Why is it that I (the betrayed spouse) seem to have to do all the work to "fix" this relationship or at least keep it going? It just doesn't seem right to me and I'm so tired of it. My H is the one who had the A, shouldn't he be trying to make things right? All he does is sit back and say "you know where I am if you need me". I need him to show he cares enough to come to me when I'm feeling sad and hurt. Afterall, he's the one who caused all my pain. He just doesn't see that. And I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The pain seems to get worse every day lately, not better. I have an unborn child to worry about as well as myself and I just don't know if I can handle this any more. I seriously thought about ending it all last night and that scares me to death. It just seems sometimes that it would be so much easier and it wouldn't hurt anymore. Does the hurting ever end? <p>HRO

heartrippedout, Does your husband know how you feel? Have you been open with him about how much you are hurting? You have to let him know that you need to feel that he is working just as hard as you are to rebuild your marriage. You didn't say if you were in MC together, if not you should look into it. I felt the same way as you before my h and I started MC, he was in such a fog he wasn't sure if he was coming or going. It wasn't until we began MC that he too started to work on our marriage. I understand the pain you are feeling right now, I too felt that ending my life to stop the pain was the answer. I'm so happy now that I didn't let my depression get the best of me. If your h will not go with you to see a MC, go on your own. You need someone who you can talk to and count on when you get really down. My prayers are with you, be strong for your baby and for yourself. Remember this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, nobody has a right to hurt you this way. God only gives us what we can handle, I know now that is hard to believe but no matter what happens this will make you a stonger person.

I can relate. It does seem very one-sided and unfair, much of the time. I am also pregnant so can't take medication to deal with my H's affair with my former best friend. It's double the hurt and betrayal as I loved them both very much. He lied about it for 6 years, they both said it was EA only and I just found out the truth last summer. It's been awful.<p>If you haven't read "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com and the book Torn Asunder, I strongly recommend them. They helped my H to see that he HAS to feel my hurt, rage, anger, sadness, etc. and that I can't hide it. I also have to have all of my questions answered honestly in order to heal. <p>Don't expect him to guess how you're feeling. My H often doesn't have a clue. I found out that it worked better for me to write my questions down and he answered in writing. He found that less threatening. I also ask him in advance if I want to talk about it (usually) and he feels more prepared to discuss it.<p>I am sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself, you have a precious life to think about. I know how hard it is. There are days I am ready to give up. But God never gives up on us! God Bless

My H does know how I feel. All I seem to be doing is writing letters to him because he has trouble expressing himself through conversation. Letters don't help either though. I write them, he reads them and then that's it. He doesn't even comment on them least of all reply to them. I just don't know what else I can do.<p>We have both been to see a counsellor on our own and tomorrow is our first visit together. Hopefully that will help but if it doesn't then I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I'm putting in so much effort but going nowhere. I need some input from him but I don't know how to get that. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. This is where we were before A started. I knew there was a problem but didn't know what and H chose not to talk about it even though I asked him repeatedly to. It seems he had a different way to "solve" things. I just keep thinking that if he had only talked to me back then when I asked, then we wouldn't be where we are now. And nothing's changed, he still won't talk to me. I feel so alone and frustrated. I can't make him talk to me but if he doesn't then I don't see there's any hope for us. His philosophy is that if things aren't getting any worse then everything is okay. I don't want to stay here forever. I need to move through this pain and horrific hurt and get on with things.<p>I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I will end up pushing him away. I find myself saying things just to get a reaction (any reaction) and even that doesn't work.<p>HRO

This is really hard for meto write, because I am personally not in a place where it's real for me yet. I have known about my H's EA for 2 months, but just found out about the pysical part last week. My faith tells me, and somewhere in my heart I know that "all things work together for good". Right now I feel there is nothing good at all, in any part of my life. But I also know that if my H is really sincere, (and he seems to be) that hard work and dedication will give us a marriage so much better than what we would have had if we had continued on the same path we were on- the average American marriage. I was better than that, always have. Such a severe jolt brings a person back to reality right away. Liek I said, I am not there yet, but it is where I hope to go. If there's anyone out there who can point those of us who are really struggling with these things in the right direction, please do so. I want to get past the anger, resentment, and pain, and move ahead to make an awesome marriage, I just don't know how to get there.
I hope this helps. I hope somebody else can help us both!

One other thing...
No, it doesn't seem fair that we have to be the ones to do the work. I struggled with that right away when I was reading Harley's book. I still do. But if you read back in the infidelity seciton of the web site, he does talk about the wayward spouse compensating for what they have done. Another thing I've asked my husband to do is in the last MB newsletter- write up a plan- how he will deal with temptation in the future, and how to prevent more affairs.
I think that Harley's wanting us to focus on restoration, and becoming the wives/mothers/christians we're suppose to be. Once again, this is all just head knowledge. It's not real for me yet. I'm still in the shock phase. I'd like to know how long this is suppose to last? What's typical?
Anyway...Try with me, to put your trust in the Lord, because He will never betray you. He allows trials to strengthen us. Hard to swallow right now, I know. I believe things will get better, I just would like to know when....