I wonder what goes on in my H's mind sometimes. For a start I never thought he would cheat on me but how wrong was I? Now it's about 3 months since d-day and I'm sure he thinks I should just be over it. He works with OW and still says he has feelings for her but that he would never let anything happen again (while ever we're together). How am I supposed to believe that when I didn't think he would let anything happen in the first place? I don't trust him and I trust her even less. He can't see a problem with talking to her and I'm supposed to be okay with that. I told him the only conversation they should ever have was about work. He thinks I'm over reacting.

They play together on a netball team and I have been going along to watch. It's hard to see her but I refuse to let her control my life in any way so I just keep showing up and pretending to be okay with everything. H has been very considerate of my feelings and has not even talked to her but then he told me that if I wasn't there he probably would talk to her. How does he figure that that would be okay? All that says to me is that he doesn't respect my feelings at all. He knows it would upset me but he would still do it. His justification is that if he avoids her completely, people will know there is something wrong. He's the one who told me that I shouldn't be worried about what other people think but that seems to be his sole focus. Again I think it's all about protecting himself and OW and I don't seem to factor in at all.

We also had a deal where if he worked with her he would let me know. He hadn't worked with her for over two months until the other day and then it was the next night before he told me about it. I was so mad. He said he couldn't tell me because he was scared of my reaction but I would have been fine if he had told me straight away. Instead, I felt as though he had something to hide. I explained to him that to keep things from me is not helping to build trust but he doesn't see it as keeping anything from me. It was just another work shift from his point of view. I'd be fine with that if I didn't know that he still has feelings for her.

I don't know where any of this is heading. I know what I want but I also know that H is not sure what he wants. As far as the physical side of our relationship, he says that it's wonderful physically but that it lacks emotion. How do you "fix" that? I've tried everything but it keeps coming back to the lack of passion (something he says he had with OW). He says he loves me but he dosen't feel close to me. Apparently I'm a "hard woman" who is too strong to really let anyone close. I don't see myself that way. I know I have barriers in place but that's because when I have asked for help I've only ever been hurt. Now I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't know how to be any different. H says he still wants to try to work things out and I want that more than anything but I don't know how to make things better. I just want him to love me and protect me. I don't want to be the strong one anymore - I want someone to look after me.

HRO

It's very sad...
...that your H refuses to separate from the OW.

At some time you'll have to cross the bridge...
...and... ask him to change jobs.

There have been several posts on this issue...
...the definitive one, you should check out...
Why I think the WS should quit their job if they work with the OP! This post was started by one of our most prolific veterans!

Keep Plan A-ing!

Have you considered counseling...
...even if it was just for yourself?
A counselor can be an effective tool in sending the unequivocal message that a "job change" is needed!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Dear Heartrippedout
I have just read your post, after writing a frighteningly similar post myself (under Tryingsohard). I can't understand why, if these men feel that the affair is over, it is necessary for them to continue to inflict pain. My H knows me better than anyone - we have been together for almost 12 years, and yet he chooses to ignore my feelings and continues to "protect" her. I am also so tired - I just want him to take over, to be strong and loving and to reassure me that we can do this - a hundred times a day, if necessary. I also want him to be forthcoming BEFORE I have to ask him (he also works with OW, but says that they don't need to see eachother). The hardest thing is banishing the images from my mind of them together. Also, he used to write that he loved her (says he never felt that in the way that "love" is meant (!!)) and she has written, countless times that she loves him. How do I accept that this is just over - just like that? I want to, believe me! At the beginning, I was strong. I did believe that we could overcome anything, if we worked together. Now I feel as though we are both working for different things and I don't know how to do this anymore.

I know how hard this is for you, HRO. I hope that your H sees your pain and wakes up before it is too late. Have you put him onto this site? Perhaps it will help him to understand that there is a necessary process to follow. Perhaps it will also help him to see how damaged and vulnerable you feel.

I wish you luck and happiness - and success.
Fishwife

Thanks for the responses. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. At the beginning we used to say that at least we had the physical side of our relationship and maybe we could build the rest. Now H is not even interested in that. I know it should never be just about sex but at least that was something we shared and enjoyed. Now it's as though we have nothing. I've been trying so hard to deposit into the love bank but it seems that no matter what I do, it just makes no difference. In fact I think H is withdrawing from me even more. I can't take this any more. I'm less than 7 weeks from having my second child now and it scares the h*ll out of me that I could be by myself. I never planned it this way and I would certainly never choose this. I try to just let things happen but if things are bad now, how can a new baby help? All that will do is put extra strain on our marriage. I'm so scared!

BTW H now says that he is "over" ow. I too don't understand how that can just happen. I want to believe that but I don't know if he is just saying it so that I'll get off his back about being with her at work. It's all too hard.

HRO

HRO -
I feel your pain! I am in the same position that you are in, my H refused to see the detriment of working w/ the ow and it cost him his job. He was fired for it.
You take care of youi and trust in your intuition. Don't let him tell you that you are delusional or paranoid.
The sad thing is - you won't be able to depend on him to get you through this. It hurts and feels horrible but it is true. You have to find yourself and figure out a way to make you happy. Once you get your expectations at zero for him then if he does give some then thats a start. Take things minute by minute but make a goal for yourself and work towards that.
As for your H I can promise you this... the truth will come out - it always does. I just hope that you aren't horribly devasted too. Protect yourself and in the process you might wake him up to see the precious person that you are!
You are in my thoughts!
Vent away here - thats what we are here for!