H began EA in February, 2002. Works with OW - they talked about it for a few weeks before H told me - he told OW that he had told me and ow told her H. OW told my H the next day that it was over. H told me and seemed relieved at the time - the 4 of us sat down and talked. H wanted to make sure that I wasn't hurt more by one of them saying something. Thought things were over. H has not gotten over this yet. Is in love with OW and doesn't love me. Wants her to come to him and tell him that she still has feelings for him. I'm not sure what to do. I asked him to leave once but he didn't. Told him to ask OW so he knows where he stands but he doesn't want to. Doesn't want to look for another job. I have been living with this for 4 months. Doesn't sound like a long time but it is killing me. I am seeing a therapist but not much relief yet. My family is beginning to notice how depressed I am and asking questions. Only a few people know about this and I have asked them not to say anything. Any ideas? I don't even know if he is interested in saving our marriage.

Hi, I am new here, so I can't offer anything like the others here can, But, I will say that I think you need to ask him what his plans are!!! You should not have to sit back and wait while he decides!!! He should also be in therapy if he's not already! <p>I wish I knew more to say. Just be strong! You WILL get through this!<p>-MC

I think H wants to leave because he thinks if he does ow will leave her husband. I should have mentioned that ow told husband at the time she told him it was over that she was looking for someone. OW is not happy in her marriage - hasn't been - as a matter of fact has done this 2 other times that I know of and hasn't left her H. But for some reason my H thinks she will. It's like he is in this fantasy world and can't get out. Sometimes I think he wants to work things out and then other times I know he wants to go. When I asked him to leave I really wanted him to until about 2 hours later. Same thing with him asking ow if she still had feelings for him. I have been trying Plan A - trying not to ask too many questions but letting him know that I love him. But sometimes he says I am trying too hard. Then when I don't I think he thinks I've given up on us. Really not sure what to do here. I'm sure if he leaves he won't come back. Not sure if I'm emotionally ready to deal with that. Any suggestions? I was advised not to have him talk with ow. Is that true? I'm just at my wits end here and not sure how much longer I can do this.

Hi there,
I'm kind of a newbie here, and I read a LOT more than I post...just kind of soaking up the information! But one thing I can tell you...no contact is very important!!! The WS and OW working together, is not a good situation...any way one of them can quit their job?

kkb59, I would suspect that by the length of time you've been married that there is a LOT of water under the bridge!! Has he asked for forgivness? Have you granted it? What about for all of the other things through the years that have probably built up between you? Have you asked forgiveness for the wrongs you've done to him? Has he forgiven you? It looks to me like it is time for some good ol' communication!! Yes, he will go through withdrawal, but what he needs to see from you is that he can have all the happiness his heart can handle right there at home with you. I noticed you have older children. How was your marriage during their formative years? Did you drift apart as they demanded more and more of your time? Did you become better friends with them than with your spouse? Do you even know who your spouse is? Does he know who you are?<p>Personally, I think you need some time away. Maybe a cruise, if that's not economically feasible, go to the nearest big town where you can be left alone and spend at minimum a weekend together. Chances are you need to rediscover each other. She fulfilled some emotional needs for him. You need to pinpoint them, and begin filling them yourself!! I had a wise older lady at church tell me the secret to a successful marriage yesterday, and if you want to be really basic about it , she's right.<p>1. LOVE<p>2. RESPECT<p>3. COMMUNICATION<p>Think about it, and give it all ya got!!

Thanks for all the input. Right now a new job for either H or OW isn't going to happen. OW's H isn't working so she is the breadwinner. My H isn't ready to find another job. We have elderly parents in the area and I'm not sure if I would be able to leave.
There is a lot of water under the bridge - our last child was a challange to say the least - we both did get caught up in our children's lives. But the last few years we have been able to do more just the two of us. Last child recently left home - was waiting for it to just be the 2 of us - within a month this happened. It was like H was waiting for youngest to leave. I have apologized for not being the kind of wife I should have been - he apologizes all the time for hurting me. Never thought he was much of a husband. I often wonder if I'm just not the one he is suppose to be with. I knew our marriage wasn't the best but I never thought this would happen (famous last words). I am overweight but have a hard time losing. My husband has asked me to lose weight for my health and appearance. I didn't until all this happened. Now I just can't eat so the weight is coming off. But I think it's too little too late.
I am trying to be supportive and understanding. But I am sick to my stomach all of the time. Want to ask questions but that can start an argument and also the answers hurt me. I just really don't know how to handle all of this. Never thought I would have too - I guess we all think that.
I know I wasn't the wife I could have been but will it really do any good to start now? I just need some hope.
Thanks for listening.

