I had sex with my husband's best friend a month ago. Then it happened again a couple weeks later. He knew about both occasions, and in fact was outside listening to us both times. (I still can't understand why he didn't stop us.) He only just revealed that he knew a couple of days ago.
Now we are separated, at his request. We are living in the same home but in different bedrooms and so far the ground rules are that we don't have to tell each other where we are or what we are doing. Also, we will still participate in family and some friend activities to maintain appearances for now. He says he wants to be separated for one year for the legality of getting a divorce, and that he's made up his mind and doesn't want to reconcile.<p>I want to reconcile. I love him, he still loves me, we haven't been mean to each other over this, and I have pretty much cut off contact with my "lover". However, he and I work in the same building, and due to the cyclical nature of our jobs, we cannot find new jobs for at least one year (unless we want to suffer unemployment). I do not talk to or see him unless I must because work requires it. No one at work knows what happened, and I want to keep it that way.<p>My big question is: How can I get my husband to consider reconcilliation, beyond my simply asking him, being completely honest with him about everything, cutting off contact with my "lover", and asking my husband to read all the articles about infidelity on this website?

I don't know what to say. My H also had an affair with my former best friend. I can't think of any words strong enough to describe the pain of that double betrayal. You must realize that not only did you hurt him immensely, but so did his 'best' friend. How incredibly selfish that feels from our viewpoint. <p>I was able to eventually take my H back because he did the following:
-stopped all contact, including getting her another job as she was his employee
-went to both individual and marriage counseling
-we had a 9 mos separation which saved me from seeing him mope around about her
-he always told me if he saw her before I had to ask which built trust
-he prayed
-he read everything I asked him to. Especially helpful was 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and the book Torn Asunder
-he answered my questions (but not at first. They both lied and said it was emotional only, I found out the truth 6 years later. That was terrible and I'm still working thru that)<p>I don't know what your H is feeling. He may change his mind. Remember trust has to be BUILT and EARNED. You have taken something away from him that you can never give back, and so has his friend.<p>I'm interested to know what has happened between him and the 'friend?' My friendship was never resolved, she lied and never apologized. It was awful and it makes me sad even years later.<p>I hope you can work things out.<p>Also, do the emotional needs questionaire and determine which need of yours this other man was fulfilling.<p>If you don't do the hard work associated with this, you will bring these same problems into future relationships if you don't stay married. My H's lover cheated on her first husband with her second husband and with my H on her second husband, who was my h's best friend.<p>Sad stuff

Maggierose: Thank-you for your reply. I look at the steps you took as a recipe for us. Although I don't foresee needing 9 mos apart. I can (or so I think)live without my "lover". It's my husband who's going to have trouble living without his best friend. Right now they aren't talking. The best friend wants to have one conversation with my H to apologize and say goodbye. I assume they can't continue their friendship if I can't see him ever. I wonder if I assume right.
Also, I will try the emotional needs questionnaire.
Way to go on saving your marriage. You are an amazing wife and a good person to have forgiven your husband. I hope it continues to be a happy fulfilling marriage for you both.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maggierose:
<strong>I don't know what to say. My H also had an affair with my former best friend. I can't think of any words strong enough to describe the pain of that double betrayal. You must realize that not only did you hurt him immensely, but so did his 'best' friend. How incredibly selfish that feels from our viewpoint. <p>I was able to eventually take my H back because he did the following:
-stopped all contact, including getting her another job as she was his employee
-went to both individual and marriage counseling
-we had a 9 mos separation which saved me from seeing him mope around about her
-he always told me if he saw her before I had to ask which built trust
-he prayed
-he read everything I asked him to. Especially helpful was 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and the book Torn Asunder
-he answered my questions (but not at first. They both lied and said it was emotional only, I found out the truth 6 years later. That was terrible and I'm still working thru that)<p>I don't know what your H is feeling. He may change his mind. Remember trust has to be BUILT and EARNED. You have taken something away from him that you can never give back, and so has his friend.<p>I'm interested to know what has happened between him and the 'friend?' My friendship was never resolved, she lied and never apologized. It was awful and it makes me sad even years later.<p>I hope you can work things out.<p>Also, do the emotional needs questionaire and determine which need of yours this other man was fulfilling.<p>If you don't do the hard work associated with this, you will bring these same problems into future relationships if you don't stay married. My H's lover cheated on her first husband with her second husband and with my H on her second husband, who was my h's best friend.<p>Sad stuff</strong><hr></blockquote>

Hi Jen Brown:<p>One of the things that a lot of wayward spouses often do is try to sweep under the rug the affair without understanding what were the factors or unfulfilled needs that led to it becoming a reality.<p>In your case, what were those factors or unfulfilled needs that the OM readily satisfied for you that your H could not or would not satisfy for you? If you can identify them then there is the very good chance for you of setting boundaries that will make it unlikely of having another affair but failure to identify them will more than likely mean another one in the future.<p>I recomend that you read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''Love busters''His needs Her needs'. They will educate you in what makes or breaks relationships and give you a game plan to make your present relationship better. <p>Would the loss of your job severely criple your family's budget? or just simply make things a bit tight? Because if the answer is the first one then your H would probably understand why you need to continue in the same job where you would be in contact with OM. But if it's the latter, then I'm affraid that it's going to be very difficult for you to convince your H that you love him and want to reconcile.<p>Please try to realize that your infidelity is only a month old and even though he's been aware of it for that long, it is very early for you to try to push him towards reconciliation. Your desire to reconcile,put the affair behind you and regain a semblance of normalcy is very common with remorseful wayward spouses, but unfortunately you can't even begin to understand - unless your husband has done the same thing to you in the past - the magnitude of the damage caused by your betrayal and the amount of work that will be needed by both of you in order to repair the marriage. It is safe to say that both of you need counseling, individually and jointly, in order to heal yourselves and hopefully your marriage as well. <p>There are people here that will take you to task for your affair and while their words may be hurtful, they are trying to make you realize the seriousness of the situation IF you are one of those wayward spouses that want to have her husband and lover at the same time. We call these wayward spouses cake eaters and they are so addicted to their affairs that they are in what we call 'the fog' because their minds and hearts are blinded to the reality around them.<p>Good luck and keep on posting.<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

I have great empathy for your husband. For the life of me I cannot understand how a spouse can say they love their husband and then decide to have sex with his best friend. It is such an enormous double betrayal. Here he has a wife that would have sex with another man breaking the marriage vows and then deciding to do it with his best friend. I would think that you must have had such great anger toward your husband to disrespect and humiliate him this way.
Didn't you realize the damage you were going to do to him and why did you have to select his best friend? Surely you must have known what the consequences would be. My guess the reason he did nothing when he heard you having sex with his best friend outside the house was that he was so humiliated, disgusted and totally embarrassed for the both of you that he was virtually in shock.<p>I am sure when you tell him you love him it must sound so hollow to him. You say he has not been mean to you about this. I do not think that you have a clue as to the enormous pain he is in right now. He is trying to be a gentleman to you and is suffering inside. His actions indicate that this double betrayal is so great that he needs to move away from you and pursue a divorce.<p>Do you wish to stay with your husband because you really love him or is it for the security of being in a marriage. Do you show great remorse to your husband or do you simply wish to bury it under a rug. Have you discussed why you engaged in such a horrendous act? How do you think you would be coping if the roles had been reversed?<p>My guess is that the only hope you have is for both of you to agree to intensive marriage counseling to understand your behavior and learn how to overcome this and salvage your marriage. I would strongly suggest that your husband get into immediate individual therapy. A man that is outside knowing his wife is getting screwed by his best friend is going to be psychologically damaged for the rest of his life. In short, therapy and counseling is your only hope. On the other hand I really do not know too many men who would wish to stay in a marriage after what he has gone through. What were you thinking?

Have you thought about some form of reparation? Nothing you could do could make up for this horrible thing you have done,but it may show him you are serious.
When I found out about my H affair it was on a trip I had planned to the mountains. I had rented a cabin for 160$ night.
When we came home he sold some of his collectables to pay for the trip and then he sold his truck and got a less expensive vehicle so I would have to work less and we could spend more time together.'
While this in no way decreased my pain, it showed that he really wanted to work on recovery.
Maybe giving up your job would be the sacrifice.
You know what "things" mean the most to you, what would you be willing to give up to show that you are serious about working on this?<p> Something else you need to think of is why you did this in the first place. Then confess to your husband your weakness and a plan to fix it. Give him a reason to believe you wont do this again.
L

Not only did you have an affair but you had it with your husbands best friend. One time would of been bad enough but you went back for more Damn.
I'll be honest with you my X did the same thing and although we tried to reconcile I never forgave her for that and eventually we got divorced. You have to somehow truely convince your husband that you are truely sorry for what you did and somehow convince him that it would never happen again. Then and only then will your husband attempt to reconcile. If he has any doubt in his mind about your honesty I'm sorry to tell you it will never work.
I'm sorry for your pain but beleave me the pain on the other side is much greater.
Good luck

