Hi. My wife had an affair with an officer in the Air Force. He has 3 kids and just barely was promoted to Captain. I understand the military has rules against its officers having adulterous relationships with anyone. I've also heard that he can lose his officer commission. Where his commission is related to him becoming a doctor, I also understand that he can lose his medical license. <p>I have all the proof I need to take him out. While understanding that my desire to lash out is probably bad, I have to wonder, "The military probably has these rules for a good reason."

Hey again. I read your original posts, so I know what you are talking about.<p>IMHO, this is totally up to you. My first thought was of physical violence toward the OM. I also thought about other revenge-type things, but I have actually done nothing.<p>End the end I realized that whatever negative thing I do, will only strengthen the resolve of the wife's mind. Strengthen her resolve that in doing what she did (affairs), she was right to do because I am a jerk anyway.<p>But, that's just my situation. I am normally all for retribution, but in my case, it would just make me to be the bad guy in her eyes.<p>Hope this helps maybe a little.<p>Dave

So far, I have decided to take a wait and see approach. I'm not going to say anything to my wife about this - I guess this is a gray area between what Dr. Harley says about protecting yourself, investigating the affair, and the Policy of Radical Honesty. The immediate focus has to be saving our marriage. If she knew I could do this, she might see it as a judgement or even blackmail... that I might have only told her about it to force her to stay with me. <p>I don't want to make a bad decision... and my judgement is clouded enough already. I know I can't trust her and somehow having this stuff makes me feel better. It's either the product of a warped mind or it's the right thing to do. What do you guys think?<p>I kind of feel like it's a rape situation, where by the time the act of the rape is exposed, there has been so much pain and heartache that no one wants to take the extra step of going to the police and prosecute the rapist... so the rapist is free to act again, and again, and again. In this case, it wasn't rape, but the military's laws against this kind of behavior suggest a good reason for it.

Hi, I am new here, but I read your post, and I had to respond. I understand your anger, but before you make a decision to ruin this OM's career, make sure you know what you are doing. Is the OM married?? Children??? The reason I ask is that if you destroy his career, you can also distroy his family (they did not do anything here) I say this because my H is in the military, and he had an A... if the OW (my "sister") brought this out to the military, it would not only hurt my H, but also me and our two young children!!! I know how it feels to want revenge (or whatever), but PLEASE think long and hard before you take this any further. Think about the others you could be hurting too! Try to imagine the OP being your sibling!!! Nothing I can do... She will always be my parents' daughter, and my siblings' sister... <p>I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the advice you want to hear... I just wanted you to know the other side...<p>I wish you the best of luck!<p>-mc needs your help

Thanks for your reply. Where it's your sister, I can imagine it being a little closer to heart and home.

THe thoughts that I have had are not my own in the thoughts of seeking revenge by calling the OW spouse and telling him....and I fought it....it will accomplish nothing...I have to know that one day, some way, some how, she will get caught and get her just reward. It will not be at my hands. <p>I agree with the other person about how it will protray us, the victim, in a bad light. My H used this sob story about how hes a Promise Keeper (christian man) and I was this horrid witch that kicked him out...all he wanted was a family...a home...all this stuff.....he left out the part of the angry, physically and mentally abusive part....so...if I get cocky...it strengthens his position with these women. Kind of like..."See, I told you she was that way"<p>Hold onto the evidence for your security...but I believe at this stage, any type of negative behaviour or thoughts can fester an ruin any attempt at true reconcilliation...so holding onto it is kind of like a little "blackmail" or hiden agenda.....unfortunately...I agree with you though...about protecting yourself....good luck!

It's only blackmail if she finds about it or I threaten to use it as leverage to make her do something.

Yeah.....your right.....I have a cash stash for emergencies that H doesnt know about.....just in case....I also have all the phone numbers and events and how they took place and names too....just in case....I dont know if it keeps it real or protects me....

It keeps it real for us and is a protection. Within days of D-Day, I couldn't remember things clearly. Documenting it helped me immensely.

