I deperately need help, I have been posting under Wife and EA-Help, but I have not been getting the responses I need. My wife finally came clean that she has been going out to dinner with a man from work 6-10 times over past 3 mo. She has also spent the night with OM in a hotel. Her explanation of the hotel was that she was going to drive 200 miles to her parents to tell them she was leaving me, she chickened out and stayed with OM in hotel. She said OM was staying in hotel because he was having problems with his fiance. My W says they did not have sex, but I am having a hard time believing her. I want the truth so that I can move on. Does anyone think she could be telling me the truth. She works with this man and sees him daily, how do we move on. Read my past post to get more details.

I used to be so trusting, well not anymore. Maybe it's just the hurt, betrayed part of me...but I would have to doubt her story. It seems that she gives you little pieces and bits of information here and there. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't do that. <p>Staying in a hotel with another man when you are married whether or not ANYTHING happens is 100% wrong.<p>If she had nothing to hide, I think you would have been told this a long time ago. I think she's protecting herself which is what my H did.<p>I am sorry for your pain

k-:<p>I know you're having a hard time trusting her, and maggieR is right, in that what she's doing is wrong, regardless of what may or may not have happened in that hotel room.<p>My W has told me similar things about her As. Mostly EA, with PA on only a few occasions. Including NOT having sex when they both were on travel and met in hotels - because my W decided she "couldn't go through with it." In the end, it's been the EA that's been the most destructive to our M, because it's much harder to "draw the line" between what constitutes an A and what doesn't, when it's emotional. <p>So, I guess my advice is that you should only "pry" if you really think you need to know details. Eventually, if you're both in recovery, it will be easier to get even the details without LBing each other in the process. For NOW, though, your W should be willing to completely cut off all communication with her OM, even if that means changing jobs. She won't like that, very likely, but if she cares about your M and truly realizes that what she's done is wrong, she will be willing to make extraordinary efforts to allay your fears that the A might continue.<p>Good luck to you,

k-
I am an ex WS who had an EA. My W and I are having a great recovery. Right now things are crazy in your life. I am betting emotions are very high and it's hard for the both of you to think clearly. Your W could very well be telling you the truth about not having sex with the OM. Maybe she is just doing what she think is damage control? If she is having an A with him, does it matter if she did or didn't sleep with him? The point is, she is having an A. She is however opening up to you which is a good start! Once she takes full responsibility for HER actions she will do so even more. <p>When I say “full responsibility” I mean for her A. I have yet to hear a case her at MB where the WS was the only one at fault for their marital problems. You both need to work on your relationship and figure out where things went wrong. You need the truth right now and she needs to know your not going to give up on her if she gives it to you. I say this because I am guessing your here at MB to save your marriage. <p>You need answers to help you heal, make sure that she knows that's why your are asking for it, not to hang her. Explain to her that the thoughts about what they did together are eating you up. Tell her if you know the truth about what they did together you won’t have to guess. Also remind her that lies will only make it worse because once you find out about them (and you always will) it will only make it worse.<p>She needs you to forgive her. I mean truly and honestly forgive her. I don’t mean right this very min. I mean you need to work this out in your head and find a way to do so. Look at things from her point of view and have her do the same for you. Trust me on this one, it helps.<p>Have you read “Surviving an Affair”? It helped save my marriage. I also suggest you seek MC and IC. It will help you deal with all this. Below I have listed a few things that helped my wife and I get though the hardest time of our lives. <p>Always keep your cool. If you feel like things are going south explain to your S that you need some time to cool off. Getting crazy mad and pi$$ed will help nothing. Go take a break from the issue at hand but always remember to come back to it. <p>Come to an agreement, NO contact with OM! Explain to her you why and how. She needs to agree to this before any healing can take place. <p>EN learn what they are. Meeting each others EN will make the biggest difference! Not only will it help your marriage to recover it will help to build an even stronger one!!!<p>Come here to vent.
Read Dr Haleys books.
Check out the Whole MB site.
Counseling! It does help!<p>Good luck and I will keep an eye out for your posts. Ask me anything you wish I will answer honestly.

Hi K<p>I'm sory that I didn't respond to your last posting on your other string.<p>You wrote: "My W says they did not have sex, but I am having a hard time believing her. I want the truth so that I can move on." In your last postings you made it sound as though you wanted to work on M regardless of EA or PA. Has something changed? <p>Your in the stage right now where you are very anxious and you still want to know everything. Easier said than done but try to relax. Find something to relieve the stress, exercise, hobby, whatever. I know how you feel I was there not too long ago. I was jumpy. Every conversation w/ W was a R talk which started to run the risk of driving her away not towards me.<p>How is your Plan A coming? Give us specifics on what you've done to create change in R. Are you meeting all of W's EN? Are you LBing?

K-
How are you doing?????

I am not doing very well. She keeps lying to me about the most trivial details of A. She says that she lies to me because she is afraid of my reaction. All I want ot know is the extent of the A and her level of emotional involvement. I need to know because she works with this man, if the A was physical she would have to leave her job in order to achieve no contact. I cannot believe anything she is telling me. I refuse to try to rebuild our marriage if we cannot build it upon honesty. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?

She neds to leave her job if it is just an EA, too, IMO. If she is lying about it, it is probably more than an EA, anyway.<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</p>

I would suggest asking her to read "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com and it may help her to see why she needs to answer ALL of your questions honestly. Also the book Torn Asunder. Right now she's not only being disrespectful, but she's hurting her chances of you trusting her again.<p>It doesn't matter if it's physical, many marriages have been ruined due to EAs. My H's started that way, they often lead to PAs anyway. That's what happened with him. The emotional attachment is strong for a long time, and it turns physical.<p>I hope she will see that working with him daily will NOT work if she wants her marriage. Is he married?

K<p>If she is lying to you about the most trivial aspects of the affair because she is afraid of hurting you then the chances are pretty great that the affair was physical and I think you know this. She needs to find another job immediately and stop contact. I think she knows this and thus does not want you to know the entire truth. The sad part is the fact that she said she could not tell you the truth for fear of hurting you. The message she sends to you is that now you will never believe anything she ever says to you. I am sorry for your pain.

K-
I agree that she needs to read Shattered Vows. I had shown my wife several articles from this site but it wasn't until she read SV's that she started to understand the hurt as well as the need to get all the facts on the table asap. She needs to understand that the "drips and drabs" method just prolongs the beginning of recovery and in some cases makes it impossible.