My story is really frightening -- and just really disturbing, as I'm sure all of yours are to you. <p>My husband (who is the betrayer, if that's the word you all use here) is from another country, which adds an interesting LEGAL dynamic to just the smallest decision that I make. I can't even separate without it affecting whether my husband is able to stay in the country or not.<p>Here's the timline:<p>April 1999-meet future husband<p>November 1999-engaged - expecting to marry (not sure when) and move out of the country because of immigration snafus<p>December 1999-move into apartment together; everything is rosy<p>October 2000-we decide to move into a different apartment when our lease is up at the end of December 2000; we'll be moving over New Year's, but we'll cope.<p>December 15th or so, 2000
-some immigration laws change, our immigration lawyer tells us to get married asap because there are going to be big backups in immigration, and we don't want to have to wait several years for his U.S. residency (NOT citizenship which takes yeeeaaarrrsss to get). <p>-Future husband's parents are going to be in town over New Year's (precisely when we have our move scheduled), so we decide to quick marry then, too.<p>-we STILL don't have anywhere to move at the end of the month, tension is building<p>December 25, 2000-future husband has first moment of withdrawal from me -- I remember it so clearly, I wish I would have done something. But when it's less than a week before you're married, and you've only had 2 weeks to plan, EVERYBODY is acting strange, and there's only so much you can do about it.<p>December 27, 2000-Future in-law's arrive from other country and are staying at our apartment during our move! ugh!<p>December 28, 2000-Finally find a place to move to<p>December 29, 2000-Future husband's last day of work. He will be out of work until his new work visa comes through from the Immigration and Naturalization Service.<p>December 30, 2000-we move. House is filled with boxes, but they'll have to wait. Future husband is getting more and more bizarre. I have spent the last week wondering if I should get married to him or not. I think he might not want to be -- which is soooo strange, because he has been so pro-marriage and pro-family and pro-our shared life together. It's just very odd. Again, I chock it up to the stress of so many changes at once.<p>December 31, 2000-a day of rest -- but we're marrying the next day and it's up in the air whether we will or not now<p>January 1, 2001 -- I don't know if I should go through with this now. I have a million doubts. I speak to my parents about it. They say that if we love each other, all will be okay. Future husband speaks to my dad and his dad about it. They say the same. We marry. Future husband begins to sob during ceremony. Afterwards, in car on way to reception, he is somber and doesn't look at me. Honeymoon evening is okay, but he's harsh and seems angry and upset.<p>January 2, 2001-Now-husband announces that he doesn't want to be married. I say that we don't have to send in the license we signed, thus making us not married. I cry and cry and cry and cry and am just SHOCKED.<p>(In fact, I think I may have cried every day for a year and a half now.)<p>Husband is obviously depressed and confused because this is sooo out of character for him. <p>end of January 2001-Husband goes to stay with brother and decide what he wants from our relationship -- does he want to be married not married.... what? And also, he goes to try and get his depression straightened out by spending more time with biological family.<p>February 2001-Husband says that he does want to be married. We talk and talk and talk and determine that the many transitions were difficult, he's getting better, and we will be married again by a justice of the peace at the end of the month.<p>Late February 2001 -We marry on Friday afternoon, husband spends Sat. and part of Sun. with me and says that he's going back to his brother's because he's not ready to live with me again yet - one week later he returns for good (sort of).<p>-Husband too depressed to handle immigration matters. I begin putting everything needed together. Our first round of applications will take me about 10 hours to prepare everything for the lawyer.<p>February-July 2001-Husband is out of work. He is miserable about himself and not providing income for the two of us. He frequently talks about suicide and how much he hates himself. I have been through depression (like 9 years ago), so I know what he's going through, and encourage him to get to a counselor - over and over and over and over and over.<p>April 2001-Husband, lawyer and I bring first round of immigration paperwork to INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service) office and apply for permanent residency for husband. Husband is treated somewhat like an animal and rudely by staff there, but that's a complaint for a different message board. Let's just say that racism is so much more painful when it's happening to someone you care about. Husband receives new work permit ON THE SPOT! (Not always the common procedure, so definitely a blessing!)<p>-However, our marriage is slowly coming apart at the seams because of his depression (or at least, I THINK that it's because of his depression). Husband goes out "driving around" until 4 a.m. to calm himself down. He's not concerned that I'M concerned and that that is not appropriate behavior. I don't even want to think about Valentine's Day or my 30th birthday. What miserable nights those were. I don't ever remember crying so much in my life.<p>June 2001-INS needs more papers from us. Another 10 hours or so of me working to get them together.<p>July 2001-Husband returns to work. Yea! Everything will be okay now! (yeah, right) <p>July 2001-October 2001-Things continue to be difficult. He doesn't come home after work - goes to be with friends or brother. He's very depressed, continually extremely angry with me (for the slightest provocation), emotionally unavailable -- in short, NOT AT ALL what I signed up for!!!<p>September 2001-Get notice from INS saying they plan to deny our petition for my husband's residency and deport him -- and that we have 5 days (not business days, but regular days) to file an appeal. I take remaining vacation days off of work to work on appeal. Lawyer manages to get extension until end of December, so I return to work. Appeal paperwork is 2 inches thick all together, with files and papers from 7 different places (IRS, Student Loan Co, etc. just a ton of proof saying that I would be caused undue hardship if my husband were sent out of the country). It will take me until mid-January 2002 to finish all of the paperwork for this. (We got another extension.)<p>November 2001-Find out husband has been lying to me about seeing counselor and taking anti-depressant medication. I suggest separation because there is no way that I can continue to live with someone who chooses to not get better. This is a choice that was recommended to me by my individual counselor.<p>late November 2001-Husband misses Thanksgiving celebration (the anniversary of our engagement) with my family because he is called in to work.<p>December 5, 2001-Husband and I have tickets to see his favorite classical music piece performed at local theatre. He's never been to see classical music live before. This is my anniversary present to him. The day of performance, he forgets about it -- and then insists on driving separately from me so he can be sure to get to his brother's immediately after concert. Refuses dessert and coffee with me because there's something really important on t.v. at brother's. Again, I cry and cry and cry all night.<p>January 2002-Anniversary? Well, it wasn't our true anniversary anyway. We went to spend New Year's away from everyone else. Hoping to get some quality time and pave some way for some reconciliation, but the next day, the day of our real anniversary, husband went to be with brother and his family.<p>mid-January - meet with lawyer and hand over large briefcase full of paperwork for him to file our appeal to the denial of residency. He files that (without us) at the end of January.<p>February 2002-still not living together since the November separation. No sign of husband paving way for his own depression recovery. However, he does plan a nice evening out for the two of us on our real anniversary. Otherwise, our relationship consists of him calling me and us talking for 5 minutes a day at work.<p>late February 2002-receive notice that the INS has granted us an interview to review our petition for residency!!! (They could have just flat out denied our appeal, so this was great news.)<p>mid-March 2002-we have our interview with the INS and husband's residency (conditional status) is approved! hallelujah!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] In 2004, we will have to petition to have the conditional status removed (like all couples that have one non-citizen do), and then he can go through steps to become a citizen, if he wants to. Otherwise, he can just stay a permanent resident forever if he wants to, also.<p>March 2002-5 days before my 31st birthday I tell husband that relationship is in a bad state and something has got to give. We are below minus in the relationship checking account. I'm giving and giving and giving and trying to be really patient with his depression recovery and being as supportive as possible, but it's been over a year and I've seen little change and something has to give AND FAST, or we're not going to make it much longer.<p>March 2002-my birthday. Husband takes day off of work to clean the house -- something his new, depressed and angry personality would never do -- especially since he hasn't been living there -- and I had no idea. He also planned a surprise party with a bunch of my friends! What a great guy! He spent the majority of the whole weekend with me, and just sat around and we talked. He said that we hardly ever do that anymore and he wanted to have quality time. Who is this person? Did my real partner finally come back?<p>also late March 2002-Easter Sunday-Husband spends little time with my family and takes off for his brother's again. We have a bit of an argument, and he calls me some other woman's name. He tries to blow it off by saying it's someone he works with.<p>April 1, 2002-I'm at a friend's house after work and husband calls in a tizzy, wants to see me. Of course, I say, and we hook up in a public place. He arrives and is out of sorts, can hardly put a coherent sentence together. I tell him that he can come and stay at my girlfriend's house that night so he doesn't have to drive so far home (there was a blizzard). He arrives at about midnight, and is just in a crazy mood. He hardly sleeps at all, and his pager goes off twice during the night. He says that it's a friend of his, and says he's going to go to the payphone to call him. I tell him he's crazy and that he's acting suspicious.<p>The next morning he's acting crazier and crazier and says we have to leave the country. I finally get him to calm down and then a bunch of things all click for me and I ask him if there's another woman. He says yes. I say, "Her name is X." He says yes. Finally, finally, I get him to tell me the story.