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#415193 06/14/02 08:23 AM
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Thanks again for all of the advice and encouragement. I have to admit I am tempted all the time to call or e-mail OM and I just need all the strength and help to get through this. I never realized how much the feelings were like an addiction. It is so hard to give up that feeling of being "in love". There are just silly issues that arise in my mind also about giving up OM...such as I lost weight while having the affair and now I'm afraid if I'll gain weight and just go back to where I was before. I wonder if I am addicted to the excitement of the affair and where will I find that excitement again? These are the kinds of thoughts that scare me.
I am beginning to see my husband in a new light and that is helping. We have been doing fun things together again which really helps me realize what we do have in common besides our children.
I have been taking all of the blame for the A and now I am beginning to feel resentful to my H for not admitting some of his behavior may have contributed to it.
LP

#415194 06/14/02 01:30 PM
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I never realized how much the feelings were like an addiction. <p>This is a very common and very accurate description. It is very much an addiction and like addicts of all types you will be tempted, your mind will tell you just once couldn’t possibly hurt. But ask a recovering Alcoholic or even someone who has quit smoking what comes of that one harmless time. Three years ago I quit smoking to nearly a year. Then I had one after all one couldn’t hurt. Today I’m at 2 packs a day [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

My W also talked of her A like an addiction, and like you, she tried to end it on her own many times. Sometimes she could go weeks, other time’s only days. Finally she realized she couldn’t break the cycle alone and she came to me and told me about it.<p> now I'm afraid if I'll gain weight and just go back to where I was before<p>You lost the weight because you wanted to look better. Sure the OM may have been what you think motivated it but ultimately you wanted it.<p>Sparkle, SET your goals higher than that, you are not going back where you were in any way. You are going someplace you never thought possible. Focus on building (rebuilding) a M that is filled with honesty, protection, trust, true happiness and yes even the excitement of that “in love” feeling. Focus on being the person you want to be, see it and work towards it.<p>I have been taking all of the blame for the A and now I am beginning to feel resentful to my H for not admitting some of his behavior may have contributed to it.<p>Valid point on some levels, but never forget you both contributed to the behavior that created an environment for this to happen. In your H’s defense he had nothing to do with the decision to be unfaithful and was never given any say in that. Be cautious of blaming your H, or taking the blame. This environment is a product your combined efforts (or lack there of) I’m sure neither of you planned for it. Unfortunately it happens, life and M do not come with a handbook. <p>Try to shift the need to blame anyone to an agreement to work together with your H to get through this. I know you feel withdraw is something you have to do for yourself and to some degree that is true but beyond withdraw it will take the both of you to recover. Is your H reading any of the information? Did you order any of the books?<p>Hang in there,
oz

#415195 06/14/02 01:48 PM
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Sparkle
I’m sorry I did not recommend this to you earlier. One of my good MB friends who doesn’t visit us much any longer was also the WS. She is one of my favorite success stories, her M is healed, her life has moved beyond MB, she is happy and having kids with her H. Good for her, unfortunate for those who never got to converse with her.<p>You may want to do a search on her posts, her member number is 6219 or check out one of her last postings the SKM Chronicles <p>You may find great inspiration in her words.<p>oz<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

#415196 06/14/02 02:07 PM
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I did a search and found the site with the person (number) you mentioned. There was a lot of good "stuff" on that site. I am having a setback day -- I met OM. He called and wanted to meet and I agreed to say goodbye, again. I think he now understand that it is for good and I believe it was final this time but I am not kidding myself. If he called and wanted to meet again in 5 minutes I don't know what I would do. Why is this so addictive? Is there a physiological reason or is it psychological? I am having a heck of a time figuring out where all these site things figured out because I write at work and can't be on this site all day long! I was amazed when I read the things on the site about that you recommended how similar the situations are. The soulmate thing that is such a strong feeling...what is up with that? I thought I was the only one who found my true soulmate! Now I'm beginning to see through the fog...please help lead me on. I will be turning to this site to give me strength so any more recommendations are great.

