After the discovery of my H 3 affairs....I can say that 4 1/2 weeks of great effort on my part and some on his, we are finally opening the doors of communication.

He is no longer on the defense, I am taking great efforts at not taking pot shots, we are back to being intimate and the memories of us together overcrowd the memories of my H and them. We snuggle and cuddle and talk...without anger, without defense....

In a great effort to help ease the pain, and this might be somewhere noted on the site that I havent come across.....I wanted to note some things that got me through this.

1. Keep a notebook of questions that you might have and if your and your WS is willing to reconcile, ask them for the answers if it will help ease the pain. It did for me.....not recommended for those with a weak heart....it might not be the answer that you want.

2. Dont mistake your WS's feelings for OP as that of undying love...its more along the lines like 2 people getting caught doing something and they defend themselves together.

3. The OP is a victim of your relationship. Some bring it on themselves, but your spouse is the one that allowed it to happen. They could always say no.

4. Make new memories together. It will help cloud out the ones that you keep making in your mind of them together.

5. Change all cell phone numbers if possible. We had a serious problem with one not taking no for an answer. It was good to a point because my H then realized that she was just this side of whacked by the way she was acting and he lost interest immediately.

6. If your spouse isnt feeling as remorseful as you want them to be...be patient..they are still in shock that your not going to pull a rabbit out of your hat and shock them.

7. They wont instantly forget anything....but the A will eventually fade away.

8. You can do serious damage by recreating the scenario over and over again. This could actually push them back to the safety of the OP.

9. If you say that you forgive them, forgive them. Dont keep trying to make them pay for it over and over again.

10. Starting over after an A is like starting a brand new relationship. You have to replace every stone with a new one to rebuild your relationship.

11. DOnt turn into the person that you think they want you to be...like the OP for instance....be who you were when they fell in love with you to begin with.

12. When spouse makes comments about OP....tell them that at this point, its still uncomfortable for you to talk about it without pain and that right now its not a good time, but maybe later.

13. Seek counseling immediately....when someone else is involved, the spouse seems to have to deal with it more so than if noone else was involved.

14. Dont judge or critisize...listen...then come here and vent or ask questions. The more in the open, the better off you will be later. No surprises.

15. It will seem like you have to do all the work....but its a small sacrafice if its what you want...

16. Make sure you look at yourself through a looking glass before you start nitpicking...you might be shocked at what you really see.

17. People you confide in...might not have your best intentions at heart. Be careful who you share with and what you say to them. After its over, you are still going to have to be you and face these people.

18. If spouse does make little comments that you find offensive....dont yell at them....just say that at one point it might of been cute or funny but currently, it hurts moreso and ask that they be a little over considerate at this point. If they are interested in making it work...they will stop.

These are just my observations....I have a long road to travel, but feel that my H and I have accomplished alot more than others in the same boat by being overly aware that this is a very difficult situation and its not going to go away.

I found a package of condoms in my H car....when asking about them.....I looked at the positive that they were unopened.....then I asked him calmly and non accusingly why and he blew up, realizing his mistakes I then said that Im not accusing, was glad they were unopened...but just wanted to know when they were purchased.....it was uncomfortable, but the answer was given. It hurt, but its a closed door now.

I know this is little stuff, but it seems to help...the biggest is that when and if this is over....I would like to think that i will be a better and stronger person because of it and will go away into the future with a little less pain and a lot more confidence in myself....its the little things that keep you going....in reflection of a wise person from here....its the little glimmers that keep you going......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">8. You can do serious damage by recreating the scenario over and over again. This could actually push them back to the safety of the OP. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what you're saying here. But what about when little bits and pieces have been divulged and new discoveries keep being made? That sort of forces recreation of the scenario for a while, doesn't it? Then once all cards are on the table and questions have been answered, then leave it alone and move on?

ltward

I mean the actual issue of the A. There are going to be new revelations for the first part of it....based on the BS reaction will set the pace of how long it will take to be revealed....I know that it seems like from the beginning....phone call, note, email, text message, affair 1, details, e-sex, affair 2 & 3, phone calls, condoms, ......each is a new issue that pertains to the same subject....they are parts of a whole...until you get the whole, you cant resolve the part....

I just know that when I kept referring to the A that it would make my H angry or defensive....so I started addressing the little parts and slowly it started resolving itself...it all hurts....dont get me wrong....it just seemed to work best for me to accept the A as the whole and the rest the parts....I forgave my H for the A....that includes the parts....does that make sense...

This is the hardest thing in my life I have ever done...I overanalyze stuff so breaking it down like this works for me...but might not for others....I pray for all those that have been betrayed as I never knew there was a pain out there so great....cause in my life....poverty, abuse, molestation, death, murder....none of these hurt me as bad as this did....the healing process has begun.....Im just working and running off the glimmers of hope......Im starting to see the rainbow... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />