My wife and I have been friends for 23 years, romantically involved for 15 and married for 12. Trust me when I say, we have shared an amazingly beautiful life for 15 years. Sadly we have no children. In Jan 02 my W was e-mailed by an old boyfriend that she was madly in love 20 years ago. They dated in HS but he dumped her, they rekindled three years later in college but he dumped her again. When he first e-mailed I was jealous but my wife reassured me it was just friendly conversation. She left all e-mails for me to see. I resisted looking because she never hid anything. He sent her poems and a copy of his novel to critique. The e-mails piled up but, he lives 2000 miles away so no big deal? Wrong! In May a trip to his city falls into W lap. I was planning to go along so no problem. Then last minute I must travel to China for two weeks and W now goes alone. W has a great time on vacation with her old boyfriend and they rekindle the sexual relationship. I am suffering on the other side of the globe but she on the phone she reassures me that there is nothing to worry about. Back home again, OM continues to e-mail but now I do read and find the smoking gun. When confronted she admitted most of the truth saying she is confused and she loves both of us. She tells me it is over but e-mails him a love letter. She lies and tells me it was goodbye e-mail. I confront and she admits to strong love for him. One month later we are trying to work things out. She did finally totally break off with him. I truly love her and she truly knows. My problem is I don't believe she loves me anymore and she is only staying with me because the OM is way too high risk. The OM surly doesn't love her. He is a charismatic and well-educated idiot with a drinking problem and openly admits to 25 years of unfaithful behavior in his relationships. He offers an exciting artificial bohemian lifestyle and I offer truth and stability. She is really working hard trying to prove her love for me but I just don't buy it. I am in endless pain thinking about her love for him. Now I think divorce is the only way free of my pain. Am I wrong?

If you haven't read the book "Surving An Affair" yet - do it NOW! I'm still too new at this to offer advice. But the book has been a HUGE comfort and help to me. I'm reading it for the 3rd time - and trying to get my H to do so as well.

Welcome zarrasierra...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

Forget about the thoughts of divorce...
...it is a road to disaster!

Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Get a new 'NO CONTACT' letter going...
...from your W to OM...
...with your review!

The one in "Surviving An Affair"(SAA) is a good one...
...and steps for her to rebuild her trust in you are there too!

Extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee separation...
</font>

1. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)</font></li>
2. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)</font></li>
3. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Accounting for time</font></li>
4. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Accounting for money</font></li>
5. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Spending leisure time together
   </font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

I know how you feel. My W's EA has brought out all sorts of self doubts that I haven't thought about in years. Namely that she married me bc I was the safe dependable type who can support her and raise a family not the exciting type, "soul mate" like the OM. BTW she knew OM before we were married but he was engaged to his first wife. I have always thought that if not for that she may have dated and married him. Many years of marriage erased these feelings but now here they are again slappping me in the face.
I also know that during the A she and he discussed the topic of D in a round about way (according to her). He wouldn't do it bc of his children. Again makes me wonder if not for kids would she be w/ him. Is she just waiting for the kids to grow up so they can be together. Am I just the financial support until then? Do I have that hanging over my head?? Maybe the trust will return but it will take some time.

PLEASE PARDON ALL THE MISTYPES AND MISSPELLINGS! IT IS VERY LATE WHERE I AM AT! :-)

Wow! This story sounds so simular to mine. My H and I have been married for 8 years. We are a military family and for most of 2001, we spent it apart. He was deployed Feb 2001-June 2001, then Again for Operation Enduring Freedom in Sept. 2001 to March 2002. In Jan, his grandmother whom he was very close to, we hospitalized with a terminal illness. My H was overseas at the time and I was at home with our boys. We flew to California to be with his Grandmother, and he too flew out after being granted Emergancy leave.

I had a family website posted on Geocities.com. It basically had updates as to what we were doing and lots of pictures. The link to our family website was also posted on Classmates.com. My H's highschool girlfriend apparently had been keeping tabs on the website and contacted him for the 1st time ever, through our email link on our website while were in California saying that the 2 of them should get together. I said NO WAY. I just didn't think it was right.

We were all together for 2 weeks, and she contacted him just 2 days before I and our 2 sons where to fly back home. He had to return back to overseas duty 2 days after I and our boys left.

We were apart for 1 more month until he came home in March.

When he came home he was so distant. I could tell something was wrong. I cornered him and confronted him as to why he is being this way. He kept telling me that being away from the family for 5 months is a major adjustment. I completely understoond. 2 weeks after his return home, I had found a calling card in has wallet. Calling the 800 customer service, I found out he had been calling her.

