Hello everyone I am a new member. I guess I just need some help and advice. I'm the wife (25) and he's 31, we've been married for 3 1/2 years and have two boys: 3 and 2. I just found out this past March that he was unfaithful 2 times with the same prostitute, a friday then a saturday night sometime in January. He told me everything because I had become suspicious: he was drinking, smoked marijuana with her, used a condom. And I guess it's too soon but I just can't get over this. I feel depressed and paranoid, I may need to speak to a therapist because I am crying on a daily basis. My husband cried when I told him that I wanted to leave, but his tears did not work with me, I was out the door but he begged. He writes me love letters and blames himself because at first he was blaming ME!! I feel he loves me, i know he does, but he destroyed the love i had for him. I guess I'm not asking a question, I just wanted to vent. When we argue he gets very emotionally abusive: "it's was your fault" "You deserved it" "you pushed me away" then he begs for forgiveness i'm so confused. thanks for reading.

Dear Sad,<p>WElcome to MB. Sorry for your sad situation but you are amond those who have gone through similar. Please read the concepts section above and know that your anger is what the BS (betrayed spouse) goes through. <p>Also the books surviving an affair is good but an even better one will be his needs/her needs. Both books are by Dr Willard Harley. His son Steve and Daughter Jennifer work as counselors and you can have a phone counseling session. <p>I recommend you find a good MC or call the Harley's. They will help you work past your problems and help the both of you move forward. <p>Now identifying the cause and searching for a fix is a good start. You may have to your advantage a WS who is willing to admit they did wrong and want to fix it. If so, be glad. You are then much closer to recovery than those of us who had to deal with a Ws in denial or deeper fog. <p>Now I will ask a personal question. Based on your user name, are you in California? I am in the Bay Area. There are a few of us in this area (yep, lots of A problems here!!!). U don't have to answer this if you don't want. <p>Take care and welcome to MB.<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Dear Sad,<p>What your H did is NOT your fault, and you did not deserve it. It was 100% his CHOICE to do what he did. Don't let him intimidate you. Has he been abusive to you before in other circumstances? Do you have family nearby or other support?<p>As you study MBs articles and philosophy, you will learn how to evaluate the condition of your marriage and if there are problems, what to do to correct them. Even if there were problems, that does not mean that anything you did caused your H to do what he did, not at all. Please believe that you did nothing to deserve this treatment. As Dr. Harley says, your H failed to protect his own weakness, therefore HE chose to have this EMR.<p>As you are working through this, please be careful. It would be wise to insist on testing for you and him for STDs. Your children's future depends on their having a healthy mom. Protect yourself until you know that your H is no longer seeing the prostitute and has tested negative for STDs. She could have jeopardized not only your M but also your health.<p>Take care,
Estes

Hi sad in sf, <p>How are you doing?

Hey Sad Im sad too!
But not as sad as I used to be. You are reacting normally, we have all been through the same rollercoaster. Come here to vent and to calm down and get a clear plan.
I wonder if your H (husband) may have a sexual addiction. He may need treatment.
You are not alone
L.

thanks for writing back everyone! yes i am in the bay area, originally from SF now living in the east bay. The first couple of weeks that he told me i was really confused, scared, emotional. Now i am doing a lot better, I do feel so sad for the Problems everyone else is going through that are far worse than mine, but the pain inside is still the same. I dont think he has a sexual addiction because when this happened we hadn't had intercourse for about 2 or 3 months and the fights we were having i would tell him "i'll never touch you again" of course i didn't mean it. but i realized that he has a weak mind so when i say things like that to him in some sort of twisted way he actually believes it. He is a wonderful father and provider but sucks as a husband. His mom died when he was young and had no dad, he practically raised himself, he has twin sisters who were both married and now divorced. So i try to see things from his point of view. I failed to mention that I too was having an 'emotional affair' with a long time friend of mine. BUT it only lasted 3 months and was over the computer and I stopped it because I felt guilty and made myself sad. So I started brand new with my H, then I figured out what he had done. Once again thanks for reading and for the advice, it feels good to know that there may be hope for us.

forgot to mention: he also says that what he did isn't really an affair because he wasn't sleeping with this girl and didn't have a relationship or even cares about her. And in his little mind he says i should feel "better" that it was someone we both didn't know. hah. He says what I did is more of an affair because I've known him for years, but I reminded him that I stopped that online thing because I KNEW what I was doing was wrong and I wanted to start over with him. He finally admitted that all he is saying is to make HIMSELF feel better. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Sadinsf,<p>Glad to hear from you. I recommend you both taking the emotional needs questionnaire located in the concepts section under the MB logo. Also read the book his needs/her needs along with surviving an affair. <p>Emotional affairs have deeper effects than those that are just physical affairs. Also how men vs women handle these are different. Understanding his true statements vs babble will be a challenge. The info here will help you meet that challenge. <p>Please let us know what you think after you read that info. I am in the South Bay but work in the Pleasanton area. So we are almost neighbors. <p>take care,
L.