I found out on 6/22 that my wife of 18 years was meeting people through the internet. She had downloaded her picture and was sending it out to any and all that were interested. She had met 1 person at the mall and had numerous phone conversations with others.

I knew months before, that something was going on. She kept telling me that if I wanted a divorce to go get one. She had 2 other affairs during our M and was acting the same way. My gut told me it was going on again. Previous to 6/22, I had started Plan A without knowing it existed. I just found out about MB last week (wish I would have found it years ago). I'm no saint and know now that I hadn't been meeting her EN's. Regardless, when I found out what she was up to, I told her to move out. She had stated that she wanted to move anyway. I filed for divorce on 6/30. From 6/22 through 6/30 we stayed in the same house and ignored each other (Oh what fun that was).

I have seen her many times since then. She has stated that she is in counciling and has joined AA. She was having a hard time with the sauce which was a big problem while we were together. I am far from over our marriage. She has made comments, given me hugs and kisses, and other things to make me think she is not over it yet either. I know her EN's were getting met online. However, now that she is out of the house, she is having a very difficult time as she is not in her "garden of eden" anymore. We have a beautiful wooded lot with many flower gardens that my wife installed. I think that she will get over her emotional struggle for me but will have a harder time getting over the struggle with this house. She comes here every day when I am at work to visit and see our older daughter who is staying with me.

Anyway, I am already thinking about reconciling although she hasn't mentioned it specifically. My father called and told me that I needed to stay together for our kids. I told him that he doesn't know the whole story and would think differently if he did. I don't know if I will be able to respect myself if we do reconcile. I never got over the last A my wife had which helped lead to me not meeting her EN's over the past 6 years. I thought it was cut and dry after I found out about the latest load of crap she has dumped on me (get a divorce) but as everyone out there knows, it is just not that easy. I will take it one day at a time and work on myself and my daughters happiness. My W is going away for the fourth and we will be able to spend the weekend together which I am looking forward to immensely.

Wow...Kiddo.....theres alot going on.....how do you know which to repair first...

As a child of an alcoholic and the wife of one....I must tell you that nothing else matters except for her sobriety....you will never have a true relationship until that issue is handled. She is not in control of her thoughts or actions if they are chemically induced. I know it might seem all about her...but there are deeper issues than was appears right now.

THe EN that she gets from the computer is communication....most women are communication geeks...we thrive on it. Little conversations...big conversations...little inuendos....flirtation......"Notice Me" comments.....it is very easy to meet these needs on line as you can be whoever you want to be...nobody is behind you denying your right to glory. Its real easy to appear the victim and its real easy to find a shoulder to lean on.

Are you going away together for the 4th or seperate? You didnt really specify or maybe you did and I missed it.....

Another suggestion...cancel your internet service for awhile...if you truly want to reconcile....it would be a good start....best of luck

I don't have a clue which to repair first. I am trying to take care of myself and my girls. My W is stating that she is taking care of herself by surrounding with friends and going to meetings. I hope she can find some answers to her questions.

She is very easily swayed. I recently called her fickle which she denied but anyone that pays attention to her will be her newest friend. Part of that is my fault for not paying attention in the past. A lot of it is just her personality. The internet thing blew me away. I had asked both the kids and my W not to get involved in chat groups. Of course because I asked it, she had to do it to spite me. I thought about canceling the internet service but as someone else responded, that is way of controlling my W and I am not going to do that. Besides, if she wants to continue doing this, she would find another computer elsewhere. My W lives in fantasy land and the internet is just that.

She is going away with a friend, I will get to spend the time with my daughters. Thanks for the info.

Well....first you need to decide if you would want to pursue your relationship. For real...this isnt something to dabble in...its all or nothing.

If you do......then you have to throw out your old way of thinking....if your wife is an alcoholic and this was prior to A's then you have a larger problem at hand. One might be the cause of the other. With her being easily swayed...Im sure everyone is her best friend...more so...men...as it might appear to be "cute"...she is a very trusting person and that means when she reaches out for people...she might be reaching towards those that could care less what the outcome is and might be in it for themselves....one of the scary things about support groups like AA....have you ever considered joining her at a meeting....they are very informative...you might also look into Alanon....I think thats how you spell it....its for relatives of alcoholics and drug abusers....