So you saved your marriage? And your H still works with the OW (and you can handle this)? How serious was his affair? How did you find it in you to forgive him? What was necessary to help you do so?<p>I'm not willing to give up my job. I have a contractual job that if I quit it, I would have to start at the bottom of the ladder and restart a 3 year process of finding a permanent contract. My husband doesn't want me to quit actually.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sadprincess:
<strong>Have you thought about some form of reparation? Nothing you could do could make up for this horrible thing you have done,but it may show him you are serious.
When I found out about my H affair it was on a trip I had planned to the mountains. I had rented a cabin for 160$ night.
When we came home he sold some of his collectables to pay for the trip and then he sold his truck and got a less expensive vehicle so I would have to work less and we could spend more time together.'
While this in no way decreased my pain, it showed that he really wanted to work on recovery.
Maybe giving up your job would be the sacrifice.
You know what "things" mean the most to you, what would you be willing to give up to show that you are serious about working on this?<p> Something else you need to think of is why you did this in the first place. Then confess to your husband your weakness and a plan to fix it. Give him a reason to believe you wont do this again.
L</strong><hr></blockquote>

Jenn,
Toomuchcoffee hit it right on the head. What did the OM who was your H's best friend give you that your H hadn't been able to? Until you answer this question you are liable to repeat with this OM or another.<p>If your H will listen try to sit down w/ him and discuss the EN's as a way to save your M. Don't preach the MB philosophy, however.<p>Trust is earned slowly and taken away quickly. It will take along time to earn it again. Above Maggierose has described a number of ways to earn it back. I would suggest that you agree to No Contact w/ the OM and put it in a letter. Let your H read it and send it to the OM. Because it was your H's best friend your H may decide to send this guy his own NC letter. I would also suggest that you write your H a letter of confession. Tell him how you feel about his pain. Ask for his forgiveness. He may or may not give it. It's his choice.<p>Good luck.

Okay, one odd new development. Yesteray when I offered to cut myself off from the OM, my H said he doesn't want me to cut off contact, mostly for fear that the people we (me and the OM) work with might notice and get to talking. Also, my H said he is even considering renewing his friendship with his best friend after some time has passed and if they can both agree never to discuss what happened between us. Now I'm wondering if he isn't testing me and playing head games.......<p>I'm still limiting my contact with the OM to necessary contact because of work. Besides, I am beginning to feel a lot of anger towards the OM because he initiated things. In a way this anger is helpful!

I agree with you. My guess is that your husband is playing head games and showing his great anger toward you. His mindset is to emotionally get back at you. You chose his best friend to have sex with so he tells you that you do not have to stop contact with OM because in the future he wishes to be friends with him after he leaves you. I think he is saying see how it feels that I choose to be freinds with OM over you. It also sounds like he has given up.<p>On another note I have picked up something from you in that it does not sound like you have taken full responsibility for the affair and are blaming it somewhat on others. First, you made the comment that you did not understand why your husband did not stop you and the OM when he heard you having sex with him outside the house.
The implication is that this is somewhat your husband's fault. Second, is your recent comment that you are showing anger toward the OM because he initiated it implying it was his fault although all you had to say is no. It just sounds like you are looking to place the blame on others rather than yourself.

I beleive that this may just be talk on his part since I find it hard to imagine that he can just calmly resume his friendship with OM because his presence will always be a trigger of the things he saw and heard when you and him where having sex. His resentment and anger towards him will make a renewal of their friendship highly more improbable than a marital reconciliation with you.<p>What you should be more concerned is that your betrayal has demolished your H's self esteem to the point that he is more vulnerable in becoming involved in an affair of his own. If this happens then your chances of having your H work on the marital reconciliation, take a steep nosedive. And unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it because he MAY now feel that since you've broken your vows that he is now free of his own vows to you.<p>While there is no guarantee that applying the MB principles will save your marriage, they do prepare you to become a much stronger and better person regardles of what happens to your marriage. But be prepared for a long and hard journey if you do decide that you want to save your marriage.<p>Sorry for the pessimistic outlook, I really do pray that you and your H love each other enough to try to rebuild the marriage into a stronger and better one that will bring both of you happiness in the years to come. Both of you need lots of counseling with a professional in order to heal and rebuild the marriage.<p>Good luck and keep posting your updates.<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Jen,
If you are really interested in my story you are welcome to look it up under my user #.
Yes we are recovering, it was not easy. I have forgiven a human mistake my husband made. The A lasted 2 months, they were "in love".
What did he do to save the marriage:
He sent a no contact letter (she was transfered away for 6 mos. but it was a temporary thing)
He showed remorse
He worked on the emotional need stuff
And all the rest of the stuff everyone on here says.
You say you are not willing to give up your job, what are you willing to do to save your marriage?
I am getting an odd picture of your marriage,maybe you could clarify. What was your relationship like before? How long have you been together? <p>Have you read the basic Harley stuff?

