Hi my name is Steve and through the past 8 months I have had some mental disorder reared its ugly head and I went off the deep end. This was just after 911 attack, work dropped of to nothing I became very depressed, confused, and self destructive. My wife was not very understanding as I see it. Although I do not blame her in any way. I was offered some cocaine from a worker he said it would cheer me up. Turns out it was crack and I became somewhat addicted, it caused me to have entirely different views and ideas. I began Cheating with hookers and I video taped the act. One day one of the hookers tried to rob me stealing money from a bank deposit I had in my car. To make a long story short, I was arrested because she ha a different story than I. I was in jail and my loving wife was by my side until a few days later she discovered the tapes. Now while I was in jail for the past 2 months and one week she filed for divorce. For one month she would not talk to me. Mow she is but she is distant and cold. She has all my property and lives at our house. She put a restraining order out on me so I can not return home. I am out now on bail and go for sentencing in a few days. I do not have my car no money I cant work because all equipment is at the house and she refuses to give it to me until I agree to the divorce.
I do not want a divorce, we have been together for 10 years married for 8 1/2 yrs. Up until this we had very few problems, shared allot of love and were very happy. The problems I had may have included mid life crises, possible manic depression or some other mental disorder the toss in the cocaine and I was out of control. I feel I can be cured by counseling and medication. She feels that because I will go along with a fast divorce that I am using her as a storage for my stuff or so she says. My wife is from Europe and has no other family here except me. I feel so terrible for what I have done< I cant stop beating myself up.
I asked her to attend counseling with me and she said she just could not see how she could do it, how she could be in the same room with me because it upsets her too much.
What I did was not me, I was being self destructive and seeking some attention maybe hopes of feeling better, I just don't understand myself. I feel unbelievably guilty and concerned for my wife.
I have plans of getting help for myself of course getting my self back to normal then trying to set up counseling for us. I just cant let go, I love and care for her way too much.
Now I have a bag of clothes sleeping on the floor at a friends office. with out a car or any cash, just a credit card that I have no way to pay. Some of our friends say she is being totally unreasonable to not give me a car and things to work.
Back when I had the first symptoms that something was wrong I told her but she did not seem to listen, I even said that I needed counseling that I was confused, depressed and having negative thought about there even being a god. These were all huge warning signs to me but she did not see it as anything. Maybe I did not make it caear enough.
I know this is written poorly But I am under allot of stress and pain, lack of sleep, please excuse me.
Any thoughts would be great.
Thanks. Steve<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: steve50 ]</p>

First of all, no one forced you to do what you did. You made those choices, accept responsibility. Her 'coldness' to you before your 'exploits' does not justify your actions. Did your wife fully understand your feelings? How hard did you try to tell her how you were feeling? It is obvious you hurt her very deeply and that is perhaps why she isn't interested in MC. If there is a restraining order against you there must be just cause, from a legal standpoint.<p>It's time for you to fix yourself...take the initiative and go to counselling on your own. Your community must have the resources available. Perhaps, you showing her how hard you are willing to try to fix yourself will get her into MC as well. <p>The marital assets are equally yours and hers. You may need the services of a lawyer to sort this one out. Try legal aid if your are strapped for cash.

Agreed, nothing she did can justify my actions, I do not blame her. I mentioned that because it may have some bearing on me recognizing that I had a problem. I was a bit ashamed of my feelings and that there was something wrong with me, but I tried to let her understand or so I thought. I do not blame my wife for what happened in any way. As far as the restraining order her attorney told her to get one she said. There has never been any abuse and she is not scared of me hurting her. She got it to have some leverage from what I understand.
I will get some help for me that was my thoughts as my first step, I am so glad to hear you agree.
I was blaming my wife a little at first but since then I realized that it is my entire fault and not one tiny bit of it was her fault.
Its just that I was trying to explain that I have never done such a thing before this and I do not understand how or why I could have done such a thing to such a wonderful person as my wife. I knew something was wrong but I did not see these types of actions on the horizon from me. Frankly I am scared the entire mess has left both of us emotional basket cases. Though she seems like she is standing on her own 2 feet.
I have spent the past 2 months beating my self up feeling like I am my own worst enemy. I think it is time I tried to better myself and do what I can to support her in every way possible. Is this a healthy step?
I think she is still hurt and angry after reading some posts I see the it takes some time to heal. This I understand as I have been through a few relationships where I have cheated on. So I can understand the pain and hurt involved.
I so much want to help her through the pain I caused and make it up to her somehow but I know it is impossible, or is it?No I do not think she understood my feelings, I just thought she did not care but now looking back I dont think she did understand. I may not have been totaly honest as to how bad I was feeling. I felt ashamed that there was someting wrong with me and that I could not work due to the flight restrictions after 911. You see I am a flight instructor or I was. I feel like I have a degree of self pitty and I must get beyond that.
Its hard coming up from rock bottom with no support. I have hopes this will make me a better person. Thanks again. Thank you so much for your advice
S. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: steve50 ]</p>

<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: steve50 ]</p>

Steve50,<p>Your problem, other than legal is simple to solve.<p>QUIT CHEATING! Geez!

Steve,<p>Believe it or not.... welcome to MB. Based on the situation you described you are the WS (wayward spouse) and your W is the BS (betrayed spouse).<p>For as bad as it has been for you, you are right to take the responsibility. That is a step in the right direction. Now often when the WS takes the step, the BS is angry and wants revenge. She may want you to hurt. <p>I understand you have no money and a restraining order over you. Can a 3rd party intercede? Get your stuff and car? <p>While she may hate you for what you did,if she does not allow you to get your stuff , you may have legal recourse. Limited recourse but worth looking into. <p>Talk with your counselor or friend(s). See if any can help you. Drugs is not a good thing and if you are no longer taking them then you will also need to show her that you hvae changed. That will take time. <p>U not only need to take responsiblity for your actions, you need to make sure you are showing the good changes in your life. <p>Read here and post when you can. The basic concepts section will give you a lot to think about. Some BS' don't know how much better they have it when the WS is willing to work on recovery. <p>take care,
L.

Steve,
I apologize for my last post. Yes, welcome. Orchid as you see is a heck of a lot smarter than me. <p>I wish you the best. There are some great people here, give them a chance, open up, tell the truth and you won't regret your visits.<p>I sure haven't

Great advice I definatly agree. I will never do anything so stupid again. Cheating on her was the stupidest thing I have ever done. After being married for almost 9 years and to have never cheated until now. I just dont understand why I did it in the first place. I hope counseling will provide me with some answers.
Let me ask this.<p>Do you think there is any hope for salvagin my relationship with my wife?<p>How will I know if I am on the right track?<p>Is it alright to tell her I dont want a divorce and not sign the papers until we are totaly sure? <p>Or am I being more of a pig taking that stand? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm the BS here....but the best advice I got was shortly after my d-day. AHEM...and I quote "Make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror and say that you did everything you could to save your marriage, before you decide to call it quits".<p>Yes, there's hope to save the relationship, but both of you have to want to save it.<p>The right track is the one that shows you why you behaved the way you did (so you won't do it again). The right track will help you grow as an individual whether or not your marriage succeeds.<p>Of course, you can tell her you don't want a divorce. If you love her tell her, tell her that too. Have you told her that you accept responsibility for what you did and the pain you've caused?<p>I wouldn't call this a "piggish stand" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . I'd say you are refusing to be a doormat, and that's ok. She needs to know, as honestly and as detailed as you can how you feel, why you feel it and what you see yourself doing for the relationship in the future.

Steve,
Number one you are not a pig. God loves ALL of us [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I know sometimes it may not seem like it but it's true.<p>I'm not a preacher nor a counselor. I've just been there like everyone else here. I know it stinks.<p>GET OFF THE DAMN DRUGS!<p>I admit I tried cocaine when I was in college. Thankfully, it didn't agree with me, reminded me of going to the dentist [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] And I do not like dentists! <p>Steve, love your wife. <p>Please , you may never get another chance. Think about it.<p>I'll pray for you tonight.<p>Good luck , You are going to be just fine.

Thanks for the welcome L. and MGM.<p>Yes I did tell her that I take full responsibility, but I did cast some blame her way at first. Was I correct to accept all the blame? After all I was the one that cheated, not her. Yes I had some problems but I figure the responsibility must totally on me. I must face up or nothing can be gained, isn&#8217;t that correct?<p>I get allot out of your advice it gives me hope and that means allot to me right now. I plan on making some very big changes for the better in my life. Changes we will both be proud of.
As far as my truck and property, I have a plan to file a motion first of next week for the judge to hear the matter about tools and property that I need for work and basic living. I do not want to get an attorney for myself simply because I don&#8217;t want it to cost us or should I say for me to cost us any more than I already have. I will represent myself since she used our vacation money we saved for my defense attorney and her D attorney. I want to go back to my old business in the marine field where I can make a better income and fill up my time still doing flight instruction on weekends. This way I can put back the funds that were used due to my screw ups and Help my wife out so she does not need to work so hard. Her father needs an operation and she is going to pay for it but I also want to help her parents and contribute to help her family.
Now when I look back at it I was feeling allot of underserved self pity, I should have got off my butt and been working at anything I could do to help us, flip hamburgers or something. I just got depressed and felt sorry for my self resulting in allot of time on my hands to get into trouble and more depression. Sort of a vicious circle. God I feel discusted with myself. Thanks again for your answers they are very helpful!!
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'Getting better' makes an excellent point. If you are still doing drugs do what it takes to stop. IMHO when there is substance abuse or domestic violence then your W has every right to walk...no, run away from you!

No drugs not any more. That was a short-lived thing. After 2 months in jail I got clean. I have made a salaam promise to my self never to use any type of drugs ever again, unless prescribed. There was never any violence on my part, however she did have an outburst just before I was arrested where she thought I was cheating, (she was right), I denied it. But she wailed on me, I just let her hit me if that&#8217;s what she needed. I did not even lift a finger to defend myself. I have very good self-control in that respect. I would never enter into violence with her. Don&#8217;t blame her a bit for her rage, I totally understand it, she was right I was oh so wrong. I would never consider hurting her in any way, my job is to protect her and keep her safe anyway I can.
I just cant come to grips with the fact that I let her down.<p>But yea the drug thing may have been a big factor in me going south. I very much learned my lesson. Never again!!!<p>You guys posts to me are so good that I will print them out and when I go to court if I get any time I will take them in with me so I grind your points into my head and use them to keep a good constructive prospective. Thanks a million, your great all of you!
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