Few question about Plan A<p> H still has strong feelings for ow - Not sure if that is going to change anytime soon. Was never a P/A. Still works with OW/ that won't be changing soon either. Do I question him everyday to see if he was alone with her? <p> I am pretty sure he drives by her house to see if she is outside - do I ask him that? We have talked at length about him wanting to leave. Do I keep questioning him about that or do I just let things go? <p> H tells me he and ow don't talk about the ea anymore - she ended it - but he won't give up on it. Is this part of withdrawal? <p> I am having a hard time with day to day functioning - how long does that last?

Thanks for any input.

I'm going through something similar. I've been separated for 18 months,(mine is the unrequieted love posting). I confronted the OW (she worked with my H). I was nice to her but naturally my phone call still freaked her out. She broke it off with my H before they had a chance to date and become physical. My H is convinced that she loves him. The problem is, when the A ended premature, he was left with an unblemished fantasy. He didn't get the chance to see any character flaws or relatonship issues. Now he's stuck with a case of "nobody will ever measure up to the OW" and I lost my marriage.

My H & I are still living together but he is in love with her and hopeful that ow still has feelings for him. He said they never mentioned the L word and the actual mutual E/A only lasted about 2 weeks before ow told him it was over. I have thought about seeing ow to ask her to tell H that it can never be but ow doesn't know that H still has feelings for her. So that could be opening up another can of worms. Not sure what to do.

Just be careful. I confronted the ow and even though she said she wasn't going to mention our conversation to my H, she called back the next day and said that she changed her mind. So I told him about it myself. He was furious that I went behind his back, talking about him to her and that I dragged her into it in the first place. It backfired. Their's was not a very verbal EA, they never declared love for one another but my H told me himself that he was in love with her.
P.S. I'm sure you know that it probably isn't real love. I'm glad you're still living together. Once you've made that adjustment to being alone the rest (divorce) can be unfortunately easy.

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if ow would tell H that I talked with her but if she did I don't think he would ever forgive me. Like I said I don't think ow knows that my H still has feelings for her. OW did apologize to me right after she ended ea with my H but not sure if she would tell him eveh if I asked her not to so as of right now I am not going to say anything to ow. I pray that it's not real love. But H thinks it is. Am just trying to hold on and not drive myself crazy with it.

It's heart-wrenching isn't it. I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my experience. Mine didn't work out, that doesn't mean that your's won't. Ideally, it would be best if they didn't work together. He DOES need to go through withdrawl. If you can try to provide those things that he's missing, without going overboard,
I'm sure he'll snap out of it. It's going to be a test of 'keeping it together', 'swallowing your pride', and 'weathering this storm' with dignity, class, and support for your husband. I'm sorry to use so many cliches... convenient expressions right now, not to minimize what you're experiencing. Keep me posted on you success. If you want, I can be emailed at billyneworleans@hotmail.com
Good luck.

Thanks again. It is really hard. It's only been the last couple of weeks that I have been able to function much at all. Have been really trying not to be the basket case that I was. We haven't had a coversation about the EA for almost a week and it seems to be better. I do have questions all the time but try to bite my lip so I don't ask them. Or should I ask them? Sometimes my husband says I'm trying too hard other times he thinks I'm letting go. Not sure what to do about that.
Not really sure how much longer I can hang on - it's like waiting for a bomb to drop.

I have been trying hard with Plan A - had a lapse on Father's Day and then again last night.
I had remembered something my H said a week or so ago that I never asked him about. He has answered the same question repeatedly with always the same answer - no - something he said made me doubt it and so I asked again which started a kind of fight. Not real bad but I didn't like it. H left for a bit - he came back and said let me ask you a question. He said that I know he doesn't want to be here(home) and he wants ow but I am doing everything I can to not let that happen. As you can see by my previous posts I asked him to leave and to talk with her and he did neither. I said that I wanted him to stay and I wanted our marriage but he should do what he needs to - I cried most of the night - got about 3 hours sleep - then my H woke up about 4:00 and told I him I would leave if he wanted me to. He asked me where that came from - I said you don't want to be with me. I told him I didn't think I could wait for the other shoe to drop and him to leave. He said you don't know when or if that is going to happen. I am so confused - is he sending mixed signals? Really not sure what to do. Do I force the issue or wait? Really need some advice here.
Thanks