Hello. I must start by saying it is very nice to know that there is some place on the Net to go and discuss what is going on in your life, and not have to face friends and family who see you every day. There are certain things I just couldn't tell them right now, but yet, I need help. <p>My name is Dawn, I am a newly married (8 months) mother of two (previous marriage), and I am trying hard to make things work. I got married my first time very young, knew nothing about marriage and even less about God. However, now I am learning, both about marriage and about God. <p>My new husband has the most wonderful mother who is helping me learn so much about the Bible, God, and God's plans for our lives. My problem begins with my marriage, obviously, or I would not be on here.<p>I met my husband over the internet, and we dated for two and a half years before finally getting married. I knew when we were dating that he enjoyed pornography, but he actually wasn't a very sexual person, although we did have sex occasionally. The pornography started to become a problem in my mind once I realized he would prefer to watch that and masturbate instead of actually having sex. Then his mother began teaching me about pornography and pointing me to scriptures in the bible and books, etc. to help. What I read obviously scared me to death. This has been ongoing now for about 6 months. My husband and I have had many discussions over this topic and he feels that since he has been doing this since he was very young - he is addicted to these tapes - and it is only one action, double penetration. He has amde it clear he does not ever want us to have anything to do with an additional partner, but these tapes allow him to live out a fantasy that he doesn't actually want to do. To my knowledge, and honest belief, I don't think he will ever cheat. He wants me to go everywhere with him and do everything together. We spend a lot of time together. <p>I always get upset when I know he is watching the stuff, and throw the tapes away. I must note for the record that at first when he was watching the tapes when we first met, I would watch them with him, and we would have sex with the tapes. It wasn't until I read the Bible and spoke with his mother that I realized the problem this was. It always hurt me and made me feel unattractive, but it never scared me as it does now. <p>Recently we had a huge fight over me finding out that he had purchased a tape after we discussed how much this affected me. I asked him to leave and we made arrangements for him to go home and stay with his mother for a while until we figured something else out (in a different state). But, somehow he ended up staying, yet the problem still very much exists. <p>I feel like he still has tapes and he still watched them. However, he says he does not, and I don't believe that he would lie to me, although, I am not positive. He did say that if he had the extra money he really felt he would buy one, but he is trying to put his mind on other things. His mother believes that the pornography is his way to not think about various other problems he feels he has in his life. <p>Our marriage just seems so unstable now. At times I am attracted to him and want to be sexual with him. At times, I don't even want him touching me. All other aspects of our relationship seem to be in tact, although at this moment he is not working (his mother things this may be part of the problem - and give him low self esteem). But I can't explain how much this hurts me and makes me feel not wanted. He keeps trying to explain it has nothing to do with me and it is the act that he likes to watch, but doesn't ever want to do. I have been praying constantly, however, my faith is so new and I am not that strong, so often I feel like looking around the house for tapes - or just asking him to leave. I want to make this marriage work, but at times I really feel like I just can't take it anymore. I am a very sexual person, and would like sex 2-3 times a week, he would be satisfied with 2-3 times a month. I really don't know what to do, and could use all of your prayers, for his deliverance from the addiction, and for my strength, patience and guidance. Any help, prayers, etc. would be so appreciated. Thanks,<p>Our marriage has become very rocky

My husband, too, is attracted to porno. I found out that he even bought a webcam so he could have esex with the OW. <p>Here is what I know about this. I too, was a new Christian when I met my husband. When the porno was revealed to me, I watched with him, thinking that it wouldnt get the best of me. Over the years, I would find little things, like he would throw the tape out because he felt it was wrong and then I would find another one. Or I would go online and a folder of fornication would finish downloading....he was downloading in online. Every where I turned it was there.<p>I thought that it was a reflection of me. THat here were these bimbos and then me....and Im not a size 4.....or big boobs....anyway...I thought he was using them in comparison to me and that I began to feel unloved and ignored because of them. It took him years to convince me that it wasnt about me. Men are visually stimulated and woman are mentally and emotionally stimulated. He cant help himself and its something that he needs to take to God, not you. You can hate the sin, but love the sinner. A sin is a sin.<p>On a positive note to stimulate your relationship. And this is a biggie and was very hard for me to get past, but I did. I began trying to be more sexy for him. Pretending to be interested in the tapes or whatever. I would surprise him more often by pleasing him unconditionally rather than mutually. This way he got to watch me satisfy him. Over time, this gave us more confidence in the bedroom and more adventurous too, and so far, its been enough to curb his porno desire as well as increase our intimacy. <p>It is hard to understand the porno crap. I know this. But know in your heart that he is not comparing you to them. It is strictly voyeurism. Todays society is all about this and it is perverted, but taking actions in a positive way rather than a negative way will get you better responses. Good Luck

Hi Dladymac,<p>Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you are going through this in your marriage.

