I just found out that my husband of 5 years had an affair (lasting several months) with my own SISTER!!! I know she did it out of spite, he is now in therapy for issues with sex... he says he never loved her... it was only sex. I hate her more than anything... but, I still love my husband! She has always been competetive with me (she is 5 years older)... even has flirted with several boyfriends in the past... (for the record, this is the third KNOWN affair that she has had since she has been married). I am actually more pissed at her than at him because I know her... and I know she pushed for it while he and I were having some problems. Not an excuse, but at this point I don't know what to do. I can't imagine that there is anyone else who has had to deal with something like this... MY OWN SISTER!!! If anyone has any advice to offer, I am more than happy to hear what you have to say! I let him come back home, and we are trying to move on... but OUCH! Does the pain ever go away? I can't even close my eyes without seeing the two of them together -- (they had sex twice, but she gave him oral sex 4 or 5 times... once in MY HOUSE!!!) PLEASE HELP ME!!!

<small>[ August 20, 2002, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: mc needs your help ]</small>

Really hard to deal with that........how horrifying. To be betrayed by two people you love. It's major, and will take time to recover. Hopefully he is willing to actively rebuild with you... take reponsibility and do his part.<p>It is normal to be traumatized by such an event- you may need counseling and/or antidepressants to help you recover, keep your mind open if you feel that might help you cope. <p>Know that time will help but it could take a year for the images to fade.

OOOO...... this is BAD. I hate to tell you this but I think you need to cut your sister out of your life forever. Especaily if you want to work on the marriage.<p>Your sister is a piece of work. There is no excuse for this.

I agree about cutting her out of my life... but what about my family? I could NEVER see her face at a family function without wanting to hit her! How could my family cut her out too? (even though she is a slut, tramp, whore, etc...) I could NEVER have my husband in the same house as her!!! How do I deal with all that stuff? My mom says she is "still her daughter"... but she wont even consider speaking to my husband, who wants to say he's sorry! My family does not know I let him move back home -- but I have two young children who need him... I need him... AND to make matters worse, the ***** lives a few miles down the road!!! I have to pass her house to go almost anywhere! Can a family EVER recover from a betrayal like this? Who gets to come over for Christmas? "her" or me??? I did NOT do anything wrong here -- but it is almost like I am being punished! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Hi,
Major OOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!<p>You are in a tough spot. I agree, cut your sister off. Talk to your mom, your sister probably needs some major counseling. This is not normal behavior to go after your sisters H. Sisters are supposed to be there to protect you, love you and support you. Yes, your sister is still your mothers daughter, as a mother, we love our children and don't ever want to have to pick and choose. <p>At this time, I would not worry about what your family has to say. Family is important, your H is also family. Concentrate on your M. Don't let the anger consume you. I did that from his first A, and look where I am again. Since I have let go of the anger, things have been better (I think). <p>There some really good books to read such as "How to Survive and Affair, LoveBusters, click on the bookstore link. I have 4 of the books. I've read two so far. <p>As far as family functions go, you may have to deal with that when the time comes. Christmas is a long ways away, and I know you want to continue spending it with your family, as it gets closer you will be able to deal with that issue. <p>If you are not in counseling, please do so. <p>I will pass along some advice I was given. If you need to vent, come here. Since you are trying to work on your M, you don't need to vent to your H, not at this time. I have not been here long, so I don't have as much wisdom as other here do. You will be hearing from them I'm sure. <p>Good Luck

Hi,
I just saw that you posted on my thread. Thanks

It is good that your H is seeking counseling. If you haven't, you might consider it too. This is tough for you, there is many emotions happening at the same time. You both will need all the help you can get. As for my H and counseling, as you suggested, at this time, if I was to suggest it, he would not go. He does not even know I suspect and the timing is wrong for me to confront. All I can do right now is work on me and do my part to ensure that I am not doing any LB's to my H or the M. When the time is right, then I can confront him, maybe he will come clean before that point. Who knows, maybe I be as fortunate as you are and he will be willing to do what it takes. That is an very important part of the whole thing. If you read others threads you will see that there are many different scenarios going on. <p>Good luck

Dear MC,<p>You need to sit down with your Mom and have a long talk. She may "get it" or she may not. <p>You might have to forgo seeing her for awhile too. This is an extremely difficult situation you are in but stick to your guns. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. You have kids to consider here and maybe your H is remorseful and has learned his lesson. I really question what he was thinking when he decided to sleep with your sister though. This particular infidelity is worst than most. You two will definitely need some professional help with this. I hope you are planning on seeing a therapist.<p>Your sister has to be out of the picture. Maybe one day she`ll seek some counselling but until she does she is persona non grata. If the rest of the family doesn`t like this then tough. YOU are calling the shots here. I hope this works out for you.

