Hi,
New to this site, have read tons. My D-Day was February 9th, my H had an EA over the internet with a high school sweetheart. I am 41, he is 47; he hadn't been in contact w/her for 27 years. He looked her up thinking he'd like to rekindle the friendship and was surprised by how hard the old feelings hit. He told me three weeks after first contact, when he knew he was in over his head.
Never did a formal "No Contact" letter because he said if I gave him an ultimatum, he'd walk. He said he wanted very much to work things between them into a friendship. I decided to let it run it's course and I believe it has. Things were over end of March but there is still some contact from her; he says he does not reciprocate. He has deleted all her emails, he does not chat online any more (has removed the program) the LD calls are gone from our phone bill.
Well, I went and did a probably stupid thing this weekend. I found a folder with some old emails in it and read them. He really didn't know he had any left - he's done another search and delete this morning; he's quite embarrassed by his actions.
Well, my reading those emails made him furious. I know I withdrew tons of points <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But what I read really hurt me and it feels like new lies, new deceptions, "finding out" all over again.
While he was swearing to me that he was winding things down, he was courting her full out. Cybersex, planning to get a house and settle "once we extract ourselves from our current marriages", signing his emails "all my love" stuff like that. He was either lying to me or lying to her about the status of their relationship. It's months in the past but it feels brand new.
One other thing I read that hurt was the derogatory things he said about me. He has always been so proud of me and supportive, and bragged on me. He is my biggest fan. He told her I cussed him out, that he had never loved me and that she was "only the catalyst" in his decision to leave me, called me some insulting things. All this while he was swearing to me he was trying to deal with the instant love he felt (left over huge love bank account, he said) and make it grow smaller. He was saying ugly things about me and trying to make deposits with her.
Well, things between them really did deteriorate and I'm sure they're over, so my questions are:
1. How do I deal with this new feeling of deception when in his mind it's clearly over and done with? I told him I read the emails so he knows what state of mind I'm in.
2. How do I deal with the hurt and betrayal he's feeling because I read his emails? That is unethical and two wrongs don't make a right. Do I just Plan A my little heart out?
3. How do I trust him again? He had sent her all kinds of gifts (and he'd told me of a couple earlier and swore that was all there were). He swore he was trying to extricate himself from that relationship when in fact he was wooing her big time.
I just need some reminders of what folks have done in similar situations. What kinds of things do you tell yourself so you don't keep seeing those danged emails floating before your eyes again and again?
ltward
