Hello
I am going through a great loss. The last one is pushing me over the edge. I will give the concise version. I met my husband online. We had a beautiful romance and I love him deeply. We were together online for a year, then he moved to be with me, lived together another year, and then got married. We have been married for a year. We decided to start our family right away and I got pregnant as we were planning our wedding. In August of 2000, we lost our baby on delivery day. After a difficult pregnancy. We waited 6 months and decided to try again. I got sick at 17 weeks of pregnancy, we lost the babies, I was carrying twins. That was 2 months ago. My husband became increasingly depressed and was barely functional, neither was I. He went to see a therapist and is now on antidepressants.

4 days ago he had an outburst when I asked him who he spoke to in california for 60 minutes, He became defensive and instantly angry. Why was I accusing him? *redflags went off for me* He explained it away. Then I started snooping. I didnt understand his reaction to my question when it genuinely was just a question.

It took me awhile to get access to his stuff but what I saw shocked me. He is having an online affair. While I was in the hospital giving birth to our dead twins, (he couldnt handle being there) he was sending roses to this online love.
I read emails and icqs, there is not denying the affair, its not roleplay, it is fantasy but with a tad of reality (eg. He asked her to run away with him in rl to alaska which he considers his sanctuary).

I am devastated. My life is in shambles and I have tried to get him to tell me the truth. I have asked him if he is having an affair. I have asked if he wants to leave. He says no. I am his life and he would be lost without me. I have not confronted him with what I read. I have just asked based on what he said about the phone call. I dont want him to be able to use the excuse of me snooping and make that the main issue.

My problem? I love him. I want him to tell me so we can deal with the problem. We have had more pain in the last two years, too much pain and it has hurt us.

I just dont know what to do.

Welcome Luci...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

There are never any promises that your marriage can be saved...
...but for personal growth and development...
...(without this... it can't be saved)

...do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Learn about it all.

About the snooping....
...continue it only if you need to!
If the evidence is clear...
...and it seems like it is...
...you can stop...
...without stopping... Plan A becomes harder!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

Luci - what a heartbreaking set of experiences you have had. Please accept my condolences on the loss of the babies; I can only imagine how truly devasted you are right now.

With respect to your husband, it is very typical for them to lie about their involvement. And I think particularly for those of us who are active online participants (I also met my husband online, and he moved to be with me). For my husband, when life gets to be too difficult, too much work, too much stress, he turns to online relationships which (as you know) are much, much easier and less complicated than the real thing.

I, too, was completely astounded when I had the hard evidence, and he denied having the affair(s). Your husband may continue to deny it, even after you confront with the info. It took an actual print-out handed to him to finally get my husband to admit the first one, and even then, it took days and days to unravel the information a bit at a time.

I don't know if there's good news yet. My husband did it the first time, behaved for year, did it again, behaved for a year, and then did it again a year later. This time he has admitted it is an addiction, and is actively working at beating it. I'm hopeful, and want to let you know that this does not have to mean your marriage is over. But there is a lot of room for work. Good luck - and please feel free to email me at kuurspet@aol.com if you would like to chat further.

Hi Luci,
First let me say how sorry I am that you lost yoru babies. I know how hard that is. I sorry you had to come here, but welcome. You are among those who understand what you are going through.

Read as much as you can of the links that were in NSR's post to you. There is some very good info in those links

Good luck.