From what you describe, it sounds as if your husband is addicted to pornography. I would recommend that you go to New Life Homepage Check out the "Every Man's Battle" book... I think you'll find answers to your questions regarding how to deal with your husband when he's hooked on porn....<p>Only you can decide what is best for you and your husband, but I must dissagree with TK26... I think that it would be VERY hurtful and distructive for you to 'watch' porno with your husband if your sole motive is to "win" him back... In essence, you'll just be enabling his addiction.<p>Best of luck... This "problem" is more common than you would think... especially among 'Christian' men.<p>Take care,
RIF90

Thank you both for your comments and encouragement. RIF90, I did go to New Life Ministries, and it is a wonderful site. I also ordered the Every Man's Battle book and workbook. I think he will read it with me or after men, and possibly do the work in the work book. He seems to want help, and I don't think he wants our marriage to fail, but sometimes his desire to watch those tapes must be really strong. <p>I don't know how that feels. I don't think I have ever been addicted to anything, so when this first became apparent, I was like - why can't you just stop? you don't care enough about our marriage to at least try? <p>It is a very hard situation and I am NEVER sure what decisions to make. If you could keep praying for us, it if that's not too much trouble, it would really be appreciated. <p>Thank you again!<p>Dawn

Hi Dawn,<p>I'm glad that you got the book and work book... You might want to check and see if there's a conference near you. I'd recommend you both attend a conference if you can.<p>Joe Dallas is a great speaker and he really does an excellent job of explaining the addiction of pornography.<p>I'll be praying for you and your husband... Hang in there and please understand that your husband needs your support... 'preaching' to him won't do any good... If he's like I was, I'm sure that he hates what he's doing to himself and to his marriage, but the addiction is so strong that he doesn't know how to stop it. <p>Take care,
RIF90 [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

WOW... you are NOT alone! My H and I are working through his A. My H was hooked on porno, and was obsesssed with watching oral sex. I am also a very sexual person, and would love sex several times a week... It got to the point that we would have sex maybe 2 times a month! I found my H's renatal card for an adult movie store, and confronted him about it. It turns out that this was how he was intorduced to sex as a kid. His "first time" was arranged for him by a father figure with a woman that was 29 (he was 17). He learned that sex was just that...sex. No emotion was involved, just the physical act. After his first experience, he said thanks and left. What happens to a person in their childhood really does effect the person they become.<p>My H and I had watched a couple of movies together and had sex with them, too. Only I was not aware of his obsession, and would make comments that anyone who prefers movies to the real thing had problems... well, obviously that pushed him away, and he was not about to tell me that he watched them alone and masterbated!!!<p>I guess my point is that your husband NEEDS counseling... This is not a hobby, it is an obsession! My H had an A with my own sister, because she was more than willing to act like a porn star for him. It does not excuse what he did, but once he started therapy, it explained a lot! You should both be in therapy! ( my H and I are)<p>I am not saying that your H WILL have an A, but I never in my wildest nighmares thought that my H would have one -- I was wrong! Pay attention to what goes on around you... Now that I look back, the signs were all there, I just ignored them! You can tell him that he is not the only man with an obsession with porn, there are many out there (as you can tell by reading the posts here), going to therapy has cleared up a lot of things for my husband, and since this all came out, my H and I have become even closer (because I do not judge anyone for their feelings/beliefs). I have listened to him, and our love making has become very passionate (more so than when we were dating!!!)<p>The Bible is great, but I don't agree with everything in it. Trust yourself, and your feelings. Talk to your H and ask him to seek counseling! (keep praying, you never know how much it can help!), but please don't condemn him because of what is in the Bible. He needs help, and I hope you can assist him in this!<p>I wish you all the luck in the world (as someone who understands how you feel)!<p>I am not a very religious person, but I have prayed more since I found out about my H's A than ever before, I will also say a prayer for you!<p>-MC Needs Your Help
(hubby had affair...with my SISTER!!!)<p>Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
together: almost 7 years
children: 2 beautiful little girls (2 & 4)!

My husband is a sexual addict and he is now in individual counselling to deal with the issue after 14 months of me encouraging him to get some help as it was destroying our marriage and destroying my spirit.<p>I've done a lot of research on the topic of sexual addiction and as a woman, there are several resources I would recommend.
There are two books that will address the pain you are feeling when your husband is involved in sexual sin. They helped me to find the support I needed, grieve my losses caused by sexual betrayal and work toward my own spiritual growth. I am working hard on forgiving my spouse now that I see him working on this demon. These books are "Living with your husbands secret wars" by Marsha Means and "An Affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall.<p>The second resource is Setting Captives Free: Breaking the Addiction to Pornography.
The purpose of this web site is to recapture, recover, and restore to wholeness of life men and women who have been involved in pornography and sexual impurity of any kind. There are online bible studies for both husbands and wives there as well as an online discussion group. The URL for this site is http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/course/ <p>The third is Pure Intimacy from Focus on the Family. This web site provides information and scientific research on how pornography and online infidelity is damaging marriages and families. The URL for this site is
http://www.pureintimacy.org <p>Feel free to e-mail me if I can help you in any way.