My H had a 2week affair (no sex involved he says) 6 years ago. He still defends her and makes it very uncomfortable for me to go there. I drove by once and she immediately reported it to him which he denies-he claimed a maintenance man saw me, then 2 days later said he was just testing me. How can he still allow her to talk to him of personal matters? He won't allow me to flirt with him and is not interested in making love to me but I have caught him 4 times lying to me about watching porno movies on tv and on the computer. The last time he had "promised" not to do it again. I am not so upset about the porno except it feels like another affair to me, but what upsets me is he lied again knowing how I felt? He said he has appoligized and that he did not do anything wrong but why does it hurt so bad? Am I being so unreasonable? It is a trust issue not so much that he was looking at young and pretty girls. He is saying he is going to leave if I am going to be so irrational but this is how I feel and it hurts that he doesn't want me when there are lots of other men who do. What do I do?

Time to seek professional help. There are far too many issues in just that short paragraph for us to even begin to help. There are so many possibilities with this one. Please, seek professional help. Invite your H to go. If he refuses, go anyway by yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LaLas:
<strong>My H had a 2week affair (no sex involved he says) 6 years ago. He still defends her and makes it very uncomfortable for me to go there. I drove by once and she immediately reported it to him which he denies-he claimed a maintenance man saw me, then 2 days later said he was just testing me. How can he still allow her to talk to him of personal matters? He won't allow me to flirt with him and is not interested in making love to me but I have caught him 4 times lying to me about watching porno movies on tv and on the computer. The last time he had "promised" not to do it again. I am not so upset about the porno except it feels like another affair to me, but what upsets me is he lied again knowing how I felt? He said he has appoligized and that he did not do anything wrong but why does it hurt so bad? Am I being so unreasonable? It is a trust issue not so much that he was looking at young and pretty girls. He is saying he is going to leave if I am going to be so irrational but this is how I feel and it hurts that he doesn't want me when there are lots of other men who do. What do I do?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I am just going to say it...
Don't trust that nothing is going on! My H was involved with a woman at work and swore to me that it was over. In May he & the OW were fired because they were caught at work together. Don't believe it if your H tells you that you are paranoid or delusional either! The best advice that I can give is trust in your intuition and don't let others tell you not to. If your gut feeling tells you something is wrong - there is.
I am getting through but it is very hard. You take one day at at time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I learned though to trust myself and my feelings. Don't get down - stay positive somehow someway! Come to this board and VENT b/c it helps and makes you stronger.
Maybe things will work out but you have to concentrate on living a good life for you and treating yourself well. If you have a relationship w/God start praying that He will show you the truth. Sometimes it takes time but He does reveal things to us in His time though.
Not to get preachy but I am telling you without some faith in God I wouldn't be here - I would have given up because I was so down. I will be thinking of you and your situation and I will keep you in my prayers.
If you need to vent or scream or cry or whatever come back here and someone will help you. There are tons of precious people here that give great guidance.
Hang in there!

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: seekingadvice ]</small>

THank you Seekingadvice for your help. I don't know if he is having an affair now or not but I do think he is still letting her be his friend. When she requested vacation one time he asked her where she was going which was none of his business. Right after I found out about her he told me in a counselors office that he had to treat her just as he always had or she could sue him for harrassment!! He also said he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again. He is a big flirt which he says is just because he wants other people to like him. His secretaries both told me she was in his office 5 or 6 times a day. And if I went there she paraded in front of me and he let her do it. I use to take him flowers etc, on his birthday or our anniversary but he said I was only doing it to check up on him. And I do drive by occasionily to see if she has a new car. I like to get flowers at work. The point is for the first three months he didn't do anything to act like he wanted me while I was throwing myself at him and apparently so was she. I think he should throw himself at me now but he won't even make love to me anymore because I'm not affectionate to him. He tries to do everything just right- like pat my back or kiss me when he gets home from work ((when usually I'm so busy I don't feel like responding to him) He acts in front of people but at home he watches tv and reads and ignores me except to say "I do all this for you but you are not affectionate with me". It is very hard to be affectionate with a man you don't trust not to hurt you. Once I dressed up in a pretty nighty and he laughed at me. I can't even let him see me naked anymore and he is the one 50 lbs overweight and I lift weights and have a body fat of only 18%. I hugged him and kissed his neck at the Club one night and he yelled at me that he didn't like that and it was inappripriate behavior but last week when I wasn't there he teased another woman about her nipples in public!!! How inappropriate is that?? The more I type the madder I get. Why can't I just leave him and get away from this misery? I never wanted to be a divorced woman or cause my children to be from a broken home but I don't know what else to do? He told me yesterday that he is not responsible for my feelings-that really proves he just doesn't care because what he did destroyed my self-esteem and he is doing nothing to build it back up. I get more support from my dogs, cat and bird! I don't do alot to help him either but when I tried in the past he just turned me away. This really does help to talk-I'm sorry it is so long. We are not speaking and are in the middle of painting a very long hallway. I feel like leaving but don't know legally if that would be best or if I should make him leave. I wish he could find out what it is like to take care of this huge house and yard and all the animals and kids and have to do it long enough to have to clean the refrigerator , vents, bathtubs, wax the floors clean the roof , pressure wash the house ,fence, sidewalks, etc,,maybe he would see why I feel like the maid and not his wife.

