I hope I have found the right place? It seems that so many of you are going through what I am right now, and I'm hoping by listening to you, and reading your experiences, that I might be able to get through this too?<P>wastinaway

Hi, I am sorry you are here or rather that you have to be here. But if you are going through what we are then welcome you have come to the right place for love, support, prayers. It is a place to vent, yell, cry, and scream. I am sure our "welcome wagon" will be along soon. If you feel like it tell us a little of your story it helps us to give you support. O, we aare good a giving advice, some of us it follow it. {{HUGS}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks for welcoming me here Di. All I can say is this is so hard for me, not only having to deal with the fact that my H commited infidelity, but that he commited it with my friend. I've done more crying ever imaginable. I haven't really vented much, I've tried to hold back on that because I know my words will only hurt him in the end, and I don't want to feel that I'm the blame for that too. It's just so hard cause I'm feel like I've fallen inside a deep well where it's dark and cold, all alone. It's been about 3 months now, and I sometimes still feel like all this happened yesterday.<P>wastinaway

Vent HERE, you are safe here...<P>I'm sorry you have to be here too... but since you have to be going through it, you are among people who understand, from both sides.<P>Welcome... <P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon

Welcome <B>wastinaway</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sorry... the welcome wagon guy is late...<BR>A lot on his plate this week...<BR>Ok... <B>wastinaway</B>! <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thanks so much for all your kind words and welcome here to MB.<P>I stumbled along this little place when I was searching for, I don't know, maybe answers? or maybe confirmation that this is all really happening to me and that its not just another one of my bad nightmares?<P>I read all the articles and information on the MB site and thought this must be "ME". I've been so overwhelmed and so scared to talk about this, (you know, family and friends can sometimes add to the pain). I feel so much shame and embarassment, it feels like everyone knows and I've been scared to leave my house so I chose to lock myself up and stay where I know it's safe for me. I haven't really been able to talk about things much, so after reading a lot of MB I decided to buy the book, "Infidelity, A Survival Guide". Ever since I got it, I haven't been able to put it down. The dispair, confusion, betrayl, deceit, pain, suffering, anguish, self blame and abuse, the list goes on, are all things that I'm going through right now.<P>Following the *shock* and *devistating truth*, I only remember feeling like my world just caved in around me. What do I do? If I stay, people will think I'm a fool! If I leave, I can't tell anyone why or they will be so mad me, and our kids will be so up lifted, and I don't want to hurt them like that.<P>I actually can't remember my physical state to much accept for shaking all over, everything seems so much like a blur to me. I know that there have been times when I've felt like there was no way out, feeling like I want to run, or to end it all. I know that running away isn't going to help me for various reasons, but the worst for me, is having to face my family or face them if any of this gets back to them. I keep thinking that this isn't as bad as I'm believing it to be, that all of the truth is only me exaggerating it in some way? I don't know? It's been a few months now, and I have days where I can't get passed the shock and trauma of all this. I cry everyday, and I try to not let this happen, but it just comes out and I can't control it.<P>I hope I'm in the right place, here, with all of you, I just hope that I can get through this and survive it all, I really feel like this is the end for me. I want my marriage to work, and he tells me he wants it too, but there is a part of me that just *can't believe* any of his words anymore, and I feel so guilty for feeling like that. Every which way I turn, I see reminders and feel guilt, I know I'm depressed by all this, what a mess I'm in!<P>wa

wastinaway,<P>You have nothing to be ashamed of...<BR>You don't have to lock yourself in the house...<P>One of the things we can help you with... is to get on with your life... and work on your marriage... instead of just rolling over and dying.<P>You say your depressed...<BR>Post... there are a good percentage of folks here on anti-depressants... like about 60%... or more. This is very serious suff... If you are retreating from the world... stop... see a doctor... and get some prescription mediation. <B>Medication is not something to fear</B>. What you should fear... is falling to a deep abyss of depression... from which climbing out is <B>very</B> hard....<BR><B>Please</B>... see a doctor... today! <P>Ask your doctor about psychological "counseling" as well...<BR>For you at least... but, if you can get your husband to agree... have him go with you too. <P>Also... you've got a good book already... but for the detals of what is at<B>this</B> site... get <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Trusting your H isn't going to come back soon... One quote from SAA... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See if you can fill us in on some more details... we aren't here to pry... but somtimes knowing the background helps us help you.<P>Update your profile to include some of the following (at your discretion)...<BR>How long you've known you spouse... before marriage?<BR>Date of marriage?...<BR>When did the affair start? (if known)...<BR>Are you a "betrayed"... "wayward"... or "OP"?...<BR>Was/Is it an emotional affair(EA?).... physical?... or both?...<BR>Any children?... how many?...<BR>Are you?... spouse?... both?... seeing a counselor?<BR>Are you?... spouse?... both?... taking anti-dep medication?<BR>Has anybody filed for separation? or divorce?<BR>Is there any physical abuse?<BR>And any other relevant details...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thank you for your caring words...*tears*<P>I'm going to try as hard as I can to answer your questions so you can try and help me with this... just please bare with me, I'm still in a state of shock with all this. I've really tried to focus positively and I've been trying to put this in perspective, at least that's what I do for the most part with people around me. Most think I'm a rosey person and have a happy and comfy life, that there is nothing wrong with me or my life, that's the image I try to project to others, but inside, I am dying and I know it. I'm dead and there just isn't anything that can make me feel like I'm alive. I want to move on in my life as a person, as a wife, and with a new job that has been offered to me, but I just can't. My fears of running into someone that knows about all this is just haunting me! I don't have any concentration and I just don't feel that I can make any commitments right now. Do you know what I mean? It's like living on a never ending rollercoaster ride of "hell".<P>As for some of my details... I've been married for 7 years, but we lived together for 3 and dated for 2. That's 12, but in total, we've known each other for over 30 years as we grew up together as young children and teenagers, so we have a long history together. We never dated in H.S., only later on in our young adult years after my divorce and him breaking off his engagement with someone living in another country. We are both 37 and we have 2 teenage boys from my previous marriage. My H has raised the boys as his own since the youngest was in diapers. We suffered the lose of a child together as I ran into a serious pregnancy complication about 6 years ago, so that's why we never considered having anymore children between us. I am the one that has been "Betrayed" the discoverer... he is the "Betrayer" the discovered. I really don't know if this affair was emotional as for him loving the OW, he says "NO", but it was emotional somewhere along the line, because he went back a couple more times to her. The OW was my best friend. As for physical, I'm not sure about that either, he always knew that I was there for him. There is no physical abuse in our relationship and never has been. As far as seeking a councelor, I did that at the first thought of him having an affair, it took me a week to be able to pick up the phone and make that call! I had to talk to someone to find out if maybe I was just dreaming up all my insecurities about the evidence and feelings that I was finding and having? As to this day, neither one of us has had any sessions or therapy treatments, but we both intend to as soon as our financial situation allows us, that will be in the near future, sometime towards the end of January or middle of February when our insurance kicks in. I'm presently not on any medication, and yes, we did see our doctor when I lost control as I confronted my H about his affair. My H took me, and the doc gave us a referal to a councelor, but we just didn't have the money at the time and because of the holiday season now, it's just not a good idea. I know that I need help for me and I know that my H and I both need it, or our marriage will just fall apart. Neither one of us has filed for separation or divorce. He is only home one day a week and his career provides separation already, but I'm scared of divorce. I've been through that route before. I have been considering it only because I hate the suffering that I'm feeling now, but that is a "hell" that I don't want to have to face with other people around me.<P>This was a short affair that my H had with a close friend of mine, the OW. He says it was 3 times and then he called it off. He says he called it off because he knew he loved me.(as that's what he said to me) I don't know if that's true? I think maybe he did that because he knew that I was on to him and the OW because I had confronted him about it?