yet they have forced us into a pit of despair and pain. The inequity overwhelms us.<p>So what do we do now? For me, it's taking each day a few minutes at a time - not looking too far into the future - acknowledging even the tiniest blessing - praying for myself and others - trying to live in the moment by participating, not anticipating - and not making assumptions about what my WH is thinking or feeling. <p>I believe that WSs, even those in the deepest fog, are experiencing an internal struggle that equals the one we battle. Many bury it deeply, but it remains - eroding their souls and self-esteem. I pity them - they have surrendered control of their lives to a feeling that comes from a relationship built upon quicksand. <p>Hold on to the fact that he loves you and you matter to him - remember that the "love" he feels for the OW is built upon a lot of hot air that is "all wet" from the fog, while the love with you has a foundation of shared triumphs and tragedies, a history of two lives joined before God. In his heart, he knows he can count on you, that you'll be there, and I believe that in the end, he will thank you daily for your vision and strength and courage when he was so blind and weak.<p>It may feel silly, but go look at yourself in the mirror and repeat this 30 times -<p>I AM A COMPASSIONATE, BEAUTIFUL PERSON WHO IS WORTHY OF THE LOVE AND KINDNESS I RECEIVE FROM OTHERS. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY SELF-DOUBTS OR THE CRUELTY OF OTHERS AND TODAY I WILL FIND WAYS TO SHOW TO MYSELF THE SAME LOVE AND KINDNESS I GIVE TO MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, AND EVEN TO STRANGERS. <p>mamaduck

Wow, What a beautiful thread. To all of you "Thanks"! I believe I'll print it out myself, CSue