When my H found out about my PA, he went through the emotions of wanting to kick me out, and having an affair himself. But he was strong. He has realized that he wasn't meeting my EN and is working hard to meet those needs now. He is doing a wonderful job, and I don't have a desire to see the OM now. I am 4 months preg with H's baby, and he is more involved with this preg than with the other 3 that we have had.
We just had our 14 anniversary, and he planned a mini vacation for us. He has never planned anything like this before, and he did a marvelous job!!! We had so much fun, and some serious discussion. I was able to cry about the pain I have caused, and hopefully have started the healing process also.<p>I am concerned though. He is still moody, and milling over the contacts, amt, time, comparing himself to OM often. I keep reassuring him that there is no comparison, and that he is the one I want to be with. He seems to need sex often for reassurance. Is this normal?? I enjoy it, but it seems like a crutch...<p>He is doing so well in meeting my needs, and I feel so much less stress and burdens in our marriage. I am trying to meet his needs of encouraging words and physical touch. <p>How long does it take to heal?? Will he ever trust me again?? He says he's afraid I will run off again for another PA, but I told him as long as he is meeting my needs, there is no reason for me to go looking.<p>Greatful for the second chance,
Longlegs

Congratulations on your recovery so far. I am asuming that since you've been a poster since 2001 that you've read Surviving An Affair.<p>If you have I am puzzled by a couple of comments you made.<p>You told your H that as long as he was meeting your needs you would not have another PA. Harley states that the reason affairs happen is NOT because EN's were not being met. Lack of meeting EN's can make conditions favorable for someone to have an affair; however it's still not the cause.<p>Affairs happen because the wayward person fails to protect him/her self from having an affair. Affairs are their weakness similar to alcohol being a weakness of the alcoholic.<p>Until you are able to communicate to your H how you will behave differently should another opportunity present itself for an A; I doubt he will feel much peace; let alone recovery. CSue

I agree with the previous poster that your comment to your husband that as long as your
needs are being met you will not have another affair is disturbing. It sounds extremely selfish and can be interpreted by your husband to believe if things are not going well at any time in your marriage that you will feel justified in seeking out another man to have sex with. What if the roles were reversed. How would you feel if your husband said to you what you said to him. You should be happy that he decided to forgive you but instead you make this threatening comment that as long as you are happy you will not seek out another man. I would not be pleased if I was your husband.
Did you practice safe sex with your lover? Is their a possibility that your husband may not be the father? I would imagine that your husband may be thinking of this.
I would suggest that you tell him you will never under any circumstances have another affair and that you would communicate with him or leave before you would ever consider it. I think your husband will now believe that he feels he is walking on egg shells for fear that you will have another affair if all of your needs are not met. I think your statement will cause you a lot of trouble in the future and it is very insensitive and disrespectful to your betrayed husband.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I see that now. Yes, the EN were not being met for a very long time, but I had given up that our marriage would change. I need to make a choice to communicate that I will stay with H and let him know when I'm feeling low. I stopped doing that before PA, because I felt he just didn't care anymore.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I agree. Thanks for the comments.
I have been tested thoroughly, and there are no STD's. This child is definately H's, because PA stopped before I got pregnant, and OM had a vasectomy. I was so worried about both of those things.<p>Thank you for pointing these out to me. Yes, I do sound very selfish, and I see what you mean by that. Yes, I will communicate to him that I would never have another PA or EA without letting him know, or leaving first.<p>Thanks for the reassurance, and yes, I am so truly greatful for his forgiveness. I have asked for his forgiveness also, but I still struggle with not feeling very remorseful. Is this normal???<p>I don't want to loose him, or our family unit. I don't want to be a single mum. I don't want to live with, or marry the OM. Our marriage communication levels are much deeper now than ever before, and I plan on making that work from my side as best I can.<p>Keep up the good advice!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Longlegs

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You told your H that as long as he was meeting your needs you would not have another PA. Harley states that the reason affairs happen is NOT because EN's were not being met. Lack of meeting EN's can make conditions favorable for someone to have an affair; however it's still not the cause <hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I would suggest that you tell him you will never under any circumstances have another affair and that you would communicate with him or leave before you would ever consider it. I think your husband will now believe that he feels he is walking on egg shells for fear that you will have another affair if all of your needs are not met. I think your statement will cause you a lot of trouble in the future and it is very insensitive and disrespectful to your betrayed husband.
<hr></blockquote><p>Sorry, I'm still getting the hang of these UBB code thingy's<p>Longlegs

I am pleased that you were not angry with me about my advise. It really sounds like you are committed to your marriage. I believe your husband will truly appreciate your new comments.
I am happy that there is no problem with the pregnancy and STD's. Again I am just trying to prepare you for the various things you husband may say or be thinking. How will you respond to him if he asks you why you did not use protection with the OM and were willing to put his health at risk for std's?
I wish you good luck and again congratulations on the pregnancy. Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions from your husband.
I can only guess the reason you feel little remorse may have been because you thought the marriage was really over. I would guess the remorse will begin to kick in when you constantly see the pain of your husband. Remember you really have no idea what he is feeling unless you can imagine the roles being reversed.
It sounds to me like you are going to be fine. I wish you luck.

