My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have lived overseas for most of that time and though not perfect, especially sexually, the beginning years of our lives together were good ones. Circumstances of his job caused us to be apart for the better part of two years, making it difficult to resolve differences. This last year is the first in many that we have been together on a daily basis. We have not had sex in two years. He does not have any desire for me. This, by his own admission, is due to his long-standing resentment, both real and exagerated, of my neglect and unresponsiveness to him over the years. He loves me but is unsure if he can let go of all the baggage. I have made matters worse by being incredibly needy and driving him away even when he shows me that he wants to move forward. He finds it difficult to discuss his feelings though when necessary can be quite articulate. I discovered recently that he has been corresponding with a woman in a city that he visits occasionally on businessfour hours south of here . He talks to her via email and telephone. When confronted with this, he expressed a need for excitement at this time in his life (he is 52) and cited the breakdown in our relationship (for which he admits equal blame) as the impetus for his approach to her in the first place. He says that she is not important but has not cut off contact with her, maintaining rather stubbornly (probably because I keep pushing at the issue) that she is completely irrelevant to whether or not our relationship sinks or swims. He says that she is not the reason we are having problems, which is true, and that he is not looking for a replacement for me. he also says that he loves me dearly and that I have no idea how important I am to him, yet, he won't touch me and if I touch him, he allows it but will not respond. At this point in time I do not think that anything physical has happened between them, and for this reason I feel that he is justifying his position of not having done anything wrong, though I think in truth, he knows better. Intellectually, I can understand why he is doing this. I have been repressed sexually my entire life and am now at the age of 44 only beginning to understand my own sensual needs. We have talked about this in a rational and loving manner with each other on two occasions recently, leading me to believe that with time we can resolve these issues but invariably my hurt and anger cause me to turn these potentially loving and healing conversations into an interrogation about this woman that I feel threatened by. he sees my attitude as an attempt to control the situation and subsequently himself, thus making him even more stubborn about continuing to correspond with her. This issue of power is a long-standing problem with us as we have had power struggles throughout our relationship. He is agreeable to marriage counseling though it will be difficult to find here as we are living in Eastern Europe at the moment. Up until recently he was more eager than I to work things out. He has shown me time and time again without words that he cares and was willing to try to find a way back to wanting me. I was too angry to respond in kind and insisted on these horrible painful conversations that have been counterproductive. Though I think my own inability to calm down and talk things through rationally has been the major reason he is now feeling rather hopeless about our chances, I worry that his relationship with this woman is becoming more than just a bit of excitement for him though I am not sure how that could be since he has only seen her a few times and virtually all of their contact so far has been via the telephone. I can tell he is not ready to give up. I certainly am not ready to give up. I firmly believe that should our own relationship improve to the point where we can be intimate again, it would be better than it ever was before, negating any need he might have for finding excitement elsewhere. He is always willing to talk but never initiates "feeling" conversations on his own. The few times we have had loving, caring, no holds barred but no anger or blame conversations have been wonderful and while not ending us up in bed together the way I would like have brought us just that little baby step closer so that we spent the nights holding each other. My problem is that I cannot seem to let go of the other woman issue. Instinctively I know that she is no real threat to me in the long run. My husband values his family and his children and his relationship with me and the lifestyle we have together but I cannot get past the extremely anger and feelings of unfairness, rage and hurt because I am lonely.

Wow....heck of a letter.....first off...why are you sexually inhibited...<p>My reason to ask is that I, through recent revelations, have had sexual issues all my life...molested as a child, date raped...no true male role models....because of this...I would pull away from my husbands touches and over the years...he took this as a form of rejection and now...rarely will make an advance towards me....what I discovered was that instead of pushing him away because I didnt like the way he grabbed at me...I felt like I was being attacked....I should of taught him a new way....my way....something that i could live with and feel his love. <p>If your issues are from something like that above....look into couseling or at least address the issue.....its amazing how much affect something from 25 years ago had on my life.<p>As far as the other woman....he should end all contact..immediately....he is obviously getting something out of the relationship that hes not getting from you...communication....tenderness....a shoulder to lean on.....its up to you to find out and fulfill that part of him. A man is hardened his whole life to be this He-Man and not react to the world..no emotions...yet when he walks in that door to his home....that is where he should be able to let "his hair down" and be the person inside that he needs to be...whether it be sexual, emotional or through communications....if any of those are lacking....he will not be complete......<p>A marraige vow does not have room for 3 in it. The covenant of my marraige protects me, my H and our child...thats it....my husband had the affair and I told him that he needs to quit trying to protect the OW's....and protect me more.....I am his wife...I am his life....it took a couple of days for him to realize this....<p>I did such a turnaround with my husband that he doesnt know what to think....so...I do recommend you do it slowly...whatever it is.....listen....more time with you ina friendlier manner rather than defending himself.....try to be more intimate...in little ways...you dont always have to have full blown sex....please him.....this was a biggie for me...to step out of my comfort zone...but once there...its not as bad as I thought.....fix the little things first and the rest will come together....good luck..

Thanks for answering. I am new to this and feel a bit lost at the moment. You asked why I was inhibited sexually. Early conditioning I suppose. Never having a chance to discover and explore it within myself. I did not grow up in an environment where sensuality was expressed. My parents weren't loving with each other and when I became sexually active at a way too early age, I never learned how to express and embrace that part of me, my partners being young and uninterested in caring whether or not my needs were satisfied. My H, being the silent man, was frustrated but never opened his mouth to help or teach me. We had sex, good sex but sometimes bad sex and no sense of sexiness and fun between us so he felt rejected and wore his halo with patient suffering, the knowledge of which infuriates me sometimes now that he has decided that I am the one who cannot communicate, which brings me to his recent behavior. He has always been a responsible adult. I think he was born an adult. Even when he was trying to be a hippy, he was a responsible hippy. He is 52. He is at that stage in his life where he must give up dreams he nurtured and face the fact that he cannot go back and start over. He has had, these last few years, to deal with a depression on his own. He was out of the states, I was in the states. He had no one to turn to but me and I was miles away, though I helped as much as I could. He thinks he has overcome this all on his own but I know it is still there. He is essectially an extremely loving man but through fear of pain has walled away that part of himself. He is now feeling his mortality (his younger brother had a heart attack a few months ago) and has decided to damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead and for once in his life address only his own needs. He has refused to give up his friendship with this woman. He says that it is nothing more than the excitement he told me it was but that it is important to him in the discovering of who he is. Yeah, right. It has not become physical yet, nor is he sure that it ever will. It consists mostly of voice mail message and an occasional ten minute telephone call. I do not feel threatened by her in the sense of her taking my place because I am aware that our relationship was in trouble before he met her. I don't think he wants physical intimacy from here or anyone right now though I do not fool myself into thinking it can't happen with her though it would be difficult logistically and I'm not sure he is up to all the machinations that would go into it. He is going, and though I hate to use this cliche I will anyway, through his own version of male menopause. He knows and admits that he is not being fair. He knows he is wrong. Right now he does not care. He cares about me. He cares about our children. He doesn't care about much else, even himself. He is drinking too much and smoking too much and he doesn't care. He is very wise about many things in spite of his stupidity in others. After having said rather coldly that he didn't think we could ever pull our relationship back together, he announced quite sadly that what upset him the most was the fact that he and I were no longer friends. this is true and I also miss that because we were once very good friends. He says that my body language repeatedly rejects intimate conversation, which is also true but he gives up too soon and won't pursue a conversation in spite of my body language (that long-suffering halo again). He begged me to start again as friends. He said that he felt that we could learn to live together though to what level of intimacy he didn't know because who can predict the future, but could we please just try start with being friends again and see where it leads. I asked him in what ways I was important to him and his answers were, of course, the children and the twenty years we have between us but other answers were that I have the power to affect him on every level, emotionally, practically, etc and that I know him better than anyone else on earth. he is searching for a way to embrace the last half of his life. He needs my help. I understand this because, as he said, I know him better than he knows himself. He begged me for an end to the tension and hostility that has been permiating our home. He said that he would see a marriage counselor or anyone else I wanted but was afraid that he would not have the right attitude at this time. I think, given time, he will pull himself together and we could be happy. But, while I acknowledge that he needs my help and that I want to give it to him, I cannot ignore my own needs. My kids and I are going to the states for a month, then they are going off to boarding school. I have been a mother for so long, and a housewife. I now need to get a life of my own and I am no longer sure I want to get a job and immerse myself into the culture of this place with our circumstances being what they are. Equally, I am afraid to leave and try and make it on my own, plus, I feel that if there is one chance at all for us to find each other again, it is worth the effort. I am tired and confused and want nothing more than to sleep the days away. It's hard to get up in the morning. During my stay in the states, I will seek therapy and also a way to continue it when I return here because returning is something I really have to do for many reasons. It's not time for me to go but it's hard to pick up the pieces and keep going. It's funny. All this information was expressed last night in about a six hour conversation. We talked honestly for the first time since we were dating. I already knew everything he told me without being told. I find it liberating to have it out in the open but I still feel too raw to let any healing happen or to allow any positive possibilities enter my head. For our children's sakes, we have got to become friends again, whatever else happens. I think he wants us to end up in a better place than we were before this happened.
One of his difficulties with me is his fear that I am making him my sole focus. It places a tremendous burden on him which, at this point in time he is unable to handle and nor should anyone at any time for that matter. I don't want that either. I am intelligent and I have gifts and possibilities I have not explored and want to, need to, to become a whole person. Just being a wife and mother is not enough for me and he has known it all along but got tired of encouraging me to get out and make a professional or outside life for myself. But, like I said. Its very easy right now to stay in bed and block out the world because it's just too hard to get up.

