I spend most of my time reading the posts and trying to figure out what to do and decided I needed to tell my full story and get some advice as I don't know what to do. I have been married for over 15 years-together for over 17. My husband was in a terrible accident over 2 years ago and broke his neck. He has never been the same. In fact he keeps saying, maybe he's changed. I just think he's suffering from major depression. We have had a really great marriage. People were always envious of our relationship. We started to have minor problems over the past 1 1/2 years due to his depression that he is just now starting to deal with. About a year ago he started withdrawing from me because he was having sexual problems. I tried to get him to go to the doctor but he wouldn't go. He continued to pull away from me and went deeper and deeper into depression. He started drinking more and more.<p>9 months ago he told me that he didn't feel appreciated (he had been working alot of overtime-I was dealing with a 7 year old failing business and feeling like a failure and didn't get much support from him). I tried to do whatever I could to show him how important he is to me. Nothing changed. Then 2 months ago I discovered that he has been secretly talking with an old friend from high school. I know that it has been going on for the past 10 months-could of been as long as 14 months. Of course he was very angry and protective of the situation and totally lied to me about who she was-in fact he has become quite the liar-even about little things. He lies to his friends too! He claims that they are only friends and nothing more. Swears up and down that he has not broken his vows. Once I found out about this friend, he started saying that he needed space, wanted to be alone-didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore-to anyone. Says he still loves me and will always love me and will always have feelings for me and be a part of my life. <p>He decided that he wanted to stay with a friend on the days he doesn't work and stay at home on work days. I told him no way. He needed to stay at home full time or leave. Well he went to stay with a friend (who is separated from his wife) full time, coming home to take our daughters to school and claiming that he wanted to be there for them. Well, over the past 2-3 weeks, he slowly has started staying at the house again on work days (he works night shift and sleeps during the day-I'm at work across town) and still leaves on his days off. I also found out that this friend is separated from her husband (not sure how long-I've gotten conflicting stories) and has moved into the apartment complex where he's staying. He said to me "I know this looks bad. Nothings going on. She has 3 kids. I only see her in passing". I don't believe him. He has continued to have sexual problems so I don't know if he has been "with her" although he says he has not. He told a friend that he is not attracted to anyone right now-he has no feelings. He also told his friend that he wants us to go to marriage counseling but has said nothing to me. So, what this is coming down to now is should I tell him that he needs to stay at home full time and work on the marriage or leave full time (which means that we would make arrangements for visitation with our D's and he would have to pack his stuff. You see, right now he only takes a small bag with some clothes when he leaves. He has never taken his toothbrush or brush.)<p>His friends tell me that they think he has become dependent on alcohol and that he's acting very weird. They are very concerned about his behavior. They have told him that he's stupid for throwing away our marriage and family. He knows they are right but doesn't care right now. He says he doesn't know what's going to happen in the future.<p>His friends and my friends say to kick him out-stop letting him have his cake and eat it too. Push him out of his comfort zone. I don't know what to do. I'm scared! I love this man dearly and know that this is caused by depression/drinking and he needs help. But he has hurt me so much and our D's. They are very angry at him. He doesn't think this is affecting them. But it is! We have been together since I was 19 and I am very afraid to be on my own, eventhough I am a very strong person. Can anyone offer me some good advice? I would really appreciate it!!

dear confused and emotional-welcome to marriage builders. sorry you have to be here. it sounds as if he is having an affair-definately an ea, anytime you go outside your marriage it is considered an affair. i dont know if i can offer you any advice-my wh never left, so i dont know what to do about that.<p>you said you have been reading here-have you read saa or hnhn? you should. read all and learn, it helps. im sur i can get you more help hang in-i will post something on gqII for you. sit tight.

Hi C&E, <p>Welcome to MB. I have read your story and am sorry you have to come here. Most of your hunches may be right on. Your H has given you the standard WS (wayward spouse) babble and even your children and friends see it.
So you are not crazy. <p>If you can, please take a look at the concepts section at the top of this page. It will acqaint you with the basic information offered here at MB. <p>Then you will learn about some helpful books and even phone counseling services. Right now though this info will be to help you. Your H is out there being stupid and unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about him. You can however, learn your rights (financial, legal, etc.) and strenghten yourself and establish your personal support groups (children, family, neighbors, workmates, school etc.). <p>Are your H and OW planning stuff behind your back? Maybe. Don't speculate. It is dangerous and very draining. Proof will come your way. This OW can't be that great for him if others are noticing his demise. It will hurt you to watch though and this is where you could be vulnerable. <p>Read up on what plan A vs plan B means. Please let us know if you have any questions. <p>Please understand this is a place to share and exchange ideas. No guarantees here. It is just that many of us have been through similar but it is always painful. There are various types and stages of recovery and this is a good place to learn about it. <p>Take care,

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it. This is a really bad place to be. Never thought it would happen to me. I'm sure everyone says that! I am still stuck with what I should do about telling him to leave. It's so hard to do. Part of me is very angry and wants him out and the other loves him so much and wants him to stay. I truly believe that he is in a bad place and would never intentionally do anything like this to me. He still initiates kissing and hugging me whenever he leaves the house or I do. So it's very confusing. I can't understand and he says he is hurting and can't understand either. I guess the best thing to do is take it day by day and see how I feel and how he acts? This is the hardest thing I have ever been through!

I think your H is in a huge mid-life crisis right now. And he very well may be having an affair or at least an emotional affair which can quickly turn into a physical one. My H was in a similar situation last year. He kept saying our marriage was 'hopeless'.That he was unappreciated, etc! He ended up in a very entangled affair with a single coworker who made me sound old and awful and their 'talks' eventually turned into a full blast A and he even filed for divorce on me at her urging.The fact that your H wants to live somewhere else part of the time shows his ambivalence and wanting to escape rather than starting the real work necessary to improve your marriage with counseling. He is not showing your marriage or you respect by living the single life and married life at the same time. My H did this- moved out to 'think' telling me he was staying with friends but it turned out he was really staying in OW's condo for 6 wks! Yet he came home most nights for dinner and pretended to live the 'familiy life' with our 3 kids yet was cold and detached from me emotionally. It was VERY confusing for all of us! I suggest you read read read! Start with Harley's book - Surviving an Affair- it talks about how they get started and the usual progression of them and what to do if you are the betrayed spouse. Read James Dobson's book Love Must be Tough and Men in Mid-life Crisis by Jim Conway. All those are very applicable for you right now and will help you figure out what is really going on and what to do about it.( buy them slighly used on Amazon or Half.com to save money!) Take care- there IS hope for your marriage recovery. My story has had a good ending despite where we were last year. Our marriage is slowly getting stronger in the broken spots and we are still in counseling a year and a half after H filed for D on me. lifeismessy