Longlegs,
I'm glad you listen to the previous posts on the issue of what caused the affair.<p>As to the issue of how long will it take for your H's recovery of trust. I believe that it varies. Although I have no proof I think there is a stong correlation between recovery time and the number of lies ( both ommission and commission) you told while covering your tracks. Some WS's admit to the A soon after first questions start others lie for years.<p>Are there any other EAs or PAs in your past? If so this will string out recovery.<p>How long after DDay did it take you to ask for your S's forgiveness. Long periods of rationalizations cause longer recoveries I believe.<p>Lastly each individual is different as to forgiveness and how well they deal with stress. Some people shrug it off immediately others can be depressed for months.<p>As for the SF question.........it was the same way w/ me. I think I wanted it more after DDay also. Have you done an EN analysis for both of you? In your post you only mention that your H is meeting your needs. What about his needs. I think the Taker made your first post. <p>Anyway.....You'll probably find that your H has SF way up the priority list. If SF is a big EN you need to very quickly stop thinking of it in terms of a "crutch". Your big needs are probably financial security, communication and affection. Are they "crutches" also?<p>Take your marriage work you need to get the Giver and Taker in balance. Look at things from your H perspective not just yours.

BTW, what did you mean by," he is still.....and milling over the contacts, amt, time......."<p>Another thought..........keep in mind that once the WS decides on recovery they are always in a hurry to start on recovery and "move on" The BS has to go through a process as outlined by SH on his site. The best analogy I've heard is the one that compares a BS to a airline crash victim. The victim wants to tell and tell and retell the story. They go over it in their mind over and over again as well. They give minutia of what they were doing up to the minute of the crash. So WS's need to be patient and don't hurredly say "let's move on." Also hopefully all the info on the A is out in the open because further lies even if they are from the past just delay the recovery.<p>I wish you luck.

cwmac:<p>"Anyway.....You'll probably find that your H has SF way up the priority list. If SF is a big EN you need to very quickly stop thinking of it in terms of a "crutch". Your big needs are probably financial security, communication and affection. Are they "crutches" also?"<p>This is an excellent point. My W and I had awesome SF EVERY DAY for a week and a half after D-day (the kind that's exhausting to both of us [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ). Our normal was probably about 2 or 3 times a week before that, unless we were working hard, when it might be once a week or two. But my W still questions me when I say that SF is more than just plumbing to me, it's a very intimate emotional thing, or it's nothing. So, though she hasn't used the term "crutch" I bet she would if she thought of it. So this comparison with other ENs and their validity is a good idea. I'm interested to hear what the answer to this question is.<p>I've also read that it may take a couple of years for the BS to recover from the betrayal. If so, I've got about a year and a half to go. Plan A isn't so hard now as it was 5 months ago, or even 2 months ago, but I'm not ready to rest on my laurels yet, either. My W sounds very much like longlegs here, in that she doesn't think much about her A and how serious an impact it has had on our family and OM's family (though OMW tossing OM out on his keester has shot a dose of reality into that bubble recently!). WSs want to get past the past and on to the future. BSs want to understand the past to feel confident there's any future.

Hi there,<p>Hopefully, my input here won't get anyone too upset....<p>Long Legs sounds much like my husband....thought that the M would never get better so therefore have little remorse about the A and my H has done a crummy job of persuing forgiveness and appologizing.<p>Here is my trouble with the Harley concept...not really with the concept, but the way that many WSs seem to percieve it. They say....Aha...my EN's were not being met so I had the A. The truth, more often than not is that ENs were not being met on either side, and one spouse chose to have an A. Before, during, and after the A - my Hs ENs are far more important than mine, mine are still unaddressed and I bend over backwards to meet his. I suppose this sets me up for an A? I wouldn't, however, I was "set up for an A" at the same time he was - many months ago, I just vaulued my vows more than he did.<p>Sorry to upset anyone, it is just what I see here again and again, and I see it in my own backyard.<p>Thanks for listening
SpyWife

Spywife, I agree with you and I'm a fws. If I have to hear the old 'spouse wasn't meeting my needs' crap again I think I'm going to hurl.
It is a choice we make. You know, I caused the damage, I need to fix it, I can't figure out why it's always up to the bs to put it back together again. I love the way longlegs seems so happy about having an A and how her husband is kissing her azz but he needs sex. God forbid the man have any needs of his own.
And by the way longlegs, all om have had a vasectomy!

Soywife,
Your situation sounds similar to mine. All the great recovery stories involve the WS really making a visible effort. What are you doing to handle this? I could sure use some advice. My H only cut off contact about a month ago and prior to that day was still rationalizing the whole thing and now goes back to how very unhappy he was with me and my behaviors. He doesn't know if he can ever be in love with me again. And what about me?? After what he did..but I CHOOSE to try and repair, meet ENs etc. Very hard to get him to understand the concepts. He has only gone to two counseling sessions and is delaying going again. I am dedicated to working on this as I know in my heart it is the right thing and that we can be happy, but I am getting bogged down. Any advice from you all would be appreciated.

SpyWife,<p>I agree with part of your comment. I agree that too many WS's use the EN's issue as a rationalization of their behavior, the A. However SH is the first to point out that many spouses don't have their EN's met and yey only a fraction choose the road to an A. I wish I could tell you the exact location of this info but I don't have time to search but it's there. Check in the EN's section.

Anne6263,<p>>All the great recovery stories involve the WS really making a visible effort.<p>I agree, and at times mine talks the talk, but I am not seeing much action.

>What are you doing to handle this? <p>I guess that I don't have any good advice. I moved out very shortly after finding out. Mine was into alot deeper things than one A. So I have required him to seek counseling for that. We are going to counseling together, but it isn't going well at all.<p>I suppose all we can do, is try and show that we are here for them if they want to fix it, without being a doormat.<p>It hasn't been long since mine cut off contact also....and I'm still a wreck. I have though made big progress in accepting that this is his problem and taking a look at my codependence and fixing me.<p>Mine still rationalizes, and likes having his needs met but just can't agree to my ENs until I do more. It stinks. It seems like I have been more than gracious by my willingness to work it through and go on.<p>Best wishes and peace to you,
SpyWife

Nothing pisses me off more than when my wife says that she had her affair because of me. I always have to take a deep breath, divert the emotion, and calmly state the fact that it was a choice she made to have the affair and that there are a million times a million ways for a spouse to communicate unhappiness without going to another man.

Lyxa - Maybe she means she did to hurt you, because she could find no other way. Some people develop poor relationship skills, maybe due to the parents they have as role models. They are typically conflict avoiders and will go about getting their "revenge" in other fashions. Usually with self destructive behavior that ends up hurting them just as much as the intended "victim". <p>longlegs - I am going thru some of the same things you are. My H has certain triggers that make him go off the deep end. I am going to have to stop telling him when my boss is not in the office I think, that seems to be one of them. This is another thing I struggle with, I don't want to be hiding information. I've tried bringing things up to my H, and he always gets tense and defensive. He told me he wanted to know if I found out any knew information about OM. I told him when I found out he had moved (he was my bosses financial advisor, so she got a letter from him). As soon as I approached the subject, I could feel the tension, his body stiffened and he wouldn't face me. When I told him that he'd moved, he started ranting about how he probably moved because he's afraid of getting his [censored] kicked by him (my H), I had to listen to a tirade of speculations about why he moved. I thought the information would relieve him, due to him not dealing with my boss anymore... <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He says he's afraid I will run off again for another PA, but I told him as long as he is meeting my needs, there is no reason for me to go looking. <hr></blockquote><p>My H asked me this, and I apparently gave the wrong answer. I told him I no longer had a desire to do that. I am betting your answer was not settling to him either...<p>We also had sex A LOT right after D-day up until recently. Now he works nights, and it is not as easy. He too used it as some sort of validation tool. One night I was tired and grumpy, suffering from major PMS. I was tired of the barrage of sexual requests from him, and did not respond as nice one night. He flew off the handle, I was back with OM in his mind. It turned into a huge fight that later on he admitted was not necessary. He said that if I turn him down at all it triggers him. We agreed that he needs to be a little more tolerant to the fact I might not be having a great day, and I need to work on sensetivity, ie: being much more compassionate to his feelings when telling him "not now". <p>I hope sharing some of what I am going thru helps you. Sometimes it helps to hear that others are going thru the same thing.

When you reveal new or additional, previously-unrevealed information, I would suggest having a 3rd party there. I would have never made it through D-Day if it had just been my wife and I. She confessed to our bishop. Our bishop told me. Now, I know everything and because I heard it this way, I'm more inclined to trust her because I trust my bishop. <p>If that isn't an option for you, either because you aren't religious or your church deals with these things differently, do it with a counselor. Another suggestion is to do it over the phone. Sometimes when I talk with my wife, I feel inclined to rant and rave because there is so much hurt inside and I want to hide it, but I also want her to know how much it hurts. If you are talking by phone, you can always say, "I'm sorry this hurts you, but I think you need to know. We can hang up and talk later when you're more calm. I'm trying to be honest with you in telling you these things. What do you want?"<p>Jokingly, we've talked about putting another phone line in our house, so that we can be in different rooms and talk on the phone.