#415197 06/14/02 03:11 PM
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I am having a setback day -- I met OM<p>sparkle,
I’m glad you told us that, rather than just disappearing. See what I meant about back to square one? Two days ago you were feeling a bit stronger than right now and after just seeing him you can’t guarantee what will happen in 5 minutes. <p>I’m not condoning contact [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] but I understand it’s easy to stumble in the beginning, just get up and get back on the path. <p>
Psychological, definitely. It goes with the whole sole mate thing. Your mind has been talking you into why this is so right to justify the fact that you knew it was wrong. The OM only shows you the good side to keep you. It’s all part of the Fog/Fantasy. You don’t actually think the OM is going to talk too and treat you the way he treats his W do you? Hell no, he knows he has to be your knight in shinning armor. He knows you don’t need to deal with his baggage so he only shows the best parts. I’m not picking on the OM here, you did the same thing. I guarantee he has never seen you with the flu with your hair all shaggy, no make up, old PJ’s fur slippers and looking like death, so in his fantasy you wake up in the morning wonderful every day. It’s part of the deal, it’s not real.<p>I’m going out of town till next Wed. So I’m hoping someone else kick in here for me. Otherwise I want to see you here when I get back. It will give you more time to read up and learn the site.<p>Keep at it
oz

#415198 06/14/02 03:15 PM
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Is there someplace on this site that explains the fog/fantasy? I think I am in it and would like to understand it.

#415199 06/14/02 03:43 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sparkle22:
<strong>Is there someplace on this site that explains the fog/fantasy? I think I am in it and would like to understand it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This should help. It covers a host of topics. Allowing Jesus to live His life through you is the only true way to overcome those temptations. He will always give you an out to be the spiritual example for those around you.<p>I read my Bible and read articles such as these along with what I have learned from this website to keep me from doing to my W what she has done to me. She experienced this with OM#11 by my count.<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: professorg ]</p>

#415200 06/14/02 03:51 PM
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Sparkle,
No offense to the prof but if your not into the Christian way. There is a post in the most notable threads section on describing the fog that can be found here<p>You may also want to read over some of the most notable threads <p>Also if you missed it there is a wealth of information in the General Welcome<p>Read, Read, Read. This place if full of first hand experience and support but please consider buying the book “Surviving An Affair” It makes the concepts around here so much easier to understand.<p>Also, poke you nose into some current threads offer feedback where you can, becoming involved does wonders for the soul.<p>oz<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

#415201 06/16/02 07:28 PM
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Hi Sparkle,
I'm a former WS, I'm 46, 2 sons, 14 &16, and have been married 21 years. I had a 2 year emotional affair (no touching) that finally ended 2 months ago. I fell completely in love with the OM and was very close to leaving my H for him. But, I didn't. I just wanted to let you know that breaking off contact with the OM will be the hardest personal challenge that you will ever take on...I don't know much about your situation. Whether or not the OM is available or married, etc. Do you still work with him? I had to change jobs in order to end my EA...I don't know how people are able to continue to work with the other person...I couldn't. No contact is the only way I have been able to work on my marriage. At times, like tonight, it's really hard (my H is away for 6 nights, and before that I was away on business, and before that he was away for a couple of days....etc.,,,so I'm lonely, miss my H and miss the OM. I'll be strong, I won't contact him, but I really, really miss him.<p>Tell me how you are doing.

#415202 06/17/02 08:09 AM
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AShirley-
Yes, it is so hard and I just feel really tired at times and this weekend was a hard one. No, I'm not working with the OM anymore. I ran into him Friday night at a social thing and I talked to him and I miss him so much. I am working on the marriage and trying to do fun things and spend more time with my husband but I just miss the OM so much. I am going to determined to make no contact work this week but sometimes I feel so weak and think "what would a little e-mail hurt?"

#415203 06/17/02 08:36 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
I know it must have been really, really hard running into him this weekend. Before this weekend, when was the last time you had seen him? I can't tell from you emails, is he available or is he also married? Will he help you do this (ie. have no contact?) or will he make you do this on your own?
AS

#415204 06/17/02 08:44 AM
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He is married (terrible marriage), 50 years old, 2 grown children. This is my first serious attempt at no contact. I have made half-hearted attempts for about 6 months. So last week I told him no more and he e-mailed and wanted to see me Friday over noon (he was in the town where I work) so I agreed. I told him that was it and then we discovered we would be at the same event Friday night so I knew I would run into him there. We talked that if we weren't going to get married then it should be no contact and although he would continue contact he understands the need for me to have no contact. Not only has it been a EA it has been a wonderful PA and so this is going to take all the strength I have to end it. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long and it is so painful not to be with the OM that often I just want to run to OM. I can see that it I am in this fog that people in this site refer to and that no contact is probably the only way out but it won't be easy...