I also considered voilence, then career destruction for the OM. But unfortunatly he is not married, so its not as easy as just telling his wife. I even considered his mother but she doesn't speak english.<p>The other man writes about horseracing in the NY Post newspaper, and I considered getting a good story written in a competing newspaper. Even had contacts lined up to insure he gets fired. And with the horseracing background I even thought for a while about the Godfather method with a horse's head in bed with him.... But the horse is to good for him.<p>He even does a weekly radio show on Sunday nights and I considered calling in to ask his co-hosts how it feels to sit next to a man who tried to ruin an honest family by having sex with the mother of two emotionally disabled kids for over a year. But I chickened out there too when my wife said she was afraid.<p>Well, I did buy his name as an internet domain name, and set up a website with her no contact letter, links to his radio show, and newpaper - plus an interesting internet message group message he posted about a website for a playboy model.... its online at http://www.johndasilva.com<p>Please let me know what you think, and any encouraging words you might have to help me get the courage to promote it!<p>Thanks!

You should inform the air force about the actions of this OM. His actions helped destroy a family. No different than if he committed murder. He made a pledge to serve his country with honour not dishonour.

I think exposing him to the military will cause more problems with you W and repairing it. To interfere in the A, may encourage them to hang on to it more.<p>Then there is what MC had to say. To destroy his career will also effect his W and Children. Her finding out about the A will be awful for her in itself. Now to have no income, no benefits, no home (that is assuming they live on base). The W and kids are also the innocent in this situation. <p>I have not been on MB long, I have read alot of the info they have. I intend to read it again. Alot to take in, alot to remember. Before doing anything, read first.

Hmmm... I can certainly understand your hesitancy... What if it turns out to be a major love buster and pushes your wife toward the OM?? Just a thought...???<p>If you did tell, would there be any way you could do it anonymously?<p>Do you know if the OM's wife knows?<p>Yes, the military is for honorable men. What he did was very dishonorable indeed... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Still, I have to agree with you that the best revenge and the best justice would be to have your marriage fully recovered from this. If you and your wife can patch things up, and you can get past the resentment of what she did to you and to your marriage, and if she is willing to follow Harley's rules of protecting your marriage, OM is of no threat or concern to your family any longer...<p>You obviously are a decent person to consider HIS family, especially when he disregarded yours. You deserve a pat on the back today! I'm impressed!

Hi, I'm new just today. I am going through your pain myself and have had the same thoughts. I know her phone number and want to call and tell her husband what she is doing with my husband. I want to call and threaten her. I keep her phone number for the same reason that you keep the information you have. I think we need these things to give us a sense that we have some sort of control over the situation. However, to use the information would be counterproductive for everyone involved. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what would benefit you, yourself in the long term. Do what helps you, not what hurts others. Damaging this man's career and family might make you feel better initially but you would have to live with that forever and the fact that you hesitate at all tells me that you are not the kind of guy who would want to carry that kind of baggage. You, and I both need to love ourselves instead of hating others.

Spite can be a powerful motivator. <p>At this time, I don't think his wife knows. From the bits and pieces of info we've picked up from mutual acquaintances, she seems to be placing a lot of the blame on my wife and making her out to be the aggressor... which for all I know she may have been. It isn't what she told me, but if you really think about it - how it started is irrelevant to the reality of the affair. And, I know that my wife was the one who stopped it; granted that she didn't do the stopping very aggressively, but at least she did stop it. Hey! I'll take what glimmers of hope I can get.<p>Our church has a disciplinary council in situations like this where a vow to God has been broken. Part of the process is our congregation contacting their congregation and giving the OM a chance to come clean. Whatever the OM's wife thinks she knows know... she'll find out everything either from the OM or from the transcript of my wife's confession. So, while it takes time, I am content to let the process run its course. But the OM's wife is crazy if she thinks my 120 lb wife aggressively "forced" her 240 lb husband into doing the things they did. She also trash-talked me a lot and whenever I feel like contacting her and sharing the truth of the affair, I remind myself of this fact.<p>Even if things don't work out with my wife and I, I'm still not set on using the evidence I have. My wife's history was a blank slate before I met her. Like a clean and new piece of paper... now crumpled up. You can try to smooth the edges, but the paper will never be perfectly smooth again.

