<small>[ July 14, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Lyxa:

I'm sorry for not following much of your story of late, but this one caught my attention.

I've been "involved" with my W when the kids were around. If we were being so crass that we got their attention, we'd stop. Your W's OM is being very selfish and inconsiderate of your W's and his kid's feelings. Your W probably simply wasn't thinking. Small children can be very perceptive, and an incident like that may stay with them and affect them adversely for the rest of their lives.

On a trip to visit his W? SHEEZ!

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Lyxa:

Try to remember that she's fogged. She simply isn't thinking about the consequences of her actions.

The hard part in all this is that you need to know what happened, but that description was so graphic that you will have a very hard time overcoming the "movie" playing over in your head.

The best you can do is work on you with plan A, be as loving and understanding of your W as you can, and wait. Set a reasonable time-limit for you to go to plan B if you have to, and try to stick by that. In my case, I didn't feel like my plan A was effective enough (without major LBs) until 2 months after D-day, so I set my plan B time limit for 6 months after that. Since I'm now about half-way there, I need to start working on the details of how I'm going to implement it if the time comes and we're not in recovery.

all my best,

Lxya,

My take on this is that it wasn't about the child. The child was a convenient way to put your W in a very uncomfortable situation and then demonstrate his domination of her. She didn't move because she didn't want to displease him, and therefore would and did endure a very embarressing situation because of her feelings for her. It was a test to see that he could control her. He passed, she failed.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all very much. One of the hardest things in coming to terms with this is erradicating the notion that my wife might be a sexual deviant/pervert. She never did those things in our marriage and in this relationship with him... it was balls to the wall.

I think I had pretty much gotten over it until she told me about this incident. It re-raised all of those other questions. I don't mind when she is deviant with me (grin), I'm her husband. But, all of this makes me wonder if she doesn't need the "forbidden love" aspect of an affair to be happy... something I can never ever give her.

I have to say that your wife is pretty sad. It is unbelievable that she would allow this to happen in front of a 3 year old and allow it to continue. It would tell me that she is easily controlled by the OM
and I would suspect that she could be easily controlled by others in the future. You do not have children. I think you should think about your future and think about finding someone you can respect and admire. I think you deserve better than this.

If she allowed the OM to do this in front of his child what makes you think that she didn't allow him to have sexual intercourse. In fact, it would seem from his disrespectful actions that he already knew her in a biblical sense and knew that she would not refuse or do anything to stop him. The OM may be a disgusting scumhead for doing this in the presence of his child but your wife is no better for allowing him to continue to do her.

Yes, she was easily controlled by him. I think that she's finally starting to see this. I am very concerned about her being controlled this way again in the future as well. The intercourse thing is still an issue with me. But she swears up and down that it didn't occur. And, believe me... I've pressed. I've also pressed all of the rationalizations... possible:
- It wasn't intercourse cuz he wore a condom.
- It wasn't intercourse cuz she didn't orgasm.
- It wasn't intercourse cuz he pulled out before he orgasmed.
- It wasn't intercourse cuz he only went in a few times by "accident".

In each case, she has vehemently denied it. I find myself wondering why she would confess to all of the other stuff but consistently deny this one?

The child thing is disturbing. You would think that he would have stopped fingering her while the child was right there asking what was wrong. In the paralysis of the moment, with him doing such a humiliating thing in front of the child, with him saying such things, with her being turned on... I guess I can see where she didn't stop him. I guess the only real options were for him to stop fingering (which is what you think he'd do)... or for my wife to pull his hand out of her pants and have the child see even more. The whole thing makes me sick. I guess this is why I'm going to independent counselling. <weak grin>

Wow... All I have to say is that no matter what if genetilia is involved it was sex/intercourse. No matter how you look at it or justify it. Or weather there was protection or orgasm or not. This is not a Clintonesque version of what "is" means. Sex is Sex!

As for the child present... well... looks like the OM has no morals what so ever. I think the OM was just trying to put your wife in a "trying" situation. The exitement of getting caught coupled with the innocence of a child present. He most likely thought the kid would be oblivious to it. I also think that even though your W was "uncomfortable" with the situation she did not exactly dislike it. For the child to become aware and be concerned she had to make some noise. For the OM to pass it off as her feeling ill it had to sound similar to groans of illness. Take it for what it is worth... but I think there is more to the story here. Sorry to say that. I have read your posts and know you love your W deeply and she has trashed you confidence and trust for her. I think that she is still do it by not being honest and only telling you what you want to hear.

Good luck with it all... I pray for you.

Mad