I have been married for 10 years to a highly motivated and independent woman. We have had our ups and downs, but things have become alot more complicated for me. In the last 5 years she has lost her father to suicide and her mother to murder. I am in the military and have to travel alot, leaving my spouse and two girls alone. About a year ago she had to return to her country to take care of some of her mothers estate. When she returned she was very distant to me and spent alot of time chatting online with friends and family. I came across an email that made me suspicious. When I confronted her she laughed and told me I was being ridiculous. I could see how I was jumping to conclusions and accepted her explanations. Ever since then she thinks I have a way to get into her email and check on her. Earlier this year her friend took her on a cruise to help her get away from everything that was going on with her family. I was deployed again but having a hard time with the fact that I might be loosing the one I love, and was able to come home early. When she returned, she was upset that I had come home early. Suspicious again I did find her password and read her mail. I feel bad for invading her privacy, but my fears were found to be real. I found a picture of her kissing a younger guy from the cruise and email talking about another. I confronted her with the info I had found and once again she had explanations. She did admit that she met a guy who made her feel special, something that she says I never gave her. I asked if she loved me and says she can't say she doesn't. We have talked about our relationship and I know it is in jeopardy. She wants me to leave for a while so she has time to be alone and find herself. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce, (yet) but doesn't know what she wants. Since then I have deployed again and have been gone for a month. I don't know what to do or what to think. When I am away I can't think, concentrate, and basically function. I spend alot of time wondering why, what really happened, will it work out? Although she said she never slept with the guy, I don't really know if I believe her. She has said alot of things that make me think different. To be honest I don't know if it would make a difference, but I can't handle the unknown. I want us to seek counseling but she doesn&#8217;t want to fix it right now. She wants time to help herself. I love her and want to wait and work things out, but I feel like I am being used until she knows if something will become of the other. I feel my love is real but don't know if I can handle being gone for a month to come home to live in my basement. Is their hope? Am I pressing her too much? Why won't she seek help with me? What does she really want and think?<p>Lost

I am afraid that you have major problems. You are gone a great deal of time and your wife refuses to go into counseling. In all likelihood she probably has had affairs indicated by her attitude. The fact that she wishes to separate to "find herself" in reality is to allow her to play the single life again and enjoy herself with others knowing that you will be her safety net if things do not work out. She refuses counseling and is planning to separate from you and you being absent is a tremendous problem.
There is an old saying "no consequences to her behavior = no motivation to change. I am afraid you will have to utilize a tough love approach.
It already seems that she is living a single life. I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself and find out what your legal and financial obligations will be under various options. I wish you luck.

Hi Citydweller,<p>Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you are hurting... I know what you're going through.<p>I was in the military when my wife had all of her A's and being deployed while you 'know' that this is going on back home is really hard.<p>There is hope. My wife and I are recovering and getting better each day. We've still got a long way to go, but I can honestly say that I'm glad that I didn't listen to my CO, the Chaplain, and everyone else in my chain of command when they told me to just dump my wife.<p>You are in a very confused, tormented state of mind right now...which is even more painful if you are deployed.... I would suggest that you NOT make any rash decisions right now about divorce. <p>Have you read all of the articles here on the MB web site? If not, then read, read, read. Then go back and read some more. I'd also recommend getting the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. This book will help explain what's going on right now and for me, it really showed me that my feelings were 'normal'.<p>Keep reading and let us know how you're doing.... if you want to e-mail me, you can reach me at RIF90@msn.com<p>Take care,
RIF90

Well I have been doing alot of reading and pondering. Today I talked to a counceler and it didn't help much. After my session with the C I went and talked to my w. She finally came clean and admitted she had an A. I don't know what to do. I have so much HATE inside for what she has done, but I don't want to put all the blame on her. But when its all said and done, she let it happen! I still love her, but can I trust her again? I don't want to give up on 10 years of my life. I don't want to put my girls through the pain if we can work it out. She still wants time away, feels like I'm driving her away by being here. I guess I will try to find another deployment I can go on for a couple of months. Part of me wants to just end it all and do the big D. Just don't know if I can be happy with her again.
Still lost [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Your wife sounds like a piece of work. My H is in the military, and has been gone for as long as three months -- yet HE was the one who had an affair, not me. We are trying to get through it. Don't let her tell you that you being gone is the reason she had an A -- when my H was gone it NEVER even crossed my mind! <p>Everyone else here will have better advice than me, so keep reading.<p>Good luck!<p>-MCNYH

