Haven't heard from you in a while. Where are you and HOW are you?<P>chin up!!<P>Susan

Hey, Susan --<P>Fortunately (or, unfortunatly) I am still around. I've got to take car of some office stuff. I'll try to reply a little later tonight.<P>--keystone

The rollercoaster ride is absolutely sickening.

Susan --<P>Yeah, I'm still here. <P>Things have not been going to great. We've made some headway (I guess), but it's still hard to tell exactly where it's all going.<P>W and I are talking about our marriage troubles. Not regularly, but a little. That's better than nothing, and better than the occassional counseling session blow-out.<P>Counseling s**ks. I think I want to get another cousnelor, but I'm not certain if my W even wants to (realy and trully) even be there. I've always felt she's going through the motions to keep me "happy". It just feels like a token effort with nothing sincere behind it.<P>I have told her that I need feedback. Any feedback. Negative or positive -- anything's okay. But, without some sort of communication telling me if I'm improving, I'm failing, I'm pushing to hard, etc., I cannot make the corrections. I don't feel my intuitions are accurate anymore. <P>Trust is still a problem. Surprisingly, she also sites trusting me as a problem, too. Mind you, I didn't have the EA -- SHE did! Don't totally understand that one.<P>She doesn't see that she's had an EA. She maintains the "just good friends" arguement. I read "SAA" by Harley -- wow, dejavu! -- I suggested that she read it. Taken an open mind, knowing that it is not meant to criticize, and look at is as a preventative book. She was agahst! She was resentful. After all, she didn't have an affair, so why would she read a book like this. She even questioned why I would chose a book like that if I was looking to repair and rebuild a marriage. I explained my position in a non threatening manner, but it's hard to tell if it totally got through.<P>W maintains that she has rolled back her contact with her friends, including her other sex friends. But, there waiting to see if she gets "sprung" from "jail". Great concept here. Have I been that controlling? Even she claims I was never controlling until (according to her), the more recent past. <P>I've questioned her going out of town with her other sex friends, going "out on the town" with groups of her other sex friends, etc. She claims that she WILL NOT give up her friends. Friends also include her "best friend" -- the W of the OM.<P>W is angry and resentful that I'm percieved as asking her to give up contact with other adults, people that she "needs" to have contact with since she doens't get it at home with the kids.<P>W "isn't ready" for any contact or intimacy -- kissing, hugging, sex, etc. Isn't sure when she'll be ready, if ever, again.<P>I've taken ALL responsibility for the past, and have tried to focus (and get her to focus) on the present and future. All she does is heap more on. I'm trying REALLY HARD to Plan A, but my patience has worn thin. I'm looking at the calendar to target a deadline. <P>In short -- it's hell. I'm not as hopeful as I once was. I'm certainly not as positive. I cannot continue to play the role of a patient H. The clock is ticking, and I'm tired of always having to roll over and get s*^t on everytime. Just once, I'd love to see her take some responsibility, some accountability for what's happening.<P>--keystone<P>

Sorry to ramble. You can tell I get moe angry as I let the stream of consciousness take me over. Oh well!<P>I'm shutting down and going offline tonight. I'll check in tomorrow am and see if you responded. I saw that ou were going through some problems with "notes" at work. Hope that has cleared up and you and H are back focusing on the same target --> recovery of your marriage.<P>--keystone<BR>

Hey Keystone,<P>I'm really sorry to hear about the lack of progress. Just want you to know that I will respond. I have to get ready for work right now. I had a response for you by my AOL shut off and I lost it. Try again later.<P>Hang in there a little longer.<P>Susan

back to the top...

Well, what can I say buddy?<P>My husband went to counseling today (he promoted to couples counseling now too ) Well, the point is we acknowledge the affair EA and physical. We are working hard to rebuild and communicate. And it is HARD work. His counselor said today that it could take up to a year (or even more) to really look back and see your results.<P>Now your wife does not acknowledge the affair so I guess she is not working to rebuild from it. You sound like you are a good guy and trying hard. Now, just tell me what you think about this? Is it time to shock her into reality, regardless if she will admitt to the affair or not? Does she stay at home totally and care for kids? How would she feel if you told her you were not happy and did not see any effort on her part and you were tired. Tell her she may need to prepare for how she will support herself and where she will live if things do not get better. Sometimes things have to really get to the bottom before they can come back up. I am thinking you may have to shock her into reality. I don't know, it may not work. I don't know your situation. Just a thought.<P>But, whatever happens...good luck and chin up.<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited December 14, 1999).]

Susan --<P>Thanks for the reply.<P>My fear is that the "shock" that you're suggesting would drive her away from me and toward the OM. But, since she outright refuses to see how I can see her as having an EA, who knows...<P>I was thinking lately along the lines of a "s**t or get off the pot" position. I just hate to do it with the holidays around the corner, and one of my kids birthdays within range. It's the absolute last thing I want my kids to remember for the rest of their lives. For them, I'll suck it up just a little bit longer.<P>How do you get someone to understand what an EA is? I've even confronted her about e-mails to the OM where she signed off with "I love you" and "I miss you". Another e-mail talked about "stealing time" with the OM on his birthday. She refuses to respond, except to say that she has a "friendship" and resents that I would suggest anything otherwise, particularly since it's the H of her "best friend"<P>I'm sorry, I just don't get it. What's not getting through to her?? Yet, I'm the one who is made to feel like a blithering idiot!<P>--keystone