Hello, I am new here, so please forgive my lack of knowledge,since I am still reading and learning this site....

This is tearing me up inside, the suspicion...doubt that I have that he or she keeps contacting each other. It went on for about a year and I had no idea, I trusted him so much. We have only been reunited for a few weeks now, I thought I had healed enough to try again, to forgive.

Just the other day, I went into his e-mail and found a cybercard that she had sent, he didn't open it and I found it in "deleted" items. He seems to think that keeping contact with her is okay since they were "friends" before the a. He agreed not to contact her and said he would tell her the same...as far as I know he has not.

I have actually checked our previous and current phone statements on the net (long distance) to see if there are calls to her number and see how long it did go on. I never looked at the statements before, stupid me, he always threw them away before I saw them.
I've went through his cars, our attic, all drawers and pockets......

How do I stop? I can't sleep, I have to stay up later than he does thinking that he might try to call or go on the computer.

He really has not talked much about it, afraid that I will leave again? which I do think about.
What next? How do I get closure?

thank you .....
Bless

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: 1SmileShort ]</small>

This happen to me also. My distrust grew so badly that my ex and I finally had to separate and then divorce. But, I look back on it and ask myself was there something different I could have done. And I think I would have changed one thing, communication. If you are still having doubts and finding yourself becoming an investigator then you are not communicating your fears to him and he is not to you. Even though he is scared to talk to you about it because you might leave. He still needs to talk to you because you need to talk to him. Once trust is lost it is hard to come back but it can by opening up more to each other, by listening to each other, don't talk at each other but talk to each other. He can't stop her from trying to contact him but he can change the media that she uses (ie: email address, telephone numbers, cell phone numbers, pagers, etc.) She is hoping that you will leave again so she can have him. That is what happen to me. And now my ex and his ow is getting married in the same month we got married 14 years and 3 weeks later. And possible seek counseling with your husband. Finally, I can't stress this any better, seek GOD through prayer. When you turn it over to him before the marriage disappears he will rebuild you and him. Seek GOD, through your pastor or church member. Please.

I just thought of this. Try reading "After the Affair by Janis Abrahms" It might help give some insight.

I know I should trust but it is hard. I hope I can get back to the days when comments and feelings aren't pit under the microscope for hidden meanings and motivations.

I know it is hard, you need to stop wearing yourself out trying to outsmart him, so he cannot have time or opportunity. You are going to send your self into exhaustion. Where there is a will, there is a way. If he has e-mail at work, he will contact her there. Kinkos has computers to borrow, libraries, coffee shops, so he has access if he wants to.

Why did he delete with not reading? Maybe he didn't want the card.

Slowly the trust will began to return. As long as he is being honest eventually the trust will completely return.

It takes time, you have to be patient with yourself. Rebuilding trust is like building a house, it's a slow process. Brick by brick. He earned a brick, yes you found a card in his email from her BUT he didn't open it. Just because she attempted to contact him that doesn't mean he is returning the contact. Keep in mind he deleted the card without opening it. That's a start. Give him a brick and keep going.

If going through everything makes you feel better then do it. No harm in looking. You do need a break, try to get away from it. Distract yourself with something else for a while. If only for a few hours that is better than dwelling on it non stop.

Short-

Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild after an A and is one of the most important issues that has to be resolved if recovery is going to have a chance. All the snooping in the world isn't going to help because there will always be that question in the back of your mind "What does this mean?" Communication is the only way you and WH are going to be able to move beyond this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He really has not talked much about it, afraid that I will leave again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very real fear of his because it has happened in the past, what have you done to alleviate his fear of this happening again? You say that you have thought about it, are you serious about it because if so, I'm sure that H has picked up some signals from you on this. You are going to have to tell him in some way that you are a having a very hard time with trust and that you need some reassurances that he is not in communication with OW in any way. You also need to reassure him in words and actions that you are not going to leave him because of this.