Thank you all for you words of wisdom. I am going to counseling with my H, and plan on going myself too. As for "her", she always puts the blame on somebody else for her actions... I hate having to put my mother aside right now because she is older and in not-so-great health... as is my father... But one thing is for sure -- She will NEVER be a part of my life ever again. I learned the hard way exactly what she is capable of! Please keep the advice coming!

H and Children are your priority now. If you have to cut yourself off from your whole family, do so, at least temporarily. You don't have to go to family gatherings - your parents can always visit you, if they want to see their Grandchildren. Consider moving to another town or another state to put some distance between your H and Sis.<p>There are two parts to recovery from betrayal. One is forgiveness. The other is reconciliation. Forgiveness is mandatory, because it is what keeps the betrayed person mentally healthy. Reconciliation is optional, based on whether or not the betrayer is willing to change and rebuild trust. You need to forgive your sister. But you do not need to re-establish a relationship with her. Given the "no contact" rule, it may be best not to.

How can I forgive my sister??? What she did was out of spite! She has hurt me soooooo many times in my lifetime!! This was her pathetic way of trying to show me that she is better than me! (Of course, I know better than that!) Her life is cheap sex with any man who will give her attention -- even her husband! I don't know if I could EVER forgive her!!! Why? because she says that he MADE her do it... ALL THOSE TIMES!!! Yet she kept coming back for more! She would make treats and deliver them to my house WHILE this was happening! She would sit next to him at my mothers house... IF she was being forced to do this, why didn't she call me, or my other sister, or my mother, or one of my brothers, or her husband... oh, yeah... because she is a LIER!!! I can work with my H to get past this, because I honestly don't believe that he meant to hurt me. HER on the other hand... that was her goal! And while I hurt (big, huge ouch!), I hope that H and I can rebuild with an even stronger foundation... I guess only time will tell...<p>Thank you ALL for your insight, you have become a lifeline to me for support! I am so glad I found this site!<p>Please keep your thought coming!

MC,<p>It has been a while since I've posted. When I saw your post I had to repond. <p>There is hope. I know you probably don't feel it now, I didn't when I found out either but you can make it. There is plenty of support here for you. <p>You may feel like it's the world you're up against but you will get through this. You & H will have to cut all ties with your sister, this is unfortunate but necessary. By what she has done, she has shown you that you are not important in her life, this should make it easier for you to not have her in your life. As far as your mom & dad go, don't worry it will work out. They are still her parents as well and if she realizes what she has done she may need them during this. They can still be parents to both of you, but for now focus on your immediate family (H & kids), they matter the most now. <p>When I found out about my H & his A with a co-worker, I didn't think we could possibly stay together. But I read alot, and from my signature line you can see I am a DearPeggy fan. I think her books and website help us the most. We are 5 months into recovery and are doing well. There hasn't been any contact with the OW, he quit is job immediately and is now on 1st shift so he is home with me. The images will start to fade, I know I didn't believe they ever could but they did. <p>I sometimes hate to use the word forgiveness to me it meant "I'm ok with what you did". I have learned that forgiveness is about YOU. To me it now means you have to let go of the anger and resentment because it will distroy YOU. You have to in order to move on. You will never forget what happened but it will not control you. Forgiveness is about getting back the control the other person has on you. I never thought I could/would say this but I have even forgiven the OW - why, because it was consuming me. I thought about her all the time so much it was preventing me (us) from moving on. I was giving her to much power over me. I now have that power back and I actually feel really sorry for her, for her to lower herself to go after a MM, and waste her time hoping he would leave me even though he told her he never would. I now see she obviously doesn't have self esteem, why else would you settle for 2nd best. Their affair only consisted of 30 minute lunch breaks 3 to 4 days a week and the sex took place in a car. How degrading is that to be 41 and screwing in the backseat. So I already know I'm a better person than she is. <p>I think I started to ramble. Anyway my point is time will help and it will get better. You need to educate yourself about infidelity and work on your relationship with your H and don't worry about her. <p>Good luck,
sty

mc,<p>First....hugs to you....I can't imagine how awful this is. <p>I would treat this sister like any other OW. Have your husband write a no contact letter, and you should write a similar one. Explain to your sister that you want no contact with her until she is willing to seek counseling and seek your forgiveness, but that she will never have contact with your H again. I would ask her out of respect for you to notify you by email if she plans to attend a family function so that you can refrain from going. And then I would have your husband write an apology letter to your sister's husband because he has a right to know. I realize that you want and love your H, and even though you hate your sister, there is equal responsiblity for this travesty of trust. He should also try to make amends with your mother. Why should you have to stop seeing your mother who is old and in poor health because these two people were so weak that they gave into the basest instincts imaginable. Consider it part of your H's therapy to try and remedy some of the damage he has done. I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive both of the partners in this crime one day....assuming your sister can show an appropriate amount of remorse.<p>I am so sorry for your pain. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /><p>[ June 08, 2002: Message edited by: starfish4729 ]</p>

I would agree with John39
Your Marriage and Children are or should be your top priority
Tell your Parents that they can visit you and the grandkids but they are not to bring sis along or speak of her.
If moving out of town is not an option at least consider moving to the other side of town you are in<p>IMHO
Sam

I agree with all the above posts.<p>I cannot imagine either of my sisters doing such a thing to me...how awful this must be for you!<p>As for family gatherings and holidays, maybe you can create your own traditions. Plan your own family events at YOUR house on a different date and make it clear to your sister that she is no longer part of YOUR family.<p>It's tough when your parents are older and in not-so-good health, but talk to them and tell them that while you love them and the rest of your family, your sister has hurt you so deeply that you can no longer be anywhere around her. Tell them and the rest of your family that you love them and want them to come to your house but that you will never again be around your sister. If they have anything bad to say about your husband, tell them that he is YOUR husband, that you love him, that he's remorseful, that you have both recommitted to rebuilding your marriage, and will tolerate no mistreatment of him. If they don't like it, tough...it is YOUR life and marriage.<p>Wishing you all the best.
LC

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! You all have been such a huge help to me! I was feeling like a bad person putting myself, my H, and my children first -- but you are right... THEY are my family. Everyone else will have to deal with it.<p>On a positive note: Today my oldest brother called me (while working), and asked me if I wanted to stop and visit him. I told him that it would be ALL of us and he said that was fine! We went and my brother and H spoke for the first time since this all hit the fan! It went REALLY well, and I can just hope that in time my entire family will be willing to do the same!<p>As far as my family goes, ALL my siblings are disgusted with my sister for her part in this. As a matter of fact, only my mother has spoken with her since the truth came out! (I have another sister and three brothers!) I can't ask them to never speak to her again, but they all seem to understand that I will never again allow her into any part of my life! Of course, if you ask her, SHE'S the victim here!!! (NOT!!!)<p>Thanks again for everything! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

mc,
Remember the forgiveness part. I am divorcing my WW and it hurts like hell, but I've forgiven her. It's taken me half a year to forgive her and it did not come easy.
She is your sister and has hurt you terribly.<p>Take a deep breath, think about it a bit.
It's your family. Please don't make any rash decisions.<p>God Bless and please calm down a bit, Okay?<p> <p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

mc-
I just saw your thread and don't think i can say anything more than the good advice you have received here already, especially since I am a long way from being "out of the woods" yet, but just wanted to tell you that although the betrayal is so much greater when the OW is your own sister, you are not the only person this has happened to.<p>I ran our church's mother/toddler group for 4 years and we had 2 sisters who attended for years - they each now have 4 children - each has 3 boys and 1 girl - their kids all have grown up together as close as brothers and sisters - because these sisters are identical twins - in fact, they are so identical that no-one can tell them apart except by the different tatoos each has on her shoulder. They are exactly like 2 peas in a pod. And they were inseparable, going through all their pregnancies together, sitting side-by-side at our coffee mornings, taking pleasure in each other's children. Until one of them had an affair and her marriage broke up - she had an affair with her best friend's husband, and then, you guessed it, she went after her twin's husband. Who knows why? I don't know the ins and outs of it or how the rest of their large family dealt with it, so I can't help you there - but the husband in question left his wife and family and went to live with the other twin - the kids have had a lot of problems (they are all in my son's school - the littlest boy was a bully before he got to primary school) - and to top it all off, the "evil twin" moved house so she only lives 3 blocks from the betrayed twin - I don't think they see each other at all now, but at least the kids can play with each other in the next street - still, it must be so painful for the little boys from the "betrayed"'s house watch their daddy being daddy to their cousins a few blocks away. OK, so this is not a nice story - what I'm saying to you is it happened - so your experience is not unique, although it is dreadful.<p>The good thing is your H wants to stay and work things out with you. I hope everything works out for you. <p>Odile

