M 15+ Years; 3 beautiful children.
I had a visit 2-1/2 weeks ago from a woman who H always insisted was "just a friend". She said they had been having an A for 3-1/2 years. I had been trying to get him to break off this friendship for 2+ years. He told me had, several times. I thought that he really had broken ties for the last few months, because I hadn't found any evidence of contact. I was wrong. I confronted him, and he confessed. He said that he had been trying to break it off for almost a year. She tried to commit suicide last fall to hang on to him. Then she said she would tell me if he wouldn't at least talk to her. He refused to talk to her that day, and so she came to me. He said he was sorry, and would do anything to make our M work. Although she told me that I wouldn't have to worry about her making contact with him anymore, she tried to call him at least a dozen times that day to appologize (I listened to the voice mails). He changed his phone number. (She found his new direct connect # within a week.) The next day she found an excuse to come over when she knew I would not be home. He talked to her. He called her a few days later - and did not tell me about it. When I found out, he told me he just wanted to "tell her off". The next few day she called him at least 6+ times. I intercepted the voice mails. She has not called in the last week - that I know of. I'm not sure he's strong enough to turn away if she tries to make further contact - and I'm quite sure she will. He says he won't talk to her, but also says he still thinks of her as a friend.

I scheduled a counseling session the next day. We've gone 3 times now, but it seems so slow! I read SAA twice. He's on chapter 3.

Although he said he was willing do "do anything", he resents the fact that I've been monitoring his voice mail. He thinks I'm being a "watch dog" when I try to spend more time with him. I'm afraid if I back off, he'll have the freedom he need to do whatever he wants, and what he wants won't be me. Do I have to just be patient, and keep trying to fill his EM's - whatever they are - or is there a way I can get him to wake up and start working on us more? I have EM's too, and they're not being filled!

First, the both of you need to take the emotional needs questionaire from this site. It helps to know exactly what the both of you value as important, and work on it. Next, you need to tell him that him being in contact with her hurts your marriage. Therefore, that he should compose a no contact letter, mail it to her, so that she will get the point. She will call for awhile, he should not take her calls at work, nor at home. I'd screen her calls, delete her messages, and if she gets snappy, I'd let her know to leave us alone. She keeps calling, anything she has to say...say it to me. My husband did not have to do this letter, because he broke off on his own. But include in there about her suicide attempt, that he is not reponsible for what she does with her life, and that you both will pray that she doesn't do that. Be firm. Make sure that YOU send this letter, because if he talks with her now, then he may not have the guts to mail it or get it to her himself. Go with him to the P.O. this will be another major step for you in the right direction. God Bless!

I WANT to know what his needs are so I can work at filling them. He has not taken the survey, even though I've asked. He says that he can't think of any need that OW filled that I did not. I think she just had more time for him than I did. (Too busy with kids and work.) So, I'm making time for him - and he thinks it's too much! But I don't want to back off - I did that before, and look where it got me!

I took the EN survey. Told H the results. I don't see much change in him yet - but he thinks he's trying so that's something. Do I just keep telling him what my needs are? Make specific suggestions on how he can meet them?

How can I get him to take the survey without nagging? Our assignment from the MC this week is to make a list of our "expectations" of our spouse. That's similar to the survey - we'll see if he does it.

When I gave my husband the survey, I told him at his own convienence (sp). I also told him that he could not see my survey until he completes his. Then we swapped, read, and commented. Don't nag him, just put it in places he goes frequently, such as the bathroom, on his side of the bed, in his car. Sounds demanding, but I did it this way so I didn't have to outright ask him. Ask him to complete it for the benefit of the marriage. That something was missing for him to feel like he was lacking, thus he chose to have an affair. If he doesn't give you his emotional needs...he is bound to do this again when you can't fulfill them once again. If he completes the survey, don't get angry about anything that he has said. Because obviously, he finds it important to him. I would give him two weeks, and if he doesn't care to take a simple quiz, then he doesn't seem to want to help his marriage. You said that the OW didn't fulfill any needs that you may have lacked in fulfilling, or that you were but he had an affair anyway. I think that's what you said. Well, again he is lacking from the relationship somewhere, but if he feels the relationship isn't lacking anywhere, then it lies within him, this flaw--probably from something in his childhood--that he did this. I've read that in several books. So read some books and read here also. Somewhere you will get the help that you need. Most importantly--if you believe in God--He can heal your marriage. Ask him for the answers you both have been searching for, for completeness, emotional stability, desire for one another, that your husband realizes the amount of damage he has done, that you be a friend and not an angry wife when you have triggers or when he confides in you. I asked for a better marriage, and that we'd open our hearts to one another, blessing us more than we've ever been blessed. Ask Him to take away that spirit of worrying. Prayers will be answered--have faith, and patience.

<small>[ July 06, 2002, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: arnez ]</small>