I am sure some of you might not want to help me but I would first like to say that I have already gone to God and asked his forgivness. My husband is in the Navy and on a ship. He went out for a 6 month deployment. Durring the Deployment I ended up sick no one knows what happen the Dr. ran every test and could not find any thing. While he was on the deployment he met a woman off his ship they started to hang out with each other always going to bars and drinking. He soon forgot calling me when he would get into port. (She is also married). When he got back he kept telling about his new best friend. I felt like it was an affair, he kept saying it was not. He would not give up the friendship with her.We had to go places with her and her husband even when I did not want to. They all drink I don't. When they would drink she would hang all over my husband and kiss his neck and just flirt with him. A few months down the road I could not take it any more. One night she cussed me out in front of my children and husband and said I was not good enought for him.( I have always felt that way ). I was raped at the age of 11 so I have never felt good enough for any man. He said he would end the friendship with her but never did. He left me saying he did not love me any more. Then came home same day saying he was sorry and would get rid of her.2 weeeks later, He went out to sea for 2 weeks. He was in a bra with her. this was all in a years time. I decided that i needed to find some one who loved me and wanted to bed with me. I ended up have an affair. It last only a month and then it was over. Husband was hurt. Other woman stayed in his life. So I ended up have another affair that lasted only 2 weeks. This time Husband left and went to live at other womans house (her husband lives there also). Today after a month of him living at her house he moved into a condo for 6 months. He always tells me he loves me but is not sure he wants to be with me. then he will say he wants to be with me and our children. He flip ,flops all the time. I am not sure if I should just get over him and move on. I love him very much and we have been married for 15 years. I have not been in contact with the 2 men. it has been a month and a half since I last talked to either of them. The one called but I gave my cell phone to my husband ( we were walking out of counseling) and he told the guy to leave me alone. I was very upset that the guy called in the first place.I am in personal counseling and we are in marriage counseling. We have been told that we both crossed the line but he only sees it that I did. I am trying to do what ever it take to get him back but I don't know what to do. I let him read all my emails, I stoped using the cell phone, I share any info he wants. I Want my husband back!!! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Hi G,<p>Welcome to MB. NOt sure why you think we would not welcome you but if you came here to learn and be helped, you have come to the right place. <p>Have you read the basic concepts section located at the top of this page? It will acquaint you with what we learn here from the Harleys. There are also books that go into more details such as surviving an affair and his needs /her needs. <p>You are both in counseling? This is a good thing. Your H's recovery path may be different from yours but if your counselor is good, he or she can identify and work with both your recovery paths. <p>For now, work with your counselor and learn how you can improve yourself. You have both lost respect for each other. You need to both earn that respect and individually put value back into your family. <p>take care, read and post back your thoughts. <p>L.

Geosblondeone, you have certainly endured some pain. Of course, you are welcome here.<p>First of all, don't accept the lie that you are not good enough. Perhaps your counselor has already addressed this with you--being raped at 11 years old is a horrific tragedy and you did not deserve it. It left a scar on your life and possibly a "mark" that made you vulnerable--it's like some people can just "see" it written on you and they take advantage of that.<p>Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, please get help from your counselor (preferably female) to work through these issues. They will really help to sort out your sexuality and overcoming falling into the victim role.<p>Your H claims he wants things back but obviously is being selfish by keeping contact with OW. Don't let that stop your marriage from healing. Work on loving yourself and seeing if there is hope for your relationship with H before making any major decisions.<p>Please forgive yourself for the 2 As...they are in the past and today is not the past. Today is a brand new day even if it might contain pain. It's a day to love yourself and seek healing and search for some blessings in your life. It's a day for hope. It's a new day for love--self-love, love of your family, love of your friends, love of life.<p>Good for you for breaking contact with the OM. Keep up the good work.<p>We are so glad you posted and hope you will keep coming back. You will find a lot of support here.<p>I only visit on occasion now so I offer you my email address if you want to "talk"--there are a lot of strong people who post daily here and will support you well, too. <p>Please be encouraged that you are taking the steps to recovery quite naturally and wonderfully. All the best to you!<p>Fresh Start
buildnewlife@yahoo.ca

Thank you for the Welcome into the group.It is a funny thing my H is the one who first got me on this site. We have the book his needs/ her needs. A friend of our was reading and said it helped them. My H at first wanted to do some of the stuff and read the book before i did. My H can be controling at time so I thought it was one of his new thing. I gave it a shot. Now i am the one who comes here and he does not. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I am in personal counseling ( with female counselor who deals with this kind of abuse and goes around the US doing workshops for surviors)for the abuse I went through has a child it left a bigger impact on my life than I had first though. I thought it had nothing to do with my life now. It was 20 some thing years ago, but I guess because it was a family member and it happen almost every day for a year and late my mother blamed me. I just carried it around with me from relationship to relationship. Most of the men I have been with were also abusive to me. This is my 2 marriage. the fisrt one I was 16 He was a nice guy but a Mama's boy and she no longer wanted us together so I took out child was the bset mother I could be. ( she is now 20 and does not drink,do drugs, goes to church and is very loving)I married this H when I was 22 He was also a Mama's boy. Any how We are in Marriage counseling, I have my 2 little ones in counseling, we also do family counseling, So I spend 3 night a week in counseling. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I like the counselors we have, the only thing I don't like is how H is still acting like the OW in his life is just a very Good friend. It is not like that if you say you rather be with her than your W. Yike getting off track. Thank you the welcome and the email address. mine is blondiespals@msn.com please keep me in prayers
P.S. I have been in the personal counseling and have accepted that the rape was not my fault and I did not want it. I am working on the anger with mom part of it ( little hard she is dead) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi g-just wanted to add my welcome. I am new, and only here now and then ,but I am learning a lot just by reading. I also want to encourage you to get and read the book Surviving an Affair from this site-it is helping me a lot. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction, and I'll be praying for you. As a survivor myself I can attest to the impact it has on your life, and I wish you well in learning to treat yourself gently and with love. You deserve it.

Hi, G. Thanks for your email address, too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are definitely on the right track to insist H drop all contact with OW. She can never be a friend. So hard for the WS to see it--I know because I was the WS in our situation. Once in awhile even after more than a year since d-day, I get this crazy notion that it would be "nice" to see Om--then my brain kicks in and I remember OM is no friend of mine and never was. <p>Glad you are in counselling--boy, LOTS of counselling! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But that's great that you are including the whole family and all journeying together toward wellness. So glad your D is doing good, too.<p>Lots of people "lurk" here (read but don't post) and I bet lots of them are already praying for you. Keep hanging in there!

I went to counseling last night. It was my personal counseling. She told me I am doing really well and moving along great. I told her that is because I want it!!! I want to be a whole person. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] My H keeps saying in our marriage counseling that he is not happy and has been unhappy for the past 9 years. He is putting the blame on me. His OW and his Family let him get away with it. But I am not going to he is unhappy becuase of him self!! I am getting to be happy. I am sure that will drive him crazy. I am learning that happiness comes from with in your self. I needed to clean out all of this stuff from my past so i could be happy. I guess now he is going to have to work on himself. Because I am working on me. If he thinks he is going to find happiness with OW then amybe he should think about this, she is still married to her H if she wanted my H she would have already left her H. She drinks all the time and forgets what she did , she has been married several times and in still in her late 30's her only friends are men. He hated that I was talking to an old high school friend who was a male. How will he be happy with her?