Can anyone tell me approx how long it was before they started to feel "better" about things. It's been about 11 weeks since d-day for me and I'm sure I don't feel any better than I did back then. I want to but the smallest thing can happen or not happen and I'm right back where I started. <p>I feel as though I need some sort of "closure" and I just don't know how to get it. My mother-in-law (MIL) tells me that I'm still very bitter but I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. I'm certainly not okay with it and I'm really not sure that I ever will be. I think I have a right to be "bitter" - for the time being anyway. <p>I can't see a time when this won't hurt and I'll be happy again and sometimes I wonder if it's even worth trying to hold this marriage together. I think that maybe I'm better off just letting go so that at least one of us is happy. <p>It doesn't help much when MIL has been the one person I could talk to through all of this and now I find out that she totally blames me for H's A. I guess in her eyes it makes her a bad mother if she lays any blame on her son. She told me that I need to work out what I did or didn't do that made H go outside the bounds of marriage. She also told me that I should quit my job and think about putting my 2 year old daughter into daycare sometimes so that I can spend more time with H. I know lack of time together is one of our big problems but how is that my fault? Don't I have a right to a life of my own? I only work 20 hours a week anyway and in about two months will be on maternity leave for some time. <p>I just don't know how to deal with all of this. How do you ever start to feel "better" again? I try to be positive about things and sometimes I can be but then there are days when I don't even want to live anymore. I'm realy not coping with this at all and I have such a hard time "letting go" of pain and hurt. <p>I actually found our counselling session did more harm than good too. I wasn't feeling too bad before I went but during and after I just kept thinking that there is no hope for us at all. It wasn't actually said but that's the impression I got from the counsellor. I don't even really understand why he would think that. I didn't think our problems were that huge but maybe I was wrong. He's the one with the degree after all. And I'm the one with a betraying H.<p>I just don't know how much more I can take. I want the pain to be over.<p>HRO

Hi, <p>Well I don't know the initial part of your story but it sounds like you need to take a look at a thread called the 5 stages of grieving. It is a short post but it mentions how the BS will go through various stages after d/d. <p>Now if your MIL can no longer serve as your support, you'd best find other sources. Good ones. They could be as close as hugging your children to couselors, close friends, doctor,relatives, etc. and even us here at MB. <p>Here's that thread the 5 stages of grieving:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>[ June 08, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Hi!<p>Orchid gave you good advice and I agree with her. If your MIL isn't making you feel good, stay away!!!<p>You are not the reason for the affair!!! The changes that you and your H make are up to you two, it isn't her business!!!!
No one can tell you what to do, you must both find a way to make each other happy. <p>Do alot of reading, this is the best advice I can give you. You can make it, it isn't going to be easy but it is possible and you can have the happiest marriage when you have both went through the ups and downs together.<p>11 weeks isn't a long time. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. Try to make discussions comfortable and don't pressure things. <p>I thought at first that I would never get over this and I would never be able to laugh again, but it does happen. I'm not saying that it is easy, NO surely not but I am happier than I ever was and this experience has made our marriage stronger than it ever was.<p>Go step by step. <p>hugs
BB

Thanks for the feedback. The logical part of me knows that this is not my fault but it's so hard to not blame yourself. Having someone else blame you is a completely different story though. I actually told H that I was not going to talk to his mother any more. I meant about A and my feelings but he told her just that I wasn't going to talk to her anymore. Now she refuses to even speak to me. It's very childish but I just don't have the energy to worry about her at the moment so if that's how she wants to be then that's how things will be - for the moment anyway.<p>I'm trying to be patient and give myself time to heal but I guess I've always expected so much of myself so I think I should be over this. Things can go from good to bad in a matter of minutes and then seem to take forever to get back to good again. I can see my H thinking "not again". He doesn't understand. He thinks if I'm not crying then everything must be alright. I wish he could have a day in my mind and have to think what I think every day. I just feel so worthless and unloved. I don't know that I'll ever feel any differently. <p>What I can't get out of my head lately is an email from OW just after d-day and she said to me "he really does love you". It really annoys me that she felt she had the right to tell me how my H feels about me. And he thinks that's a good thing because he told her that he still loved me. Doesn't he know that actions speak louder than words and his actions certainly were not saying that he loved his wife. All of this is going to drive me insane - sooner rather than later I think.<p>HRO

HRO,<p>I'm so sorry that you are hurting.<p>I agree with the others... if your MIL isn't providing support for you, then stay away from them for a while. My wifes parents 'blamed' me for my wifes affairs by telling me that I was the one that 'taught' her to drink and that was what caused all of our problems! Her parents never addressed issues in their family... they just acted like they never happened, so I can't really blame them. They just didn't know how to handle this situation.<p>Can anyone tell me approx how long it was before they started to feel "better" about things. It's been about 11 weeks since d-day for me and I'm sure I don't feel any better than I did back then. I want to but the smallest thing can happen or not happen and I'm right back where I started. As a general rule, I've heard that recovery takes about as long as it took the affair to start and end. For me, it's been over a year and a half since my last "D-Day"... and I can honestly say that I am having more "good" days than "bad" ones... Hang in there... it just takes time.<p>I just don't know how to deal with all of this. How do you ever start to feel "better" again? I try to be positive about things and sometimes I can be but then there are days when I don't even want to live anymore. I'm realy not coping with this at all and I have such a hard time "letting go" of pain and hurt. At 11 weeks past D-Day, I'd venture to guess that your feelings are still pretty torn up. I to felt suicidal and felt that I couldn't go on. Please know that killing yourself won't help you restore your marriage. Please talk with a counselor about your feelings and see your doctor for some anti depressant meds. An affair is much like a death... you need to grieve your loss and then you need to get angry... I'd recommend reading all of the articles on the MB web site and getting a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder...<p>I didn't think our problems were that huge but maybe I was wrong. He's the one with the degree after all. And I'm the one with a betraying H. I don't know what the 'problems' are with your marriage... that is what you and your husband will have to find out if you decide to save your marriage. But remember, YOU did NOT cause your husband to stray... he made that choice himself. <p>I just don't know how much more I can take. I want the pain to be over. This is a 'normal' feeling... been there done that. Please don't make the mistake that I did and bury the pain and hurt that you're feeling. I did that for 12 years and just basically acted like my wife's affairs "never happened". When my wife revealed 4 additional affairs that I never knew about in Dec 00, it was as if the pain and hurt from the 1st two just happened... You can bury your hurt, but it WILL come back up later. <p>Keep reading and posting. This is a great place to 'vent' and I wish that I'd known about MB earlier. You are not alone and there are lots of people that have gone/are going through the very same things....<p>Take care,
RIF90