<p>He started seeing her in August of 2000! Before we were even married! She knew that he was engaged when he met her earlier that summer, but then late in the summer he told her that the engagement had been broken off and started seeing her. He stayed with her for over a year and a half. The entire time we were married. Those times I cried and cried and cried and couldn't figure out why I was such a low priority (I'm hiw WIFE for goodness sakes!), he was with her. He was with her on New Year's Day (our sort-of wedding anniversary), on Valentine's (when we had said we were going to spend it with single friends that needed a "boost"), on Thanksgiving (when he said he was on call and it was the anniversary of our engagement), even just one day before telling me he had gone back to her and told her that he was going to divorce me and was just using me to get a visa to stay in the country, which is something that I always vowed I would turn people over to the authorities for. <p>He LIED during our wedding vows.<p>THEN, THEN, he had been seeing this woman for so long, and she had no idea he was married, and, of course, she's in love, so she wants to marry him. So he PROPOSED to her, and was engaged to her for 3 months while he was married to me!!!<p>Scary thing? Husband's family had NO CLUE about this, neither did I or my family, the OW had no idea, neither did her family.<p>He was living a double life. Scary. Scary. Scary. And he did it for over a year and a half. What kind of a human being does something like that?<p>AND THEN, they were going to get a place together, and about 2 days before they were to move in together, he told her he couldn't because he was married. Of course, she freaked out and threatened to turn him over to INS blah blah blah.<p>He told me about it because some of my parents' friends found out and he knew they would tell me and my parents about it.<p>He returned home right away and said he would do whatever it took to put things back together again. We started seeing a marriage counselor. <p>Two weeks after I found out about this, I re-dedicated my life to Christ. I had grown up in the church, but had gone away from it in young adulthood. I'm now in early-30's, and I was ready to move away from the cynicism, sarcasm, jadedness of 20's and move into a relationship with the Lord, realizing that I could turn my troubles over to Him and He would do wonders.<p>Three weeks into counseling, the counselor told us to separate. Husband needed to be the pursuer, and I needed to let him pursue and not contact him. Okay. (I wondered if the counselor were Christ-centered, if she would suggest the same or not. I don't know.)<p>Husband didn't do his end of the deal. He called me every week day -- again, from work -- but that's it. We were able to get along better -- laughing, etc. or whatever and I just moved on with life -- trying to block him out as much as possible and focusing on myself and strength in spirituality.<p>So, after the month separation, we went back to the counselor, and we gave her updates on the separation, and she was disappointed that husband did nothing to pursue -- phone calls are not enough. <p>Our counselor said there was no point in counseling because we really weren't married anyway (since the vows had been a lie in his case, and because there never was any stability from the beginning) -- and that the only way to save a relationship is if both people are equally committed to it. She said she doesn't believe that husband is committed to counseling until he gets his own issues worked out (which he's not doing) so that's the end of that.<p>There's no question about us moving back in together. I'm trying to find a place on my own and I'm giving the majority of our communal stuff away -- anything that he doesn't want or that I don't want. We're both going through the place before the end of June and taking out what we want. (We didn't get wedding presents, so luckily, I/we don't have to deal with that.) Luckily, I don't really care about possessions - most of the stuff is only meaningful because it's meaningful to our relationship, and I'd rather not have those things around right now.<p>So, when I suggested this (giving things away, taking away what you want, etc.) he duly noted that the things that I don't want are things that remind me of him. I said yes.<p>Obviously, this has just been a downward spiral getting worse and worse and worse. The only comfort and hope I have had since 12/25/2000 has been in the Lord and with my church. Thank goodness for that! <p>So, husband and I are just mere MOMENTS - just a half a step - away from divorce.<p>I went on the Internet tonight to look up how to get a divorce in my state, how much it costs, I even got information on some free seminars offered to women considering divorce.<p>I ended up here. Why? I don't know. One of the websites said that divorce is the last resort. Have I really exhausted all of my options?<p>Is there really any hope, or is it time to just pack it all up and give up? I've been wondering that for a long time and now, now, now -- I'm ready to file for divorce and I just want to make sure.<p>I think I'll talk to one of my pastors again about this before I make any final decisions. I need a spiritual perspective on this.<p>As soon as I file for divorce, there will be no second chances, because my husband will be deported and will not be able to enter the country again for 10 years.<p>Divorce will/would be much more final for me than for the rest of you.<p>So, I know it's hard to believe that I actually have any happy memories of time with this person, but I do. And I do believe that relationships are salvageable. I just don't know if I should even care any more about this one. Am I just setting myself up for more hurt?<p>Thoughts?