Hi everyone... I can't deal with living so close to "her"!!! I can't even go to my normal grocery store out of fear of running into her! The other day I had to drive to another town for food!!! My H and I want to move, but we can't at this moment! I can't even drive into town! My H has seen "her" and "her" H twice while driving... both times he called me freaking out!!! I know he has had NO contact with "her" since this all came out, but how long until we bump into them??? Than what? My H and "her" H were very close friends from childhood!<p>My entire family is being torn apart! Only my one brother has made any effort to help (by being willing to see my H) Everyone else is still to mad at him!!! I know they are mad at both of them, but they think "her" H is wonderful for sticking by her, and I am a fool!!! What kind of double standard is that??? I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing for me and my children! Why can't they support that? I don't like the idea that I have to walk away from my family, and "she" still gets to have them!!! I didn't do anything wrong here!!! <p>How does a family deal with a betrayal like this and move on??? I need them to remember the great person he is and not just the stupid thing he participated in! My H has always been great to my family, and has always treated me and my children the way we deserve (with that one exception). Will they ever see past that? How can my mother forgive "her", and not him??? As I said before, she did this to me out of spite! He was in a bad place (we were having problems), and she used that to her advantage! (not an excuse for him, but explains alot) Throughout my entire life, my "sister" was only happy when my life was in turmoil!!!<p>She still maintains that he forced her to do things!!! (keep in mind that this A lasted several months, so according to her, when she MET him in a park, and several other public places, she was "forced" to do things against her will... yet she kept meeting him!!!)This is her SORRY attempt to look like the victim instead of the whore that she is!!! If she admits she was willing, she would admit she did this on purpose! (also keep in mind that even my own mother does not believe her "story", nor does any other member of my family!!!) She can't even be woman enough to admit her part! When my H came clean, he did so in front of me AND my mother!!! (he wanted to tell her to her face because of his respect for her, and so I would have support right away!)<p>Oh, yeah... If she was "forced" to do these things over, and over, and over again... why was she always happy to come over to my house while this was happening??? AND why did she call me everyday sounding ever so happy??? AND why would she say to me "How do you know he is where he says he is?" (about 100 times during this time) I know she was taunting me!!! What she was trying to say was "You have NO clue where your H is, because he is with ME!!!"<p>I was suspicious at the time. Once she called because she had a problem with her furnace, and asked my H to come check it out -- he did. I told him I was going to dust him for fingerprints when he got home... DUH - I should have! There was also the time her car broke down, and he went to help her again.... and YES, this was all during the timeframe of the A!!! When I questioned him at the time, he got mad at me for not trusting him... HELLO!?!?!?! He admits to me that everytime they were together he would feel so guilty he would withdrawal a little more from me -- I can remember this all too well! She was literally turning him against me.<p>But what made her come clean was him telling her that things had never been better between the two of us -- the next day, she dropped the bomb! (that she was "forced")<p>Did I mention that "she" and I were close? We spoke several times a day, EVERYDAY!!! That is up until she decided that my life was going too good. Since her "claim", she has only spoken with my mother (I think 3 times... briefly) -- no one else! She won't even let her H talk to anyone. (I spoke with him once and proved to him that she was a liar -- I had my brother with me to serve as a witness to the conversation.) I know that she feels like she is holding all the cards, but she holds NOTHING!!!<p>What else can I do now??? <p>Please help me!<p>-MCNYH <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I just got home from the book store, and got myself SAA. I can't wait to start reading it! I can only hope it will give me the insight I need to heal!<p>Is this a book I should ask my H to read too?<p>-MCNYH

Where is everybody? I am havin a bad day. I keep seeing things in my head that I don't want to see! Will they ever go away??? I can see the remorse in my H everyday, but that does not make the images go away! I believe him when he says that it will never happen again, but how do I get over the fact that it already happened once!!! We are trying hard to work this out, and H is doing everything I've asked him to do... I also started reading SAA, is there anything else I can do? We go to therapy again on Friday.