Red Flags:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H had a 2week affair (no sex involved he says) 6 years ago. He still defends her and makes it very uncomfortable for me to go there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is saying he is going to leave if I am going to be so irrational </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also said he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His secretaries both told me she was in his office 5 or 6 times a day. And if I went there she paraded in front of me and he let her do it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hugged him and kissed his neck at the Club one night and he yelled at me that he didn't like that and it was inappripriate behavior but last week when I wasn't there he teased another woman about her nipples in public!!! How inappropriate is that?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of these are red flags to me.
It's typical of a WS to tell you that it's all in your head.....but trust your gut feeling...it's rarely ever wrong.

Something you said struck me though........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me yesterday that he is not responsible for my feelings-that really proves he just doesn't care because what he did destroyed my self-esteem and he is doing nothing to build it back up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you familiar with the Plan A concepts?

IMHO....while your H was partially responsible for your loss of self esteem and your low feelings.....he is not soley responsible and to think that only he will be able to build it back up will get you nowhere.

To explain........your H CANNOT make you happy.....YOU have to do that.

I believe that we CHOOSE to feel a certain way.....we CHOOSE how we are going to respond to thing........so....work on you and CHOOSE not to let this bring down your self esteem.

Think of it this way.......your H isn't doing this to YOU....he's doing it to himself.....he is the one that is about to lose the best thing he ever had....not the other way around.

Take care!

LaLas, my heart really goes out to you. I have been exactly where you are. Our holidays were ruined last year b/c of my H and his lies and total reckless behavior. I blame him for this loss because he was behaving irrational.
I can't emphasize enough to you to stay positive on something. I hated it when people would tell me to do this. I would cry and think what in the H*** can I be happy about or find happiness in right now? The person that I have trusted for over half my life continues to crap on me and I am supposed to stay POSITIVE??? HOW SO?? I really would get ticked when I heard that so I won't harp too much on it but I will say find something that you have for you. Are you working? What do you like to do? Take each day one step at a time and go from there. Keep a journal b/c it helps you mark your progress, and I say PROGRESS because you are GOING to PROGRESS! Feel what you are feeling but dont let his negativivty and mean comments pull you down.
They sting and hurt but find something about you that you know is AWESOME and hang onto it. People can destroy us - but only if we let them.
I was so low that I believed that I was poop but I found strength in myself (slowly) and I am rebuilding ME. Its a slow process and it stinks somedays. This past weekend I felt like total crap but today I feel better and know that I am worth something. Our time is precious and we can change but its what we do with the time that counts. Not every day is a good one but you fight the fight and keep going because you have a purpose and a place and a reason to soar - DON'T LET ANYONE TAKE THAT FROM YOU!
Let me know how you are doing!

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: seekingadvice ]</small>

Thank you Mr. Bunky, SeekingAdvice, Miss Priss for your time and effort in trying to help me. Some of my friends say I have let this go on for way too long and that I must be getting something out of it. It has not been fun-he has torn up our house and things like phones., furniture, glasses, my car and me and my children have seen this, but they also love him and how do you take that away from them when they feel like it is just as much my fault. Just Sun my 19yo heard me tell my H to F off which is something I never say but it was in defense after what he called me that my S didn't hear. That is really no excuse and it makes me mad that he has that effect on me. I really never cuse at all, or even tell white lies or make other people promise me because I believe a person's word should be enough. H is acting like nothing ever happened - he continues to say he didn't do anything wrong but I KNOW he lied to me again. Should I call the OW and ask her if she really did go to him and tell him I drove by their work place?? And how can I prove he wiped out the files on the computer? I have to go to the doctor now --I meant to respond more to ya'lls help. Just know that I aam trying to believe in myself - I know I'm not ugly, he just must think so because I don't feel like he wants me. And I 'm not sure I want him anymore-it hurtrs too bad to keep hoping and then get hurt again the next time I find him on porno sites or flirting with other women when he won't flirt with me.