I

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I am at a loss for words. I just want you to know that I feel your pain SO strongly. Please, make sure that you are physically safe from *his* harm. More importantly, keep yourself safe from *self-harm*. You need to see a counselor ASAP. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children.<p>I know it seems unbearable and impossible right now, but you WILL survive this and you can thrive from this, with or without your husband. Unfortunately/fortunately you are not alone.<p>I know your pain and desperation. It is a living hell. Just know that the shock, hurt and pain WILL pass. Feel free to email me if you would like to. I care. **edit** <p>Today, just try to breathe, OK? I promise that things will improve if you just keep breathing. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by uncommitted:
<strong>I am not coping very well. I am a stay at home Mom, and we had our 4th child in February 2001 (oldest wasn't even 7 at the time). In May, my husband told me a co-worker had propositioned him -- she felt passion for him. I listened for 6 weeks and then insisted he stop seeing her. He didn't: he needed to take care of her because she was emotionally unstable. Periodically, he told me he had talked with her. In December, I needed surgery. I threatened to call her a week after surgery and he got so angry he punched me. Because of the punch, I needed surgery for a broken bone at my wrist and was in a cast until after Easter. In April, I called the woman's husband and two weeks later found out from the husband that he had gotten out of the woman that my husband and this woman had had a sexual affair since September. We are in marriage counseling, but I don't seem able to get over the affair. My husband tells me I need to move on and forgive him. I can forgive him for the broken arm, even though I have a four-inch scar and tautness and limited movement in the wrist, but the affair is just overwhelming. I am not coping. My kids are not being cared for. I feel as though I am living a lie. My husband tells me he was unhappy in the marriage and took advantage of the opportunity to get pleasure from another woman. I have read Dr. Harley's books but don't understand how you can get over this. Right now, the therapist is telling me to respectfully ask questions about the affair. I am trying, but I am not managing. We seem to get into arguments. Any suggestions? How do you get past such a betrayal? I feel like this cannot be my life. I have no motivation to care for the children. They are cared for, but there is no joy in it anymore. There is no joy in anything anymore.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Your situation is heart wrenching. My mantra has always been ...if there is substance abuse or domestic violence then get out and stay out! You will forgive and forget when you are ready, on your own timetable, not his. Your WH happiness is not your responsibility. It is up to the individual to make themselves happy and then share that with you. His response to his own unhappiness was emotionally immature.<p>Have you considered seeing your doctor to see if you would be a candidate for anti-depressants? If you need this medication then don't let your pride stand in the way of taking it. Think of it as a cast to fix something that's temporarily broken! <p>I know this hardly helps but, time will help to dull the pain. Gather your friends and family around to support you. Don't keep this a secret. If you need to talk then talk. Talk as long and as often as you need to.

H

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Found this for ya!! it's perfect!!<p>worthatry
Member
Member # 7367
posted July 10, 2001 07:24 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To new betrayed spouses. I hope you are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path in dealing with your new challenge.
I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like affair First Aid - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.<p>This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about for many months. I believe this to be consistent with Marriage Builders principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.<p>OK, here it is:<p>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<p>Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.<p>Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<p>Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1. Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research.<p>Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.<p>Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!<p>Rule 6: Do not recruit your spouse's family in an attempt to "help." If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support - if you get it anyway, consider it a bonus. Blood IS thicker than mud.<p>Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse. <p>Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites like this one, and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.<p>Rule 9: In ongoing affairs, if your spouse's OP is also married, consider informing the OP's spouse if you know their identity. The purpose for this is to reveal the affair on the other side which may motivate the OP to end it. This should not be done without guidance.<p>Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of affairees are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair.<p>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited July 11, 2001).]<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]

uncommitted,

Take a good hard look at WAT's quick start guidelines. They are very helpful when you are feeling the devastation you are experiencing. I have four young children. They were 8, 6, 2 and 8 months (and nursing him) when I discoverd my Hs affair. I went onto counselling and started anti-depresants. We sought marrisge counselling and attended a couples group which we all found helful. He is in anger management counselling now.

A big priority has to be taking care of you. You cannot take care of anyone else if you do not take care of you.