This is my first time here...I found out that my wife (of 13 years) had an affair with one, possibly more, men a year or so ago. In that time she went through a "partying" phase. Going out with younger women (twentysomethings) and got involved with drugs. She always assured me that all she did was party and did not do anything else. She did have an affair right after we were married (with someone she was seeing before we were married). She was born again shortly after the first affair and was on the straight and narrow for about 9 years. <p>I found out recently from two separate sources that she was having an affair with her fitness instructor. I suspected for the past several years, but she has vehemently denied everything. She is still denying, although she has recently started rehab and says she wants to get back to the Lord.<p>I don't trust her. An I feel the only reason I am sticking around is because of our three kids (I have read the stats on single parent families, etc.). I do want to reconcile, but I feel that I can't until she confesses to me. I feel very distant to her and she gets mad at me for being so. When she asks why, I broach the subject of her infidelity, she swears her innonence and gets really angry. <p>I heard of the power of prayer, but it only seems to do so much...<p>Any suggestions?<p>Thanks!!

betrayed_husband,<p>I think you will not be able to force out truth. Our spouces should want to be honest with us and understand why honesty is so important.<p>If I were you I would do as much reading as possible in MB's. It gives great advice and makes things so clear and understandable.<p>Make situations comfortable for you and your wife to talk about your problems that you are having to trust her. Don't pressure her just explain what your feelings are and how they are affecting yourself and your feelings towards her.<p>I have read a couple of books: "His Needs Her Needs" for example and this made it easier for me to explain things to my husband. It all made more sence when I was talking to him. And since it did make sence it has changed alot. <p>It does make sence that you feel distanted towards her until she is willing to tell you what is true or not without getting mad.
Maybe even suggest to her to take a look at the MB's site. <p>Just don't pressure and stay calm. <p>hugs
BB

I would like to suggest to you to read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''Love busters''His needs Her needs', etc. because they are so insightful as to the how and why affairs are born.<p>How confident are you in the trustworthiness of your two sources? <p>If you trust your two sources completely, then you should show her tangible evidence in the form of eyewitness reports of the time and place where she and her lovers have met. But if and when you do present her with this information you should do it in a calm and collective fashion because angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements do nothing to help build trust.<p>It is very typical for WS's to deny their affairs and get angry at their BS's to deflect any attention away from them and their affairs. But if she - like the majority of WS's that are in the 'fog' - realizes that you are aware of her infidelity, she will try other ways to hide it from you until she runs out of ways and then she will become very upfront about it since she won't care anymore that you know. It is this kind of behavior experts like Harley have said makes infidelity so much liken to an addiction.<p>More wiser posters will come by later on and give you great advice on your situation. So hang tight and try to get those Harley books to read.

When I confronted my husband...I always knew he was guilty of something because he would get so mad. He would deny it and blame it on me.....my insecurity, my jealousy, my lifestyle, my everything was the reason for me being suspicious.<p>I dug and dug and found out little types of things here and there and had my suspicions. He would deny it all. Well this past week...all hell broke loose and he finally admitted to one affair. <p>After days of prodding...I forgave him and wrote him a letter about all the things I loved about him to begin with and at the end...wrote down that if he would trust me with the truth, I promise not to let him down with my response. Meaning that I would handle it maturly if he just laid it on the line. He did. I wasnt prepared. I had no idea about the other 2 women. I was disgusted totally. But...I love him....and I told him to trust me....we cried, hugged, I lashed out, we ended up on the floor and talked for 4 hours. I asked questions, he answered, no matter how intimate. I told him I had to start trusting him somewhere. <p>He answered all the intimate questions that I needed the answers to. After each hard session of questions, I made it a point, no matter how I felt, to reach out and touch him or hug him or hold him. I wanted him to know that I'm dealing with this, but I unconditionally love him. It takes awhile to get the flow going...but once its opened....it will flow...but...I warn you....do not ask questions that you dont really want answers to. The details are killers. Good Luck!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I don't trust her. An I feel the only reason I am sticking around is because of our three kids (I have read the stats on single parent families, etc.). I do want to reconcile, but I feel that I can't until she confesses to me. I feel very distant to her and she gets mad at me for being so. When she asks why, I broach the subject of her infidelity, she swears her innonence and gets really angry <hr></blockquote><p>There is more than the kids keeping you where you are...deep down you know that.
You cannot FORCE your W to do anything.
You cannot control anyone but yourself.<p>I think you need to look DEEP within yourself and come to terms with what you are and aren't willing to live with. You may never get that confession.....alot of WS's have never admitted to having an A long into recovery and to this day don't confess.<p>Getting angry like she does is normal for someone who is in denial themselves. Have you ever thought that maybe she thinks that if she denies it that she can make it look...to herlsef and others...like it never happened?<p>You also need to look at what was wrong in your marriage that made the situation ripe for an A to happen in the first place.<p>Don't put everything into hearing a confession from her.....you may actually find out that you can move on and have a happy marriage without ever hearing her confess.
Sometimes we build our expectations up and we build them up so much that they turn into a need of sorts......and then sometimes we realize that when we finally get what we want and have been waiting so long to hear.....it doesn't really matter as much as we thought it would.<p>Good luck!<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</p>