For the next 1 1/2 months, our relationship was turmoil. The day after I found the calling card, he had to leave our homestate and head to California because his grandmother passed away. After he returned, we didn't talk, he was very very distant and even asked me for a divorce.

I was clueless as to what was going on. I had a feeling but everytime I would confront him, he would deny talking to her, or that he even saw her.

He threated divorce and threatened to take the children away from me. His sister saw everything that was going on with him and her while he was in California and FINALLY...SOMEONE BURST HIS BUBBLE!!!

She told me that they had been in contact since the day the boys and I left to fly home. He tole me that was the first time he saw her. He then returned overseas and they were keeping on contact there. Emails and so forth. How she found out, the OW called and told her all of this. My SIL and OW where friends before when My H and her were dating 10 years ago. MY SIL told me also that when my H was there for the funeral, (He was there for 2 weeks. The boys and I couldn't go because my oldest is in school and couldn't miss anymore days), they had kept in contact by phone, they went out to dinner several times, spending a lot of time together. She is a single mother. She would call the house countless times, and there were times when he and I were on the phone, he would lie to me and tell me it was for someone eles in the house, and then get off the phone with me to talk to her. I was absoulutly devasted. She didn't know how to tell me about all of this. She wanted my H to be the one to tell me. But when he threatened to take our boys from me, even though I didn't do anything wrong, that is when she gave me this information. She wanted to to use it incase we had to fight in court. I was so devasted. My heart had been ripped out. My husband had cheated on me with this other woman whom he dated 10 years ago! She and my H dated for only a year, but still....I didn't know what else to say or do.

I emailed her, after all the times she emailed me telling me she wanted to meet me, she was sorry that she didn't get to see my H while were were in Califonia and she was sorry that she didn't get to meet, "(H's Name)'s Boys" Uhmm..shouldn't she have said, "Your Boys."?

I confronted my H and he fessed up! Finally the truth was coming from somewhere. He didn't know what to do. He told me EVERYTHING. Where they went, what they did. All of it. It was punishment to hear the details, but I had to know. This Affair that the 2 of them had been having had been going on for 4 months now! It was awful! But, he didn't want to give up on he and I. A lot of tears where shed. A lot of I am sorry, what can I do? Why did I hurt you? I am so sorry....All of it. But it just didn't feel like it would be good enough. I was so upset, I was so pissed. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get passed this. But I wanted to try and he vowed to try and bring us out of this.

I told him that the only way that we were going to get past this is that he has to tell her goodbye. I didn't push him as to when, but I made it clear that I wasn't going to wait. 2 weeks after he told me he wanted to try at our marriage, he emailed her telling her, "Good bye, take care, have a nice life"

We are now in recovery. We are 2 months into recovery. We are seeing a counselour. At times I admit, I still get so angry and wonder if the 2 of them are still talking. But one thing that I did learn is that no matter what I say or do, or anything, that i have no control over what HE does, only have control over what I do. We are on the path walking together now. He has made it very clear how sorry he is. I too know that he is and now realize that no matter what I did, it was him. He was the one who made the choice, not I.

I totaly understand where it is that you are coming from. The pain is terrible! I definatly agree with so many here...No LBing....Read the books and come to this site. So many people have helped me. Just when I thought that my marriage was totally over...I mean, this other woman had the nerve to email me and tell me that the reason why my husband has turned to her is because of the kind of person I am...and the reason why he is leaving is because of me. Quickly did I learn that this wasn't the case. Obviously. Other wise he wouldn't be here trying to save our marriage. I knew all along it was a line of bull, but still, hard to swallow. I sometimes ask myself why the heck am I here? Even though it has only been 2 months since the discovery and since he has said goodbye to her, I still get pissed. I want to just walk out and tell him to bad...you messed up. But I couldn't walk out unless trying.

Counseling has been a very big plus for us. I mean, I was so depressed and on medication when all of this started. I am doing so much better now, but we both have been working hard and have been slowly but surley trying to take the right steps. I hope that the 2 of you will work through this...read the poem at the bottom of my profile. I go by this everyday. I will say a prayer for you! Sorry if this is so long. I just know how you feel. It is so hard, but with time and patience, lots of reading and support, you will be able to get through this. I didn't think so before, but found out that yes I could and that yes I will.

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: FeelingAlone2002 ]</small>

Considering his unfaithful past, my first question is....have you both been checked for stds? I wouldn't go anywhere near her without that!