Welcome to MB. Please follow the General Welcome and read as much as you can about MB. Nothing in the world is a coincident, you were brought here on purpose. MB is very in line w/ the Bible teaching on M. The command to fullfill EN are written all over the place. MB beleive in repentance and beleive that people could change ... but comes from within. Sorry that your M is full of betrayal even before it starts. However, learn about plan A, ENs, LB post some more for questions and updates.<p>You have to sit down and think on what you want. It seems that you have some EN filled in the relationship and you are longing for it. If you are up to it, a 'coaster ride, you might be able to save your M. There is no gurantee that you will but if you do you will have fullfilling M better than before and if you won't you will be able to move on guilt free and never look back. On the other hand, you know that you might even get the court to anull your M !.<p>To me Dv is final. It is an adultery if I take my W back after Dv. I still could not find any scriptures that say it is fine !.<p>Two quick notes ....In MB, BS are discourage to filed Dv !. Second, don't use the "deportation" to manipulate H, no inteference in A. The goal is to rebuild M to a better one not just to save M.<p>Could you post a bit detail on your H attitude lately ?.<p>God Bless you -RH-

I had a great reply to you and LOST IT! I'll try again.<p>Sorry original post was so long! Felt good to release to folks that really "get it".<p>H's attitude: We talk once or twice a day. <p>He's always angry or depressed or in a bad mood about something.<p>Attitude about our relationship is to cut me out as much as possible while still hanging on to me.<p>We have totally separate lives and he seems fine with that.<p>Also, he doesn't face problems but runs from them. (H is afraid of what he'll find out about himself and he's running from it, instead of trying to do his part in fixing our relationship.)<p>That's why I think separation suits him so well: he doesn't have to face problems and fix things --he doesn't have to live like a husband, but he doesn't have to go through the pain of divorce (and subsequent deportation and embarrassment).<p>He's very much a cake-and-eat-it-too kind of guy.<p>I have read plans A and B. Supposedly H has had no contact with OW since 4/1 (yes, the fool's day). <p>Because of people involved on the periphery, I think it would be difficult for him to have more contact with OW and not get caught -- and he knows that. <p>Unless OW were willing to cover for him, and folks say she wouldn't do that. But desperate women do desperate things sometimes.<p>Usually, I don't think H going back to OW is that much of an issue right now.<p>I think issue right now is that H is so self-absorbed that he can't or chooses not to work on relationship with me.<p>Also, this prevents him from ever being in agreement with me -- no Joint Agreements here. His response to most things I say is no, no, no, no.....<p>Showing things from this website and having to consult together on decisions is DEFINITELY not something he wants to do.<p>He wants freedom and space. I've given it - probably to a fault.<p>Plan B is a recipe for divorce. In H's culture, there is no such thing as tough love. If you stop speaking, you're done for.<p>Should I be a part of this anymore? Does God want me to be?

Hi,
I'm new here, been here less than a month. As far as if God wants you to be here, only you can answer that. I will tell you how I found this site. I was hurting, wanting to find ways to get even with him, looking into divorce, and being torn up over the thought of divorce, torn up over what do I tell the kids, while searching on the web, I found MB, I looked into it, and felt comfortable here. This is where I belong while I work on my M. I hope to become as wise as some of the others and maybe I can pass along what I have learned from here. My well meaning friends tell me to dump the "loser". I cannot do that, and I don't see him as a "loser". <p>When I first came to MB I was full of doubt, wondering, confusion.(sometimes I still am) I'm sure you are going through the same thing. For, me, I found MB to be very helpful in sorting things out quickly. He is responsible for his own decisions and actions. When I found myself dwelling on the situation, I put those energies into another activity, I tried exercise, (drop one size, so there are some perks to this [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) It helped me to focus on something else other than the problem. It not the same as running away, you cannot be consummed by the problem so it overtakes your life. <p>Good luck to you.