I'm new to this whole forum/ chat-room experience.
My husband and I dated for 8 years before getting married. We were married for 7 years when he told me that he was in love with a young and beautiful girl at work. This office flirtation went on for 9 months before he told me. I and everyone else DO believe him when he says that it was not physical. But he did want to marry her. Six months before this OW started at my H's company, he fell into a crisis, dealing with his parents. It made him distant and angry - wanting to escape. Three months before the OW, he sincerely declared to acquaintances that he was happily married. A month before the OW, he told me that he was falling in love with me all over again. He became obssessed with the OW and she played him to get up the corp. ladder in the company. Well, I confronted her, she confronted him, and he was fired. The company was afraid that she was going to sue them, so she got a promotion in another city and a female supervisor. I found out from his colleagues that she was also coming on to him strongly. The day after he told me about this whole thing, I kicked him out of the house.
We've been separated since, about 18 months. He says that he doesn't want to reconcile and that he's emotionally dead. She's been out of the picture for over a year now and he seems to be very angry at me. We hardly talk. I've been told that he's pining away after this OW. He never got to see her 'warts'. My interference ruined it for him. After reading how it's possible for one person to save a marriage even when the other is not intersted, I have a question. Do we have a hope at all of reconciling when he is still idealizing her, is emotionally dead because of this mess, and probably still has issues with his parents that triggered the crisis in the first place? We used to be best friends. I don't understand how he could love me one month and not the next month. What can I do?<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: billyneworleans ]<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: billyneworleans ]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: billyneworleans ]</p>

It sounds as if your husband is angry at you for loosing his job in addition to the humiliation he must have experienced having been fired.
Can you give a bit more detail on what led to his being fired? It seems very discriminatory that he was let go and she was promoted, regardless of the reason.
Also, how did they end it? Did his being fired and her being relocated cause their relationship to end? Did she end it? If not, why didn't he follow her?
I am just wondering if there is alot more to your seperation than his pining away for a year over her. Your H clearly seems unhappy. If you were best friends at one point, he may be wondering how you could have gone ahead and confronted her alone, rather than act as a couple to deal with the affair. Like I said, he probably blames you for alot of his unhappiness.
Can you give abit more information on your relationship as it stands with your husband? maybe then, someone can offer you some advice on what to do next.

Thanks Cmiranda. A lot happened. I’ll try to summarize the events…
When he first told me that he was in love, December 2000, the OW was living in another city for the winter. He knew she was coming back in March. I could have, but didn’t, confront her until March. When he told me, it was like he thought I should accept it quietly and he can go off and live happily ever after. I resented them both for making a decision to have this EA, and then my H ending the marriage and simply walking away to live this dream, not caring (not even considering) that another’s life is ruined. So I thought this girl should know what effects her actions had on my life. After confronting her, I told my H. He was furious. The OW denied any part in the EA and as a result of my confrontation, told the CEO of the company that my H was harassing her. My H was in a position of power and warned that he should stay away from the OW. I know for a fact that she was coming on hard to him. She was saying things like, “I had fun thinking about you last night.” Anyway, about 6 weeks later, the OW told my H that she was moving to a city 3 hours away for a promotion. My H, being careful now said, “good luck” and that’s it, she felt rejected. In her last week there, he made a last desperate attempt to get her to stay by buying her presents, going against his warning from the boss. She went to the boss and he was immediately dismissed, walked out, and humiliated by the revelation to the rest of the company. I suspect they kind of inadvertently dumped eachother. He was assessed by the company HR people, including a counselor who deemed him as obsessed. My H’s boss said that if they had to stand in front of a judge, they would lose. The OW played the victim and the subject was dropped. Since then, I’ve spoken to a number of people that work there, they all say my H took the fall and there were 2 playing the game. My H did blame me for his getting fired and said that I scared the OW off by telling her that he wasn’t making sense. I did tell her that he wasn’t making sense. But the OW escaped all responsibility for my H getting fired. He’s working for himself right now, struggling. He says that he can’t work for a company right now cause he’s in no emotional or mental state. Right now he’s living with his parents and struggling financially, I fought and got the house. Six months after he was fired, he saw the OW in a night club (she was here for Christmas). He approached her and confronted her by saying, “Did I F#*% harass you?” She just turned and said, “I’m not talking to you.” Later he told his cousin about this confrontation and admitted that the OW still does something for him. Unbelievable. At one point he actually thought that the OW loved him so much that she got him fired on purpose (because the company was using him) so that she could turn around and sue the company, and they can live happily ever after. Since December 2001, I’ve suggested to him to go after her. He says, “No, I’m over her.” I don’t believe him, I think his pride has been hurt and he’s afraid of being directly rejected. Through this whole thing I’ve been asking him if he thinks there is a chance we’ll get back together. Sometimes he says “who knows, but don’t wait for me”. Other times he gives a flat “No”. I don’t ask anymore. Actually, I’m afraid to speak to him at all. It’s clear that he’s messed up, everybody has noticed. He thinks that he has all the answers and refuses to see a therapist. He says that he doesn’t want a relationship with anybody cause relationships are too complex and he’s emotionally dead. I greatly suspect that this has affected him physically, impotence. Since December we’ve had about 2 longer conversations, otherwise I’ve left a couple of messages for him. He avoids me like the plague, leaving messages at numbers he’s sure I won’t pick up. About 6 weeks ago, I got a hold of him and asked a question about the OW (before I found this web site), he justifiably became furious with me and threatened to call the police. I am by no means threatening when I talk to him, I’m scared and very careful, but I guess that topic is closed. He said that if I wanted to call him up and ask him how he’s doing, that’s OK, but otherwise “get over it, that’s life”. He doesn’t have remorse but it’s clear that he’s defensive and very angry. After this blow up, I wrote him a letter and apologized for asking him that question. So, right now he’s avoiding me, says to our common friends that he doesn’t want to reconcile, but he would like to be my friend. Would he be using me, trying to reprieve himself? In the meantime, he’s living with his exceptionally defunct parents because he’s broke. He goes to the nightclubs at least twice a week. So why the heck do I want him back? Cause right now he doesn’t resemble the person I know him to be. He used to be a very nice guy, we used to be best friends. Six months before this OW started at the company, he fell into a crisis and transition of some sort. What really hurts is that even though he hardly knows this OW, she is fault-free. I have been so supportive to him over the years, his biggest fan but I can’t even compare to her. Is it hopeless? What the heck do I do?<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: billyneworleans ]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: billyneworleans ]</p>