I'm not willing to give up my job. <p>Then you have decided that at job is more important than saving your marriage. Period.<p>I have a contractual job that if I quit it, I would have to start at the bottom of the ladder and restart a 3 year process of finding a permanent contract.<p>All irrelevant. Either your job is more important or your H and marriage is.<p>My husband doesn't want me to quit actually.<p>He may communicate such to for no other reason than he does not want to force an ultimatum. I was not strong enough, for a long time, to tell my wife that she needed to find a new job. I felt it was unfair of me to ask such. In the end, It is fair that I ask her to do whatever it takes to help us recover from her betrayal. I have to be willing to give up the same (friends, job, house). Nothing is more important to either of us at this point.<p>Perhaps he does not want to reconcile because he does not see your willingness to sacrifice all else to save it.

I had sex with my husband's best friend a month ago. <p>And you did this because?????<p>I have not seen anyone ask this question, and I am a bit surprised. What were the factors that lead to your decision to do this? I see you are starting to blame the OM but you really should not even start the blame game. It does not matter how much he came onto you, it was you who decided to go through with it.<p>Why did it happen?

He is not going to agree to reconcile unless you can convince him by your actions that you will do anything to save your marriage. The fact that you did not confess after your sexual encounters he came to the conclusion that you would have probably continued your affair. He has lost trust and respect for you. HOwever,you have a year to show him that you are sincere. What might convince him that you are remorseful is to give up something that you treasure. For example, job or career.. Just my opinion.

Double ditto to Mr. Bunky's replies.<p>Your marriage can be recovered if you both have the right mind set, IMHO.<p>But I worry that neither of you do.<p>You're not willing to give up your job and he's not astute enough to give up his friend.<p>Reminds me of the country song, "My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him."<p>Seriously, I believe you both need to get your priorities sorted out. Right now, your marriage is not on the top of the list. For recovery to take place, your marriage has to be on the top of the list - unless you have children. Then it's second, but higher than 1st without children.

Jen Brown:<p>A lot of the stuff we're telling you is solely based on the facts you've presented. But I suspect that there may be more to your story. For starters, your relationship with your H prior to your affair is something that you have yet to tell us. He is human and very likely has contributed with plenty of problems to the marriage which in turn may have helped create the environment that made your affair possible. Sure your affair with his best friend has made you out to be the bad guy, but even the bad guy has his side of the story. What is your side of the story Jen Brown?

Jen Brown:<p>Please consider that your H is like a wounded animal at this point in time. And just like a wounded animal, he will lash out to you with hurtful words that he may not mean, so don't take them too personal. If he really loves you then he will not want to loose you. Be patient, remember that if the situation was reversed you too would probably do the things that he has done since d-day.

WELL WHAT ADVICE I COULD POSSIBLY GIVE IS THE FACT THAT MY WIFE HAD A TWO YEAR AFFAIR WITH MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD,WORST OF ALL MY SISTER WAS INVOLVED IN ASSISTING THIS AFFAIR,A TRIPLE BLOW TO THE HEART,WORST OF ALL WHEN I FOUND OUT MY PAL STARTED WITH THREATENING PHONE CALLS TO ME,AND SHOWING UP TO MY JOB WITH A GUN,THIS WAS SIX MONTHS AGO,AND MY PAIN IS SO SEVERE THAT I CAN HARDLY BREATH.MY WIFE DID EVERYTHING SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO AS PER OUR MANUAL.TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND ALL I HAVE IS A CONSTANT VISUAL,AND RESENTMENT,BUT I KNOW I TRULY LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND I WISH I MET ALL HER NEEDS LIKE I DID IN THE PAST,BELEIVE ME YOU DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS KIND OF PAIN.YOUR HUSBAND IS ON AN UNCONTROLLABLE ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS,HE NEEDS TIME TO HEAL,AND BELIEVE ME ALL HE CAN THINK OF, ABOUT HIS FRIEND IS HOW BADLY THAT MAN CAN SUFFER FOR HIS BETRAYAL.YOUR HUSBAND IS FEELING YOU OUT AND WHERE YOUR HEAD IS AT.IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM YOU NEED TO SEVERE ALL TIES NO MATTER WHAT,GIVE HIM ALL THE AFFECTION YOU CAN POSSIBLY GIVE,AND REMEMBER ANYTHING HE SAYS HURTFUL TO YOU IS OUT OF HIS INABILLITY TO CONTROL HIS HURT,I WISH YOU THE BEST,I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE DONE THIS,AND I PASS NO JUDGEMENT AT YOU ,ALL I CAN SAY IS TIME.........