Hi Lyxa,
I see you are also up early. I an fortunate enough to live where I can tune into Dr. Harley's radio show twice a week without having to figure out how on earth to listen on the internet.<p>He frequentlu advises that you spill the beans. To the OP's spouse (or the military), to your family and friends, to the WS's family and friends and to your church community.<p>Last week a woman called in and talked about her h's affair, and how she had done so much damage to the M by revealing the infidelity to their family and friends. Dr. Harley kept telling her over and over that she had done the right thing. That the damage to the M was because of the A, NOT because she was doing all she could to end it.<p>As you most likely know, most affairs die a natural death, and few can survive once they are brought into the light of day. Which is his primary reason for encouraging you to tell those who should know.<p>Also, an affair is an addiction. In the case of serial infidelity the addiction is probabloy to the thrill of new sex, but in the garden variety affair, it is to the OP. If your wife was on say heroin or crack you wouldn't hesitate to swtage and intervention and enlist the help of anyone you could think of.<p>Granted, she will be very angry at you. You will be the one forcing her to face and to give up the addiction. But until she does that, there isn't any hope of recovery.<p>Dr. Harely also does quite a bit of work with the military. As you mention, they have a very stern policy regarding infidelity. And as you say, they must have good reason. I suspect part of that reasoning is that an affair is deceptive, dishonorable, and ethically bankrupt. Doesn't sit well with the military's code of ethics, does it?<p>You can call the radio show and talk to Dr. Harley. He is on every Mon. and Thurs at 1 pm CDT and there is a toll free number. Just click the radio link above to get it. I think you would get some excellent advice and answers to your concerns. People from all over the country, and even the world call in every week. If you do, call just a minute or so before 1, they tend to fill up fast.<p>Good luck, sorry you have to deal with this. Wishing you all the best....<p>Cerri

Good advice. I don't know that I'll be able to reach Dr. Harley, but I do intend to bring this up with my church community and with my counselor. First, <wink> I need to educate myself about military law. JAG just doesn't hit this topic enough to catch it as a re-run. Plus, two JAG lawyers live in my community.

Hi Lyxa,

Sorry to see that you are going through all of this...

You've gotten some good info and I'm glad that you are taking the time to make a good decision. Regarding telling this "Officer's" (and I use that word VERY losely!) Commander... A commander is bound by law to enforce the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) here's an exerpt of Article 134 (adultery)
Article 134 (Adultery) Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ)

One thing that the military really frowns upon is when a superior commits adultery with a subordinate or a subordinate's spouse. If that's the case, then most commanders will usually go for a "stiffer" punishment (dishonorable discharge, forfiture of all pay & allowances). If your W or you aren't in the military, then the most likely outcome of telling this "officer's" commander is that he will recieve a repremand, be ordered to end the affair, and will most probably recieve a poor evaluation report. So as you can see, your desire to "punish" this guy might not have the "consequences" that YOU desire.

Military commanders are charged with maintaining good order and discipline... and in the case of Article 134, they are encouraged to handle these cases at the LOWEST level.

So, if you and your wife are not in the military and not in this "officer's" chain of command, then I don't think that telling his commander will get him "kicked out" of the Air Force with a Bad Conduct Discharge and some jail time... it also won't really affect his family financially... I'd probably go ahead and get the A out in the open...

Hope this helps,
RIF90

What Rebuilding said is true.

However, if the OM did get a poor evaulation review, and info about the A was attached to his personal file, the OM's "career" would be pretty much over. There are lots of other upstanding, ethical officers vying for those choice postings.

I'm not in the military. Neither is my wife. I wasn't thinking about approaching his commanding officer. I was thinking about finding a lawyer that specializes in military-civillian issues and going after him that way.

But, thank you so much for posting that link. I knew it was out there, but for the life of me couldn't find it.