I have been lurking on here for about 7 months. I find all the advice you have given others so encouraging and helpful. I will give you a brief summary of my "life".

My H of 27 years had an EA (or it could have been a PA, he won't admit to that part)with a co-worker for approx. 2 years (he won't admit to the lenghth of time...says he did mark it down).

I had a gut feeling (they are real)so I finally kept questioning him until he finally admitted that there was someone else but he wouldn't tell me who. That was in September.

I kept telling him that I needed to know who she was...it was important to me. Alot of crying...depression....couldn't get out of bed. Finally he told me it was someone he met at a regional meeting and saw periodically. She was from the eastern part of the state. We live in the western part.

I didn't buy that. So by December I was fed up and told him I was leaving after Christmas if he didn't tell me the truth. This is when he told me it was PP (another woman I caught him calling 6 or 7 years ago..) I was devastated. This must mean he has been in love with her all this time.

So After 3 months I got up the nerve to call her. I just wanted to know how she felt about him. I called her the last time I discovered their R and she was very nice.. Well, to say the least she was furious...she said it wasn't her and she was going to give him a piece of her mind...and alot of other things that convinced me that it wasn't her.

Now he is insisting it is her still. So I hired a PI...(that is really humiliating isn't it)to get me a copy of his cell phone bill from work. This was just what I needed.

The woman was a very close co-worker. They had continued the "friendship" until I discovered it was her in April. I asked him why he continued to call her (even though he only called her 4 times in one month....after work hours)and he said, it was different....it wasn't the same...(what does that mean?)

We have gone to counseling...she said he is very depressed and he should be medicated...he won't do it. I get more depressed when we come out...I cry the whole time (even though I am on Zoloft) and he feels badly...We are now on a break from counseling. I will say this, he willingly went for us.

We are doing okay...he doesn't like to talk about it and I need to talk about it. I get to the point where I am picking fights just to get him to talk about it.

Here is where I need your help. He has the opportunity to return to his old job that he left 13 years ago. It is a long shot but this would be the answer to my prayers. He is angry that I want him to do this. He says he doesn't have a problem with working with her.

I try to look at the things he is doing to improve our relationship. It is promising or I wouldn't be here still. He says he loves me and I have given him plenty of opportunities to leave, but he stays.

But there are things I need....proof that he wants to change. I need him to apply for this job and to give me copies of his cell phone bill. So far he hasn't done either. He gets very angry about these. He says I am trying to control him.

When I tell him I need reassurance, like flowers, phone calls, cards...he says I am trying to control him. If he doesn't think to do it, it won't mean anything. He says I have always tried to control him.

I am looking forward to your responses. I would expecially like to hear from WS as to how I can make him realize how much these two things would mean to me. Thanks.

hi
sorry your here, but welcome and I hope some one can help , at least to deal with all the emotions you must be feeling.
There are some good threads with lots of good information.

First although you know this now, never assume everthing these women say is true, some may very well be, but I remember my husband returning home from sleeping with someone, I called and he had just left her house, she said and I quote...i WOULD NEVER DO THAT AS MY MORALS ARE TOO HIGH.
I swear to god those were her words and she had just had sex with my husband. I remember burning his clothes that night, yes litrally, I remember him saying but honey those are good jeans, that shirt cost 60 bucks... I burned it all right down to the underwear and socks, he thought I lost my mind. haha ok Maybe I had.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I also believe our gut instinct is always right, mine hasnt been wrong yet.

I am a WS as well but cant tell you how to make him realise these things are important as I have been trying to tell my husband I need these things for years and years.... sigh hasnt occured to him, untill this past year and even now he forgets to do things.

It sounds as if he still wants to be married, have you read plan A and if you have read it a couple of times and learn what is best for you and husband. also keep doing the counseling and if you can afford it, you could try phone counceling with the harleys most who have tried have loved it.

Leaving the job is reccomended to save the marriage, But I do understand how sometimes your lively hood and everything is effected and you have those responsibilities as well to handle, But it never hurts to apply for new jobs, because he just might find one that pays more and is more enjoyable.

He needs to see that the problem is not that he doesnt have a problem working with her.. but you have an issue with that and he needs to address those issues.
Men sometimes see things differently than we do.
I have to go see a new baby at the hospital, But will check on you later, IT helps to vent here and most if not all are very understanding.

I believe alot of these concepts work, although my husband thinks they are silly I practice some things on my own.

BIG HUG FOR YOU <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mom,
Thanks for replying. We talked last night and he explained to me why he doesn't want to go back to his old job. The company wanted him back (he received phone calls from management)two years ago and made him go through the whole interviewing process then chose someone else. He is also management and he feels they were jerking him around for leaving them. Now the job is available again...seems no one wants to work for them.

He did say something that I needed to hear. I was saying how I feel every morning when he leaves for work knowing he will see her...he said he doesn't want anything to do with her...she is crazy. That is the first I have ever heard him say anything negative about her. It is amazing how that sentence helped me.

He is very depressed about all of this. I don't think it is withdrawls. He said he feels so guilty and can't let go. He said he hates the fact he isn't in control of any aspect of is life. He smokes and he wants to quit. He lets people take advantage..(I wonder if he means her). He has gotten very mean..he was never like this before. I asked him to take the AD the therapist wanted to give him and he won't.

Our families do not know about any of this. Either do our children (young adults). The Therapist says they must suspect something is wrong but until they ask, they don't really want to know. Why hurt everyone else. We are trying to work it out.

I just hate the highs and lows I have. So does he. Each time I have a low day...he is ready to give up. I have to get my act together and pick him up too. I guess that is his way of telling me enough is enough. I am really putting him through the wringer I guess. I wish I could stop.

I haven't told him about MB. I am afraid of his reaction. He never did believe in getting help from anyone. I have read Torn Asunder and Monogomy Myth. But it seems sort of useless when I am the only one using this information.

I am in Plan A....most of the time. Once a week or so I get low...got to get past that. I get to the point where I want someone to Plan A me....how do you get past that?

He says I am too needy...I have too many needs. Is that possible? (going back to the flowers, cards, phone calls) I guess that means there are too many for him to meet. I see that as a way of saying he doesn't love me enough to meet them. I have certainly made every effort to meet his needs even though he has turned my life upsidedown. His one need that I am having trouble meeting is "he wants me to be happy again". How do I get him to see that if he would meet my needs (above) I would be happier. He just doesn't get it.

Well I gotta work now. Thanks again.

hi mad,

I hope you are feeling better today.. or at least having a better day.
I understand about highs and lows, they will continue for a long time and it is something you will just learn how to handle.
I think when we are realy healed, they become less and less.
Men dont always respond the same way we do and sometimes men need to be told how to give the attention we are seeking and even then some do not try.
They do not see things as emotionally as we do..
he sees gifts as.. you can buy what ever you want.. if you want something go buy it. I see it as How wonderful you took time out to do something sweet for me.
I am not just talking money.. I owuld be happy with a glass of tes when he gets himself one or at least ask..
its the little things.

I have not learned how to get through all the lies and find the truths.. my husband only admitted things he was actually caught at. the rest is all a secret to me. I used to say ok I know this and this and this and he would break down and admit.. of course I knew nothing just gut feelings and they were all 100 percent right.
Something I will have to live with if I stay married.
But I do love him and I am sure you love yours.
I have many times tried to get my husband to go to the dr for medication, but he is not willing to admit he needs help with any thing, ever. He sees it as a cry for help and he is too much of a man for that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have been doing a planA of sorts, No WE are neither one in an A, but I have learned it is a great way to learn to communicate and discuss with out making disrespectful judgements and have learned alot and my house is a lot nicer since I stated and I iwll continue and try and AFFAIR PROOF MY MARRIAGE .
For now if you just need support read and learn for your self and then when the time is right maybe you could show husband the questions and read some of the material with him. My husband read everything here, but he will not post to any one. Says it is stupid and silly.
But he reads.. so he cant be that bored with it.

as far as H thinking you are trying to control him, maybe you need to approach your request a little differently. I never realised it before but I had to learn a whole new way of speaking to him, so I didnt upset him or give him the wrong idea.
Because when I thought I was just asking a question in his mind I was being a controlling witch.

Now he says whats wrong with you!? wonders if he is in the right house.

when I first had the affair and he found out, I used to get very annoyed at him wanting to know where I was at every second of every day... he would page , call, drove me insane that I considered making him leave just so I could have some peace.
However I learned this was a need he had so I started calling him when I got somewhere and i would say.. oh my phone doesnt work call me back at this number, and he would so it confirmed I was indeed where I said I would be. In time we moved past all this. I would leave my pager on the desk and go out so he would see if it was on and if any one he didnt know paged me.
I would call him and let him know what I did during the day and worked hard on meeting his needs . Of course I didnt know this whole time he was sleeping with someone else him self.. duh no wonder he was so cooperative.
SO now that we screwed up our marriage in so many ways we are on the right track and hope we will continue to do well. But I think a part of me always waits for it to happen again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am too needy...I have too many needs. Is that possible? (going back to the flowers, cards, phone calls) I guess that means there are too many for him to meet. I see that as a way of saying he doesn't love me enough to meet them. I have certainly made every effort to meet his needs even though he has turned my life upsidedown. His one need that I am having trouble meeting is "he wants me to be happy again". How do I get him to see that if he would meet my needs (above) I would be happier. He just doesn't get it.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not too needy and have every right to expect him to put forth that effort.
I have been asking for those things for years and years and many times husband would say well do this and I iwll do this.. he holds his affection as a way to control getting what he wants. and has for years.. it is a way to punish me when I am not pleasing him and a way to please me when I do things he likes.
we havent worked past this issue and I think I will be working on it a long time.