<P>At the time of the affair, I was facing an injury that I had from an accident (6 months ago), and was disabled and couldn't walk and was attending physical therapy treatments. It hit me really hard, and my emotional state suffered as a result. Emotionally.. I guess I was feeling scared about all that I was now facing alone with my impairment and felt sorry for myself. I honestly didn't think I was ever going to walk again.<P>My H's career takes him out of town and the country all the time. When I had this accident, he had to go and couldn't stay home. When he returned, he quite his job and got something that would bring him home each day. A short time following his new job, I started noticing a trail of things that were strange, things he said and didn't say, actions and mannerisum, his reactions to the phone ringing, lies and hiding things, and some changes in personal lifestyles. When I questioned him about these things, he got mad and blamed me, said that I have a problem, so I backed down so as not to cause any negative confrontation, or as little as I could. I figured I would use this time to watch and put the puzzle together of what my worst nightmare just might be. I knew he was having secret meetings with her, I confronted her, and him about it. She said she would never do anything like that, and one day I caught her in a lie. That's when she started her defensiveness with me, and it gave me more of my answers. When I confronted him, he denied it, so I said ok, fine, I believe you. I did that so he would think that I wasn't untrustworthy of him... I figured if there was an affair, he would reconsider the fact that I'm not the b***h and unsupportive wife he tried to convince me or himself of. A few weeks went by and he just wasn't bringing home the $$$ that he use to(he and I both knew that him quiting the other job was going to add a huge financial strain to our lifes and household) Like I was saying, a few weeks pasted and he decided to get something else, it was also something that would bring him home daily, but it was a little more stable as far as forecasting the pay checks. Anyway, after a couple of weeks went by, the OW's H called me, asked me things about my H, and then proceeded and volunteered his thoughts and concerns about his W (the OW) and my H. At the time, I just sat and listened, it was all I could do. I never confirmed with him that all my worst thoughts and fears had just been confirmed, I just said that I had to go, so I hung up the phone. I then confronted my H out of his sleep, as he was working night shift. Actually, I remember standing there, stareing at him, he awoke like he felt someone was watching him. I must have had some look on my face, because at that point his eyes just bulged and he shot up out of bed to grab me as I shook and started to fall to the ground. I was speechless, nothing could come out of my mouth, not a tear, nothing, all my body could do was tremble from head to toe with numbness. He then said..."I never wanted to hurt you like this". He now just admitted it and I never said anything for him to confess! I just sat there on the side of the bed, feeling like I was loosing my mind? He said he would leave, I said "no". After that, I really can remember much. I know I did say all the things that most people say like, why? how could you? etc.. After calming down, we talked and he seemed remorseful, or in fear of what might happen between us? Still trying to figure out what's true and not. I don't have much trust right now in his words, so I hope you can understand that.<P>I guess with my depression because of my own problems of my confinment and injury, he was feeling down too, so he went to talk things over with my friend, instead of talking with me and getting me the help I now look back on thinking that I should have gotten. As they sat and talked, she gave him a hug... *poor baby*, and one thing led to another, and as a result, an affair had taken place. If this was just a one time thing, I might have been able to accept it a little easier, as he called it a mistake, but I can't accept it as that at all because he went back a couple of more times. I know what your saying is true about meeting emotional needs, I didn't meet them and I caused him to drift away, this is why I blame "ME". I know he had other choices and options available to him, but he was wrapped up in his own dispair and discomfort, and he couldn't focus, so I brought this on myself, I caused this heartache.<P>The only thing about this that I have so much anger for, is the fact that I feel my friend, (the OW) should have "Backed Off"... she new I was having a difficult time physically and emotionally, and she took advantage of it. I resent her for that now.<P>There is more to this story about how the OW has stalked me on the net, and tortured me with emails, telling others about what happend between them. Because of this, I'm now living with so much more difficulty. I feel like I was betrayed by 2 people, not just one, and that it's destroying me, not just my marriage. I'm afraid to go out anywhere, or go on medication, afraid to admit that I can't control my own life and my surroundings. God help me! I have innocent children to take care of and raise!!! My H has been very supportive with me, and he says he will stand behind me in therapy for me and ourselves, but I keep questioning his motives? I've never heard him sound so understanding before, hmm? Something tells me there isn't something right here? I don't know what though? I guess I will find out later on, but I've asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he doesn't want this marriage to work cause I don't want to live a lie anymore. I think I'm just messing with my head more, don't you think?<P>wa

all of those feelings are so normal.<BR>i can only repeat what others have said.<BR>you will feel insane, your world has gone topsy-turvey, etc.<BR>your husband wants to help..good<BR>you dont trust..thats to be expected<BR>stick around, posts, read, and please- RELAX.<BR>thats the hardest part- sleep, eat, and excersize. be good to your kids- im sure you already are- and be good to you.<BR>this is one heck of a ride- but you will survive.<BR>keep on postin.

I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through. You are in the right place for support. It sounds like this was an emotional and physical affair. Emotional because she filled his need or emotions when you were hurt and having problems. I understand that he is still living at home. If you haven't please read Surviving An Affair, plu read on this web site all the places that NSR has for you in his thread. This will help a lot. To know about us click on the sunglasses that will give you are background. This will help you to know you are not alone.<P>You know there are places you can go for counseling that cost very little or not at all. Some have payments that are based on what you can pay. I know how hard it is when money is an issue but in this case you need to start as soon as possible for you. <P>THe feeling to hide away is very normal, I guess I am still doing that. It has been almost nine months since discovery and almost 5 since he left home to live with OW. I have had no contact with my old friends of course I moved out of town so that made it easier, but I know in a way that was the wrong thing to do. True friends will support you all the way, but sometime you are right that they just don't understand. We here at MB do understand. We know what it feels like to want to make your marriage work. You will find that there are couples here on the road to recovery( they give us hope that it can be done), there are those who are like just find out and trying to deal with it, there are some that are trying to work on there marriage while the spouse is still seeing the ow, and then there are those like me separated but trying to wait out the affair. So we can give you support and friendship as we have all been there. And we are there for each other. Thank you for giving us your history, I know how difficult it was for you to do that. (Here when we say I know how you feel, we really mean we know how you feel) But sometime writing it down helps. In fact the one thing I did after disocvery was to keep a journal. In it I put down how I was feeling all my thoughts, it was tear stained but it did help. Of course writing here helps too. If you need to talk to some one more then just on here my email is diseiler@hotmail.com <P>You have come to the right place!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Dear WNAWAy,<P>You have indeed found a healing place, although I do not wish anyone to be here under the curcumstances that have brought you here.<P>Think of MB's as the beginning of a better future. You find people that have felt the very same feelings that you are going through. You consider your feelings more normal because there are so many others that feel the same way. This gives you the confidence to help heal. Your writings sound sane, very sad, but clear and level headed. You do, however, sound very depressed. I know, I have been there along with many other MB members. The first thing that you need to do is to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Anti-depressants were not an option for me due to me being pregnant, but they seemed to have worked for a great many good people here. I am going to seriously consider Anti-dep. after my baby is born to help me remain strong during my recovery with H.<P>You are dealing with discovery and this is the most hurtful stage that there is. Do as much reading on Dr. Harley's site as possable. I bought two of his books and found his advice and information to be invaluable. I have been lucky enough to get into counseling both individually and joint with H. and am glad for that possability to do so. I must admit to you that Dr. Harley's advise on MB has been the most helpful so far. Please get into counseling yourself as soon as financially possible. It helps to be able to talk things through with someone.<BR>Good luck and post whenever you need it.

Wastinaway:<P>You have come to the right place and we are glad you found us. I am truly sorry that you are here under these circumstances. My W and I are into recovery after I disclosed my affair in September. If she would have written her feelings down I could put them beside yours they would be almost identical. We began reading the MB forum about two months ago and spend time together reading every day. Invite your H to read with you when you visit this site. He will find there are people just like him here also. I can tell you that the people here are some of the greatest folks in the world and the advice and support they give has helped us to successfully begin to rebuild our marriage. <P>The most important thing that my W and I have done is to spend more time together and communicate. This is not an easy road to travel, however, I can tell you if you love your H and he loves you, you can make your recovery successful. Most importantly, you can make your marriage better. If your H is still with you and he does not want a divorce, you are already moving in the right direction. All of your feelings will pass, but it will take time. Better days are ahead.<P>If you can find the post titled "All those in recovery" read it. My W (Peppermint) posted a reply concerning a letter that she wrote me listing all of her feelings, including the good ones. The suggestion was in a book by Dr. John Gray "What You Feel You Can Heal". I read her letter every day and it has helped me understand how she feels. Please come here every day and read and post. It will Help.<P>Good luck to you. We are all behind you and you H.<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited December 15, 1999).]

