Hi,
This site was a Godsend for me. I found it recently after surviving a year from Hell!!!
In May of last year my wife went to spend a month on a farm about one hour from where we lived. She had the time off and I encouraged her to go. Why I did that I do not know? May be I was not too happy either having her around. Anyways she met a man there that in her mind was meeting all her needs, needs that she had been repressing in her seven years with me. I thought our marriage was perfect at the time. I didn't see anything wrong with her being away and I have never been jealous of her man friends. In September she told me she was in love with him. It had soley been an emotional thing till then. In October she went to stay with him and the physical started. She tried to fight her urges to be with him, she really did, but finally they won her over. I was lost and did not know what to do. I wish I had found this site earlier. In November she called me and said she loved me and wanted to come home. In December we were together again at her parent's home. She stayed with them through February. In February she returned to the other man but said she was going to finish it off, but she was not able to tell him through the whole month. I told her that on March 7th she needed to come home. On March 6th she told him she was returning to me and he almost tried to kill himself. She felt sorry for him and stayed. She begged and pleaded for me to let her stay till April 20th. I agreed (idiot). In April she came home and we had a wonderful time together (no love making) but we were able to really enjoy each other's company. She then returned to him to get her stuff. She packed everything up and was going to leave him with a letter and drive off before he arrived from work but she was feeling sick and feverish so she had to stay one more night. She unpacked her belongings and stayed one more night. The next morning she went to a clinic and discovered she was pregnant. In her state of shock and disbelief she quickly left his house without packing and drove home to me (20 hour drive). I was happy to see her when she arrived. We sat together on the couch. She cried and told me the truth. I wasn't upset at first. I was actually excited. Wow, I am going to be a daddy! Later, I thought, wait a minute, what if my parents found out, they are already extremely pissed off at my wife. Can I raise another man's child? Will I feel this resentment for the rest of my life? The next day things got bad and the other man arrived on our door step banging on the door saying I want my baby. Yes, he found out she was pregnant. We talked and my wife told him that she wants me to be father and wants him to give her space etc. . . He agreed but wants to be able to visit the child sometime in the future. My wife is now at her father's going to therapy and I am alone again. She is feeling withdrawal from the other guy and is still unsure about me. I believe she feels resentment and fear about returning to me thinking she will be unhappy again with a man that was unable to meet her needs. I am not sure what to do. Do I want to be with her because I love her or do I want to be with her because I am scared of starting new, scared of being lonely? Being with her now will entail a major responsibility, raising a child that is not mine? Her parents know everything and are extremely happy and grateful that I am willing to take on this responsibility? My parents don't even know that an affair happenend but know that we did separate and were having problems. My father is extremely angry at her, but is willing to open his heart again to having her in the family. However, they do not know about the baby. They also do not need to know. Basically I am in a big mess and I need your help.

tofu,
I am a man who ha been raising twins from Birth for three years by an OM. I wish I could say that things are all rosy, but last January my W asked, no told me that we are getting a divorce. I totally understand what your feelings are right now. the only Advice I can offer is my personal experience. The OM in my case is not in the picture by my insistance. You probabbly have a ton of things spinning through your head. I recomend you taking it slow. Be sure of your feelings before you make any rash descsions or commitments. I thought about how i got here today and sometimes wish I would have chosen another path. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have. God bless

Hi Tofu,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. <p>You have come here and given your story. I am sorry you have such a big situation to deal with but you are definitely not alone. I encourage you to read the information under the concepts section here and also read some of the posts on the preg/child site. <p>Please seek out a professional MC one that specializes or has experience in dealing with OC (other children). Steve and Jennifer offer phone counseling sessions also. They are both very good. <p>You sound like you have a clear mind and good support. You will now need a calm heart. <p>There are more posters here that can lend better support and experience. Let's get your story out there for them to read. Please post your story on the preg/child site also. <p>If you need help, let me know. <p>Take care,

Thanks for the support.
I will be seeing a therapist next week and hopefully my wife and I will be together in about two weeks and we will see a counselor together.
Reading MB is helping. I have gotten over the major hurdles of anger and depression way back in September. Had the pregnancy not occured I could see us two doing very well together right now but the baby has complicated the issue especially since the other man is interested in being somewhat a part of the child's life. However, I hope that in time he will lose interest knowing that my wife is no longer interested in him. (if she truly is)

As Orchid said...
...do go to the Pregnancy/Child forum! There is a wealth of experience there.<p>I personally feel that if you and your W are willing to accept this child...
...it requires that the OM give up his parental rights...
...and some legal advice should be sought regarding this!<p>If he(OM) is not willing to give up his rights...
...then the alternative of adoption should be looked into.
Difficult... you bet!<p>But having the OM constantly interferring in the rebuilding process of your marriage... will make life for you... your W... and the child... even more difficult.<p>You have my prayers...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSr

Tofu<p>You life will be a living hell with the OM in the picture all the time with this baby. Adopt it out or abort. I personally could not accept another man's child in my home without support $$ for one and without a clear separation from the OM's involvement. It sounds like he wants to be involved so I agree with NSR, keeping the baby would be a disaster for your marriage. No matter how you opt out of it, you can't keep it there, IMHO.

Thanks for your help everyone. I have been writing in preg/child too and they have been a big help as well.
OM is willing to give up parental rights but my wife is still in the fog bigtime. And OM is still very much attached to my wife and does not really want to concede but has accepted because that is what my wife asked for, however, since this occurred about two weeks ago, my wife has been suffering major withdrawal symptoms and now is starting to believe this is all wrong. The baby should be with its real father blah, blah. Abortion is out of the question and for me the only way is to lie about the father. Either I am the father on the birth certificate or this will not work. I talked to her tonight and realized that she is still in the fog and does not have any real desire at this point in making our marriage work. I had to go to plan B tonight.
God help me.

NO...
Don't go to Plan B...
...stay in Plan A through the pregnancy!<p>This is the time she needs you the most!
Be there for her...
...but in a clear and unequivocal way...
...say to her that your marriage (with her)... is a permanent, life-long commitment... and you will work on improving yourself... especially now during the pregnancy!<p>If she disagrees with you...
...suck it up!
...and pass on only loving, caring kind words.<p>If she opts to leave for the OM...
If she opts for an abortion...
...there is little you can do...
...but prayer for her and the child.<p>The biological father must make this consent (to let you become the father) ASAP...
...get legal counsel on this.
I usually make the recommendation of finding a good attorney. A good place to start off is at the Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.
USLaw.com (an alternative search site)<p>Not too long ago there was a long (some considered it argumentative) post on a father/H who didn't want his WW to have an abortion...Wife wants an abortion ... I don't !!!... check it out for the different perspectives...<p>Prayers...<p>Jim/NSR

The father has given consent in word but nothing official in writing. The problem right now is she is living in another country with her father so I am having a hard time being able to meet her needs and the last few times I talked to her on the phone she was very distant. I felt she doesn't really want me around right now. I mentioned reading some books about getting beyond the affair to her and when I said the word affair she got very angry and said she did not have an affair she was in love with OM and is still in love with him. She also said that she doesn't think she can live with a lie about who the father of her child is. It was terrible. I told her I can't go on like this. It is too painful for me. I told her that when she is ready to be with me without OM in her life, then we can try to make our marriage work. It was very difficult. I had actually callled her that day to ask her how the doctor's visit went. She told me of her plans to spend 3 weeks at a spiritual retreat in August where OM will be there. I think her going to this is out of the question but I didn't say anything. But it seems like her mind is made up. I had to go to plan B.
I didn't know what else to do. I can't have OM in my life and she is not willing to let go. She wants him to either be the father or be a close family friend, like an uncle that always comes to visit.

Tofu here's something that you might find interesting:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Willard Harley:
<strong> If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>From the master MB himself. What do you think?

Coffee man that was one of the first letters I read on MB. I definetely thought a lot about it. At first when the W came home and really wanted to be with me and have me raise the child I dismissed any thoughts of divorce but now I obviously see she is still very much in love with OM and I am leaning more and more towards D but it is so hard to let go. NSR advised me to not go on to plan b, but I just can't be there for her right now when she is still very much questioning her decision to leave OM. I am only 30 years old and life is just beginning for me. Right now I imagine never finding love like I had with her, but I know that I will be Okay. I just wish the heartache wouldn't last so long. It kills me so because she was all set to come home. She spent two weeks with me before realizing she was pregnant and we had such a nice time. I didn't LB at all, but when she returned for good with the news of the pregnancy things changed and OM was super sweet and really showed tremedous interest in raising the child. Damn this is so hard. In my mind right now I just have this fantasy that she will be just so much happier with me because this thing with OM is just a fantasy in her mind. I believe she will be unhappy in the future and regret tremendously all she has done and want to return to me and by then it will probably be too late. It is really a wonder to me how much suffering man has to deal with while living in this world. I am just extremely grateful knowing that life in this body is temporary and one day I will be sitting in the lap of Father God enjoying His heavenly intoxication.

You acknowledged to me - in TheLions thread - that you were afraid that if you got divorced from her and after you finding another woman to love, she came back to you stating how stupid she was, and sorry for all she did to you and how much she still loves you, that you would be torn between your feelings for her and for your new woman. Well that's exactly what may happen if you do not stick around to have her love withdrawls empty and finally close her love account in your love bank for good. Sure it hurts like hell and you feel like a doormat for doing so but given some time you will no longer have any feelings for her and that is when you will not have any more love left for her to jeopardize any future relationship you may have with another woman. So do it not so much for her and your M but for you and your future which may no include her. You may want to run away from her and your M but the past can catch up to you if still love her very much.
So think very well before you decide on a course of action.

bump