When I went with my H...long ago....I was a little concerned that there were all these people in a room sharing their innermost thoughts and desires and they were bonding with each other based off a like experiences...anyway...I could see a woman...bonding with my H because they had both the same addiction..and it starting out as friends...ooh..tough time....need a friend to talk to .....spouse doenst understand....you know...but they take measures to make sure that men are with men and women with women.....but if you became apart of the healing process..youwould be there for her emotional needs that she needs fullfilled.....it could be a win win situation for you to at least open the door to get a better view about what you really want.

I agree too about the internet...but I also believe that she might not be able to say no at this time and by you stepping in..might be the break she needs....someone to take the upper hand....

Dont take blame for this......she made the choices...not you....you might of lacked in areas that needed to be filled...but I doubt you said..."Im not going to be able to meet your high demands so go find someone to meet those needs of yours and Ill take care of the rest"....you cant fix it if you didnt know it was broke...you know its broke now....either discard it or fix it...but you cant keep it broken.....its a hard decision....its sooo easy to start over again...how are the kids taking it?

Good for your W for realizing she has a problem and is seeking out AA support. Being an alcoholic will cause you to make stupid, bad judgements you would not otherwise do. Life for her will never be the same, after she gets a dose of AA.
For you, try to work on Plan A, meet the emotional needs she will let you meet, and avoid love busters at all costs. I'm not saying you should not have feelings about past behaviors. What I am saying is that you don't need to react negatively to those feelings. They are only feelings. Negative reactions will be love busters, get it? If you want to reconcile your marriage, you need to rebuild love.
Read all you can on this site. I also think that Al-Anon would be good for you. Both share the same concepts. I support and commend you on your desire to reconcile. Its too easy for well meaning people to encourage us to divorce or end the relationship. They won't have to live the life afterward. Hang in there, give it the best you can give, so that you don't have any doubts about your role and contribution in the future. Take care!

First of all, thanks to both of you. Your advice is very sound. Here is the problem though. I have been here before with my wife, trying to work through an A. I was the one doing the work and she was the one saying Oh maybe, I don't know if it is worth it, etc. I don't want to go through that again.

She currently appears to be making the right decisions but has not yet asked if I would think about reconciliation. Within the past couple weeks she has told me she doesn't love me anymore, asked if I were ready to just give up, and has made it fairly obvious that she is mainly interested in the materialistic things in our marriage. I need her to ask to try again. I don't think I should have to do it again. I need her to say that she loves me, and for her to mean it. I don't want to be a doormat. Yes I will try to help her but if she can't make ammends, just by calling me and saying she is sorry, I will let her go. I know this may go against a lot of the principles on this sight it needs to be fixed or discarded, and she needs to make the first step.

By the way, the kids are OK. They know part of the story. Our oldest is 18 and going to college in the fall. She is not happy with her mother. Our 14 year old is staying with her mother. I see her every other day. I told her I thought it would be best if she stayed with her mother for support. They will both be home with me tomorrow and through the weekend though.

DearSoTiredofItAll:

The idea of working on Plan A is supposed to help you - not her. It sounds like your love bank is dangerously low. Understandable. Plan A is supposed to do 2 things for you:

1) Help you take a shot at reconciliation so that you can feel better about yourself. This is especially helpful for BS who have found this to be a terribly painful experience. The great thing about Plan A is, that once you've given it your best try, its not as painful for you if things don't work out.

2)Plan A will help you to identify those things that YOU did wrong in the relationship and give you a chance to fix them. That way you can say you did your best, with no remorse. And if things don't work out, at least you leave with that understanding and you aren't doomed to repeat the same mistakes in another relationship.

You might consider getting personal counseling to help you sort this out, too. The Harley's have experience not only with Marriage Builders, but also with alcholism and related behaviors. The cost for counseling would be extremely minor compared to the cost of divorce.

These are just my thoughts... and as you know opinions are free. Please, just make sure that whatever decision you make you can live with -- long term.

Take care.