Thank you for shareing your story. As I was reading it, all those horrific memories came back. Instead of sitting on the bed I was in the fetal position in my drivewat with my three year old daughter asking mommy whats wrong with daddy.<P>Infidelity is the most destructive force I have ever encounterd. It cuts right to your very soul. I do believe God never waists a wound.<P>As time passes so does the pain. It will come back but it is more managable<P>Keep coming here and letting us know how you feel.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Dear wastinaway,<P>In my short experience, you've come to the right place. I discovered it somehow 5 days after my W told me about her affair. I was confused, numb, confused, didn't know if I was coming or going. I've come a long way I think.<P>Copy your story from this post and paste it to your profile, I'll help other to understand your problem better- You'll find out that both fortunately & unfortunately you are not alone, that other people share your pain and can help. No experts here, but everyone with experience…<P>Welcome aboard!!!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Thanks very much for all your replys.<P>I try to take one day at a time, one moment in a day at a time in order to keep myself intact. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I felt like I was regressing back to the moment of finding out the truth of my H. I think it's because of all the stress in my life right now, you know, the discovery, the holidays, and a big part of it is the recent offer of a new job.<P>I met with my H for a couple of hours to talk about why I feel I can't accept this new job offer, he was supportive and said that any decision that I make is fine whether I take it or leave it. He reminded me of how he has never pressured me into working or not working, and stated that I have always known that. But a part of me just feels like I'm going to disappoint him now and down the road if I don't accept it. This job offer is with the company that he is currently working with... and then I went on to talk about my feelings of everything to my H.<P>I mentioned that I'm just not ready yet, I'm insecure and I'm afraid that I might have moments of tears and great sadness in the work place, and that this would leave a bad impression on my character as a cool headed and intelligent individual, and that my actions would also find it's way to reflecting poorly on him down the road through company gossip. (that's the reality of the world we live in today) The truth is, I don't want to mess up, and I can't trust myself not to have outbreaks of sadness or depressing moments at this point. I continued to explain to my H that I'm scared of what's going on with me inside and how this is effecting my sleepless nights, nightmares and cold sweats of panic and fear, concentration and my focus of daily duties and the struggles I face. I'm scared about us as a couple, scared of what the future holds for me as an individual, scared of divorce and most of all, scared that all this is driving me over the edge or something.<P>Honestly though, thoughtout our relationship together, I've never had any problems talking about my feelings, but when I ask him, he always hesitates some, and then replys, "I Don't Know!". This is what's scary to me. I'm falling apart with discovery and trying to recover at the same time, pick up our pieces and put them back together, and it's almost like he's already recovered or maybe in some kind of denial when I ask what his feelings are, like its over and done with? I see the look on his face and in his eyes when we talk about this subject. I don't really bring up the OW much, I use a lot of "I's" when I speak to him. Then I ask, maybe you could tell me what your feeling, or how are you feeling about this? I always get the same reply and hesitation... "I Don't Know!" or "I Feel Bad About What All This Has Done To You"(meaning me)! It's like he struggles to find an answer, or he's just searching in his head to find words that won't hurt me or something? I just can't put my finger on it. He always says he feels bad for what he did and he says he regrets it, and he doesn't know why he did it, and doesn't know what emotions I wasn't meeting or what he was lacking at that time, but the one thing he did say that I found to be really strange was, that he couldn't really understand why all this has made me so upset the way it has! (huh?)<P>I think me being upset and trying to get through all this verbalizing and trying to communicate like this, is putting a wedge between us and creating more of a negative affect on our marriage. Maybe I should just drop all this and leave well enough alone? I mean, he wants this all to be over and put behind him. He really looks not only upset about it when we discuss this, but almost fed up about it at the same time? I've really tried to be as gentle about bringing this whole thing up and watching every word I speak (like walking on eggshells) because I know it might in the end push him away even more from me and I don't want to do that. This really concerns me. My H wants it to be done and over with and for us to move on, almost like it's a mistake and there's no reason to dwell on things? Although, in the next breath, my H says he will go to counceling. Is this normal for the betrayer to be feeling like this? And if so, why? I'm confused! Please, someone try and explain this to me so I can get a better understanding of what he might be feeling and why. I want to help him to communicate with me now, or all this isn't going to help us out when one party can't communicate to the other, and counceling or therapy might make things worst.<P>wa

To answer your las question first, counseling or therapy will not make the situation worse, it makes it better. Your wanting to talk and him not wanting to talk is "normal" You are dealing with this for the first time, he is further along in dealing with this so he doesn't want to talk about it. But it needs to be talked about or the problems you have in your marriage will not be taken care and you will drift further apart. That is why counseling is so helpful. It takes the steps one at a time. It will help you deal with your feeling, help him to understand your feelings and he will be able to tell you how he feels. Now this willnot happen in the first meeting, it will take time but you will be working on it together and tha is what you need to do.<P>The job would you haven't taken the job if the affair had not happened? Think hard on this. Is it the job you always wanted, I don't mean money but the type of job you really enjoy? Will you regret not taking this job later on. If it somehing you really want to do, then go for it because you need to do things for your self. Yes it will be hard at first but it will give you something else to think about and to do as you recover, plus seeeing a counselor and maybe getting on antidep. will help you to focus better. If it is a job you would have only taken becouse of the money and it is really what you want to do, then say that it is what I want. Because it will only make matter worse.<P>I can not stress enough that you need to see a counselor and soon. It will help you so much. You should see one by your self plus a joint one with you H. <P>But everything you are going through and feeling is because of the affair. ANd it is not ABNORMAL. Everyone of us on this board has gone through or is going through right now. Sometimes we do great and other time we are so depressed and feel we are losing control. That is why this forum helps so much because the people here know what is happening to you and can help you to understand that this is part of the process of dealing with the affair. I don't know if telling you what we each went through would help but if it would let us know. If you want to talk more you have my email address. {{{HUGS}}}} and prayers. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>