Since I found out about my wifes EA and have confronted her about it, I thought that things would end. Boy was I wrong about a lot of things. Mainly that I was placing too much of the blame on the OM and not on my W. You see I know that my wife used to call him very often and the conversations would be anywhere from 10 minutes up to an hour on the phone. Plus the emails were enough to tell me that they had something planned in the way of getting together.<p>I thought that when I confronted her about what was going on with OM back in February, things would end with them. I think this was my big mistake. W kept calling him for about a week straight or every couple days. Of course she kept telling me that she would never leave me, but I think her feelings for him are not only real but strong as well. For sometime I thought we were past this and could put this behind us. But the reality is my W does not want to let this go. <p>I ended up putting something on our computer to track if she is still in touch with him. I have not found any emails from him or to him, but my W keeps doing white pages searches on him. I do not know what to think of all this. She also tried to call him back in early April about a week before we went on vacation. <p>I cannot help but to think that my wife is only with me for the sake of the children and really wishes to be with him. W ended up saving a picture of him on her private email account and does not want to get rid of it. It's wierd, she has a poem I wrote her while all this was going on and saved it on her other email account (plus some other things I said to her as well) and she has things saved about OM on her private email account.<p>I feel like I am competting for her and that she is keeping score on each of us.<p>All I want is our lives to be back to the way they were before all this happened. I really do not see what the reason is for her to be doing what she is doing. I think I treat her very well and always help with whatever she needs. I am good to the kids. I just do not understand why this is happening.<p>Is anyone going thru the same thing? I could use some advice on how to deal with this. I'm afraid that my wife is starting to go back to OM and I do not know if I can stop it this time. <p>Married 9 years
together for 15
2 kids
B-5
G-3

Hi, <p>I do not have time to do a search, could you please tell us if you have already seen an MC or spoken with Steve or JEnnifer via phone counseling? The reason I ask is that you are right about where your concentration needs to be. Remember this is fog stuff so the next step in repairing the M is not always easily identified for those of us still in shock over discovering the A. Also the WS (your W) have their 'withdrawal' period. She may be angry that you did try to stop the A when she should be grateful. That will take time. <p>Also what books have you read? have you identified (if any) what her missing ENs were or what the OM did for her that drew her away?

HI Orchid,<p>I have not seen any MC. If I even mentioned going to see a MC to my wife, then she will start tellling me that I cannot forget this or get past this. W does not want to talk about this at all anymore. I am in a no win situation. If I talk about this, then she will think our marriage cannot survive, if I do not talk about this then my marriage is still rocky.<p>The only thing I have done so far is talk about this with a friend who went thru a divorce because her H was cheating on her. <p>W was angry with me when I found out about what was going on. Actually, I am confused with what their relationship was, but I know it was not just friends as she says. <p>Have not read any books either. I have been reading articles about things like this. The problem is I am so up in the air about our relationship and I do not believe much of what she says. I have a slight idea of why OM drew her his way. He is single, moved to a new state (just up and left his old home) and started a life somewhere new. From what my W told me, OM did make her feel like her life was pretty blah. She told me that he did bring her down and that changed her perception of our marriage/family. OM has no kids just does what he feels like when he wants. Typical single life for a 45 year old. No worries like that of raising a family.<p>I think you are right about the withdrawl thing. She made 3-4 calls to him after I found all the emails they sent to each other. I just do not know why she has started looking for him again or why she keeps looking him up in the white pages on the internet. This is really confusing me and I think she might be trying to start things back up again.<p>My head is such in a fog!

