Hi!
First of all, welcome to MB - I encourage you to start reading the articles and Basic Concepts on this site, since you have come here on a quest to understand what is going on in your marriage.
Some points about your post stick out for me - does your H drink too much, or do you think he has a problem with alcohol?
Controlling behaviour goes along with an addicitve personality, even if the person is not a "full-blown alcoholic". Controlling behaviour is also part of an abusive relationship. There is a good website which discusses what exactly is an abusive relationship - I think its called
www.wellman-recovery.com - if that's not right, just go to
www.google.com, type in the words "abusive relationship" into the search and you'll find it near the top of the list.
In a healthy relationship, both parties care for and respect each other, making decisions together, taking each other's ideas and opinions into account. They do not belittle or humiliate each other by calling each other names. They do not have violent and abusive arguments. They are not "walking on eggshells", tiptoing around the other person's "moods". If you are experiencing any of this, you need to learn as much as you can about addiction and co-dependency. There is a good article on this site called "Is the co-dependency movement ruining marriages?" - you can find it by clicking on the Articles section and looking for it there. It will give you a good idea of what is healthy in a relationship, and the true definition of "co-dependency", which is very relevant to people who are the partners of abusive or addictive spouses.
My father is an active alcoholic, as was my grandfather. I did not think I was in an abusive relationship until we started having marriage problems. Since then I have had a good long look at my relationship with my H - I always rationalized his behaviour - I said he was "domineering" because that's the way he was treated by his mother - he is actually VERY controlling - and these problems, unless addressed through therapy, get worse over time. They do not get better by ignoring them.
My H is now in individual counselling, as am I - I hope that we can work things out, but I have my doubts - that will only happen if he takes responsibility for himself and stops seeing himself as the victim - and right now he can hardly get through a day without finding something to complain about which always seems to involve someone "diss"ing him, or being rude, or whatever.
I would say, read up as much as you can. Don't get into fierce or violent arguments with him - it will just backfire on you and give him a stick to beat you with - he will see this as YOUR character flaw. So if he starts to argue, try to walk away. You don't have to take abuse from anyone, not even the man you think loves you.
LIR
