Hey Sparkle:<p>I'm a former wayward spouse who had a mostly emotional (and physical once) affair about two years ago. My affair wasn't mostly about my being unhappy with my spouse; rather, it was more about being unhappy with myself. So our situations aren't precisely the same. But I can certainly understand what you're going through. <p>A lot of wayward spouses who come here say exactly the same things that you do -- they "love" the other person, the other person is their "best friend" or their "soulmate," etc. That fact may make you feel both better (you're not alone in what you're feeling) and worse (your relationship with the OM isn't a miraculous, unique, hitherto-unheard-of kind of thing -- tons of people have been where you are). A lot of people on these boards will denigrate the emotions of an affair, reminding the wayward spouse that those feelings are at least partly borne from the secretiveness of the affair, from not having to live day to day with the other person. <p>And that's all pretty much true. But I tend to think that the emotions of the affair should be paid attention to, fairly closely, and respected, if not for their effects (which are terrible for you, for your spouse, and for the OM), then for what they tell you about yourself. Clearly you have some needs that simply weren't being met in your life before the affair. Whether or not you say goodbye to the OM, if those needs continue to go unmet, your marriage won't last, or you'll be miserable. Two bad choices.<p>So I think one thing you need to work on is to figure out why you were so ready to fall into the affair. Just reading the little you've written, it seems to this outsider as though your A falls into a fairly classic pattern -- after spending a few decades doing nothing but raising children, you go out into the world where suddenly you have interesting and exciting people paying attention to you, valuing your input, wanting more from you than just dinner and the laundry done, etc. It's almost inevitable that you'd start to compare that life with the life you'd had up to that point, and not entirely unforseeable that your "old" life would start to look a little shabby. But that's just a thumbnail analysis based on a few lines of information. You need to do the hard work to figure out for yourself what was missing in either your marriage or yourself that caused you to go outside your marriage to find it.<p>That said, I'll add my voice to the chorus that if you're at all serious about working on your marriage, the relationship with the OM must entirely end. No contact, and that means NONE. No e-mails, no phone calls, even if he initiates them. You know how to hang up the phone, presumably, and it's time to put that skill to good use. It will hurt. It will feel "mean". But the OM is an adult. He knew you were married. He knew that this treatment was a possibility at some point. If he really cares for you, he'll get the message and respect your boundaries.<p>You also need to start re-connecting with your H. You've said that he's a good father and a "companion", but that you've "never" felt a deeper connection with him. Maybe that's true, but maybe that's just what they call the "fog" talking. You should try to be open to the possibility that your feelings (current or historical) for your H aren't in very good focus right now due to the intensity of the relationship with the OM. You married your H once. Try to remember the feelings you had for him then. Chances are that they were more than mere "companionship." It's possible to rekindle those feelings, though it will take work on both your parts.<p>Keep posting, Sparkle. I know things look bleak and not very promising right now. They always do before you really end the A. But if you give it some time, you might just find out that your H and your marriage, really have a lot to offer you. Good luck, hear? We'll all be pulling for you!
