I visited this site exactly one year ago with suspicions that my husband was having an affair and everyone here was extremely supportive and helpful, but my husband would not 'fess up. Well, here I am, one year later and one week after receiving an anonymous phone call telling me that my husband had been seen at an apartment with another woman on numerous occasions. I confronted him with this information and he finally confessed. The affair had been going on for TWO YEARS, and it was his nurse (just in case any of you remember me). When I confronted him last year, she quit working for him suddenly and her name was never mentioned again.<p>This first week has been alot of talking and trying to figure out what went wrong. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me, and he broke off the affair with her on the spot. She is furious, has sent him an angry letter, and even showed up in the emergency room with chest pain when she knew he was working.<p>Quite honestly, I am still in shock although I have known this for as long as it has been going on. He just wasn't the man I fell in love with, and I continually tried to talk to him about it. I am not angry with him, I feel sorry that he felt so alone and unloved that he had to turn to someone else. I have tried to be comforting and patient, but tonight I am just sad. He went to bed very tired and I don't want to wake him up. I have Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair and I am reading it.<p>Thank you to all who read my message. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi. I an new here, so I won't be able to offer the good advice that others here can and will. I also just found out about my H's A. It only lasted a few months, and there were not emotions involved. (just sex), so I can't say I know how you feel... <p>I read SAA, and I got A LOT out of it... I hope you do too!!! <p>Keep reading and posting... others will be along soon with sound advice. Everything will work out.<p>Best of luck to you!<p>By the way, you did not mention -- are there children involved here too? How long have you been married? Has your H had any contact with her since he ended it?<p>-MCNYH

Thanks for replying, I appreciate any support I can get right now. This is the second marriage for both of us and we both have children from our first marriages but none together and since we are both in our early forties, there won't be any more kids!!! We have been married for eight years, he is a doctor and I was a nurse who decided to stay home and take care of the family with my husband's blessing.<p>I am not exactly sure how we are going to get around him never seeing her again, and I guess I will have to address that to Dr. Harley personally. They don't work together any more, haven't since last summer, but she does still work at one of the hospitals that he is at and she has his phone numbers, pager number, etc. I can't see her leaving her job, and my husband can't exactly leave his practice so we are kind of stuck with her. She's really mad at him right now and said so in a letter she gave him yesterday, so he is at least seeing her temper (that could only be a positive for me).<p>Thanks again, I'll keep an eye out for a reply.

tere38<p>I hope you are well today. Wow... two years... keep reading SAA... sounds like you are going to try counseling w/ the Harleys? I really liked my one session w/ him... but H would not agree to any... despite that H and I are back together and are 'recovering.'<p>You might post on the GQII forum... tends to be more traffic there... even on weekends... MB tends to be light on the weekend.<p>There is much good support here, but sometimes you have to be persistent in posting and bumping up your thread.<p>Good luck and welcome (again) to MB.
Cali

The very first thing I asked my H to do after I found out about his A, was to change his cell phone number -- which he agreed to, and we did. I also have access to his phone if I want to check incoming/outgoing calls! Maybe you could ask your H to do the same thing -- I know it is a pain in the butt, but this way he can give the new number out only to the people who NEED it!!! (so you won't have to worry about her calling him!!) For me it has been comforting to know that "she" can't reach him, unless she calls here... and I dare her to!<p>Going to a counselor has also done my M a world of good -- I hope you both will do it! If your H wants your M to work, he should have no problem going with you! My H said he was willing to do WHATEVER it took to fix our M, and he is doing it! <p>How far have you read in SAA? I finished mine last week, and am trying to put my new knowledge to work for me/us! (my H is also reading it -- he says it helps him understand why he had the A, and how I am feeling!) Maybe you can ask your H to read it, too? There really is a lot of usefull information in it!<p>I hope everything works out for you!<p>-MCNYH
(in case your curious about my "situation", you can check it out at "hubby had affair...with MY SISTER", if you can imagine that!!!) [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks to both of you for responding. I have been considering asking my husband to change his cell phone and beeper numbers, but he works at two different hospitals so that would make it difficult. If we have to, I'm sure he will. He is so relieved that I know, it seemed to help him break it off if that makes any sense. He says the sex wasn't even that good, it just filled a need he wasn't able to fill at home (I feel so guilty about that, but I will make it up to him). He did think that he loved her in the beginning, but he knew he didn't after a while, just some intense feelings. I am pretty sure that she loves him, and I am very sure that this was her idea.<p>The two years thing blows me away, but he told her I think from the beginning that he wouldn't leave me, so she decided to take what she could get. I am worried that she will cause trouble for him. I am also terrified because I have to leave next week for five days, and he will be here alone. He wants me to go, says he has absolutely no intention of starting this up again. We start counseling Monday evening with our pastors and they have told me that I should go and get some rest. What do you think?

TERE38 - <p>I generally post on GQII (my main thread is over there) but since things were quiet I stopped over here. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think the fact that your husband decided to end the A is very positive for your situation. As you get further in SAA you will find information about a no contact letter. Since the OW is contacting him this may be good thing to do and it can be from the both of you.<p>My WW is a nurse practitioner and is involved with her boss (Doctor). She has never disclosed the nature of the relationship (definitely EA, strongly suspect PA) and will not consider ending the relationship. Besides working in the same practice she works at the hospital where he has privaledges so if we work it out no contact will be hard to achieve (she won't consider leaving the practice right now). So as you can see many people have similiar problems, but the ending of the A by your H is in your favor.<p>I am in individual counseling along with marriage counseling. If your H is interested he should read SAA, my WW actually completed the book. I think MC is also a necessity for both of you to understand what has happened and plan a path of recovery.<p>Keep posting as you need to vent, seek advice, or cheer us up with your successes.<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: onwardandup ]</p>

Thanks for checking me out. I am very sorry for your situation, but it helps to have someone who knows what I am going through. I did go ahead and post on GQII to hopefully get a little more advice, but last year this is where I seemed to find the most support.<p>I have a feeling that this could get ugly. My husband doesn't care, he is just glad that it's over. I wonder about sexual harrassment and frankly your wife should too because the pendulem swings both ways these days.<p>We start counseling on Monday with our pastor who is a great source of support for my husband so I have a good feeling about that. I am thinking about individual counseling, maybe later.<p>Thanks again, I'll look for your posts.

Tere38 - <p>One thing I might suggest is talking with your Pastor about the MB principles of recovery from an A. Most professional marriage counselors are well versed on this type of thing (the professional advice is generally the same). I think your Pastor will be a great help since your H has a good relationship there. I just think it is important for him/her to know about the problems of continued contact and the need for the WS to provide protection to the BS. Don't get me wrong I am all in favor of using your Pastor for counseling, I just want to make sure he/she is up to date on what the experts say.<p>As for the sexual harrasment, this can be a big issue. Since the OW no longer works with your H I think this provides some safety. I would also keep a record of her contact and the letter she wrote to demonstrate her actions. If a no-contact letter is well written in response to her letter this would also be good in supporting your position if she tried this approach.

I am trying not to be too paranoid at this point, but there are so many 'What Ifs' and they attack me 24/7. I know that this will get easier as the days pass, but I keep looking for a shortcut to get me there. (Bet there isn't one!) I am going to take SAA to the meeting tonight with our Pastor and let him read over the principles. I hope he will support me in using Dr. Harley's method to get through this.<p>I am considering the 'No Contact' letter, written by both of us, but H is afraid that this will just make her angrier. I don't think she has a clue how badly that I have been hurt by this, she probably doesn't even care. I think she wanted my husband to leave me so she could leave her husband and they could be together (he told her a year ago that he would never leave me).<p>I am glad that they don't work together, but he is at the hospital that she works at every Monday and Friday and they definitely run into each other. There is no way that my husband can get around this unless she quits her job and I don't see that happening. Her husband doesn't know anything yet, hopefully he will find out at some point (it won't be from me.)

Tere38 - <p>Just wanted to check and see how counseling went. Hope everything is OK.<p>Cheers

Onward, thanks for checking on me. Monday's session was good, they are very open to using Marriage Builders in our recovery. I may start a new thread if I don't hear from you soon, cause something absolutely horrible happened on Monday to my husband at work and I don't know how to handle this with the OW.<p>My H had to work at the same hospital as the OW on Monday (he works in the clinic, she is a nurse in the ER). She came into work a bit early, but he didn't pay much attention to it. Anyway, she followed him to a back hall with some reports that the ER doctor wanted him to look over. He said OK and she laid them out on an exam table for him to review. When he turned to look at them, she closed the door to the room and told him that she planned to 'fight dirty' to keep their relationship going. He turned around and she was standing there in a raincoat and lacy underwear. He said he just looked at her face for a minute, told her she was fighting dirty, then opened the door to the room and left her standing there in her underwear.<p>He was so worried to tell me this, because he didn't know if I could handle it. I just sat there for a minute and thought about it, then thanked him for being honest with me. We hugged, and fell asleep in each other's arms.<p>I think that we are going to have to work on the 'No Contact' letter this week. I have to be out of town for Mon-Fri of next week, and we aren't telling anyone that I am gone. My pastor said that I needed to go, to get away for rest and meditation. I think my H needs for me to trust him enough to do it.

[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] She has some nerve!<p>I'm glad you reacted the way you did, he can't help the fact she did that. He will look at you as more of an ally, than the enemy, if you continue to be supportive of him thru this.

That's what I want to be, the ally. I feel a strong need to protect him from her, she could destroy him if she wanted to. I am so angry and frustrated with her, should I try to contact her? H and I discussed the fact that it is probably easy for her to disassociate me from the situation because she has only met me once (mid-affair). I am not completely sure that I could handle it, but if it would make her leave him alone I would definitely do it.<p>I am encouraging the 'No-Contact' letter to be sent this week. He wants to try it, but isn't sure it will work. My threat to tell her husband stands, and I think she needs to know my intentions.

I don't think it would hurt to let her know that if she keeps acting like this, her H will know all about her antics.