My husband and I recently completed the emotional needs survey from the Fall in Love, Stay in Love book. We have been married 14 years with 1 son, who is 3. My question here is he identified sexual fulfillment as one of his top 5 needs. He also identified physical attractiveness as one. Here is the problem. I am overweight and have been for 10 or 12 years. I always thought he was o.k. with this until I read his survey and found out that he is pretty much repulsed by my appearance. How can I work on the sexual fulfillment need when I feel so horrible and self conscience about my body? I am working on losing weight and exercising but I still have a long way to go. What do I do in the meantime? Anyone had this experience? Thanks.

Hi bravegirl-(great name!)
I just wanted to let you know I can relate, but unfortunately I can't think of good advice. I am carrying babyweight from two pregnancies, and I know it makes me feel bad about myself, as well as turning off my H. I will be watching this space for advice too!

bravegirl,<p>What I am going to say is going to sound soooo trite. But, here it is anyway. You know he has SF as a top need. You know he doesn't find you particularly attractive. You can address both of these issues with... honesty.<p>What do I mean? Well, first simply tell him that you would enjoy or like (if this is true) to make sure he has SF. In fact you would really enjoy it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Tell him that you have received the message about the weight and you will do something about it, but before that happens can you and he work on the SF need?<p>Sounds like a typical male talking doesn't it. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Well, I am, but I do have a point here. The two biggest turn on's to a man are a woman that WANTS to be with him, and a woman that ENJOYS being with him. An enthusiastic partner is a hugh turn on.<p>Now, let's discuss the weight a bit. He wants an attractive partner, that doesn't mean he is really repulsed by you. My bet it has more to do with actions. Further, my bet is that you don't have to look like a refugee from a prison camp. Most men like a little meat on the bones, especially as they mature and really learn to enjoy women.<p>So, in a nutshell address these issues with a simple thing: honesty. Don't tell him how hurt your are, he probably suspects, don't tell him how you feel how you feel so insecure and horrible about your body. Instead SHOW him that you can or want to be part of the SF picture and further you want HIM to statisfy you.<p>Besides there is no better exercise than sex. So consider it as your approach to the second of the two issues. <p>Hope something I have said makes sense.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: I will bet you have been fairly self-conscious of your weight for the last few years. If that is so, then it is likely that it has affected how you interact with him. Remember one thing that you can absolutely take to the bank. Men, love to see, touch, and feel the female form. You are a female and you have a form, use it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I am serious. It is much more attitude than it is physique.<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

I, too, am overweight and have been ever since I met my husband. However, I have not gained but about 20 pounds since we've been married, and we've been married for 8 years. And, 20 pounds on a person my size doesn't even hardly show. I do know that he is turned on by me...even though I know he would prefer me to be 100 pounds lighter. I think he will appreciate any effort you make toward SF, and if you can get him to exercise with you, he will be appreciative that you are trying to better yourself for him. My husband and I go to the high school track...he runs, I walk and jog, and our two children play on the football field or track. We try to do this 3 times a week. Even if I never lost a pound, he would be pleased that I am exercising. <p>I am also not pleased with the way I look. I let this affect the way I felt sexually for too long. One suggestion...lingerie. They make really pretty plus size lingerie, and it's not even very expensive at Wal-Mart. My husband cannot resist the second I put any on, and not seeing the way my body looks underneath the lingerie makes me feel better about myself, too. I have learned that pleasing my husband sexually can please me, too. Also, it makes our relationship much more wonderful. <p>I hope this helps. I also posted a question on the creative affection section about different things to do whenever you are "plus size". Check it out. Maybe someone will post something to help you and me. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi!<p>There are a number of issues here, emotional and physical. For once, I will leave the emotional and relationship ones alone and deal with the physical.<p>Hurricane Sweets, I think, summed everything up very well. However, if you would like to slim down (and I advocate this more for health reasons rather than personal looks) then you CAN lose weight effectively. It takes discipline, but not as much as you think.<p>Firstly, you do need to exercise three times a week - about 1 hour each time, tops. Use a combination of weight training along with some cardio (running). You can do the weights in a gym ( I like the gym because it helps motivate me) or just as easily at home. The other key is to watch what you eat. I am not talking about dieting, forget that. But alter your diet to more healthy foods and monitor, to an extent, the quantities. Essentially, you want to be gradually burning off more calories than you take in during the day.<p>There are plenty of web sites on the internet that can give you all the detailed info you need.<p>Now genetics does play a role also, but honestly, at worst, you feel absolutely 100% better physically, emotionally and mentally. After awhile you will wonder why you haven't been doing it all of your life. And isn't it all about feeling better about yourself?<p>Good luck!

hi bravegirl
I don't post much, I'm in recovery almost 2 years now. June 29th will be b-day for me. I just want you to know....... weight has NOTHING to do with it. NO DISRESPECT INTENDED FOR THOSES WHO HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM but.... my wh had an affair with a crotch cricket who was 4'8 180 lbs. I'm 5'4 112 lbs. and he told me what someone else said to you "It was her attitude towards sex that made her sexy. Trust me. She looked like a bull dog, I'm an attractive woman and I take care of myself but I neglected him in the SF department. Looks or weight have nothing to do with it so YOU GO GIRL. Just MAKE HIM FEEL IMPORTANT.

I totally agree with the last post!!! I still need to lose some weight from my 2 kids (they are less than 2 years apart) -- Have you had your thyroid checked??? I did, and it turn out I have an underactive thyroid. They gave me pills for it, and I have lost 15 pounds in a month. <p>As far as feeling sexy... I know I did NOT feel sexy with the extra weight... (I was 40+ pounds lighter when I met my H), but since I started to lose the weight I am starting to feel better, and it shows.... My H and I have been intimate more now than ever before... and it is soooooooo much better!!!<p>Look at yourself in the mirror -- every woman is beautiful... learn to love yourself, and your H will notice the difference in you!!!<p>Good luck!
-MC needs your help

BraveGirl,
I have to say that I too have been large for as long as I could remember and hated it even more. I always thought that there was nothing I could do about it, so I accepted and accepted. I threw away every scale in our house so I could never see how really bad I was. <p>When I got married almost 7 years ago I had a 40" waist, in September I was really tight in a 46" waist pants and confortable in a 48. My wife told me that she would hold sex if I didn't go get a physical ( I didn't know that she had been complaining about my weight to her OM for some time )<p>Well, the doctor told me that I was 268 lbs and had to loose about 70 lbs over the next two years or the comming 30th bday might be one of my last happy ones.<p>That scared me - scared me more when he wouldn't even tell me my blood pressure, ekg results or colesterol... just loose weight - but how?<p>I tried not eating - but that just made me binge when I was starving, then I got major sick on those diet drugs... never again. I was so close to giving up until I remembered the Dr mentioning Weight Watchers.<p>I couldn't to to meetings with the thought of an AA meeting where you get weighed in front of everyone, or your progress is public to all participants - I was too ashamed I got to that point.<p>But I checked out their website and they actually have an online program - its even much cheaper the the real meetings. Only requires some self encouragement - and we have that - we want to win our spouses back from those pesky Other People.<p>Well - it can be done - I've lost about 106 pounds and have about 20 more to go. Its much much harder with the uncountable d days since 5/2/2002 when it all started but still... <p>But its possible if not for ourselves - but to prove to our spouses that they made the right decision to choose us over the OP.<p>Good Luck!

Since starting Plan A, I have lost 40 lbs. First was Atkins, the the D-Day induced "I don't feel like eating" diet. I'm exercising. <p>What that guy said about the two biggest turn ons is so true: being with a woman who wants to be with you and being with a woman who wants to get it on. <p>Give it some time, but in the end, for a guy sex is either going to be physical or emotional. If your husband is more into the physical, explore some fantasies and turn off the light. If he's more into the emotional, tell him how much you love him and how good it feels while you're doing it. Sex is life-reaffirming. He's your husband. Go for it.

Just putting my 2 cents in here. I am married to a beautiful woman. When I met her she was around 260lbs. I loved her for who she was. Oven the last year she has dropped to 150lbs...give or take a couple. She did this by exersizing properly and attending Weight Watchers meetings religiously. Here is where our problems start. I loved her and thought she was sexy when she was big. I love her now and still feel she is sexy. She never felt that way about herself. She loved me because she felt I accepted her for what she was. She did have hang ups about how she looked for me and that affeted our intamacy levels. Over time we our PR slowwed to a crawl and we got in the habit of just going to bed at night. I felt that she did not think that I was attractive or that she did not need me on a physical level.
I put on weight while she was losing hers. This did not help the fact that we were not being intimate. Well... she started getting attention from other men after she lost so much weight. This was a great confidence boost for her and she decided that she liked the attention. So much in fact that she acted on their advances and even persued a couple of OM.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you H might find you sexy now. You just need to start feeling that way yourself. With proper diet and exersize you will gain more confidence in yourself. Being attractive in not only a physical trait but it is a mental one also.
Start with your H by asking what he he would like. It appears that he has been honest with you about his needs. Take what he has to say in and let him know what you are willing to do to help. The more communication between you to (and a little creativity)thing should work out fine. Let him know that he is the cats meow in your world and he will reciprocate those feelings. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]