CD,<p>I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain over all of this. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling right now.<p>Right now, you are angry and hurt. Now is NOT the time to make any decisions regarding divorce. I can tell you from first hand experience that it's also NOT the time to go on another deployment (that is if you can get out of it...) Talk with your CO and let him know that you are having family problems. You may also want to get the chaplain involved. You have a 'crisis' in your marriage right now and you aren't going to be able to focus on your mission if you deploy. It's not fair to yourself, your family or your unit if you "run away" on another deployment... the problems that you have in your marriage will still be there when you get back and they might even worsen while your away...<p>I know that the news of your wife's A has wounded you deeply and that right now, at this moment, you probably don't see any possible way for your marriage to get any better. Your marriage CAN get better. You CAN learn to trust each other once again. You CAN have the marriage that you've always wanted.<p>It's going to take a lot of hard work and lots of time, but it is possible.<p>It sounds like you and your W have started in the right direction in seeking counseling. Not sure if you are overseas or CONUS, but I would expect that there are more marriage counselors in CONUS than overseas... keep going to MC!!! <p>You should both read all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... Keep going to counseling. Let your chain of command know that you are having marriage problems (I know what you're thinking, I'm not going to tell anybody about this!)... You aren't the first guy in the military that this has happened to and I'm pretty sure that your C of C will support you.<p>Hang in there and don't make any quick decisions... <p>Take care,
RIF90

CityDweller,
Rebuilding is right, tell C of C. Wait a few weeks, read everything you can on this site and get the book "Surving An Affair" ( from this site or bookstore near you.) Then and only then, start to consider what you will do. Gather intellengece first BEFORE you do anything. <p>Come here and vent when you need to, also to get support. After you have read what you can, ask specific questions. But read first, there is much for you to know.
Many others have done what you have to do, You can do it too. Good luck,
SS

Thanks for all the advice; it’s just so hard right now. I really don't want to go anywhere, but the w does not want me around. She wants to separate... be away from each other. Says its so she knows what she feels inside, because right now she doesn't feel anything. All she wants to do is work, work and work. She is starting a new lingerie business so she spends all her time hob nobbing with all the pretty people. What I hate the most is her friend! She has been a great support to her, but I feel that because of her and her life style my W sees a whole new material world out there. I don't know.. I don't understand why I want to make her happy after she treated me like this. I happen to think I am a loving and caring S. Why should I have to leave and be by myself when she is the one that screwed up! My CO is more than willing to work with me. I don't have to go anywhere till Aug. But they will find some where to send me if I need to get out of town. My W will not see Counseling with or without me. Eventually she will but not now. Has anyone done the counseling over the phone. The W tells me that if I stay around she wants to just divorce so she can have her space and be alone. (w/out me) I just don't understand... I know I could find someone else, maybe someone even better. I just didn't get married to get a divorce. And I don't want to put my kids throught it. Thats no way to live... The fog is getting worse and I don't know which way to go.<p>lost

CityDweller,<p>First, let's get a few things straight. You need to get your feet on the ground and really look at this situation. It seems obvious that separation isn't the answer. You have been deployeed how many times, and she still cannot make up her mind?? Nuts! is all I have to say to that.<p>Second, she will seek a divorce if you don't separate, then invite her to leave on her own and lose her house. The real reason is that she is still having an affair.<p>Third, if she is not having an affair, she won't go to counseling, and clearly this isn't a needs issue that you can do much about, then you need to step back and really consider the famous (dear Abby or Anne Landers) question: Am I better off with her or without her?<p>Then make some moves. One, go to counseling and keep going. Two, spend as much time with your children as you can. Three, take good care of yourself, mentally and physically. Then and only then sit down and decide what YOU will do. <p>Meanwhile use Plan A, if you don't know what it is read the material here. But, most of all take YOUR time in making a decision. My thought is that if she really wanted a D, she would have filed the last time you were deployed. Also see if you can pin down who she had the affair with and who is in the picture now. A PI might be really useful right now.<p>Hang in there CD, take your time, and don't let her ramrod you into anything with her threats.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hi CD,<p>Can't add much more to what JL said... I'm really sorry that you're having to go through all of this.<p>It's so hard to let your WS go off to 'find happiness' with the OM, but if you are strong enough to do so, I think that you'll find that the WS/OM relationship won't last very long once 'reality' sets in.<p>I'll be praying for you...<p>RIF90

Ok, I wish I understood where she’s coming from and where she wants to go. Back in March she went on a cruise and it was then that she met a guy who made her feel special. Unfortunately he is a professional athlete and now every time I see the sport it makes me think of the A. He lives across the US and she says she hasn't seen him since. I don't know if it was just a one-night thing or if there was more to it. She doesn't know why she did it and that’s why she wants time alone. She wants to know if she did it because she is missing something? Looking for something else? Or if it was just a stupid mistake. I just don't want a bad example for my kids. I have thought of asking for custody but that’s jumping ahead a little. I am willing to leave and give her time to think, I just don't want to be used. I don't want to come home later to find out she sold everything and ruined my life. What can I do, I still care about her and want her to find happiness. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Its me again. I am so confused right now. Last night at about 10:30 my W got a call from her freind and wanted to go out for drinks because she is leaving for a few weeks. I know she wasn't meeting anyone, he doesn't live around here. So at 11:00pm My wife and another friend that was staying the night with us went out and they didn't get home until 4:00am. I didn't really care, I just think it wasn't right. What could they have been doing till 4 in the morning.
So this morning as we was getting ready for work I was looking for the keys to the car in her purse. In her purse I found a pic of I think Saint Marcos and a couple of prayers. With that was apic of the OM. So I confronted her and asked why she had these things, if she was praying so she would see him again. Ofcoures she got mad and blew up. I really havn't been digging to find stuff, I did at first but what good is it going to do me now? I already know she had a PA what more is there to know. I am losing any desire to save this marriage. I feel like staying home amd if she wants to divorce she can move out! I would like it to workout but how much more can I hold out? I still love her, how can she just not feel anything after 10 years?<p>Lost and confused

Citydweller,
You are starting to make many of the mistakes that make things worse instead of better. <p>You need to learn some things before you really mess things up. Now, if all you want is Divorce. Just do that, don't read any further.
If you want a chance at saving M, Start reading here.
Wat's Guide<p>If that makes sense and helps you see what is happening, and you want to go on, re-read JL's post to you on this thread and then if you feel you are understanding - go here for more info.
NSR's links to info about plan A and B<p>Look, whats happening to you has happened to almost everyone on this site. Some come apart and don't learn to deal with it. Some have reacted properly and saved their marriages. Some marriages can't be saved. BUT, there is a right way and a wrong way. Please maximize your chances. <p>Remember, we just want to help, we are trying to help. Please pay attention and accept it as help. <p>SS

OK, here are what I see as my options.
One, get out of town for awhile and let her miss me. (hopefully)
Two, stay in town and show her I care (because I do) and spend time with my girls, but find somewhere else to live.
Three, Stay at home and if she wants to seperate let her find a place to go. <p>I feel if I did the later she will just go for the divorce and get her space. I tested this one already and she said She would be out by the end of the month if I didn't find a deployment to go on, and be gone for several months.
To be honest I really love her and care about her. I do hate what she did and am trying to deal with the pain it has caused. But I want her to be happy. Sometimes I think if I go things will work out in the end. Then I think and wonder if It would be wronge and look as if I am leaving her. I have done alot of reading and have been trying to use plan A but its hard when she doesn't want me around. So maybe Plan B is the answer. Maybe I'm loosing the desire to fix things. I guess I will never know what the right thing to do is.
Thanks for all your support and advise. I just wish she understood the pain I feel when she doesn't want to try to fix things.
CD