Something Wrong
I feel badly for how you're feeling at the moment. It brings back memories of my situation. Some of the aspects of your story are similiar to mine. I'll share some of my thoughts on your postings.
First of all there must be a reason other than "excitement" for why your wife enjoys spending time with the OM. My guess is that he does a better job at meeting her EN's for either of or all of the following: Conversation, Affection,and/or Recreational Companionship. The EN's are usually very high on most W's lists along with Financial and Domestic Support. The MB site hads some great articles to help you become better at meeting these needs. Are you spending 15 hrs of quality time per week w/ the W?? <p>Next you need to understand that EA's are sometimes more difficullt to deal with than PA's. Why? Because alot of people, wy W included, didn't define her activities as an affair. "We're just special friends. Affairs are having sex. I'm not having an affair.<p>I made a tactical error w/ my W that I hope you avoid. I started in too early telling her that her R was an A. I should have spent more time doing my Plan A. What did I lack? Patience. Yes ..I know it's difficult because you have so many thoughts...Has it ended? Is she staying married to me bc of kids? Was it just EA or was it also PA? The other reason to start a Plan A right away is that it will help you get your mind off of all these thoughts because in SH's Plan A you are supposed to not only work on your behavior but you are aslo supposed to take care of yourself physically. Exercise is great for helping to relieve the stress. I started running again and lost 20 lbs. Was great for my self-esteem at a time when there were holes shot in it by my W.<p>Please be careful of confiding w/ someone of opposite sex. You are suseptible(sp?) to having your own A. My W's EA started by her sharing her M problems with an old friend. Then he started questioning his M. It was off an running from there.<p>Your comment about the competition w/ the OM is right on target. SH says that the first thing that you need ro decide is, " Do I want to save my M." If the answer is "yes" then you put your plan together to win your W back from the OM. You "won" your wife and she "won" you back when you were dating. We just forget that we need to keeping winning the spouse day after day by meeting EN's and not LBing. <p>It sounds as though you need to read more of the SH principles on the web site. I printed some of the articles and shared them with my W. Again start with the Basic Concepts like meeting EN's do not start with the Infidelity articles. Tell your W you found a great web site with marriage building tips and print of the EN's articles and questionaire.<p>I've been where you are so I can say it.....be patient ....go slowly....understand it doesn'y happen overnight.
Good luck and respond if you have more questions.

Thanks for the replies.<p>Well my W is trying to call him now. I just checked her calling card and she placed a call to his home. The call did not go thru or last more then 1 minute according to the operator. I am not sure if she just told him to call back or just hung up or had a chnage of heart about the call. ANyway I look at it, this is all starting over again. I am not sure how to deal with this anymore. I do not know if I can just let this go and see where it leads or confront her sometime soon. <p>This really sucks! Excuse my language. <p>Never thought I would be in this boat.

I would arrange to go see a marriage counsellor with her. It is obvious that your wife is obsessed with this OM. Unfortunately when there is a obsession the only way to deal with it is to make the consequences so severe (divorce) that it makes the obsession not worth it.<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: tomaz ]</p>

Read up on plan A - you need plan A. You may need it for months.<p>Good luck (and consider medical help too ... anti-depressants may assist you).

Hi, <p>If the W will not cooperate, you go get help, for yourself. The benefits will trickle down, eventually. In the meantime, you will be improving and able to move forward. <p>Looks like there will be lots of fog in your area for a while. Hanker down and read some of those books. Steve and Jennifer also do individual counseling and many MCs do the same. <p>Take a good look at your options. You have more than you know with or without your W's cooperation. <p>L.

SW,<p>Your marriage can be saved, but it's important to build a collection of skills to deal with the fallout of an A. <p>Reading Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley is a must. I strongly suggest you buy it today and read it tonight. Seriously, it will help you understand your W's state of mind and prepare you for what is ahead. The stages of an affair are so very predictable. Knowing what is coming next (Yes, you can actually know things even before they happen.) will enable you to have the most effective response.<p>The good news is that couples do recover from situations just like yours. It's not easy and those who develop a plan have greater success, not just in rebuilding their M but also in becoming a stronger person.<p>Best wishes,
Estes

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 06:39 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

P.S. I'm over on GQII - Taking Aim at the Elephant is my current thread and sometimes I post on Spacecase's thread. I have other posts which you can find in GQII using the Search function if you want to read my history.<p>I asked my H to leave the week before Easter - that's when he went into IC.<p>Odile