My how I do run on. Anyway, my thanks to whoever is listening out there.

As a man... let me tell you, the single greatest obstacle to intimate conversation is lack of intimacy. I love intimate conversation with my wife. Especially when our lips are touching as we talk. We don't hardly ever do that and of course, during her A, never at all.

But, I remember many evenings where we'd get it on early and then go sit together somewhere. Once again, as a man, I tend to get lethargic, but if I get up and move around, the lethargy passes and I am able to be intimate without it being so sexual that I can't think about anything else. Inhibitions can be overcome. Trust me.

what you said about talking intimately was beautiful and you are so right in what you say. I wish that my H and I could get to the point where we can speak that way with our lips touching. We were that way once, in the beginning. My inhibitions were never about sex, I have always loved sex. My inhibitions were with intimacy and opening up the vulnerable part of yourself. The problem we are having now is that that kind of intimacy is the very thing I want now and my husband is no longer feeling loving toward me. he has no interest in me sexually. He admits that his feelings stem mainly from years of wanting that kind of intimacy with me and being shut out. He is not an aggressive man, or one to make his needs known verbally and I failed to notice the body language. He finally gave up and is not sure now whether he can give up his resentment enough to allow those kinds of feelings to come back. We have issues of power struggle in our marriage and he sees my new need for intimacy as one of me being interested only in my own needs. We were once friends with a sense of playfulness to our relationship that has disappeared. I am heartened that instead of divorce he has asked me if we can start again as friends, then go from there. I know what he means by "friends." I know if we can achieve that level of comfort in communication, either the loving will follow or at the very least, we can part without anger. He still speaks of our future in terms of us spending it together. Thanks for writing. It is wonderful to get a man's point of view and, of course, when I am feeling this way, just knowing there are people out there to talk to is a life saver.