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>Three, Stay at home and if she wants to seperate let her find a place to go.
CD</strong><hr></blockquote><p>BINGO<p>If YOU leave and she does seek divorce, she can use that against you on the grounds of abandonment. Reread what Just Learning wrote you. He gives awsome advice.
Keep reading and learning especialy about plan A/B. You are nowhere close to starting plan B. Don't give up hope on saving your marriage. There is hope!!! I too was in your shoes and by the grace of God and alot of hard work things are way better now than before.<p>I am praying for you right now!!!<p>Still Hurts<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</p>

As hard as it is, try to evoke memories of good times together so that she can remember all of the times you were there for her. And, it will be hard.

I have tried to bring out the old pictures of travels and holidays. She won't really stop and look at them with me. I think it is guilt and confusiion that makes her not want to feel things for me.
I have been out of town for 4 days now and I am having such a hard time by my self. I sit in my room and I start to imagine them together. Everything makes me think of the A. Music, videos, lovers on the street. Last night I tried to go out, but every young kid I saw hitting on a girl or girl flirting with guys mad me more and more upset.
I was happy yesterday. She called just to ask me to call the girls while she was out. She had a girls party with some friends. That night she called twice for what seemed to me to be no reason. Last night she had the kids call, then we talked a bit. She seemed to be rather cold and short. After we hung up, I got on line and found her online so we chatted alot more. She is stressed with the kids and tried to make me feel guilty because she is the one taking care of them. And I have it easy by going away. The only reason I volunteered for this trip is because she wants space. It ended up to be a good chat. She expressed how confused she was about her feelings. She brings up something that happened to her when she was about 8 or 9, but won't come out and tell me what happens. I think she was molested. She just says she shut everything out when it happend so she can do it again now. I tried to tell her she needs to talk about these things and get them out. Its not good to keep it all locked up inside. She gets up set when I start to push her to seek professional help.
Things are so wierd.... We have had sex, but at my first attemtps she didn't want to. she felt guilty being with me after what she did. I have this need to touch her and make her feel good. Now with the time alone I wonder if she liked to be with him more than with me. I feel anger and think I don't want to even try. Why should I? I could find a woman that wants to be with me. I hate what she did,why do I want to try?
Has anyone done counseling with dr Harley?
Still hurts, you said to let her leave, but what happens when she does leave. She will be more upset and with her pride and strong headed ways she may not come out of the fog. I'm happy things are working out for you. <p>CD

Comparative analysis will get you nowhere. Before you met here, even for the first time... you were aware that she had dated, had maybe had sex with other people. But you fell in love with her and married her anyways. <p>When you first had sex, the very first time with her, did you wonder how you measured up to former lovers? I hope not. It's kind of like that now. My wife was involved in an affair that went for about 8 months. Now that I know, I feel almost challenged to have superheroic sex with her... to prove myself? <p>Ultimately though, I remind myself that sex doesn't hold marriages together... love does. And sex can be an expression of love or lust. If sexual fulfillment is a need of hers, you'll certainly need to hit it, but without love, what's there that's worth holding onto? <p>I would take her confusion as a good thing. Be as loving and supportive as you can. When she vents, let it roll off you like water off a duck. Seek self-understanding where possible and support where needed.

citydweller,
I strongly believe that seperation is a last resort. The only way to work on the marriage is if you are together. She said that she is the one that wanted to seperate and she wanted you to leave. Only if she insist on seperation, then she should leave. If you leave you could possably lose everyting. I suggest that since she is struggeling with the kids and has had a small taste of being "on her own" tell her that you want to come home to help.<p>
SH

Remember that in a divorce, ownership is 9/10s of the law. If you leave, you'll also incriminate yourself, because why, if she were in the wrong would she stay? Just tell her you won't go; it's your place. She messed up so she leaves. Or she can stay if she wants, whatever.