We've been living together for five years (dating for seven) and in February he proposed and I accepted. In March, he began what he claims was his first affair. I found out when my neighbor told me that some other woman was leaving my house in the morning. He denied at first, but then it all came out. It's been less than a week since I've known (for sure).
We've already been to one session of therapy and it went well. But I'm not sure. I know I love him and despite what happened, I believe he loves me. He is taking all the right steps, but I'm still miserable. I don't even know what to do. Despite the fact that this website suggests that I was wrong to trust him in the first place, I did trust him and I thought that was one of the best things about our relationship. And I'm bitter about that loss.
I don't even know how to ask for advice, since I'm still confused by the whole thing. I'm willing to acknowledge that it takes two people to create a situation where one thinks it is better to seek comfort outside the relationship. But that knowledge does nothing for the wrenching, horrible feelings I have.
If ANYONE has any advice, you can be sure, I'll be happy to receive it. I'm scared and alone and humiliated and everything else that you can imagine.

<small>[ July 03, 2002, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: batanga ]</small>

Hi,
You are not alone. There is alot of us who understand your pain. Right after you find out is the most confusing time. As one person put it, and i don't recall who, it is like riding a emotional rollercoaster You also, do not have to be humiliated. You did not betray your SO. You may not have been M, but you were residing together, and at this point I'm going to assume, that you felt the two of you were committed because you were living together as a couple.

I will say this, and I say this because I was once in your shoes, living together before M. Think very hard before you get M. This is the condensed version. We lived together, and had 2 children. When the youngest at that time was 6 mo. old, he had an A. He left me to be with her. About 6 mo. after that, he was making measurable moves to get back together. At that time, I refused to live with him. We had to be M, first. I figured if he could walk out on me with 2 kids, because we were not M, then I needed something more concrete. Well, I suspect that he has either started seeing her again or he never discontinued it. We have been M almost 5 years.

It is possible that he scared himself after he proposed. But then again, after my H first proposed, he got cold feet within 2 weeks and was not sure. He said he was sure he wanted to marry me, just was not sure if right now was a good time.

So I suggest you proceed cautionsly before taking the big plunge. I had honestly thought that because we got M, that he had the chance to try the single life after experiencing the family life and wanted his family back. I foolishly believed that he would not jeopardize our M or his relationship with his children.

Good luck and I hope yours has a happier ending than mine did.

I don't know if you're still on line, but I thank you for your rapid reply. I need support in any and every way I can get it right now. And in a twisted sort of way, I need immediate responses because I'm so out of my element.

I hate coming to terms with the fact that love is not enough. Perhaps I've been the victim of too many movies and novels that suggests the opposite.

I want desperately to believe that everything is going to be okay. Not easy, but okay. That love will triumph in the end. But there's also the fear of naivete. Am I an idiot for thinking that things can really improve; or should I suspect that if he did this once, he's certainly capable of doing it again?

I'm so scared and so humiliated. I'm not even comfortable talking about this with even my closest friends because I am embarassed. What a tragedy?!?!?!? I'm embarassed because he was sleeping with someone else! Who's the bigger fool?

I have never managed this level of conflict over what I should do or what I want to do. When I say I'm confused, I really mean it. I have both the desire to kick him out of my life for this violation, but the very strong desire to overcome this indiscretion (to say the least) and hope that we'll be stronger because of it.

On a side note, the "ow" had the indecency to call my house and apologize. When I found out, I told him to call her to tell her that I knew. I figures (hoped) that he would choose a person who would have enough of a moral center to realize how fundamentally WRONG this whole thing was. I am torn about calling her back. I think it can't be constructive; on the other hand, I would really like to give her a piece of my mind. But, really, what GOOD would that accomplish.

Forever in your debt,

db

You will go through a whole bunch of emotions, anger, fear, confusion, you name it you will feel it.

As you say, this level of conflict. This is about the worst betrayal you will have to endure. You trusted him. Some have become stronger because of sticking it out. Read some posts in Recovery.

Don't make any rash decisions while you are going through this. Some will say, you are not m, run while you can. I think you need to take the time to think this out. Make the decision that is right for you, so you will have no regrets. If that means working on the R, and if you canot regain the trust, then cut the losses. You might have a stronger relationship.

I would forget her. Now, has your SO, ended it with the OW? WS, get into this fog type way of thinking. We don't understand where they are coming from. Some relate it to them being abducted by aliens and the real person was replaced with their lookalike.

Come here to vent, read other posts, read the links on the website. The basic concepts, Plan A, all that stuff. I'm not very good at putting links in, so I won't attempt it. NRS, another poster out here, when he posts to someone will ususally include these links.

You have to decide if you think he is worth working this out. Take the time you need to do this. In the beginning you feel almost deperate. You need answers NOW. Things will settle down. When the walls start to close in on you, go for a walk. It is what I do. A park is a nice relaxing locations.

B,

I too am sorry you are here; but what a great group of people you'll find since you are.

The beginning is so very hard. NEVER have I had such an extreme set of emotions. What helped me early on was reading,reading,reading. I was desperate for perspective. My favorite Harley books are His Needs/Her Needs & Surviving An Affair. You can purchase them through this website; postage is cheaper than Amazon and they also come quicker. Another book I've just started is Give/Take. This book really struck me because it is I believe the answer to my particular situation.

However new as you are stick with the 1st 2 books first. There is also an excellent article that I can't think of at the moment. MBers help me out here...it's the one on findarticles.com that is often recommended on this website. Very helpful as it is from Psychology Today from 1998.

Journalling helped me lots too. Gave me an outlet for all of those feelings; and now gives me a history to compare to "How I am doing" today vs yesterday.

Exercise also has helped me. Counseling is also necessary I believe. Currently my H and I are counseling with Steve Harley. We both like and appreciate his "coaching philosophy" vs traditional therapy.

Post,Post,Post here....lots It's helped me keep my sanity. There are very wise people here who have helped tremendously. Most of all be very kind to yourself. You're going to need all the kindness and compassion you can get. CSue

B,

I read backwards and saw you are in counseling. Good; glad your H is willing to go to.

I wish there was some magic to take away the extreme pain you're feeling that we all felt early on.

Best I can say is it does get better. Not all by itself; but with time and effort. I told my H that the only thing worse than this would be if one of our children died. My mother died 20 years ago and this is still more painful than that event.

I have often wished that WS would be able to look forward and see the pain that they cause. My H was very surprised at the level of pain; especially in our case where he says he ended it on his own and it was 4 years ago. He continued seeing the OW as friends throughout and until d-day.

The shock is tremendous especially because most of us don't think it is even possible for our spouse to betray us in this way. CSue