#415205 06/17/02 09:10 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
Thank you for filling me in on some of the details. It is going to be especially hard for you bc your OM is not committed to breaking it off...so you are going to have to be really strong. But I think you also need to ask him to help you through this by not responding to your emails or returning your calls.<p>I told my OM that I was afraid that I'd reach out to him and send him emails, but told him to ignore them. Finally, we are both sticking to our words..but it is really hard for me.<p>If you want to email me off-line, feel free to do so at Ashirley1@hotmail.com. I know that MB looks down on offline communications between people of the opposite sex, but since we're both female, hopefully people won't give us a hard time. I just find that as a WS, some of the BS on this site can't deal with hearing how incredibly hard it is for us to break off contact. They want us to just get over it. However, easier said than done. The ache of loss continues for a very long time...I still care very deeply for my OM--I continue to love and respect him. <p>My H and I are doing very well. We love each other, enjoy each others company, respect each other, etc...but I still miss the OM. If you need support or need to wallow...feel free to do so. Hang in there!
AS

#415206 06/17/02 09:13 AM
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Thanks for the support. It is hard to verbalize how hard this is. I think the description of an addition is very real.

#415207 06/17/02 09:21 AM
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sparkle,
If you think he has such a terrible marriage, why is he still there ? It occured to me if MY xom's marriage was so aweful like he said.. what is he still doing there. No excuses, he must like it. Maybe that will help you out of the fog a little, I know it did me.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#415208 06/17/02 09:24 AM
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He wants to get a divorce and marry me but I told him no and asked him to please stay with his wife for awhile while I try to rebuild my marriage. I think he will get a divorce soon and I am worried that I won't be strong enough to not run to him when he isn't married.

#415209 06/17/02 09:30 AM
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Sparkle,
I do think of my feeling for the OM as an addiction. I read a book about that explained the 5 phases one goes through in an addictive episode: (paraphrased and edited to fit my situation)<p>1) fleeting thoughts—a thought or image of the addictive behavior (in my case the OM) pops into our mind. Perhaps we saw a car like his, heard a song, went by where we visited, etc. It can be triggered by psychological withdrawal, like loneliness, emptiness, anger. It is here that we have the most control over redirecting our thoughts.<p>2) mental attention (inviting the fantasy in) In this stage the person gives willing attention to the fleeting idea, playing with the fantasy, savoring the feelings of the addiction….Toying with the addictive idea and creating an image triggers a chemical response in the body, a pleasant feeling. The hypnotic trance deepens, allowing the addicted part of the system to take hold…It often just takes one permission giving thought to activate the addiction. Just this time, I have a reason to call him, etc.<p>The high is underway as the person slides into the euphoria of an addictive state. A person many keep this image and the chemical high going for days or weeks, imagining a romantic encounter, sex, etc. For some people, the addiction IS to float off in a fantasy world of euphoric recall of past encounters with the substance or the behavior of choice. At this point you are playing with fire. Making a connection with another human being (like a friend) is often the antidote to addiction bc the bond to the addictive behavior is replaced by the long-for-bond of a caring, understanding human being.<p>3) planning/obsession . In this phase a person makes plan for the addictive acting out. They call the person and arrange to get together, they buy the food, plan where to get the drugs, etc. It is more difficult to intervene at this stage bc the addictive side has gathered momentum. <p>4) acting it out. There may be an orgasmic quality to the release. <p>5) the hang over—involving shame, guilt, remorse or physical withdrawal.<p>The first two phases are where I still find myself. But I continue to make progress. Yesterday, I wanted so much call the OM up and talk with him about my son having tried pot. (Since he had had similar problems with his son.) I wanted to commiserate and ask for advice as to what to do, how to handle it…most of all, I just wanted an excuse to connect with him. But I knew, that it was my addiction that was toying with me…making me think that it would be okay to call…just this once, etc.. But I saw through it and wouldn’t let myself, trick myself….Even though I my husband was out of town and my best friend wasn’t available for support, I hung in there and didn’t call, email, etc. I am so proud of myself. I know that I’ll get there over time.<p>Reminding myself that part of the struggle is the addiction has helped me a great deal.<p>Good luck.
AS

#415210 06/17/02 09:34 AM
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Yes, I can see the addiction qualities in myself. Thanks for sending the information. I have tried the personal contact to help and it really works.

#415211 06/17/02 09:36 AM
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Ashirley,
Do you tell your husband about your thoughts and wanting to contact the OM or do you have a friend you talk to about it? I think I need to open up to one of my friends but haven't.

#415212 06/17/02 09:41 AM
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You have been married along time, and alot to lose..
I found it helpful to do more things for my husband and calling him whn I thought of calling OM. It IS HARD,some days I think we both have trouble with it, even after two years..
You just have to make a committment to your self and marriage and stick with it.
probably one of the hardest things you will ever do.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I wish you lots of luck. I do know hw hard it is.<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: mom of five ]</p>

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