If you don't take the initiative to open up communications on this, it will eat you up inside and will sabotage everything you do in your relationship with H. It doesn't have to be a full assault either, you can start out with a subtle comment and work from their. Maybe say something about how much you appreciate his efforts at rebuilding but you still have some things that are bothering you, then leave it at that for a few days, let him think about it and let him be the one to initiate a follow-up conversation. It doesn't have to be face-to-face either, maybe an email, or a card, or a letter, just something to get the ball rolling. I also highly recommend some marriage counseling for both of you. Even a marriage retreat sponsored by a church or religious organization would probably do wonders.

With a lot of hard work, perseverance, commitment, love and forgiveness on both sides, it will work out.

Update.....
Thank you all for the much needed advice and input. Tonight, finally bridged the gap and opened communication again.
So simple...I made a (long) list of questions/concerns and had him read them. Of course one was about continued contact. He did not open the e-card, but she did call his job as I suspected, he said that she only wanted to wish him a "Happy Birthday" and he said thank you okay and hung up. Of course I had to ask if he requested that she not contact him any longer, he said no, not understanding that by not doing so he is giving her HOPE.
In my presence, he sent her a "Do not contact" e-mail, very brief, to the point and asked her not to reply to it. Several hours later, the phone starts ringing...I answer, they hang up, it rings again and again, same pattern.....of course we both knew who it was. Later, I check our e-mail, and she sent him a response...pretty nasty it was.
He has yet to see it.
I know that she will probably try to contact him at work tomorrow, I am trying to trust him to tell her that she has no place in our lives. He admitted that she has a previous pattern of this, infidelity and stalking. He was the relationship between relationships- she has several children with several different men and has cheated on all of them, should that not be a red flag?
Anyway, should I contact her? been thinking about having a nice chat...or e-mail. Not stupid enough to visit for fear of throttling the stalking homewrecker! But not about to sit quietly and allow her continued attempts at making contact.
This is not only tearing me apart, now I am getting angry.....how dare she!!

Thanks all,
Bless

I wouldn't recommend contacting OW in any way. You have told her all there is to say, now its time to focus on you and H. Any additional contact, especially by you, will only inflame her. Remember, she probably thinks you are the reason H left her, you are the enemy.

Some things you might want to do- block all additional emails from OW, if she uses another email address, block those as well. A new phone number that is unlisted, if anyone asks why, tell them that you are having problems with an unknown mental case harassing you. Have H's work calls roll over into his voice mail for a while. Basically let OW know she is finished here and its time to move on. Keep tract of all calls, emails and any other contact she has with you or H, watch out for drive-bys. Let OW make all the mistakes now, let her prove to H what a nut job she is. If needed, you can use this information to obtain a restraining order if needed.

I know exactly how you feel. I just posted something on this site. I am new here to. I don`t know how I am ever going to really trust my husband again. I feel so dumb- I was very trusting as well. It really eats me up inside. I am thinking of buying a digital recorder to monitor what he is saying and placing it in his car, just so I know he really is serious about changing. I am really not a suspisious person. I hate that this A is making me feel and act this way. epoli </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1SmileShort:
<strong>Hello, I am new here, so please forgive my lack of knowledge,since I am still reading and learning this site....

This is tearing me up inside, the suspicion...doubt that I have that he or she keeps contacting each other. It went on for about a year and I had no idea, I trusted him so much. We have only been reunited for a few weeks now, I thought I had healed enough to try again, to forgive.

Just the other day, I went into his e-mail and found a cybercard that she had sent, he didn't open it and I found it in "deleted" items. He seems to think that keeping contact with her is okay since they were "friends" before the a. He agreed not to contact her and said he would tell her the same...as far as I know he has not.

I have actually checked our previous and current phone statements on the net (long distance) to see if there are calls to her number and see how long it did go on. I never looked at the statements before, stupid me, he always threw them away before I saw them.
I've went through his cars, our attic, all drawers and pockets......

How do I stop? I can't sleep, I have to stay up later than he does thinking that he might try to call or go on the computer.

He really has not talked much about it, afraid that I will leave again? which I do think about.
What next? How do I get closure?

thank you .....
Bless</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">