Just want to let everyone that reads this, to know I am the bad one here. I have been married for 16 years and have two wonderful children and a wonderful wife but I made the worst mistake of mylife about 5 years ago when I got involved with someone else. I never told my wife because things got better and I was so afraid to lose her after what I had done. Things have been GREAT between us since then but she had always felt something had gone on but I always denied it because things were great between us except for the occasional questions about something happening. It fact it had been an EXTREMELY long time since she had questioned anything but for some reason this week it seemed to really bother her that she thought somthing had happened. I felt secure in our relationship and felt I hadn't been far from keeping it from her, so I told her. She is devistated and I feel so bad that I have hurt her that I feel like dying. Did I do the right thing or should I have not told her.
In case anyone is wondering I have not seen the other person for over 4 years. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The sad faces at the end of my post is because I love my wife and I am sad that I have hurt her, the sad faces are NOT because I haven't seen the other person. I hate the other person

Hey there deserve,

You are a human being and will make mistakes. We all do. You do NOT deserve to die, though I am sure you feel tremendous feelings of remorse for hurting someone you love. Please hang in there and read all the info you find on this site. It will help you a lot.

You did the right thing to tell your wife. You have moved on, and as you have said, you haven't seen the OW for four years. The important thing is for you and your wife to talk through this. Your wife will be hurt. You have betrayed her trust in you. You have to rebuild that trust. You also have to discover WHY the affair happened in the first place. Do the inventories with your wife about emotional needs so that you can discover together how you can strengthen your marriage.

It can be even better than it was before. Don't be afraid to lose your wife. Now that she knows, do all you can to show her you want to be the best husband you can be to her. All you can do is learn from this and build.

As a wife whose husband betrayed her, and I even had to discover and confront my husband, I can honestly say I never wanted my husband to die. As hurt and angry as I have been, I still know life is precious.

Move forward and come here often for help and insight.

Good luck and take care.

She is so hurt and devistated right now, why was it the right thing to tell her ?

Hi Deserve,

A great marriage cannot be build upon lies. If you are witholding information from your wife that you know will hurt her, you are obligated to tell her about it in as kind and compassionate a way as you can to help her deal with it and to help you to deal with the havoc you have wreaked.

It was the right thing to tell her in part because your intuition and hers told you it needed to be told! She suspected something even though things had been good between you. And you denied and denied and finally felt it would be ok (in other words you felt you both were strong enough for it) to tell her. So you did.

Now you build from here.

So she knows you made a big mistake. You hurt her. You both have to deal with it now.

Invite her to come to the site. Read Harley's book together "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair." You have done a lot of the work already. The affair is over and dead. You have to understand now why it happened so that it doesn't happen again.

Does this help?

I know your wife's pain. I've been there. The lies are harder to take than the actual affair, at least to me. My H lied for 6 years and it broke my heart. Your wife will be devastated, but she has every right to know.

I suggest reading Torn Asunder and the article 'shattered vows' at findarticles.com
They will help you see that your wife needs all of her questions answered honestly. She is probably feeling that the last 4 years were one big fat lie.

I strongly recommend counseling, it is what saved us. We would not be together without it.

Hold your wife (if she'll let you). Cry with her. Let her know you'll do anything to rebuild your marriage. Apologize, apologize. Ask her to go to counseling.

and please NEVER cheat on her again. Good luck

DTD - It was the right thing to tell her, because she has a right to know what her marriage is or isn't. It was the right thing to tell her, because continued dishonesty would eat away at you and keep you and your wife from enjoying a real marriage, one based on honesty and mutual respect. It's right to tell her because now you both can learn what true love, grace and forgiveness are all about.

I'll be praying for you both as you begin this difficult journey, but one that hopefully will lead to a relationship grounded in truth.

It's only been a week and it has been a rollercoaster ride. One minute she seems like herself and then the next minute she is understandably so hurt that it seems like she can't go on. We have even but close 4 times this week but then goes between thinking we can get through this to not thinking we can make it through this. Is it normal for her to feel such opposite highs and lows. I thought she would just simply hate me at this point for what I've done

highs and lows are normal! She will be trying to move past the A one minute, the next minute she will probably be consumed with images of the OW with you. Be patient with her and let her know how much you love HER, and what you are willing to do to help her get past this. It takes time (something I am still trying to deal with), but you both CAN get through this. If your W has questions (as all BS do), answer them honestly for her! NO MORE LIES!!! (lies make moving on much more difficult!)

I have read "Surviving an Affair" (so has my WH), and we both got a LOT out of it!!! I recommend you get it for your wife... and you should read it too!

Thing will get better! Hand in there!

-mc needs your help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />